Celebs Beware of The Pop Red Eye

No stupid antic escapes my gaze. Happy Halloween, fools!
Mwaah ha ha ha ha.

She's just a devil woman with evil on her mind
Beware the devil woman
She's gonna get you
She's just a devil woman with evil on her mind
Beware the devil woman
She's gonna catch you with her eye

(Thanks to the supremely evil Cliff Richard for allowing me some poetic license with that last line.)

The Masks, Part Duh

There is an episode of The Twilight Zone that many people may recall. The episode actually took place during Mardi Gras, but I think it's appropriate for Halloween. It was titled "The Masks" and was the story of a dying old man in New Orleans who wanted to get revenge on his greedy, selfish family. He proposed that they all wear masks until midnight, as it was a custom. The man lied by telling the others that the masks had to personify the "opposite" of each family member's personality, yet they really portrayed each one's despicable nature. Now, if you haven't seen this episode (or don't know heavy foreshadowing when you see it) and don't want me to spoil it, stop reading. Apparently there is some voodoo curse involved, and once the clock strikes midnight and everyone is able to take their masks off, they all find that their faces now look like the masks. The point was to make them as ugly on the outside as they were on the inside.

I was thinking of starting my own line of cursed, voodoo masks based on celebrities. I imagine it would be a lot easier to dupe someone into wearing a famous face. Here are some examples.

For the person who is...

Outlandishly conceited, annoying and always overcompensating for a lack of physical and intellectual stature.


Simple-minded, spoiled, shameless and starved for attention.


Painfully unfunny, a complete jackass and always wearing out his welcome.


Not really British.


I imagine if I were to turn the tables on myself I would find that I am a little goofy, with possibly too much time on my hands who enjoys making fun of celebrities. I have my mask all ready to go....

Halloween Costumes That Should Be Buried

This Halloween, I find myself with absolutely no plans. I'll probably sit here like a lump and pass out candy on Halloween night, but as far as the weekend goes, I have no parties to go to. I always loved going to costume parties, but I always got really stressed out about what I was going to dress as. I'm a big fan of homemade costumes. I think it's a perfect opportunity to show off some creativity and create a disguise that 20 other people won't be wearing. I have gone the "costume in a bag" route a few times when I was in a time crunch and out of clever ideas. Even then, I would try to pick out the least popular or worst-selling costume available so I wouldn't look like everyone else. Halloween is a great time to bring out hidden parts of your personality, and a pre-made get-up does nothing to showcase your individuality.

There are certain costumes that actually irritate me enough to the point where I want to go up to the person wearing one and yank it off of them. These are costumes that are so played-out and boring, yet the people wearing them think they are so awesome. And I know that everyone doesn't have the time or energy to make their own costumes or even rummage around Halloween Adventure looking for just the right outfit, but a little imagination wouldn't kill anyone. I have nothing against the old stand-bys like ghost, vampire, devil or witch. They're Halloween classics. These aren't.

French Maid - Oh, how I loathe the French Maid outfit. If I see a girl at a party dressed like this, I immediately dislike her. Most girls who opt for this costume basically think they are hot, even if they're not, and they spend the entire night giggling and pretending that they're worried that the skirt is too short. Occasionally one might utter something like, "Gee, I had no idea this skirt was this short...I probably should've worn underwear!" Now, I know that all men love this outfit. That's a no-brainer. To me, Halloween is not about looking hot. But, if you're a college-age girl you most likely think it is. Less popular but still annoying costumes in the same vein are the Playboy Bunny, Regular Bunny and Kitty Cat. Any excuse to wear a skimpy leotard, right girls? And let's not forget the favorite of the past few years, the Britney Spears/Catholic Schoolgirl look. Her minions are just as original as she is.

Sexy Nurse - Another male fantasy. But unless you're going to a Halloween party at a strip club, why bother? Halloween has somehow turned into Sexual Fetish Night, and I don't know when exactly the change occurred. I have met a few French Maids that actually turned out to be nice women, but I've never met a "sexy nurse" that I didn't want to punch. I was going to use the sexy nurse costume one year, but planned on making some alterations. The idea was to look somewhat va-va-voom, but I was going to wear really screwed up, heavy black eyeliner, lots of red red lipstick, and smear fake blood all over my chest and down onto the costume. I was going to carry a fake hatchet around and sport a nametag that read "R.N. Ratchet". I thought it was a great idea but I couldn't find the right nurse outfit. I wasn't spending $30 on the flimsy pre-made one at the costume store. So I ended up nixing the idea. If anyone wants to use it, feel free.

Priest/Pregnant Nun - It was funny the first time I saw it. It's just stupid now. If you're a couple going for dark humor, go as a fully erect Priest and an Altar boy. I saw a couple once dressed as Siamese twins joined at the boob. Now that was funny...and very creative.


Pimp/Hooker - I'll admit that I dressed as a hooker one time. It was actually around 4th of July though, and I made a lot of money that night. Uh seriously, I did use the hooker costume one year for a party because it was very spur of the moment and I had no other options. It's definitely one of the easiest costumes to put together, especially if you're already kind of a slut. I'm not, but I would sometimes buy "club outfits" that sat in my closet once I got them home because somehow I lost any nerve required to wear them between the mall and my house. They were slightly risque clothes that usually ended up just going to Goodwill after I tried them on 10 times, but never actually wore out in public. So half of the people I've seen at parties dressed as hookers probably got my hand-me-downs from Goodwill. Anyway, it's an easy remedy for a last minute party but I'd rather people just cut holes out of a sheet and go as a ghost. And if the hooker's not bad enough, if I have to see one more guy in that stupid purple pimp costume with the huge hat, I'm going to puke.

Clown - This is just a personal issue I have. I hate clowns. I'm not afraid of them, I just hate them with every fiber in my being. The sole purpose of a clown is to amuse people and they are just about the most unfunny creatures on the planet. And what do clowns have to do with Halloween?? If they're evil clowns, that's fine. But the run-of-the-mill Bozo types? No. They don't belong at a Halloween party. They don't belong on this Earth. Down with Clowns!!

I don't have many pics of my Halloween costumes over the years, but I will post one. This was the last costume I made and got some mileage out of it. I'm a big fan of Miller Lite. That's my beer of choice. So, I decided to make a Miller Lite bottle costume. And lucky for me, I have a brother who's an artist because I never could've made the labels look so good. Sorry the picture is a bit grainy, but that's my crappy scanner. By the way, that's my best friend Angela next to me as Gene Simmons. Gene loves Miller Lite because it tastes great and it's less filling. And he can get his tongue all the way to the bottom of the bottle to lick up every last drop. Or so I've heard.

What's in BeckEye's (Scary) Ear

This installment of "What's in BeckEye's Ear" is comprised of songs related to Halloween. If you're having a Halloween party, this would be a good mix tape to play during. And don't forget to invite me, because I have absolutely nothing to do this year.





1. Monster Mash, Bobby "Boris" Pickett and The Crypt Keepers - Well, duh. This is the ultimate Halloween song. It's not scary, but it's terrifyingly campy and I love that.



2. Twilight Zone, Golden Earring - Really, if you're making a Halloween mix this song should be prefaced with the actual Twilight Zone theme. This song really has nothing to do with the show, but it has kind of an eerie feel to it. And it's a good, straight-ahead classic rock tune.

3. Cry Little Sister, Gerald McMann - This was on the Lost Boys soundtrack and considered the movie's theme. A very atmospheric song that features the always creepy child choir singing back-up.

4. Witchy Woman, The Eagles
5. Devil Woman, Cliff Richard
6. Evil Woman, Electric Light Orchestra
I kind of lumped these all together, because they're variations on the same theme. I like all of them well enough, but "Witchy Woman" actually used to creep me out when I was younger. I'm not quite sure why.

7. Thriller, Michael Jackson - I enjoy the video much better than the song itself, but it's worth it just for that great Vincent Price "rap". He was the best.

8. Welcome to My Nightmare, Alice Cooper - I've never been a huge fan of this song, but it certainly belongs on the soundtrack to any Halloween party. I used to work with this weird lady who met Alice and said while she was backstage, she read him the lyrics to a song that she had written. She wanted him to record it. It never happened. I have to admit, as far as that kind of music goes, it was pretty good. All about corpses rising from the grave and hell fire and so on.

9. Down in a Hole, Alice in Chains - Just about any song from these guys could go on a Halloween mix. They just have that demonic sound. I believe that the lyrics to this song are a metaphor for something else, but it sure sounds like a song about being buried. Kind of creepy. Good song, though.

10. Tomorrow, Wendy, Concrete Blonde - I never really knew what this song was about, but I always assumed it was about someone waiting to be executed. I just found out recently that it's about a woman with AIDS. Whatever it's about, this song has a very chilling effect.

11. Werewolves of London, Warren Zevon - Now we're coming back from scary to a little silly. Yeah, it's a song about werewolves but it's pretty hilarious. Whether you like it or not, no one can listen to this tune without busting out at least a few "aaaa-wooooooooo"s.

12. The Time Warp, Richard O'Brien/Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast - More fun! Even if you've never seen the movie, you can still learn the dance. It's easy! It's just a jump to the left...

13. They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!, Napoleon XIV - Ok, I absolutely hate this song. It still deserves to be on a Halloween mix though. This song scared the beejeezuz out of me as a kid and still freaks me out a little today. All that crazy laughter is just a bit much. It's more than a little creepy.





14. Nightboat, Duran Duran - As with many Duran Duran songs, I have no clue what this one's about. It's rather zombie-esque though. And if you've ever seen the video, it's really quite odd.



15. Pet Sematary, The Ramones - Pet Sematary wasn't a bad book, but the movie was pretty ridiculous. I mean, I'm sorry but that cute little 4-year old trying to make a scary face while holding a scalpel? Didn't quite work on screen. This song was the best thing to come out of that flick.

I have to give a special mention to Bad Company's "Shooting Star". Although it isn't thought of as a scary song, it scared the hell out of me when I was little. Every time Paul would sing "if you listen to the wind you can still hear him play"...my eyes would get as big as saucers and I would pray for a non-windy day. I was sure I would hear the ghost of Johnny wailing on his guitar outside my window. And let's not even get started on Jimi Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary".

One last note - I didn't put any instrumentals on the list, like movie/TV themes and such. There are a lot of those that fit the bill, but I was looking for "real" songs if you know what I mean. Otherwise, the theme from Halloween would definitely be on here. The movies are dumb, but that piece of music makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I've purposely left out any crazy Latin chants. I'm trying to forget about them.

If you feel I've left out any great Halloween songs, let me know!

New Movie Out This Week...

"Attack of the Living Dead Politicians"

Yowza. Looks a bit too scary for me...I'll pass.

I Love the '80s....BUT TIME MARCHES ON

There is a huge difference between feeling nostalgic and living in the past.

Exhibit A:
Howard Stern's replacements were announced today, and it appears that Infinity needs at least 2 men and some automated equipment to do his job. Several stations are going to a DJ-free format, but the two "big stars" who will be filling Stern's shoes are the always annoying Adam Carolla and, in my market, David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth as a shock jock. Ok. This would be quite something if it was 1985. It's not. DLR hasn't been shocking since he started spending all his time getting into grumpy old man fights with Eddie Van Halen and trying to cover his ever-expanding bald spot. His voice is the last one I need to hear at the butt-crack of dawn.

Exhibit B:
Madonna never fails to annoy me...but this newest incarnation of herself?? Is this broad kidding? Honey, get your wannabe-Lady Di old ass out of those cheesy Karen Lynn Gorney outfits and figure out once and for all who the hell you are. You've been street trash, a dominatrix, a strip-club version of the virgin fantasy, a street trash wolf in Old Hollywood clothing, a cowgirl hooker and even *gasp* a children's book writer. Now you want to be the lost member of ABBA? When you have to reinvent yourself this many times, that should be the big neon sign that it's either time to hang it up or pick a schtick and schtick with it.

I Saw Her Again Last Night

Actually, it was Saturday night. But who cares.



CZJ hosted Saturday Night Live this week. It was a good show. I don't really remember much about the skits or anything though, so I can't really give a review. What I can tell you is that somehow, against all odds, I am still straight.

All The Right Movies

There is a certain type of movie that holds a special place in my heart. I'm not quite sure what name to give them. They're not bad, but they're not good. They're often aired on late night cable stations, but a good majority of my peers still haven't seen them. They are cliche-ridden and predictable, but still amusing. They're incredibly dated, but....well, that may be the very reason I like them. They're the underappreciated movies of the '80s. They take me back to those days, allowing me to feel nostalgic yet glad those days are over at the same time. They never achieved the popularity of other favorites of the decade, like The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off or even Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. And while there are probably several good reasons for that,they are still just as big a part of my past. If I am flipping through the TV dial and any of these movies appears, I am guranteed to watch the whole thing. It makes no difference if it's already 1:00 am and I have to be up for work in the morning. I'm like a deer caught in headlights. I simply cannot turn away. Still, I won't go out and spend my hard-earned money the DVDs. I really should though, because as often as they are on TV, they're always edited to hell.

There are probably many movies that fit this description, but I will narrow it down to my Top Ten. These are the few, the proud, the cheesetastically delicious.

10. Just One of the Guys
It's hard for me to find anything truly gratifying about this movie. I guess it's just so ridiculous that I can't help but watch it every time it's on in the hopes that it will actually get better. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it is the story of a girl who believes she has to masquerade as a boy in order to win a journalism contest. She becomes a pretty cool guy at his/her new school and offers to help a loser land the girl of his dreams. But guess what? She starts to fall for him! Yes, the old gender-switch/love mix-up plot. While it does have some amusing moments, the two leads are positively boring. Joyce Hyser as Terry (how lucky for her that she already has a unisex name) has about as much charisma as Mare Winningham had in St. Elmo's Fire. I actually find myself hoping throughout the whole movie that some guy beats the crap out of her before he realizes she's really a chick. Then there's the love interest, Rick, as played by Clayton Rohner. You may recognize Clayton as one of the Worst Actors in the World. There is a scene with him that actually makes me want to put my fist through the TV and beat him to a pulp. I can't remember it exactly, but I think it may be when Terry tells him she's a girl and he says something like, "Yeah right, and I'm Cyndi Lauper". But he pronounces it low (rhymes with cow) -per. That goes right through me, like nails on a chalkboard. However, in spite of those two idiots, the movie remains watchable simply for the silly plot and some of the supporting cast. Billy Jayne, who was on the late, great Parker Lewis Can't Lose, appears as Terry's younger, horny brother and Twin Peaks' Sherilynn Fenn is the school slut who knows so much about men that she didn't even realize she was lusting after a girl in boy's clothing. '80s uber-stud and uber-jerk, Leigh McCloskey and Billy Zabka respectively, also have supporting roles as they so often did in those days.

9. The Legend of Billie Jean
I will hand it to the writers of this one. They came up with a plot that hadn't been done over and over. Essentially, Billie Jean is a pretty girl who gets harrassed by some of the local boys. One of them ends up trashing her brother's scooter and when she tries to get the boy's father to pay them for it, he refuses to pay and then tries to rape her. Trying to get away, Billie's brother, Binx accidentally shoots the old perv and they, along with a couple of friends, go on the run from the law. When the story hits the media, the old perv (who wasn't seriously injured in the shooting) starts selling t-shirts and such, capitalizing on the incident. Since Perv won't pay up for the damage he caused to the scooter, the gang fakes a kidnapping, taking the D.A.'s poor little rich-boy son "hostage", eventually elevating Billie Jean to cult hero status. It's definitely a weird flick. It's all fairly enjoyable, but comparing Billie Jean to Joan of Arc is a bit much. At some point during the movie, I always laugh, throw up my hands and say, "All this over a damn scooter! It's a SCOOTER!" Still, Helen Slater is very likable as Billie Jean, which helps with the suspension of disbelief needed to enjoy many parts of this movie. As for the supporting cast, big star Christian Slater made his major movie debut here in the role of Binx. Keith Gordon, the psycho nerd from Christine, plays the D.A.'s kid and Yeardley Smith, best known as the voice of Lisa Simpson, is one of Billie Jean's fugitive friends. There are also a couple of established actors in this movie, Peter Coyote and Dean Stockwell. Sprinkling in a few well-knowns always gives an otherwise cheesy movie a little more credibility. One good song will give a movie more cred as well, which in this case is the over-dramatic but very singable theme, Pat Benatar's "Invincible".

8. Girls Just Want To Have Fun
Ever wonder what Sarah Jessica Parker did in between her transformation from geek on Square Pegs to chic, somewhere around Honeymoon in Vegas? Yes, she appeared in the much better, more popular Footloose, but let's not forget her other foray into the teen-dance movie genre. While she had to take a backseat to Lori Singer in that other film, she was front and center in this one. There are some plot similarities to both Footloose and the as-then unheard of classic, Dirty Dancing. As in the former, SJP plays a young girl whose love of dancing is squashed by her overprotective father. As in the latter, dancing allows the young woman to find love, find herself and stand up to said overprotective father. This really is quite a piece of fluff, but so good for a chilly night curled up in a blanket, eating a tub of popcorn. No thinking necessary! The plot has everything you would expect - a good girl trying to achieve her dreams, a snotty rich girl trying to buy her way into everything, the good friend/"bad" Catholic schoolgirl (in the form of a young Helen Hunt, no less), lots of bad music and plenty of slo-mo dance moves. Unlike Footloose and Dirty Dancing, the soundtrack is pretty horrible. The Cyndi Low-per song of the same name isn't even on it. However, I guarantee anyone who watches this movie will walk around for a week afterwards, against their better judgement singing, "dancing in Heaven I never thought I'd ever get my feet this far...". Damn, I had to start. Now that infernal song is embedded in my brain.

7. Heaven Help Us
I mentioned this movie briefly in my post about forgotten '80s characters, focusing on Stephen Geoffreys. Geoffreys actually has a pretty small role in this film. The stars are Andrew McCarthy and Mary Stuart Masterson. Andrew plays a teenager who moves to Brooklyn and enrolls in a Catholic school, and Mary is the shy, local diner girl who catches his eye. This is the first movie on my list that can actually elicit genuine belly laughs from me. Most of the comedy comes via Kevin Dillon, who is always so good as the stupid punk. Then there is the requisite nerdy, fat kid who inexplicably ends up in the gang even though he's still picked on, but who you can't quite feel sorry for because he's such a pain in the ass. It's basically just a coming-of-age story set in the '60s, and the repressive nature of the Catholic school only helps to make the boys more rebellious, resulting in more comedy. Hollywood heavyweight, Donald Sutherland, appears as the Big Monk on Campus and other well-known character actors like John Heard (Home Alone, Deceived) and Wallace Shawn (The Princess Bride, Clueless) have supporting roles. Many totally '80s folks show up also, including Calvert "Larry 'Bud' Melman" DeForest, Yeardley Smith and Patrick Dempsey.

6. Can't Buy Me Love
Speaking of Patrick Dempsey, his role in CBML is probably his most well-known, unless you're one of those Grey's Anatomy fans. And I have to give the boy props for growing up mighty fine. I always found him rather dorky back in the day. Anyway, this is pretty typical '80s teen fare. Nerdy Ronald is tired of being ignored, so in an attempt to win friends he offers the most popular girl in school, Cindy, $1000 to pretend to be his girlfriend. His plan works and Ronald is soon hanging out with the senior chic clique. As we all might expect, Ronald's popularity causes him to treat his old friends like crap, act like a jerk in general and decide that he'd rather bang every hot girl in school rather than stay with Cindy, who he is really falling in love with. It's actually pretty good as far as illustrating the class wars that go on in high school. Of course, there is that one absolutely laughable, ridiculously over the top moment where Ronald gives a cafeteria speech about how everyone should be friends which causes all the kids in the cafeteria to start clapping. Ugh. For the most part though, this is a fun movie to watch.

5. Making The Grade
I'll be honest. I haven't seen this comedy in years. But believe me, I am dying to see it again. I'm almost to the point where I might just have to go rent it. I remember this movie as being quite hilarious even though the plot was the biggest cliche of all: the switched-identity. Judd Nelson stars as tough kid, Eddie who is looking for a way to escape his gambling debts. Enter lazy rich kid, Palmer, who pays Eddie to go to prep school for him while he goes on vacation. Naturally, Eddie falls in love with a rich girl and starts turning into a stuffed shirt after getting accustomed to prep school life. I don't really know anything about Dana Olsen, who plays Palmer, but he is really funny in this movie. Judd Nelson is interesting enough, but he doesn't seem to have the same spark that he had in The Breakfast Club. It gets really good when Eddie's bookie shows up, who is played by Andrew Dice Clay. His character is named "Dice", oddly enough, and I'm fairly certain he is supposed to be the same character as the bouncer who briefly appeared in Pretty in Pink. He gets some more screen time in this one, and rightfully so. I've always been a fan of the Dice Man. And it's especially endearing that his character seems to want to be John Travolta so badly.

4. Some Kind of Wonderful
Here we have Mary Stuart Masterson in her standard role, the "tough but vulnerable girl", as she described it once on SNL. This is another exercise in high school kids wanting to be popular. Eric Stoltz stars as Keith, who really wants a date with Miss Popularity, Amanda Jones, played by Lea Thompson. Masterson is Keith's best friend, Watts, the tomboy who realizes that she's really in love with Keith. I don't like this movie as much as some of the others on the list, but it made #4 because I've seen it an obscene number of times. I still really don't get the point. It's apparent halfway through that Keith and Watts are diggin' on each other, so I don't understand why he still goes on the date with Amanda. I think it has something to do with the fact that he finds out her a-hole ex boyfriend (Craig Sheffer) and his gang are planning to beat him up if he shows up at their party. And of course he shows up, and he and Amanda embarass the ex at his own party by calling him out as a jerk and a coward. Oh yeah, and you can hear one of my favorite songs, "Beat's So Lonely" in the background at the party!

3. Red Dawn
Wolverines!!! This can really only be thought of as a cheesy movie because of the improbability of it. I mean, let's say that Russia and Cuba decides to invade us. Or at this point, any number of Middle East countries. Does anyone really believe that a small group of only 8 or 9 teenagers could go into hiding and effectively wage a counterattack against the invaders? Then again, not too many of them ended up surviving, so maybe it isn't so far off base. The ensemble cast is comprised of '80s mainstays such as Patrick Swayze, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell and Jennifer Grey, and they all do a fine job.

2. Casual Sex?
This is probably the movie I have seen most often out of all of these. There was a time when this was airing on USA practically every night for three months straight. I don't know what it is I like so much about it, it's just fun. Stars Lea Thompson (again) and SNL alum Victoria Jackson play two women looking for love at the beginning of the "safe sex era". They decide to take a vacation at a health spa, assuming that they will find men who care about their bodies and would therefore be less likely to be harboring various STDs. Any single woman can appreciate this movie and will get a chuckle out of the loser guys that these girls encounter. The ladies may be the stars, but this movie belongs to Andrew Dice Clay, who steals every scene he's in. He plays Vinnie, an annoying, horny, loudmouthed Italian wannabe-stud (imagine that) who actually ends up having a sensitive side. I'm even left wanting to marry him after watching this.

1. Fraternity Vacation
Ah, yes....the best of the Spring Break flicks! I don't care what anyone says, this movie is hysterical. The plot is unimportant, but I will summarize. Dorky Wendell (Stephen Geoffreys, of course) befriends two frat boys by offering to let them stay with him at his father's beach house. The father makes his own deal with the frat brothers, agreeing to buy the fraternity a jacuzzi if they can get his son laid. Upon arriving in Palm Springs, they spot a foxy blonde chick who seems to be much more classy than the typical girls gone wild. The frat boys make a bet with two guys from a rival house to see which "team" can get her into bed first. Hilarity ensues. And I say that with absolutely no sarcasm! It's really just another teen hijinx movie, but there is something about this particular cast that makes it rise above the rest of the pack. If for nothing else, it's worth watching to see a very young, charming Tim Robbins as "Mother", the crazy half of the Good Frat Boy team. (That's him in the picture, wearing what I coveted most back then....pink Chuck Taylors.) Leigh McCloskey shows up again as, what else, the uber-stud and womanizing half of the Bad Frat Boy team. There are plenty of other familiar faces as well. Cameron Dye (Valley Girl) stars as the GFB team's ladies' man, Matt McCoy (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Police Academy 5&6) is the other half of the BFB team, Amanda Bearse (Married: With Children) is Wendell's would-be girlfriend, John Vernon (Animal House and a million other movies) plays the no-nonsense police chief and Sheree J. Wilson struts around in much skimpier clothes than she could ever wear on Walker: Texas Ranger. Please, if you haven't already seen this movie, go rent it. Now.

If you're wondering why Staying Alive isn't on here....how dare you! That's not cheesy!! Like it's so hard to repeatedly watch a hot man with great hair writhing around in a loin cloth. Please.

Call Now to Receive this Fantastic Employee!

K-Tel Makes a Comeback
Don't call it a comeback, K-Tel's been here for years, rockin' their peers, puttin' suckas in fear.

According to the above-linked story, BCI Eclipse just inked a licensing agreement with K-Tel that will allow the label to release compilation records under the more recognizable K-Tel name. Post Generation Y-ers probably have no clue who K-Tel is or what I'm talking about right now, and that is a shame. But I can't worry about them right now. I'm looking for a job.

BCI Eclipse - I don't think I'm being overly confident when I say that you need me. Read my post about the mix tape/CD. I rock. Compilations are my thing. I can come up with themes that your overpaid execs could never even imagine. Hell, I'll even make the cover art for the records myself. Who needs graphic designers? I can do it all.

Hey VH1, this doesn't mean that I don't still want to work for you. My goal is to be a freelance everything. I'm still waiting for your call. Same goes for you Mr. Travolta. I'm still very interested in the personal masseuse position that you never advertised.

We Interrupt This Pop Culture Blog to Bring You One of those Mimis Momos Mumus Surveys

You have to imagine me singing this in my best scraggly, ragged voice: I've been....Thuuuunder-struuuuck. In other words, Jef aka Thunderfish has tagged me. Here goes.

Seven things I want to do before I die:

1. Visit Ireland
2. Find a job/career I actually enjoy
3. Get married
4. Meet John Travolta
5. See all 50 states
6. Get something published
7. Buy a boat

Seven things I can do (Skills Napoleon):

1. Play darts
2. Fix people's hair
3. Remember an unlimited amount of useless, trivial facts
4. Talk along with/act out the entire movie Grease (But I don't because that would be annoying to other people watching.)
5. Find my way to anywhere within the greater Pittsburgh area
6. Read music
7. Impressions (Very bad impressions that still make my friends laugh.)

Seven things I cannot do:

1. Roll my tongue up (I can however, roll my "R"s.)
2. Fix my own hair
3. Remember important things
4. Watch Grease 2 all the way through
5. Stop swearing
6. Get up in the morning without hitting the snooze at least 10 times
7. Be aggressive

Seven things I say a lot :

1. Like
2. F**K
3. I hate my job.
4. Yo baby
5. Apparently
6. I'll start dieting and/or working out on Monday.
7. GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE, MORON!!!!

Seven things I find attractive in a male:

1. Sense of humor
2. Blue eyes
3. Love of music
4. Nice build, but not too many muscles. I like some meat on the bones.
5. Broad shoulders
6. Tousled, slightly messy, dark hair
7. Consideration/respectfulness

Seven celebrity crushes?

1. John Travolta
2. Eddie Vedder
3. Jeremy Sisto
4. Ewan McGregor
5. Chris Cornell
6. John Taylor
7. Will Ferrell
8. Catherine Zeta-Jones

Seven random people who have to do this next:

1. Librarian Extraordinaire
2. Lee Ann
3. Masha
4. JC
5. Echeevo
6. Zombie Lama
7. Beautiful Disaster

A Halloween Song For All You Ghouls and Guys

I absolutely love Halloween. It's my third favorite holiday, behind St. Patrick's Day and Christmas. Drinking, giving gifts of love and monsters...I guess those are my interests. Not sure what that says about me. Anyway, I had planned to start making daily Halloween-related posts until the 31st, much like the Family Channel's "13 Days of Halloween". However, I'm a day late. I realized that if I started today, it would only really be 12 days. My idea was ruined, but then it gave me a new one. Boredom and useless creativity came together and inspired me to write a Halloween song based on "The Twelve Days of Christmas". This will either be really funny or really stupid. Or, in the tradition of many classic horror B-movies, it will be both. Enjoy.

The Twelve Days of Halloween
(sung to the tune of...oh, you know)

On the first day of Halloween my true love gave to me
A psycho and his mommy











On the second day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the third day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the fourth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the fifth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the sixth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the seventh day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the eighth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Eight mummies moaning
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the ninth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Nine demons chanting
Eight mummies moaning
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the tenth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Ten corpses creeping
Nine demons chanting
Eight mummies moaning
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy










On the eleventh day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Eleven vampires biting
Ten corpses creeping
Nine demons chanting
Eight mummies moaning
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy











On the twelfth day of Halloween my true love gave to me
Twelve witches dancing
Eleven vampires biting
Ten corpses creeping
Nine demons chanting
Eight mummies moaning
Seven cauldrons brimming
Six werewolves baying
Five swamp things
Four crawling bugs
Three severed heads
Two creepy girls and
a psycho and his mommy












I'm going straight to hell for writing this piece of crap!

"Other Guy" of the Month

I'm starting to think that having several recurring topics is a good way to keep the writer's block at bay. That's me, always thinking. Currently, I have two semi-regular features - "Eye Boogers" and "What's in BeckEye's Ear". I'd like to add at least one or two more. This post marks the introduction of the first of those topics, '"Other Guy" of the Month'. All entries under this heading will pay homage to or catch up with those poor guys who had their chance to be stars but were overshadowed by someone else's fame.

Mr. October - Alex Winter
To most of us, Alex Winter will forever be known as the "Bill" to Keanu Reeves' "Ted" in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, as well as the crappy sequel. Many of us also remember him as the littlest vampire in The Lost Boys, but the reaction to seeing him in that movie is usually, "Hey, there's the other guy from Bill and Ted!" No matter that The Lost Boys actually came before. When it first screened, no one knew who Alex was. No one knew of him until he became William S. Preston, Esquire. Only then was he recognized in The Lost Boys, upon repeat viewings.

Sometimes I wonder what Keanu had that Alex didn't. How did Mr. Doofy Ding-Dong shoot to fame while Winter toiled in obscurity? Both had an affability about them, but I wouldn't consider either a master thespian. I'm guessing it's all about aesthetics. Keanu is an undeniably good looking guy. He's not typical looking either; he's kind of got that exotic Indo-Polynesian vibe. Not that Alex isn't attractive. By most women's standards, he's probably average looking. By Hollywood standards, average means ugly. Personally, I find him fairly cute, but there is something slightly off-kilter about his appearance. I don't know if it's all those tight blonde curls, the gigantic eyes or the Laura Dern-esque rubber mouth. He certainly has a knack for making bizarre expressions. On top of that, he's a pretty short dude. I guess if you add it all together, it doesn't exactly equal matinee idol. Still, he has to have more sex appeal than Tobey Maguire or Jake Gyllenhall, and they're quite famous. True that they are both good actors, but they've also been blessed with some good roles. Who knows what kind of Spiderman Alex could have made, if he had just been given the chance? I've always had a little soft spot for him, not only because Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of my favorite movies, but he looks a lot like one of my old college roommates, who was always fun to be around.

So whatever happened to this other guy? Thanks to The Alex Winter Fansite, I now know. From what I can tell, he seems like a decent fellow with a good head on his shoulders. Immediately after the success of Bill and Ted, MTV approached him to be a VJ. The catch was that he had to do it as the character of Bill. Proof that he wasn't just some piece of fluff looking to extend his 15 minutes came in the form of his response - "no f***ing way".

I've often heard that Alex is not into all the glitz and glamour of the Hollywood scene and doesn't really hang out with the "beautiful people", but that he's still good friends with Keanu Reeves. Apparently he's not jealous of his buddy's fame. But other than Speed, is there really that much to be jealous of? (Don't start with me, Matrix fans. Those movies are pure crap.)

Winter has appeared in a handful of movies since the late '80s, but most of his film work these days is behind the scenes as a producer, writer and director. His next project is for MTV, a considerably better opportunity than the first one they offered him, writing and directing a movie about Napster. I can't imagine how that subject will translate to the big screen, but I guess we'll have to wait and see. I can only hope that Lars Ulrich won't be in it. I'd rather pay $10 to download one song with a 28K modem than pay the same amount to listen to that self-important bazillionaire jackass whine about how the advent of Napster prevented him from ascending to gazillionaire status. That would heinous. Bogus. Most egregious.

Alex Winter, I'm glad to hear you're still living a most excellent life. Here's hoping that your future projects will be most triumphant. Party on, dude.

Grr, It's Not a Bear

I'm having another bout of writer's block, so I may have to stray slightly from pop culture and venture into zoo culture. I'm about to show my girly side here, so look out.

Isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen???

That's baby panda, Tai Shan, who was born on July 9 at the U.S. National Zoo in Washington, DC. What is it about pandas that capture everyone's hearts?

All Mixed Up

Cut a tape of my favorite songs
Said what I can't face to face
I hoped that you would share all my thoughts...

The above lyrics are from one of my favorite songs. It's got a great beat and a sweet melody, but the message is what draws me in. It perfectly illustrates the great impact that something as simple as a collection of songs can have on a person's life. It's an ode to that wonderful creation known as "the mix tape". Yes, mix CDs have taken their place now for the most part, but there's something special about the old cassettes.

First of all, it's really easy to burn a CD given the technology we have these days. Downloading or importing songs to a PC takes mere minutes and burning a whole disc takes up only a small chunk of time. Most burning programs will even allow you to level the volume of all the songs and fade in or out. Recording a mix tape was so much more complicated than that. Well, at least for someone as anal as me. You have to test the volume before each song to make sure it's level with the others, make sure the gaps between songs are just right and be especially vigilant while taping from records that have songs that run together. Imagine trying to tape from INXS's "Need You Tonight" from the CD without getting the beginning of that annoying "Mediate" in there. It's tricky.

Secondly, tapes are just a reminder of days gone by. Even when CD usage became widespread, most people still made mix tapes to play in their cars because car CD players weren't as common as they are now. They certainly didn't come standard. But nearly everyone had a tape deck, making mix tapes the perfect driving companion, especially for those long road trips.

For me, making a mix tape was a very scientific process. I carefully computed the total time the songs would take up for each side to ensure that the tape wouldn't run out before the last song ended. I look down my nose at people who didn't bother to even estimate the time. There's something very wrong with them. (And don't even get me started on people who try to tape from the radio.) However, even the best laid plans sometimes go awry and occasionally the tape would run out just shy of the calcuated time. I can just imagine the people at Maxell or Memorex, sitting in their labs thinking about this and laughing. It's a 90 minute tape, so there should be 45 minutes on each side. But wait until the poor sap using it finds out there's really only 43.5 minutes! Ha ha ha ha ha!! This has happened to me many times. In those cases, I would usually have the standard profanity-riddled freak-out, followed by a period of intense calm and concentration during which I would scour my record collection for a song that would fit in the alloted time slot. I couldn't just tape over the truncated song with silence. I never liked having too much dead air left after the last song either. That was simply not professional.

I also tried to make a theme for each of my tapes. I was never a fan of just random songs thrown together for no good reason. Themes are important. Occasionally, I couldn't come up with one so I would name the tape something like, "The Theme of This Tape is That There is No Theme". So technically, to my obsessive-compulsive, highly disordered mind, it was thematic.

I've always loved making mix tapes for friends and family. The main goal is to introduce them to music that I like, which I think they would also enjoy. But I can never just give them the tape and let that be the end of it. I always have an intense need to know if they like it and how much they like it. Have you listened to my tape yet? What do you think? What's your favorite song on there? Are there any that you hate? How often have you listened to it? Feedback! I want feedback DAMMIT! Well, I try not to get that crazy but I do want some thoughtful commentary. I hate when I give someone a tape and they just say, "yeah it's good". I'm all about the details.

As I mentioned before, CDs have practically made cassettes obsolete. I don't have a tape deck in my car anymore or even at home, which is unfortunate because I still have a ton of old mix tapes lying around. Making mix CDs has only helped to enhance my anal nature. Since the actual burning process is generally hassle-free, that just frees up more time for me to work on packaging. I am absolutely not happy unless my CDs look as if they were professionally made and could be for sale in any record store across the country. I work hard on getting the graphics just right and always make sure to include liner notes with my discs. I become just as concerned with what the recipient thinks of the whole presentation as I used to be over the musical content. Making CDs just gives me more to obsess over!

Since I love to give homemade music compilations, I also love to receive them. To me, it's one of the best gifts anyone can give because it takes more effort than just buying a record off the shelf and it usually always reflects the giver's love of music and how well they really know me. It may not have any resale value, but the sentimental value is priceless.

Right there a song became a soundtrack for this space in time...
- Better than Ezra, "Rewind"


This post was inspired by Paul, my "musical soulmate". Everyone should have one of those. He understands the importance of liner notes.

My American Australian Idol

Everyone has one true celebrity idol. Not just someone you thought was cute or someone whose music or movies you really liked, but someone who you actually wanted to be. They embodied everything that you thought was fabulous, and you strived to be just like them when you grew up. We may have all grown up and grown out of trying to be like someone else, but we will always remember those idols fondly. I'd like to tell you a little about mine - the lovely and talented Ms. Olivia Newton-John.

Now, ONJ's first record hit the states in 1973, which was the same year I was born. Therefore, I may have not gotten to follow her career from the beginning, but I became a fan as soon as I could start formulating opinions.

My oldest brother, who is 16 years my senior, had quite a crush on Olivia and owned most, if not all, of her early country-pop albums. So at a very young age, I had access to her music and the records that were adorned with her pretty, girl-next door face. I remember "jamming out" to one of her first big hits, "Let Me Be There" on a regular basis. I probably didn't even know the Pledge of Allegiance by age 4 or 5, but I had that song memorized. After that one sucked me in, I could often be heard around the house belting out other favorites like, "If You Love Me (Let Me Know)", "I Honestly Love You", and "Please Mr. Please". One of my lesser-known favorites of hers was a song called "Slow Down Jackson", which she wrote for one of her dogs. I actually have a tape of me singing this, although I think I was probably closer to 7 or 8 at the time of the recording. You know, around the time really bad singing fails to be cute and becomes ear-splitting, horrible noise. It is not good. If anything brought me back to the reality that I was not, in fact, Olivia nor would I ever be, it was that tape.

It was in 1978, at the age of 5 that my young life was totally changed. My sister took me to the drive-in to see Grease, a movie that would forever remain my favorite. Not only was I witness to the greatest movie ever made, but I fell completely in love with John Travolta and became fixated on Olivia Newton-John. I already thought she was great. I already wished I could sing like her. I already wished I looked like her. And then there she was, singing, dancing and making out with the most beautiful man on the planet! If I didn't already want to be her by then, I certainly did after seeing that film!

I guess appearing on the big screen shimmying around in tight black spandex gave ONJ some freedom to beef up her sound a bit in the late '70s. Her album, Totally Hot put the country sounds on the back burner and allowed her to have a little more fun and come across as the sexier sister of the girl next door. That record's biggest hit, "A Little More Love" is still one of my favorites. It's extremely rare to ever hear it on the radio, but when I do catch it, I'm in heaven. I usually need a lot of water to sing along with that one though, because there are some serious high notes in the chorus and my throat starts to dry out (and probably bleed) after a few bars.

Next came what might be considered one of the worst movies of all time, Xanadu. Yes, it's bad. But it's not Mulholland Drive bad, it's Roller Boogie bad. In other words, it's good. It may have been a completely inane plot, but it had its moments. For instance, there is this really great sequence where they have a "battle of the bands" between Olivia and her swing-time girls and The Tubes. I have no idea how it worked, but they somehow manage to meld the jitterbug song with the rock song and it sounds great. The movie is worth watching for that at the very least. The song, "Dancin'" is on the soundtrack, and as is usually the case with bad or weird movies, the soundtrack is really good. Anyway, it was during this period that I became even more fixated on Olivia than I was after seeing Grease. By this time I was about 7 and roller skating was IT. I don't like to brag, but I was hell on wheels in my pre-teen years. I could skate. I skated all the time. I was jealous of Tootie on The Facts of Life because she got to go to school and anywhere on her skates. If I would've been allowed, I would've worn mine everywhere too. My issues aside, there was a lot of rollerskating in Xanadu. The storyline revolved around it. Basically, the plot was that one of the Muses came down to Earth to inspire some poor sap to build a giant roller rink. Yes, really. Somehow, the casting people managed to get Gene Freakin' Kelly involved too. If I talk about the plot for too long, I'll get dizzy so let me just get back to the rollerskating.

Olivia had a great wardrobe in the movie. There were a lot of off-the-shoulder, frilly, white, flowing half-slit dresses. Imagine Stevie Nicks on wheels. (I nearly drove my father crazy one Easter looking high and low for a similar dress.) Of course, skating around made the dresses even more flowy and gorgeous. I used to skate in my basement because it was huge with a smooth cement floor. It was a perfect mini-roller rink, because my Dad put up a wall so I had to skate in a circle around it. And we had this exposed pole on one side of the room, which I used to love to swing around on. (NOT like a stripper. Get your heads out of the gutter, I was just a kid.) My friend, Donna, had this really cool lamp that had stencil shapes cut out of the lampshade. Then the shade would spin, creating sort of a poor-girl's disco ball, making pink and purple shapes dance across the walls and ceiling. It was actually pretty trippy, and very cool. She would come over to skate a lot, so she usually just left the lamp there. When I was by myself, I would put on the Xanadu soundtrack (especially the song "Magic") and skate around in the dancing lights, basically pretending to be Olivia. If I did that now, I'm sure I would be put in a rubber room. But as far as kid behavior goes, I'd say that was fairly normal.

After Xanadu, ONJ wanted to delve deeper into the saucy side of her that was starting to come out on Totally Hot. She shocked her country fans with 1981's Physical, a more dance-friendly record with some sexually suggestive lyrics. Of course, up until I was about 13 I really did think she was singing about working out in the title track. Hey, they were all at the gym in the video! Videos don't lie! That song actually got old with me pretty quickly. I'm still not a huge fan of it. I remember really playing the hell out of that album though. My favorite from it was "Make a Move on Me". I remember seeing her perform that on Solid Gold, immediately after which I frantically wrote down the shopping list for my next trip to the mall: headband, long shirt, belt, leggings, huge earrings. Then I made my sister give me a mullet soon after. I still wasn't blonde though, and my Dad wasn't about to let me dye my hair. Drat.

A couple of years later, I may have been ready to move on from my obsession. Not that I didn't still like Olivia, just that I started to get into Duran Duran and was more interested in looking at cute guys than trying to emulate a cute girl. I thought I was out, but she pulled me back in! In 1983, she starred in Two of a Kind, with love of my life, Johnny T. Seeing the two of them together again just thrilled me to no end. When I was younger, I didn't like seeing him kiss other girls in movies, but for some reason it didn't bother me when it was her. I thought they made the perfect couple. I figured if he had to be with anyone it may as well be her. And since I had planned on being just like her eventually, I figured it put me in a pretty good position. Ah, the convoluted mind of a child. Anyway, that was another movie that is typically considered "bad" by most people's standards. They have no idea what they're talking about. I genuinely enjoy it. It was nothing like Grease, but ONJ and JT still had good chemistry and it was a cute story. The soundtrack was pretty good, boasting two hits for Olivia, "Twist of Fate" and "(Livin' in) Desperate Times", which were both a little more rockin' than even the songs on Physical. There was also a lovely treat for me in the shape of a duet between my love and my idol, called "Take a Chance". I hadn't heard John sing since Grease, so I always adored that song. And if you couldn't have guessed this already, yes I did sing along to it in my room using the hairbrush as a microphone, only singing Olivia's parts and imagining John was there singing his. I WAS TEN. SUE ME.

After the novelty of seeing John and Olivia together again wore off and Two of a Kind was no longer fresh in my mind, ONJ's star started to lose its lustre for me and, apparently the rest of the world. She wasn't as popular as she used to be and I was just preoccupied with the new crop of '80s artists that had come along, like Duran Duran, Culture Club, Wham! and new favorite gal Cyndi Lauper, whose style and personality was completely different than that of Olivia's and thus, more exciting. I never really forgot her, but at such an impressionable age and during a time when what your friends think is paramount, I didn't think it wise to let my Newton-John flag fly so highly. Most of my friends just knew her from Grease, so I only really spoke about her in that context. I always liked her though, and if I would hear things about her in the news, I was always interested.

It was around 1993-1994 that I started hearing more about Olivia. Unfortunately, she was in the news due to having breast cancer. I immediately started thinking about what a big part of my young life she was and how much I really did still look up to her, in a way. I have a history of breast cancer in my family, so my risk of getting it is automatically higher. I've been aware of this since my late teens and was always very afraid that I would get it and wouldn't know what to do. So, to find out that my childhood idol had breast cancer was something of a shock, and I was genuinely concerned about her. Luckily, she battled cancer and won. The experience enabled her to become a role model for people again - this time not as a pretty pop singer, but as a strong woman who battled a disease and wanted to help others.

In 1999, Olivia released "Back With a Heart", going back to her pop country roots, gaining cricial acclaim as well as many new fans. It's not really my bag, but even though I may not be a huge fan of her new music these days I will still always be a fan of her. She's still beautiful and still has that sweet as pie persona. She's one of those rare celebrities who could easily be an idol for your mom, you and your kids. She just never seems to get old and has a timeless appeal. And to be honest, if I still had a turntable, I might be tempted to throw on that Two of a Kind soundtrack and lip synch to "Take a Chance". Of course, if anyone caught me, I'd just say I was wasted.

57 Channels and Nothing On

Bruce Springsteen totally dated himself with that song. No longer do cable subscribers have 57 channels. These days it's more like 200-300, and still people complain that there isn't anything on. We can usually always count on the major networks for at least one or two good shows, but if those are the only channels worth watching, why do we all spring for the dishes and the digital boxes? There must be other sources of entertainment on the cable channels. Are people these days just too clicker-happy and run through the channels too quickly to catch some of these gems? I'm going to assume that's the case and offer a public service. Since fall and the inevitable winter is upon us, we're all going to be spending a lot more time indoors, curled up on our couches. Therefore, we need something to watch. We're all addicted to our TVs, let's face it. Some of you aren't slaves to the tube and that's commendable. You can go ride your stationary bikes or knit some socks while I discuss some of the better cable TV programs that the rest of the world might enjoy.

The New Detectives - Discovery Channel, weekdays at 1:00 & 2:00 pm*
This show has always been one of my favorites. Long before the hotties of C.S.I. the regular Joes of the crime lab were catching criminals based on carpet fibers and latent fingerprints. There is usually a theme for each episode, with three vignettes that fall under that category. For instance, one episode was about women who poisoned their husbands, while another focused on cold cases that were solved through advancements in technology. One of the best parts of the show is the narrator, who has one of those great voices that could only have landed him a job in voice-overs for horror movie commercials or drunk driving public service announcements. Luckily, The New Detectives scooped him up.

Mythbusters - Discovery Channel, Wednesdays at 9:00 pm*
The tagline for this program is "They have one cause. Leave no urban legend untested". If you're a regular reader of my blog, you probably already know that I'm a big urban legend buff. I caught this show one night by accident, just flipping through the dial. I saw two goofy redheaded guys trying to see if their stomachs would explode from washing down Pop Rocks with soda-pop. As most of us know, that myth is a bunch of bunk. Since then, I've seen these guys, Jamie and Adam, shoot bullets through an airplane fuselage, rig a dummy up to simulate a person stuck in a falling elevator and try to pull an Ella Fitzgerald by singing just the right note to break glass. I forget that it's on sometimes, but watch it when I can. It's always very interesting. You don't even have to be a science nerd to enjoy it.

What Not To Wear - TLC, Fridays at 9:00 pm*, other times vary
Trading Spaces used to rule TLC. Now that they've gotten rid of the host, Paige, and home improvement shows have started to multiply like rabbits, I've sort of lost interest. WNTW is now the best show on TLC. Will someone please, please, PLEASE nominate me for this show?? I need a new $5000 wardrobe! Stacy and Clinton can pick on me all they want, I don't care. Believe me, if I had money I'd have better style. If I had a better job, I'd have more money. If I had better clothes, I could probably get a better job! It's just a vicious circle, isn't it?

Weird Travels Series - Travel Channel, times vary
The Travel Channel has a bunch of shows dealing with haunted locales and supernatural tales. I would suggest staying away from Most Haunted, because all it offers is a group of goofy people walking through a creepy building, filmed all in night-vision green, while some British dude tells us that something is there that we can't see and then they scream and run around like idiots. Skip it. There are other programs like Haunted Travels, Haunted Hotels and America's Most Haunted Places that are good for a ghost fix but stick to the history behind the stories and eyewitness accounts. Now that it's getting closer to Halloween, there will be no shortage of these programs on the Travel Channel, as well as Discovery.

Most Extreme Elimination Challenge - Spike TV, times vary
I think the regular time slot for this show is supposed to be Thursdays at 9:00, but I'm already watching C.S.I. and taping The Apprentice. I can't take much more on Thursday nights. Really, you can catch this show several times a week. It seems to be on a lot. They've taken a real show from Japan where contestants perform strange stunts and go through bizarrely crafted obstacle courses, and dubbed it in English with whatever dialogue the "interpreters" see fit. Between the ridiculous games, goofy outfits and hilarious fake commentary, this is one of the best shows for dumb humor since Jackass.

Aside from those programs, there are a lot of cool shows on VH1, like the endless versions of I Love the '80s that they keep coming up with, and the endearingly amusing My Fair Brady. Also, if you get VH1 Classic, count your blessings. I don't get it anymore and that is just about the only place to see music videos on a regular basis. And not just any videos - the good, old school kind. Damn it, I want my VH1 Classic back!

See? There's plenty on TV. Now be a good, fat, lazy American and sit on your damn couch and watch it.

(*All times listed are Eastern Standard Time. Face it, it's the best time zone.)

That's Entertainment?

Well, Ashlee Simpson made her "triumphant" return to Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Before I dive right into the pool of negativity, I will give her some props. I'm sure it did take a lot of guts to go back and perform on that show. She had to be prepared for the worst, especially after the Orange Bowl fiasco where she was basically booed offstage. Even if it was a calculated career move, even if her slimy stage dad told her he'd send her to bed without supper if she didn't do it, it was still a courageous move on her part and I commend her for it. And, to be quite honest, most of the viewers were probably relieved to see Ashlee after having to put up with boring, one-note host, Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder, whose 15 minutes should be up any second now.

HOWEVER. And you knew there would be a "however". Ashlee is just not a very good singer. I may have a little more respect for her now than I did before, but it doesn't change the fact that the girl should not be a recording artist. Watching her on SNL was almost like watching someone audition for American Idol. You know, the girl who can sing a little and maybe hit a few decent notes, but who you know Simon is just going to rip apart when she's done. Sure, she can sing better than me, but that's not really saying much!

I only had the stomach to watch Ash's first performance, the new song "Catch Me When I Fall". Supposedly she wrote it after her last appearance on SNL. I say supposedly because I wonder how much of a hand she really had in the composition. She co-wrote all of the songs on her last record, but was always listed last under the songwriting credits. So who's to say she didn't just come up with a line or two for each one? There isn't too much information available about the new album, so I can't say for sure right now if Ashlee's songwriting role has grown at all. Even if she did write this particular song all by herself, it's not much to brag about. Regardless of who wrote it, it was really her singing it on Saturday night. Again, not something really worth bragging about. Now, she's not the worst singer I've ever heard but she's certainly not someone who deserves to have a thriving career, making millions of dollars. She's average-girl cute and seems nice, but what does that have to do with music? The answer is, it has nothing to do with music but everything to do with the music business.

It used to be that the "music business" was for people who were in the business of making music. Today, it's for people who manufacture music to promote their business. Ashlee Simpson is not a musician. She is a business entity. She is a marketing tool for her record label. She is a walking, talking advertising ploy to get young people to open their wallets. She's a vessel for the pop-candy songwriting machine. The kind of music she performs is bland and unoriginal, but it's also inoffensive. There's not enough substance to it to really get anyone fired up enough to be against it. To her fans, Ashlee's songs are entertaining. To the rest of us, it's just background noise. Nothing to get in a big snit over.

This is how the music industry has become so screwed up. There are a truckload of "artists" just like Ashlee. There can only be one or two polarizing performers like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. It's not profitable to keep creating acts in their image because for every rabid fan, there is one person who wants to see them dead. They're just as loved as they are hated. What the industry wants are those artists who can attract a loyal fan base, but fly under everyone else's radar. The labels have figured out that if they keep churning out this same kind of music, delivered by similar cute and peppy performers, they can fool the public into thinking that they're getting variety. And because all of it essentially sounds the same, fans will like it all and shell out the bucks to buy everyone's records. Don't agree? Listen to Ashlee's record back to back with her sister, Jessica's. There aren't many differences. They marketed Ashlee as more edgy and rock than Jessica's dance-pop, but don't be fooled by the guitars. Just because a song has heavy guitars in it, that doesn't make it "rock".

I'm interested to see how well Ashlee's new album sells. Her management was smart to make her the "opposite" of Jessica for her debut. The record company knew that people wouldn't line up to buy Jessica Jr.'s record. Why should they? They're not that dumb. But dye her hair black, paint on some heavy eyeliner and give her a band, and voila...she became the anti-Jessica. She suddenly appealed to young girls who claimed they were sick of Barbie dolls like Jess and Britney. You know, the Avril Lavigne fans. Now though, Ashlee has shed that quasi-rocker image. She's back to being blonde. The new record is titled, I Am Me, which suggests that she's tired of portraying herself as something she's not just to get attention. At least that's how it looks on the surface. But being as jaded as I am at this point, I have to imagine that this is also a calculated move on her management's part. Now that it's obvious that the public is "on to her", they've decided the only thing they can do is turn her back into Jessica's little sister and give her an image that says "here I am, take it or leave it". In other words, she's an older, wiser Ashlee who has been through her SNL-hell, and come out platinum blonde on the other side. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm still not buying it.

By the way, if image really is everything, I'm not sure why Ashlee showed up on SNL looking like a pregnant, blonde Pippi Longstocking. Not a good look.

Wherefore Art Thou, Ubiquitous '80s Characters?

I was watching a rerun of Saturday Night Live the other night on E!, and it happened to be from the Colin Quinn/Adam Sandler era. It got me thinking about how my introduction to both of them came via the old MTV game show, Remote Control. What a stupid show that was! Yet somehow, I was completely hooked on it. Especially the "Sing Along With Colin" segment. Anyway, it got me to thinking that a lot of people who started out on that show went on to have pretty decent careers, except for the host. Thinking about Ken Ober for too long caused me to start dwelling on many folks who were ever-present in the '80s but have all but disappeared since. You can consider this post my version of VH1's "Where Are They Now?", without all the annoying commentary from the new millennium's semi-celebs who are destined to follow in these forgotten stars' footsteps.

Wherefore Art Thou.....

Ken Ober? As I just mentioned, many careers were launched by Remote Control, namely those of co-host Colin Quinn, recurring players Adam Sandler and Denis Leary, and hostesses Kari Wuhrer and Alicia Coppola. The latter two didn't hit it quite as big as the guys, but they both landed several roles on TV dramas and soap operas. (Personally, I always preferred the original hostess, Marisol Massey.) While most of the supporting cast seemed to benefit from the show, Ken Ober's star fizzled out after it went off the air. I haven't found much in the way of info on Ken, but it looks like he's worked fairly steadily since then. He was in a few low budget movies in the '90s, hosted another game show called Smush in 2001 and was most recently one of the producers of Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. I'd like to see Ober back on TV. He was very engaging in the role of game show host. Maybe he should host Family Feud? I used to love that show, but it has been completely ruined by the last two hacks, er hosts, Louie Anderson and Richard Karn. I'm just hoping that MTV doesn't try to resucitate Remote Control. I loved the show then, but I'm sure they would completely ruin it if it was brought back. This generation needs to start finding their own identity instead of constantly trying to recreate the older generations' pop culture memories.

Stephen Geoffreys? Geoffreys is probably best remembered for his role as "Evil" Ed in the campy vampire flick, Fright Night. He was usually always cast as the creepy, horny and/or nerdy guy in goofy movies such as Heaven Help Us or 976-EVIL. I hadn't heard a peep from this guy since the '80s, but he's been working very, uh, hard since then. Hold onto your hats kids because, in case you didn't know, Evil is a porn star! The former movie geek, now going by the pseudonym "Sam Ritter", has quite a string of gay porn films under his belt, including Butt Blazer, Latin Crotch Rockets and Mechanics bi Day, Lube Job bi Night. I have never watched a gay porno, but those fantastic titles certainly make me feel like I'm missing out. However, Stephen will always hold a special place in my heart simply for the fact that he starred in one of my favorite movies, Fraternity Vacation. Yes, it's a mindless Spring Break flick about guys trying to get laid, but it's the funniest one of all. It was also one of Tim Robbins' first movies. It's just one I never get tired of.

Michael Berryman? Most people either remember Berryman as a horror-movie staple or from Motley Crue's "Smokin' in the Boys Room" video. Berryman's trademark strange looks are caused by an incurable disease which prevents the formation of hair, sweat glands and fingernails. His career actually started out pretty promising, as he landed a part in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but eventually he became known for his odd roles in horror and sci-fi films like The Hills Have Eyes, The Highwayman and Double Dragon. He also had a pretty memorable bit part in Weird Science, as one of the mutant bikers who broke up Gary and Wyatt's party. It appears that Berryman has worked steadily since the '80s and continues to make movies, most recently appearing in The Devil's Rejects. I like horror films, but I gravitate more towards psychological thrillers and supernatural tales, which may explain why I haven't seen much of this actor in recent years. His roles generally don't stray too far from the mutant/monster/mental patient variety. Whether he's been relegated to B-movie status or not, it's good to hear that his career is still kicking, since everything I've read about him suggests that he's quite a nice guy. Nice guy or not, I don't understand how he got through that Motley Crue video shoot without putting a cigarette out in Vince Neil's fat face.

Kelly LeBrock? Another Weird Science alum, Kelly was basically the Elizabeth Hurley of the '80s. She got her big break in the Gene Wilder movie, The Woman in Red. All I remember about that movie is that its soundtrack spawned the horrific Stevie Wonder tunes, "I Just Called To Say I Love You" and "Don't Drive Drunk". However, Kelly's most famous role was Lisa, the 1985 version of the Bride of Frankenstein, in Weird Science. I love that movie. And as much as we all probably expected her to be another talentless bimbo, she was actually pretty funny in it. She was no Susan Sarandon, but it wasn't a movie that really required that kind of acting heavyweight. Then sometime in the early '90s, Kelly married talentless himbo, Steven Seagal. They later divorced amid rumors of spousal abuse, but if you ask me Kelly just got tired of the ponytail and all the squinting. Who wouldn't? She's been in a few other movies, but nothing really well-known or well-done. They're generally the kind of movies that you see on the shelves at Blockbuster with a cover photo involving two or more of the following elements: a naked woman in half silhouette, a knife, a gun, a blurry picture of a couple in the throes of passion, a flower of some sort and a smoldering cigarette. Flip the box over and the plot synopsis will contain two or more of the following phrases: "erotic thriller", "passion can be deadly", "be careful what you wish for", "her only crime was falling for the wrong man", "a game of cat and mouse", and "sometimes justice is against the law". That last oxymoron was actually the tagline for LeBrock's movie, Hard Bounty.

Morganna the Kissing Bandit? I remember this lady being in the news all the time when I was younger. I never saw her at a Pirate game, but I'd often see her on TV, running out onto a field with her 60-I (no kidding) breasts bouncing and her lips puckered up for some "lucky" baseball player. She basically made a living doing this through the '70s and '80s, and it may come as no surprise that her supplemental income was earned by working as an exotic dancer. I guess the act finally got old because no one paid much attention to Morganna once the '90s rolled around. She still stuck to it, mostly showing up at minor league games and even on a few basketball courts. Finally, in 2000 Morganna decided to retire her lips for good. There really isn't much information about her out there on the web because she's apparently living a quiet life somewhere in the Midwest and declining all interviews. Not to worry, there is no shortage of blondes with big boobs in the news these days.

Eye Boogers

This installment of "Eye Boogers" is a bit different. I feel pressure! Dear Layla seems to think I have all the scoop on celeb happenings. She very cryptically referred to some Hollywood gossip on her site, saying that she wouldn't discuss it until she sees it here on my blog. Eek. I hate to disappoint. Especially since she said I was hot.

Tom and Katie are pregnant - I was positive that Britney Spears' baby was the Antichrist, but now I'm not so sure. After all, Katie claimed that she would remain a virgin until she was married. Hmm. We'll all know when the crazy Latin chant music starts, I guess. Aside from these demonic possibilities, you just know that Brooke Shields is waiting for karma to strike by giving Katie the worst case of postpartum depression ever recorded. And if she says she wouldn't wish that on her, she's lying.

Chicago is Full of Lucky Bastards - Granted, I couldn't have afforded the $1000 ticket price, but I still wish I could've been at the Chicago House of Blues on Wednesday night, where Pearl Jam and Robert Plant played a benefit concert for Katrina victims. Eddie Vedder and Robert Plant. TOGETHER. They dueted on "Fool in the Rain" for God's sake. Un-be-freaking-lievable. Great music, great guys, great cause.

Nicolas Cage Names his Son Kal-el - Following the trend of weird names for celebrity offspring, weird actor Nic Cage named his kid after the father of Superman. I vividly remember Cage hosting SNL and being in a skit where he and Julia Sweeney played a couple trying to come up with a name for their baby. He shot down just about every name for fear that it would get their kid beat up. The punchline was that his fears stemmed from his own name, which was pronounced Ahz-wee-pay but spelled Asswipe. I would've expected a little more from Nic after that. But apparently he's fine with subjecting his child to a lifetime of torture and ridicule.

Ashlee Simpson Will Appear Again on SNL - Remember when SNL had really great musical guests? Remember a time when lip-synching on a live show would ensure that you would not be invited back? Oh, Lorne Michaels, you publicity whore. Give us a break. No one cares about Ashlee, trust me. I'm not sure whether she will be performing for real this weekend, but I can guarantee one thing. She will suck.

The Cowboy and The Colt Find Love? - I really have no link for this because it's an unsubstantiated rumor, but I'm not above conjecture. The latest in the Kenny Chesney/Renee Zellweger split is that the "fraud" listed as the reason for their divorce was that Kenny passed himself off as a heterosexual. Many are speculating that Kenny and long-time friend, Indianapolis Colts QB and big doofus, Peyton Manning, are more than friends. I never could understand why the public is always so concerned about the sexual preferences of celebrities. Especially because when someone actually does come out, all the conservatives who wanted to know the scoop in the first place wrinkle up their noses and complain, "Why do these people have to flaunt their gayness?". And who still cares about this? Are drunken football fans afraid that if Peyton turns out to be gay, he'll suddenly start throwing like a girl? Are rednecks afraid that Chesney will turn in his tractor for a pair of sequined rollerskates? Come on, people. (Do they make sequined rollerskates? If so, I want a pair.)

British Boob Survey Complete - A survey of 2000 British men was conducted to find out which female celebrity possessed the best breasts. (Wow, say that 5 times fast.) The winner? Catherine Zeta-Jones. CZJ has divine boobs. Oh yes, she does. Oh yes. Feel free to start rumors that we are lesbian lovers. I may be straight, but I wouldn't pass up that action.

Hard Times and Hard Rock in PA

GOOD LORD.

That's really all I can say about my concert-going experience on Monday night. However, since I'm not trying to win an award for "most cryptic blog entry", I shall expound. I don't want to turn this blog into the online-diary variety, but this tale requires telling. Especially because, if I don't tell it, my darling best friend will, no doubt, out me in the comments section. This is what I get for pointing and laughing at celebrities all the time I guess. Three fingers are pointing right back at me and the idiot light is flashing.

As you all know by this point, I love me some Pearl Jam. I was very excited to be going to the concert in Philly. I was also being very OCD about keeping the tickets in my line of vision. The last thing I wanted was to drive all the way to Harrisburg (where I was picking up my best friend and her husband) and realizing that I didn't have them. I checked on those tickets like they were a newborn baby, like every 10 minutes on the drive down, and breathed a sigh of relief each time. Aaaaah. Still there. Here I come, Eddie. I've got the golden tickets.

I got to my friends' house with just enough time to comb the wind-tailored knots out of my hair and slap some makeup on. We wanted to leave so we would have enough time to grab something to eat and relax. We left at 5:00, which meant that we would arrive by 7:00 at the LATEST. The show started at 7, but we really didn't care if we missed the opening act. About 40 minutes into the drive, my friend Angela asked where the tickets were. I don't know if everyone in the car heard a loud thumping noise, but if they did, that was just my heart falling into my stomach. I DIDN'T KNOW. Holy Moses, I left them back at their house. I am officially a moron. Somewhere between their house and my car, my OCD was cured and I didn't give the tickets a second thought. Unfortunately, there is a big wall that separates the two sides of the turnpike so I couldn't immediately screech to a halt and pull a U-turn. We had to drive however many miles (all distances felt like a million miles to me at that point) to the next exit, get off, turn around and go back and get the tickets. A family of ulcers immediately formed in my gut, and I became an unblinking, rigid thing, leaning forward as I was driving as if that would somehow propel the car back to Harrisburg faster. Then of course, with confidence in myself and the fairness of life shot, I started imagining that the tickets wouldn't be at the house either. They couldn't have sprouted feet and walked away, but I was sure at that point that forces were conspiring against me. I have a theory on exactly what force it was too, which I will explain in a minute.

To make an already long story slightly shorter, we got back to the house and the tickets were, indeed, there. So, we hightailed it back and I kept along at a nice steady clip of about 80 mph in the hopes that we would get there just as PJ was stepping onstage. Worst case scenario, we thought, would be that we'd miss the first song or two.

Has anyone been to Philly? Are any of my readers from Philly? I have a suggestion. You need about 5 more lanes on every street. I have never seen a more gridlocked city in my life. Well, I shouldn't say gridlocked because traffic was at least moving, but there were an unbelievable number of cars out for a Monday evening. It's like they're trying to fit the population of New York City into a much smaller area. I'd never been there before, and I didn't get to see much of it, but I wasn't too pleased with it that night. Then we had to take the giant circle tour around Wachovia Center because they only had one parking lot gate open, and of course it was the one that was 180 degrees from where we started. The only positive was that we didn't have to pay to park, which is virtually unheard of. I don't know if that's just because we got there so late or what, but I wasn't complaining.

Turns out we didn't get there until 9:00. The band was in the middle of a song when we walked in, but I was just hoping that we wouldn't be there for 3 or 4 more and then they'd say, "Goodnight Philadelphia!". I checked The Sky I Scrape today for the setlist and according to their sources it was as follows:

Ed pre-set w/Sleater-Kinney: Promised Land (Bruce Springsteen cover)
Set: Wash, Hail Hail, Brain Of J, Spin The Black Circle, Given To Fly, Sad, Alone, Even Flow, Green Disease, Faithfull, Whipping, Not For You, Leatherman, Betterman, Nothingman, Once, Bleed For Me (?), Blood
Encore 1: Around The Bend, Harvest Moon (w/Sleater-Kinney), Hard To Imagine, Crown Of Thorns, Crazy Mary, Alive
Encore 2: Last Kiss, In My Tree, Do The Evolution, Sonic Reducer, Little Sister (Elvis Presley cover), Leaving Here (w/Sleater-Kinney), Rockin' In The Free World (w/Sleater-Kinney), Yellow Ledbetter


When we first walked into the arena, I could hear music but wasn't able to immediately recognize the song. I realize now that it was "Whipping", which has never been one of my favorites. The first full song we heard, although we were still looking for our seats during, was "Not For You". We were completely situated by the time they broke into "Betterman". (By the way, I'm 99% certain that "Leatherman" came after "Betterman" in the set, so that list above may not be entirely accurate.)

I knew that Eddie would come out before the show and either do something solo or with the opening act. He's pretty much famous for doing that. I love "Promised Land", so that would've been nice to hear. Aside from that, it looks like we missed 10 songs. It pains me to have missed "Even Flow", "Given to Fly" and "Hail Hail". I've never heard them do "Alone" live, which is one of those rare B-sides, so I would like to have heard that too. Actually, it sucks that I missed any of it! The only song of those 10 that I don't like is "Spin the Black Circle".

Even with being so late, we still got to see a 2 hour show. And as I always say, some Pearl Jam is better than none. At least I didn't miss "Corduroy" or "I Got Id" or I would be having a minor spaz-out right now. Overall, it was a good show. They always aim to please.

Still, there were some issues. I'm usually loath to say anything too negative when it comes to these guys, but maybe driving for what seems like two days straight makes me feel inclined to lodge a few complaints. The biggest of which is that the Wachovia Center's sound system sucks. It sucks hard. I have seen these guys on three other occasions and every time I was able to hear them perfectly. Eddie may be a bit of a mumbler, but he's not that bad. It seemed like it was either too loud or there was too much static or feedback, but whatever it was really did injustice to their music. Not to mention, I could barely understand half of what Eddie said to the audience in between songs let alone make out the actual song lyrics. It was still a good show, but the worst out of the four times I've seen them. (Granted, PJ's worst is generally 10 times better than a lot of bands' best.)

The other issue was that I think I was just so stressed out from the freaking Abbott and Costello routine we just went through to simply get to the show with tickets in hand, that it sort of lessened my enjoyment of the whole thing. I still felt a bit on edge, even after I got there. I kind of felt like maybe Eddie should've come up and given me a big hug or something, and then I could've relaxed! Maybe I'll write him a sob-story letter and hope that he'll take pity on me and bring the boys to my back yard for a private show. A girl can dream.

My third and final gripe has to do with the cover songs. Now, Pearl Jam has always been known for throwing in anywhere from 1-3 covers at every show. And, generally, I like it because they tend to pick really good songs to cover. They either go for great, older songs that you never hear anymore like Split Enz' "I Got You" or crowd favorites like The Who's "Baba O'Riley" or, as with this show, Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World". However, I felt they did way too many covers this time around. They have so many good songs of their own, that they really don't need to fill up the time with other people's. True that it especially annoyed me because I had already missed a bunch of their songs from the beginning of the set, but it still would've bothered me had I been there for the whole show.

I have no idea what the first cover song was, and apparently whoever put together that set list on the above linked website didn't either, as evidenced by the question mark after the possible title "Bleed for Me". All together, there were five covers performed. If I wanted to be super-technical about it, there were actually nine,but they can get away with four of them. I'll give them "Last Kiss" and "Leaving Here", because they actually recorded both songs. The former was one of the fan club singles which ended up becoming a monster hit for them, and the latter is on their collection of B-sides, Lost Dogs. "Crazy Mary" was a Victoria Williams song, but PJ did record it for the Sweet Relief album. "Crown of Thorns" is a Mother Love Bone song, a band which was kind of a precursor to Pearl Jam and founded by bassist Jeff Ament and guitarist Stone Gossard, so it's really like half theirs.

I don't mean to sound so picky about a band that I love so much, but after such a nutty experience getting to the show, the last thing I wanted to hear was a bunch of covers. The other five could've easily been replaced by "Corduroy", "I Got Id", "...Small Town", "State of Love and Trust" and "Rearviewmirror"...or any of 50 other songs I could probably name off the top of my head. I just can't wrap my mind around why they would do that. Cover bands are a dime a dozen. Pearl Jam is not a cover band! But who knows, maybe they were just tired. It was the last show of the tour, after all, and one that was tacked on at the last minute.

Speaking of covers, during "Crazy Mary", something happened with that stellar sound system. I'm not sure exactly what but something came unplugged or some other technical issue that I wouldn't know anything about occured, causing this loud, piercing feedback to resonate through the arena. They had to stop the song while the sound crew made some adjustments, and Eddie said that it "freaked him out" because he thought maybe it was the ghost of Mary. Nope, it wasn't her. Remember when I said I knew what force was conspiring against me? Yeah, it was him. Kurt Cobain. I have talked so much smack about that guy since his death that he finally decided to take his angst out on me. So the following is for him.

Look Kurt, just to set the record straight, I didn't hate you and I don't hate Nirvana. I own a Nirvana album. I liked a lot of your songs. I thought you seemed like a decent guy. I just don't get why the media has turned you into some Christ-like figure because you couldn't deal with life and took the rock'n roll cliche's way out. I won't apologize for not canonizing you like the rest of Generation X. I won't apologize for insisting that Pearl Jam is a much better band than Nirvana ever was. I won't apologize for thinking that you were kind of a jerk for you and your bandmates' snotty little comments about them over the years. They've stood the test of time and you didn't. I'm sorry if you don't like hearing this, but it's all true. That doesn't mean that I don't wish that you hadn't killed yourself. I wish you hadn't. If for no other reason, because you left your child alone with your psychotic, train wreck of wife, who can't take care of herself let alone your kid. If you're gonna haunt anyone, haunt her. I may break out in a rash when people start the Cobain/Lennon comparisons, but that doesn't mean that I don't have some respect for you. And Eddie, bless his heart, respects you even though you didn't seem to give him much in return. So there. Rest in peace Kurt. Because next time you try to come between me and Pearl Jam, I'm hiring the ghost of Layne Staley to bust you up.

Nobody Does It Vedder

Motown Philly back again...doin' a little Pearl Jam thang...

I'm headed to the streets of Philadelphia tomorrow to check out Eddie and the boys, so I thought I'd give a little lip service to my favorite band. This will be my fourth PJ concert, but believe me, four times isn't nearly enough. I wish I could be like the Deadheads, quit my job and just follow those guys around the country. I tend to babble aimlessly when talking about them, so forgive me if this is a long and winding post.

I could've caught them in my own backyard just three nights ago, as they were here in Pittsburgh opening for the Rolling Stones. My reasons for not going are threefold. (Yes, I finally got to use that word in a sentence!!) One, I've seen Pearl Jam headline three times and a mere opening slot would just be a tease. Two, I've seen the Stones twice and didn't feel the need to see them again. Three, it was TOO BLOODY EXPENSIVE. I delved further into that issue in my very first blog entry, but basically no band is worth paying over $150 for. And $150 was the low end of ticket prices. Adding insult to injury, it was later revealed that it cost $50 to park in the Heinz Field lots!

Some locals are smarter than I, because they anchored their boats or camped out on blankets outside the stadium and got to hear the show for free. And to think I was lying on my couch watching C.S.I. The concert got a great review in the local paper, and all reports I've heard have been nothing short of gushing. Apparently, the biggest crowd-pleaser came in the form of Eddie Vedder coming back out on stage to duet with Mick on "Wild Horses". Now, I would love to have seen that, but I'm sure a bootleg copy of the performance will surface somewhere. Although, I doubt that Mick and Keef are as bootleg-friendly as PJ. They probably had a helicopter fly over the crowd with a giant magnet that sucked up any electronics or recording devices.

Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to the show, as I look forward to all of their shows. There has never been a band or artist whose music has touched me or affected me as profoundly as theirs. There was actually a time, only a few years ago, where I had practically given up on music because it seemed like the business had taken over and there was nothing of any substance left. At that point, all I listened to was Pearl Jam. I couldn't bring myself to listen to the radio, and although I would occasionally listen to other CDs, nothing else ever made me feel anything. This is not a testament to them being the best band in the world, it's simply an illustration of how I felt at the time. I felt like rock music might very well be dead, and Pearl Jam was the only light at the end of the tunnel.

It was actually the discovery of a completely different band, Vic Thrill (who I will blog about in greater detail soon), that prompted my musical re-awakening and I'm happy to report that since then I have discovered that there is a lot of great music out there, but sometimes it actually needs to be found. If we sit around and wait for the radio or MTV to give us quality artists, we could end up very bored and very disappointed. Now, I'm not one of those people who doesn't like anything mainstream. If I were, I wouldn't like Pearl Jam. And I'm not saying that all music should be "thinking man's music" or have a message. Some of it is just meant to entertain. But there is a difference between music and entertainment, and that is what these record company stiffs seem to have forgotten. Music is an art form and at it's very best it should provoke a response or a reaction in people. "It's got a good beat and I could dance to it" is not the kind of response that I'm talking about either. I'm talking about really connecting with something on an emotional, spiritual or mental level. One of the simple pleasures in life is hearing a song that really speaks to you. The kind of song that you hear and think, "My God, this person just reached inside me, pulled everything out and wrote it down". Honestly, I can't even count how many Pearl Jam songs I've felt that way about.

When I talk about the band, I usually end up focusing on Eddie Vedder. I don't mean to slight the other guys, because they are all immensely talented and have fantastic chemistry together. The music always grabs me, but it's the lyrics that really keep and hold me, which explains why Eddie gets most of my attention. There is only a small handful of lyricists out there who I feel can put pen to paper and spin gold just about every time. Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Nicks are two such artists, and Eddie Vedder is right up there with them. I've always felt that The Boss was tops when it came to songwriting, but Eddie might actually have a slight edge on him as far as I'm concerned, only because more of his songs seem to really affect me. It has a lot to do with his delivery as well. He's right there with Bruce and Stevie in the vocal category too, because they're all singers that seem to have a very polarizing effect on people. You either love 'em or hate 'em. I happen to love all of them because I do actually like the quality of their voices but more importantly, when they sing it's for real, and it's from the heart. When I hear Eddie sing, and especially when I see him perform, I know I'm not getting an act. He's up there feeling it, meaning it and owning it. There are certainly a lot of vocalists out there who are technically better singers, but who leave me absolutely cold. Eddie's voice is pure emotion, and the emotions run the gamut. He can go from angry, guttural growls to lilting, almost weepy tones to soaring releases of energy. There is absolutely nothing that is phony about him, and I appreciate that...especially now in a music industry riddled with sell-outs and soundalikes.

When I think of the effect that Pearl Jam's music has on me, I can understand why even the ugliest rock stars can bag the prettiest women. What they have, if you truly connect with it, is something so beyond physical attraction. Talent is sexy. Dedication to one's craft is endearing. Passion is irresistible. I imagine that even if Eddie Vedder looked like Ric Ocasek, I would still probably want to have his children. I would just be less likely to admit it in public! As it happens, Eddie is blessed with one of the most adorable faces that I've ever seen and hair that I would play with all day long if I could. But honestly, and all you girls will think I'm full of it but I'm being serious, if I had the opportunity to be alone in a room with him for a few hours I would rather talk music or have him sing to me than try to jump on him. As hot as I think he is, I find him so fascinating and would be more concerned with learning where he gets his inspiration from than trying what would most likely be an unsuccessful seduction attempt. Quite simply, I think I would just really love to tell him what his music has meant to me all these years. I think that would make us both happy.

(Ok, then if he wanted to get it on after that, I wouldn't say no. I'm not a moron.)

For those of you who aren't PJ fans, sorry for the rant. But I'm sure that there is some artist who you feel this strongly about. I'd love to hear about it. And if anything I've said has prompted anyone to check Pearl Jam out for the first, second or umpteenth time, then I'm pleased. I will even offer up some suggestions by way of my Top 20 PJ songs (a ranking order that changes all the time, except for the top 3):

1. Corduroy, Vitalogy
2. I God Id, Merkinball single
3. No Way, Yield
4. Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town, Vs
5. In My Tree, No Code
6. Nothingman, Vitalogy
7. Thumbing My Way, Riot Act
8. Angel, Christmas '93 single
9. State of Love and Trust, Singles soundtrack
10. Rearviewmirror, Vs
11. Even Flow, Ten
12. Other Side, Save You single and Lost Dogs
13. Leash, Vs
14. Wishlist, Yield
15. Dissident, Vs
16. You Are, Riot Act
17. Porch, Ten
18. Light Years, Binaural
19. W.M.A., Vs
20. Off He Goes, No Code

And finally, for some shameless self-promotion! If you're interested, I wrote a few Pearl Jam CD reviews over at Epinions. I started with the intention of reviewing all of them, in order of my preference but I only got through three of them. I just started to feel like I was repeating myself and didn't feel like devoting all of my time to writing strictly record reviews. They probably are a bit rhapsodical, but what the hell, they're my boys!

Links:
Review of Riot Act
Review of Vs
Review of No Code

You Give Girls A Bad Name

Is it just me, or is the ratio of annoying female celebrities to annoying male celebrities something like 75:1? I don't want to sound catty or like a traitor to my gender, but if I do sound that way, so be it. Some of these broads just need to be smacked, plain and simple. And no, I'm not jealous. I'm nauseous.

I guess I should preface this by saying that I am not a girly-girl. Never have been. I don't have a gaggle of gal-pals. I've never been in a sorority. When I'm at a bar or restaurant, I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself. I don't like shopping or talking on the phone. When I bump into a girlfriend who I haven't seen for a whole week, I don't feel the need to shriek like a Banshee and hug the snot out of her as if she had just returned from the dead. I don't get manicures. And I don't put on the quasi-lesbian act on the dance floor with my friends to get male attention. (Ok, well I have done that a few times, but only when I was tipsy and fully aware that it was being done satirically.)

I've always been a "guy's girl". I watch football and don't need a glass for my beer. I love darts and pool. I'm not easily offended, and don't have a problem with bodily functions. I'm not a cryer. Most importantly, if I'm pissed off, I'll tell you why rather than make you guess. This all must come from having a dominantly male influence in my family. I've always gotten along better with men, and I have a laundry list of fellas who think I'm a "cool girl" but don't think of me in that way to prove it. Yeah, it's not always fun being the guy's girl, but I wouldn't give it up to be Little Miss High Maintenance.

But enough about me. Let's get back to the girly celebs who are currently making it hard to be a woman these days. (Don't worry, I'll pick on some men soon enough.)

Sssup babee? Yama zazzle blop!
Anna Nicole Smith - Anna is still looking for her cut of her dead husband's riches. The Blonde Dumb-Shell appealed the original ruling, which left her with nothing, and somehow managed to get the Supreme Court to hear her case. I'm guessing it has something to do with all the male Supreme Court judges being as old as dirt and hoping for a chance to hop into bed with her themselves? Or is the J-crew really that bored and just trying to liven up their daily grind? I hear that Anna plans to defend herself in the case. Apparently her opening and closing arguments will consist of unintelligible drivel, and the middle part will just be a lot of posing and catchphrases like, "D'ya like my body?". And if the case doesn't seem to be going her way, one of her boobs might "accidentally" fall out of her top. With 7 men and 2 women ruling, she may very well walk away a winner with that strategy.


Ohhh umm yesss, special sauce...
Paris Hilton - This chick has been on my nerves since the first time I saw her vacant visage. I used to think Mariah Carey was the most annoying woman on the planet, but Paris nearly knocked her completely off my radar. If you blinked, you might not be aware that she recently became engaged. Blink again? Ok, she's not anymore. Sounding a lot like Renee Zellweger, Paris issued a statement about the break-up in which she said, "I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time". I'd find it a lot easier to respect her privacy if she wasn't constantly sticking that dolphin nose of hers into every camera within a 50 yard radius. Anyway, Miss Thang thought she found the love of her life in Paris Latsis, a young man who is the son of Greek shipping tycoon, John Latsis. Unfortunately it was not to be. Paris soon realized that just because her beau shared her first name, dumb blonde looks and life of privilege, he couldn't quite compare to the real love of her life - herself. She will soon be following in Anna Nicole's footsteps and heading to the Supreme Court. Her goal is to get self-marriage legalized.


Me hungry. Me want burger too!
Lindsay Lohan - It's such a shame. I really used to like this girl. Now she just aggravates me. However, at a recent intervention where she was made to walk through a Hall of Mirrors, she finally admitted that she was too thin. She's decided that she wants to be a role model to young girls by telling them that they need to take better care of themselves than she did and be proud of their bodies. And what better way to teach the young people about self-acceptance than posing nude! Yes, Lindsay has decided to grin and bare it for Vanity Fair, just like pal Paris Hilton did. According to the linked story, Hilton's recent mag cover, where she appeared naked from the waist up with her arms strategically placed over the Hilton towers,"inspired Lindsay to push the envelope even further." I think it's great that Paris is leading by example. Now if only she would go jump off a bridge.


Oh, my nose! Oh, my nose!
Jennifer Garner - I'm not an Alias fan and I have never seen what the big fascination with this girl is. I don't dislike her as much as the 3 goofs listed above, but her recent "slip-up" just had me shaking my head in half apathy, half irritation. When Garner recently appeared as a guest on The Tonight Show, she refused to answer Jay Leno's questions regarding the sex of her unborn baby. However, at one point in their conversation Jennifer referred to the baby as "she", followed by a overdramatic "oops" moment where she slapped both hands over her mouth and then laughed. Cue the "mwah-mwah-mwah" music and laugh track. Oh, Jennifer you silly! You let the cat out of the bag! Then she continued on by saying, Oops, I didn't mean to say "she". But that doesn't mean we're having a boy either. What I mean to say is that my baby is definitely a girl. What? No, wait! That's not what I meant to say! I meant that we don't know yet what she is. Woops! I said it again! Ha ha. I hope no one's watching. Ben and I really wanted to keep this secret. Just in case, could you please have one of your assistants call all the major newspapers and magazines and tell them that I'm having a girl? Aaah!! Tee-hee! No, no, I mean, call them and tell them that it could be a girl. Or not. But maybe. *Cough*And we're registered at Baby Armani.*Cough*


Uh huhuh, my butt crack can act too.
Tara Reid - I'm not quite sure how Tara became famous. You can find a thousand girls just like her on any given college campus, spring break destination or overpriced, crowded nightclub. Now the poor thing is complaining that the media has portrayed her in a bad light. She wants the public to see her as a great actress instead of the consummate party girl. Hmm. So, she's really a good girl and master thespian? You mean the paparazzi has somehow staged all of her half-naked, half-baked shenanigans? Those evil geniuses! Apparently she's never heard the phrase, "the camera doesn't lie". I guess she'll blame film directors next for portraying her as a bad actress. She's still fuming that they cut her soliloquy on fellatio from American Pie. I hear it was very Lady MacBeth. Is this a penis I see before me?....

Here's to being annyoing! Woo-hoo!