Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Sperminator II: Humping Day

Too bad future-world Sean Preston didn't send a mercenary back in time to stop The Sperminator from striking again. But then in the future, adult Sean is probably emancipated from his parents and living a quiet life somewhere, occasionally popping valium to "forget."

Imagined conversation between Brit and K-Fed on the Eve of Conception #2:

The Sperminator: "Yo...told ya I'd be back."
Britney: "Yay!! Now we can do it again...did you get the 'thingies'?"
The Sperminator: "No, baby. None of the stores carry the ones with the super-duper heavy-duty sperm-blocking reservoir tip like I need."
Britney: "Damn, darlin' didn't you try the Super K-Mart? They got everythang."
The Sperminator: "Shucks, I know! They was the first place I went, but they was out."
Britney: "So you didn't get nuthin'?"
The Sperminator: "Negative. Um, well...I did get you this bag of pork rinds."
Britney: *sigh* "Oh baby you're too good to me."
The Sperminator: "So uh...can we still get nekkid?"
Britney: "Well....I guess it's ok. I mean, we're dancers. I'm sure we can figure out the rhythm method."
The Sperminator: "Yeeeeeah. Your clothes...give them to me now."

And if this were really a movie, of course this would be the theme song....

Oops!...I'm pregnant again
I played with your part, I couldn't abstain
Oh K-Fed baby
Oops!...You didn't pull out
Now there is no doubt
We're both such idiots

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Who Shot JT?

After hearing rumors swirling around for the past month or so, it's official. John Travolta will star as J.R. Ewing in a movie adaptation of '80s TV show, Dallas. And if I'm not annoyed enough by the lack of fresh ideas in Hollywood, J. Lo has been cast as J.R.'s wife, Sue Ellen. How does this woman continue to land roles? My man John needs a hit, so I hope Jenny from the block doesn't screw this up.

As much as I wish Hollywood would come up with something original, a Dallas movie might not be all that horrible. (And really, anything involving my beloved isn't all that bad. Ok, anything except Battlefield Earth.) I was probably much too young to be watching that show, but watch it I did. I thought Bobby was cute, Pam was annoying, Lucy was cool and, like everyone else, I loved to hate J.R.

I definitely think my man John can pull off this role. Before Dallas, Larry Hagman was Ultra-Nice Guy Tony Nelson on I Dream of Jeannie, so there were probably a lot of people who didn't think he could play an evil oil tycoon. But he was awesome. I think part of what made him succeed in that role was an underlying goodness that came through. He just had an innate likeability that he couldn't hide, even behind such an immoral character as J.R. The same is true for John Travolta. Even when he's playing a bad guy, as in Pulp Fiction or some of Face/Off, the audience can't help but like him, and even root for him a little bit. That's real charm, baby.

Unfortunately, Jennifer Lopez doesn't have the charm needed to make Sue Ellen a sympathetic character, who was played to boozy perfection by Linda Gray in the original series. I'm not quite sure I can buy Luke Wilson as Bobby Ewing either. He's kind of a likeable guy, but he's always a bit dull in all of his movies. He's not quite as charismatic as his bro, Owen. Patrick Duffy was kind of the dull, goody two-shoes too, but he had a little more spark. I can't see Luke and John playing off each other as well as Patrick and Larry did. Even though I haven't seen them onscreen together yet, I can't really foresee any great chemistry there. You know, when thinking of actors who could fill tall, handsome, curly haired, nice guy Patrick Duffy's shoes, it should come as no surprise that the name Jeremy Sisto comes to mind. He would've been a much better choice. (And as we all remember from prior photographic evidence, young Jeremy looked an awful lot like young John.) But then, TPTB probably realize that putting John and Jeremy in the same movie together is just insane. The cameras would probably melt from the heat of their combined gorgeousness. But let me put my hormones aside for a moment and get back on topic.

Not all of the characters have been cast as of yet, and I'm not sure Luke Wilson is a done deal. Last I heard he was upset that the filmmakers are planning on shooting on location in FLORIDA. Well, I can see his point. This isn't Jacksonville, it's Dallas, for God's sake. (And they should really use the original Southfork ranch. Hey, I was there! Yay me!) Shirley MacLaine has signed on to play Miss Ellie. She's a pretty good choice. And on to bad choices - I hear that Lindsay Hohan and Jessica Simp are duking it out for the role of Lucy. Charlene Tilton thinks Lindsay should get it. I say neither one of them. Well, obviously if it were a choice, I would pick the one who can act too (Lindsay) but the girl gets on my nerves something fierce. Therefore, she should never get to work with John.

Here are my picks for the rest of the characters...and while I'm at it, I might as well pick actors who I'd rather see in roles that have already been cast:

J.R. Ewing - John Travolta. Duh. Like I'd remove him from any film.
Sue Ellen Ewing - Virginia Madsen. She looks perfect for this role. I would pick Catherine Zeta-Jones, but she just looks too classy to be Sue Ellen. And if she and John starred in a movie together, my sexuality would end up locked in an insane tug-of-war with itself.
Miss Ellie - Shirley MacLaine sounds good. If not her, I'd go for Frances Sternhagen.
Jock Ewing - James Whitmore. As long as he doesn't die like the other Jock.
Bobby Ewing - Jeremy Sisto. First scene with John: Camera #1 explodes. Camera #2 starts to smoke.
Pam Ewing - Zooey Deschanel. I don't know, I just like her. I'm not going for "annoying" ala Victoria Principal.
Cliff Barnes - Dennis Quaid. What a smile.
Ray Krebbs - Owen Wilson. Yeah, get the other brother in there.
Lucy Ewing Cooper - Rachel McAdams. She looks younger than she is, and she's already proven she can play the "teen vixen" character well.
Mitch Cooper - Can't we bring back the original, Leigh McCloskey? I bet the '80s uber-stud still looks the same!
Kristin Shepard - Parker Posey. She does great "crazy". I could totally see her pumping J.R. full of lead.

Sheee-it. He always did look good in a cowboy hat.

Can't Avoid Being "It" Forver

Brooks "tagged" me quite some time ago, so I will do the proper thing and post little bits about me:

4 Jobs I’ve Had: (I'm assuming this is past tense and therefore I am not including the job I now have.)

Waitress
Bartender
Retail Sales-Schmuck
Office Grunt

4 Movies I Can Watch Over & Over:

Grease
Tommy Boy
The Shawshank Redemption
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

4 Places I Have Lived:

Pittsburgh, PA
Indiana, PA
New York, NY (for about 2 weeks)
Jersey City, NJ

4 Places I Want to Live:

Brooklyn, NY
Anywhere in Ireland
Hawaii (just for a few months or so)
Pittsburgh, PA (again)

4 TV Shows I Watch Regularly:

My Name is Earl
C.S.I.
American Idol
Best Week Ever

4 Highly-Regarded TV shows I have never watched a minute of:

Alias
Lost
Arrested Development
The Family Guy

4 Places I Have Vacationed:

Ocean City, MD
Dallas, TX
Daytona Beach, FL
Toronto, CAN

4 Places I would Like to Vacation:

Ireland
Hawaii
Australia
Cedar Point (I'm a coaster freak...and I haven't been there since I was 4)

4 Favorite Dishes:

A good cheeseburger
Chicken everything (lately it's been chicken, peppers and onions over linguine with garlic/olive oil...yum)
Mac'n cheese with tuna
My dad's meatloaf

4 Sites I visit daily:

MySpace
Stat Counter (it's so funny and fascinating)
You Tube
Yahoo!

4 Places I Would Rather Be:

Ireland
The beach
The beach...with some hot dude
On a long cruise

4 People I am Tagging:

Jef with one F
Alecia with one I
Layla with one Y
Masha with one S

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Mission Impossible to Ignore: Spawn of TomKat - Thank God, now reporters can stop yammering on about the pregnancy and silent birth and jump right into discussion of the requisite unconventional baby name (Suri), whether or not Katie will ironically suffer post-partum depression and wondering if the whole family will jump in the nearest spaceship and head off to L. Ron-Land. Whatever. My favorite snippet of the linked story is this: "Details about the birth weren't disclosed, but it had been planned to take place as a silent procedure under the tenants of the Church of Scientology." It had been planned. Yeah, in other words, Katie screamed bloody murder and threatened to knock Tom's perfect teeth down his throat if he said a damn word about it. Actually, other accounts hint that it may have been an easy delivery since Katie was back home less than 24 hours after giving birth. I think Tom probably jumped up and down on Katie's tummy yelling, "I love this baby...I love this baby!" until she just popped right out. Easy peasy.

Even Lesbian Couples Are Having Babies - Melissa Etheridge and her woman, Tammy Lynn Michaels, are the latest celebs to catch baby fever. Tammy is preggers and is due this fall. The proud father? Graham Nash. It was his turn. You should probably read the article though...I may be making that up.

Womb Raider: Spawn of Brangelina - Oh yeah, these bozos are expecting too. I keep forgetting. I have a feeling that Brad and Ang will have a girl, just like Tom and Katie. I imagine that Baby Cruise and Baby Pitt will grow up very differently, yet when they are of age they will become best friends and enjoy ridiculously pampered lives as quasi-celebrities, often starring in reality shows or bad horror movies. Let's call them the future Paris and Nicole.

Paris Hilton Sings Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner - Speak of the devil and she appears. Well, "appears" probably isn't the right word. That implies that she ever disappeared, which she unfortunately has not. This link will take you to the You Tube video of her most recent "performance." It really must be seen and heard to be believed. And if I had to witness this mess, then you all have to too. Is she trying to be sexy? Is she trying to channel Marilyn Monroe? Is she trying out for American Idol? Is she hitting actual notes? Does she just have gas? It's so hard to tell.

Nick Lachey Needs a Woman - Uh, at least that's how I interpreted this Rolling Stone article. I admit that I have serious issues with RS, but several points in this article made me laugh out loud, most notably the description of Joe Simpson as "a former Baptist minister turned relentless pimp for his two vocally challenged girls." Oh, that's classic. Anyway, the basic point behind this article is that Nick is a good guy who got dumped by his more famous, less talented, not-really-that-dumb bimbo of a wife. If people already dislike the tone-deaf Proactive shill, this article will do nothing to change their minds. And Nick, as always, comes off beautifully. I keep hearing that he's hooking up with other blonde bimbos but he says it's not true. I've never been a fan of 98 Degrees or his brand of pretty boy lite-pop, but I certainly wouldn't kick him out of my bed for eating chicken of the sea on crackers. Nick, if you're interested in trying out a reasonably smart brunette while you're in this transitional phase, I'm game.

Eye Boogers are All the Rage - So, this isn't really a pop culture phenomenon but I've noticed a steady pattern in my Stat Counter of people finding me while looking for info on "eye boogers". And these aren't just people who are wanting to know where they come from, these are evidently people with serious conditions! I'm finding a lot of searches for "lots of eye boogers coming out," "eye boogers won't go away," "how to get rid of eye boogers", "eye boogers all day long," and my personal favorite, "eye boogers - why?". I'm sorry I can't help you poor, poor folks. I just write about figurative eye boogers, not literal ones. But I would suggest seeing a doctor. Or watch that video of Paris Hilton singing a few times and you'll pray for eye boogers to completely cloud your vision forever.

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Kevin Who Makes Me Miss Kevin Covais

I thought I could get through life without a post about Kevin Federline. (The Poo Poo Yow video doesn't count as a post.) I was wrong. I thought if I ignored him, he would go away. So much for what one woman can do. Fine. I can't fight it anymore. The guy is much too big of a jackass to not talk about.

So, it seems that Mr. Spears is in big trouble with Thomas Dolby. Following in the footsteps of the Godfather of Soulless White-Boy Rap, Vanilla Ice, K-Fed has decided to jack someone else's music without permission. Here is what Dolby had to say on his website:

"Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline, whom I’d never heard of until a few days ago, appears to have illegally sampled one of my compositions. On his MySpace site you can download an MP3 which uses a looped sample from Mobb Deep’s ‘Get It Twisted’, which in turn copped the string line from my own song ‘She Blinded Me With Science.’ Now, Mobb Deep did it the right way and had his label BMG come and ask for a license. They paid me a fee and a royalty on the sales of Mobb Deep’s record. However K-Fed, as his fans affectionately refer to him, did NOT ask permission, he just went ahead and did it. He is therefore blatantly violating the copyright law. And laws aside, he owed it to me as an artist to ask if I minded that he recorded a vitriolic rap over the top of my music. It starts off ‘This is for the HATERS...’ and goes on to blast the media, paparrazzi and all his other critics, sparing no expletives along the way. BMG Records have also had their copyright violated, as they own the master to Mobb Deep’s record. But BMG don’t want to rock the Britney boat so they are turning a blind eye. It’s pathetic! Turns out K-Fed has no management, label or lawyer, so it’s going to be hard getting hold of him. So K-Fed, if you’re reading this, I’m asking you nicely to take the track down ASAP. Or maybe you’d prefer me to come after some of your wife’s ill-gotten gains?"

Oooooh.....burn! He blinded you with copyright law, foo! And dissed your baby's momma while he was at it. Get used to that.

Just a few things:

1. Speaking of "poetry in motion"....has anyone heard the song in question? He must've taken it down already. I checked his MySpace site and it's gone, but luckily there is another song for everyone's enjoyment. It's called "America's Most Hated," and is basically a narcissistic romp through K-Fed's life, now that he's embraced being the black sheep of the music business. Instead of putting some effort into actually finding some talent and making something worthwhile, he's just decided to use the fact that he's a hack as a gimmick. He seems awfully proud that while other artists are out there working their asses off, hoping for a break, all he had to do was knock some bimbo up and *poof* instant celebrity. Too bad his rhymes aren't as potent as his sperm. Quite simply, the boy can't rap. Apparently he thinks that all he needs to do is repeat his name a lot, swear and make lame-ass chit-chat in between verses about how he likes to get drunk. Screw any kind of storyline. I mean, the guy rhymed Federline with Pepperdine. If it's that easy, hell, I'll write a song for him.

I met a ho named Britney
We got down in a jitney
She got up on me like she was climbing up Mount Whitney

Nine months later
She popped out a tater
My boy ain't gonna grow up to be no playa hater

Yo, they call me Mister Spears
On Christmas and New Year's
I like to go to the Tangiers and movie premieres
I ain't wet behind the ears and yo, I buy all my clothes from Sears


Really...it's as good as anything as he could slap together.

2. I love that this human waste in low-slung jeans wrote a song for "all the haters." The majority of the music-listening public must be wrong, right? K-Fed really is a blinding ray of talent and we're just all haters. Or maybe the song isn't really directed at us. Maybe it's a love song, dedicated to his fans...the haters of good music. That makes sense.

3. K-Fed has no manager, label or lawyer? Get out!! Man, I thought all the big-wigs would be chomping at the bit to sign him up. I wonder if he has a publicist? Could I be so lucky as to land him as a client? My life would finally have meaning.


Quick! What rhymes with "sperminator"?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Pulled From The Barren Landscape of What Was Once Music Television: Two Gems

I've complained before about the lack of videos on channels that were created for the sole purpose of airing videos. Most of the time, if I want to see any vids I have to check them out online. (Hooray for You Tube...even if the quality of some of the videos isn't always the best.) However, I managed to catch some videos on VH1 the other night, and while most of them made my eyes glaze over (like the new Bo Bice video which is kind of a modified version of the Bon Jovi, "It's My Life" clip), there were two that I really enjoyed...

Pink - Stupid Girls
I've always liked Pink because she's not the standard bimbette that Top 40/MTV likes to shove down our throats. But I like her even more now because she's taken aim at said bimbettes with this song and video that totally lambasts the current teen-pop sensations, as well as the airheads who walk the streets with the rest of us normals on a daily basis. The video is pretty funny, with Pink doing spot-on imitations of Jessica Simpson in her car-washin' boots and Lindsay Lohan speeding down the highway, chugging latte and plowing into pedestrians. The lyrics to the song are great, too, with a theme that can be pretty much summed up by a line in the chorus: Maybe if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back/Push up my bra like that/I don't wanna be a stupid girl. It's sad to think though that a lot of the same girls who love this song are also the very girls that she's singing about. They just don't pay attention to the lyrics. Well, what can we expect? They're stupid!

Prince - Black Sweat
Oh, Prince. How I love that shorty. I haven't been super-jazzed about much of his recent stuff, but I heard this song for the first time this morning and I am HOOKED. It sounds like old-school Prince, all done in that falsetto that I love. The video is nothing fancy, but still cool. It almost reminds me of the video for "Kiss", because it's just Prince kind of strutting around, singing and making doe eyes while some scantily-clad chick dances around him. The chick here is Tamar, Prince's newest protege. This guy has more proteges than Mazda. I like Tamar...she's not the typical, rail-thin video vixen. She's got a little junk in the trunk and some muscular legs. She might be a tiny bit thick through the middle. You know, she's a NORMAL girl. And the woman can dance. I'm not sure how a black sweat differs from a white sweat, but I'm starting to think the power of dance is within the black sweat. Because I was dancing around at my friend's gig last night and definitely sweating, but if anyone happened to capture my "dancing" on tape, it would probably end up on America's Funniest Home Videos rather than VH1. I'm not as bad as Elaine from Seinfeld. I can at least stay on the beat. Maybe I just need Prince to take me under his little wing.

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine