Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Since I'm moving to Brooklyn, I was hoping to find a classic video that would fit that theme. Unfortunately, The Beastie Boys never made a vid for "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn." There is no video for Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" either. I really couldn't think of anything else, so I opted for "Move This" by Technotronic and Ya Kid K. Now I will be singing this infernal song all day. I just sat and had an argument with myself over whether or not this was the song from the Cindy Crawford Revlon commercials. After about 20 minutes, I decided that was "Shake That Body." Then, after some research, I discovered that there is no such song as "Shake That Body," and that it's just a line from "Move This." Sigh. It's hardly my fault. All of their songs are essentially the same, so why did I even strain myself trying to figure this crap out?

Come on everyone, get up, get up and shake this. Rock that, get down, move that jam and pump up ya body. Or whatever.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Armed & Famous Gets The Chair - That this crappy show got axed after only four episodes is really neither fascinating nor surprising. I'm just including it here because I forgot to mention when it first aired that I kind of had the idea for this first. (Just like the American Idol songwriting show that may or may not be in the works.) My idea was obviously a ridiculous joke, yet some group of programming monkeys thought the premise would really work. I guess Armed & Famous is really a combination of two of my ideas: CSI: Hollywood and Law & Order: Former Child Stars Unit. You can check out my original post here.

Tyra's Finally Normal in The Real World, But Fat in Hers - Tyra Banks recently announced that she's beefed up a bit since her modeling heyday, when she weighed 130 pounds. She now weighs in at 161 and, according to the tabloids, that's roughly the size of a barn. It's pretty simple to look up an ideal weight chart online and, according to most sources, a normal weight for a 5'10" woman is between 140-170 lbs. So once again, the entertainment industry drives home the point that underfed and unhealthy is sexy, while normal and healthy is disgusting.

YouTube Shares The Wealth - Internet sensation YouTube just got a lot more sensational. Beginning later this year, the site will start sharing ad revenue with folks like you and me who contribute video content. You just know that all those idiots out there who post videos of their drunken cousins singing 'N Sync songs in their backyards and their friends re-enacting episodes of The Office truly believe that they'll never have to work again.

Sorry kids, this is a short edition of "Eye Boogers" this week. I'm in the middle of moving and only have time for a quick post. Bye bye, Jersey, I won't miss ya. Brooklyn, here I come.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Flashback Friday

Welcome to 1984, Dudes!
I know what you're all thinking. Ooh, "Flashback Friday?" Could this be another recurring topic? Sure. Could be. As long as I can remember to keep it up!

Let's set the mood for this one. C'mon, sing along. Ohhhh! Uhh. Shamon. Do you remember the time...when Jacko caught on fire...do you remember the time...

Yes, it was on this day (January 26) in 1984 that Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with second degree burns to his scalp. During the filming of a Pepsi commercial with his brothers, a loose spark from all the pyrotechnics jumped up and bit Michael on the head. I'm sure everyone remembers the video of him being wheeled into the ambulance, shrouded in a sheet, waving to people with his spangled glove. We all adored him. Who knew back then that he actually "Beat It" to kiddie porn?

I love this, from the original news story: "Plastic surgeon Steven Hoeffin said Jackson, who was voted America's entertainer of the year, could need surgery to his head."

Oh, how right Dr. Hoeffin was. Except that plastic was not the kind of surgery Michael needed. Unfortunately, it was the only kind he wanted. He got it for his head, yes, but only the front...that freakish slab of flesh that used to be his face.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Star-Studded Video Quiz Answers

Well, not that many of you even attempted this one so I don't know how in demand these answers are. Whatever, I'll post 'em anyway. I thought this would be kind of a fun one. No? Was I wrong?



A. Kim Basinger
B. Milton Berle
C. Chevy Chase
D. Jennifer Connelly
E. Courteney Cox
F. Claire Danes
G. Rebecca DeMornay
H. Johnny Depp
I. Shannen Doherty
J. Kirsten Dunst
K. Sarah Michelle Gellar
L. John Goodman
M. Rob Lowe
N. John Malkovich
O. Gwyneth Paltrow
P. Dennis Quaid
Q. Keanu Reeves
R. Keri Russell
S. Christopher Walken
T. Robin Williams

5. "Mary Jane's Last Dance," Tom Petty
9. "Round and Round," Ratt
13. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon
2. "I Drove All Night," Roy Orbison
20. "Long December," Counting Crows
16. "Just Like Anyone," Soul Asylum
18. "Sara," Jefferson Starship
1. "It's A Shame About Ray," The Lemonheads
10. "Real Love," Slaughter
7. "I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden
14. "Sour Girl," Stone Temple Pilots
4. "Wild Wild Life," Talking Heads
3. "Turn To You," The Go-Go's
17. "Walking on Broken Glass," Annie Lennox
19. "I Wanna Come Over," Melissa Etheridge
11. "Thing Called Love," Bonnie Raitt
8. "Rush Rush," Paula Abdul
6. "Always," Bon Jovi
15. "Weapon of Choice," Fatboy Slim
12. "Don't Worry, Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin


Have fun YouTubing!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

K-Fed Not Even Welcome at Mc-Dees or B-King

Since I'm on kind of a K-Fed roll this week, I will continue to play right into this moron's hands by giving him even more attention.

Remember that Nationwide commercial I said he would be starring in? Well, it seems that there is no special interest group that can't be offended by advertising. The NRA (no, not that one, the National Restaurant Association) is objecting to the insurance company's depiction of K-Fed working in a fast food joint as a fall from grace. I wonder if these restaurant big-wigs would be as upset if the commercial featured anyone but The Sperminator? I think it's 60% him and 40% humorless, PC jackassery.

My favorite quote from the above linked story comes from the President of the NRA, the very un-CharltonHestonlike Steven Anderson, who claims that the ad "would give the impression that working in a restaurant is demeaning and unpleasant." I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Steve-O never really worked in the trenches. If he ever did, then he's been a suit for so long that he's forgotten what it was like to wear an apron. As someone who has tons of restaurant experience, in a variety of roles, I can attest to the fact that it is demeaning. The way other people look down on workers in the service industry makes it that way. The work is not always unpleasant. In fact, I sometimes miss waitressing. Still, it's certainly a lot more taxing than sitting at a desk playing solitaire and shuffling papers around. And when you find out that Solitaire Guy makes double the measly pay you're busting your ass for, that's when you realize that it's time to get on a new career path.

Although I've never worked in fast food, I don't think I need the experience to appreciate what it might be like. I've no doubt that it sucks. A few weeks ago, I saw a guy outside Checkers (awesome fries) standing about 15 feet from the entrance, hitting up people coming out of the drive-thru for money. Here's a guy who would rather stand outside in the cold and beg than just turn, walk through the door, and ask for work. When even panhandlers look down on a job, you know it's gotta be bad.

Anyway, random Restaurant Association guy, forget K-Fed. He can't hurt you. The greatest ambassador of fast food is worshipped by your target audience. That's right, Spongebob has made it cool to wield a spatula and work for pennies a day. It's just too bad that, in real life, most people working at these joints are a lot more like Squidward.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week, I'm killing two birds with one stone by posting a video that is also an answer to one of the previous quiz's questions. That's just how I roll.

Behold a Go-Go's rarity; the video for "Turn To You," featuring a cameo by a young Rob Lowe. Trivia fans might remember that the hottest Brat Packer used to date Go-Go's bassist, Kathy Valentine, back in the day.

Isn't it completely unfair that Rob pretty much looks the same now, except for a less-'80s 'do? Damn men...always aging so well. Then again, I guess I shouldn't complain. More eye candy for us gals.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Star-Studded Video Quiz

Ok, videophiles...I've got a quiz lined up just for you. The difficulty level depends on how many hours of your life you've wasted and/or still waste watching MTV, VH-1 and YouTube. If you're a mindless video drone, you'll clean up. If you like spending most of your free time doing something crazy like reading books, you'll be lost.

This is just simple matching. Match the actor/actress, from the left, to the video he/she appeared in, on the right. There are some celebs on the list who have appeared in more than one video, but there aren't any trick questions here. Only one person will match up with each vid. (Ex: We all remember Courteney Cox trying to dance in the dark with Bruce Springsteen but, as you can see, that video is not one of the choices.)

And away we go. No googling or You-Tubing, please. Let's keep it clean.



A. Kim Basinger
B. Milton Berle
C. Chevy Chase
D. Jennifer Connelly
E. Courteney Cox
F. Claire Danes
G. Rebecca DeMornay
H. Johnny Depp
I. Shannen Doherty
J. Kirsten Dunst
K. Sarah Michelle Gellar
L. John Goodman
M. Rob Lowe
N. John Malkovich
O. Gwyneth Paltrow
P. Dennis Quaid
Q. Keanu Reeves
R. Keri Russell
S. Christopher Walken
T. Robin Williams

1. "It's A Shame About Ray," The Lemonheads
2. "I Drove All Night," Roy Orbison
3. "Turn To You," The Go-Go's
4. "Wild Wild Life," Talking Heads
5. "Mary Jane's Last Dance," Tom Petty
6. "Always," Bon Jovi
7. "I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden
8. "Rush Rush," Paula Abdul
9. "Round and Round," Ratt
10. "Real Love," Slaughter
11. "Thing Called Love," Bonnie Raitt
12. "Don't Worry, Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin
13. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon
14. "Sour Girl," Stone Temple Pilots
15. "Weapon of Choice," Fatboy Slim
16. "Just Like Anyone," Soul Asylum
17. "Walking on Broken Glass," Annie Lennox
18. "Sara," Jefferson Starship
19. "I Wanna Come Over," Melissa Etheridge
20. "Long December," Counting Crows


I'll post the answers sometime next week...

Friday, January 19, 2007

And The Belated Golden Globe for Best Performance as a Used-Up Crack Whore Goes To...

Hi everyone. This is Lindsay, and she's an alcoholic...er, drug addict. Bulimic? Party animal freak? Whatever, she's in rehab. Shocking, isn't it?

Li-Lo's reasons for entering the program haven't been disclosed. But hey, it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or a rock scientist, if you're Tara Reid) to formulate a pretty good hypothesis about why she's there. I can pretty much guarantee you that it's not for caffeine addiction.

Lindsay's publicist spent a good 5 minutes at the computer yesterday updating the "Drug_Addict_Blank_Template.doc" to issue this statement on Lohan's behalf: "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." Proactive? Excuse me, but I think at this point the choice was decidedly reactive. Or is that a slick way of saying that the Proactiv big-wigs threatened to drop her as a spokesperson if she didn't kick her habit(s)?

I do so love when a little pop tart, who can't breathe if the camera isn't on her, suddenly begs everyone for "privacy" when her life becomes a mess. Sorry, it's not gonna happen, Linz. Your various addictions are much more interesting than your pantiless escapades with the Dumb Blonde Brigade. That's life.

One of these addictions, according to the New York Daily News, is what Robert Palmer was talking 'bout back in the '80s. Sources (aka "they") claim that Lindsay has been ga-ga over James Franco and that his rejection of her sent her over the edge. Now usually, I'll believe anything I read in the Daily News. I mean, that shit is gospel. But, I still think that Li-Lo's decision to go to L.A.'s Wonderland Center had less to do with guys and more to do with dolls. Valleys of 'em. Mountains of coke and rivers of vodka, too.

Apparently, FOX is sponsoring Lindsay's 12 Steps. Either that, or for some reason it's news that she's been watching American Idol while in recovery. Like anyone cares. But since I brought it up, that's really such a bad idea. Rehab centers should not allow patients to watch AI. That show is more addictive than heroin. You know, they should actually create some sort of Reality TV Addict's Treatment Center. I'd definitely go. And if I do, I hope you'll all respect my privacy.


Oh, and by the way, Lindsay, if James Franco doesn't want you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, I think I have the perfect guy for you! He's newly single, just as hilarious (if not more so) as those talentless idiots auditioning for Idol and probably loves crack too. I mean, he must. That's the only possible explanation.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I Think We Could All Use Some Vitamin K

For those of you who thought (and feared!) that our beloved K-Fed might be slipping completely off the radar, never fear. A new commerical is here.

The Sperminator will soon star in one of those "Life Comes at You Fast" ads for Nationwide Insurance, which mocks his inexplicable rise to celeb status, followed by the inevitable plummet back to the trailer park. It's kind of in the same vein as Nationwide's commercial with MC Hammer, but the big difference here is that most of us had already seen Hammer's Behind the Music episode and actually felt bad for the guy. I doubt anyone is shedding any tears for K-Fed. Well, except maybe K-Fed.

I love the standard line the Nationwide ad exec comes up with: "Our partnership with Kevin shows the world that he has a great sense of humor." Or it shows the world that he needs money. Or it shows the world that he has no shame. Or it shows the world that he's a talentless parasite who refuses to disappear from the public eye without a humiliating fight.

What could be next for our dirty white boy? I imagine he'll take up residence in the next Surreal Life house and after that he'll appear as a judge on some lame-ass reality contest. I'm surprised he hasn't already shown up on VH-1's The White Rapper Show. I think those rappers might actually know how to rap, though. Perhaps after sitting through more bad American Idol auditions this year, Simon Cowell will create America's Got NO Talent, thus providing the perfect K-Fed vehicle.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

On my holiday trip back to the 'Burgh, I not only got to spend some quality time with the family, but with VH-1 Classic. (My Dad has it. Just one of the many reasons that my Dad kicks ass.)

During one VH-1 veg-out session, I was delighted to finally see the video for Nena's "Just A Dream" again. Delighted because I've started to think over the years that Nena never really had a follow-up semi-hit to "99 Luftballoons" and that it may have all been just...a...dream. Oddly enough, I could never remember how the song went, but vividly remembered almost everything about the video. Especially the lip gloss-wearing, Nick Rhodes wannabe keyboard player. And I thought Nena showed her hairy pits, but upon further review, I'm mistaken. Trust me though, the girl didn't have a razor. And ok, so her name wasn't really Nena (that was the band), but it was like Katerina Von Glupschkleckklugen or something equally crazy and German, so I'll just continue to call her Nena.

See if y'all remember this one...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Jessica Simpson Pours Herself a Cup of Ambition, Takes a Sip and Burns Her Tongue - You might think that anything involving the word "honors" would be bimbo-free. However, in the case of the Kennedy Center Honors this year, you would be wrong. Somehow, Jessica Simpson got herself invited to sing as part of a tribute to Dolly Parton. Apparently she's a big fan. I'm sorry, I'm a huge Pearl Jam fan, but I doubt I'll be asked to perform at their Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony - even though I'd probably do a better job than Jess did at Dolly's party. While trying to sing (see, she's already at a disadvantage) the classic, "9 to 5," ol' Simpy flubbed several lines and performed with all the heart and enthusiasm as one of the automatons from Disney's Hall of Presidents. Later, she claimed she was nervous. Not good enough? Her adoration of Dolly made her super-emotional. No? Still no good? Oh, well then it was her strapless dress. That was giving her problems. How's that? I don't know, maybe it's just because she's never had a real job and didn't understand the concept of the song. Or maybe her band started playing the wrong number. Woops, wait...wrong sister. Whatever the reason, Jess was given a 2nd chance to tape the song after the show was over and reportedly still sucked. She's since asked that the performance be removed from the telecast because she doesn't feel that it's good enough. Well, that's the first bright idea the girl's ever had. Why stop there? On those grounds, can't we have all of her songs, videos, live shows, interviews and movie performances stricken from public record? And can she just go work at Hooters where she belongs?

Donald, Rosie and Barbara are The Richest, Most Successful Fifth Graders on Earth - Omigod. Like, okay, you guys weren't on the bus yesterday and you totally missed it. Well, like, you know how Donny and Rosie totally hate each other now, right? Ok, so like Donny passed Barbie a note that says like, I know you hate Rosie too so why did you diss me the other day when I said hi to you in the hall? And why did you tell everyone you hated me 'cause I was being mean to her and she's like your BFF? If that's true, then, like why did you come over my house that night to watch "One Tree Hill" and make out with me? So Rosie grabbed the note and read it and she's all "eww, whatever" and Barb is just like, "you know he's lying," and then Donny's all, "I don't even care what you think anymore, you're both pigs." Dude, it was so funny.

Li-Lo and Her Stitches - After Lindsay Lohan had an emergency appendectomy last week, blood tests revealed that her liver is taking quite a beating. If anyone hasn't heard, the gal likes to drink. The doctors warned her that she's jeopardizing her health, but you know how doctors are. They just like to scare people. She's young. She's having fun. What's wrong with that? Come on, it's not like she's gonna die. I mean, she could just buy a new liver tomorrow if she really needed one.

James Brown, Russian Dictator? - I don't quite get the reasoning behind giving James Brown the Stalin treatment; displaying his dead body in a glass case like a damn stuffed pheasant. Who wants to see that on every other TV channel? He must have the craziest fans. There was really no shortage of crazy in the guy's life, it seems. From his nut job widow (pending further investigation) to rumors of sexual harassment and rape to a fan shoot-out stemming from a disagreement over Brown's height...he was pretty much a walking, gyrating Jerry Springer episode.

More Celebrity Couples Call it Quits - Let's heave a collective shocked sigh for the latest victims:
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake - Rumor has it Cameron was upset because Justin gave Scarlett Johanson a dick in a box for Christmas.
Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson - Reportedly, Kate got tired of Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller constantly showing up at their place unannounced.
Drew Barrymore and The Strokes' Fabrizio Blahblahbatti - Supposedly, he found out that she's a closet Jet fan and she found out that he prefers Alf to E.T..
Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady - No surprise. Who isn't sick of Mr. Pretty and the Patriots?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

NEXT: Filling The Void Left by Beavis and Butthead

Even if you have the most highbrow sense of humor, there is bound to be something completely juvenile that you find amusing. People falling down. Farts. Just the word "fart." Little kids cussing. Incessant double entendres. MySpace. Beavis and Butthead. Admit it.

Here, I'll make you all feel a little better...I think all of the above are funny. Beavis and Butthead kind of took the cake though, because it incorporated all of those so-dumb-it's-funny elements plus a lot more. I watched it religiously, and I miss it. Since its departure from the boob tube (huh huh...I said "boob"), there really hasn't been anything else that stupid yet still that entertaining. I've found a contender, though. I give you Next.

Not surprisingly, Next is another MTV creation. It's been around for a while now, but I've only recently started watching it on a semi-regular basis. It didn't appeal to me immediately, but it's since become a fun diversion when I just feel like turning my brain off. I wouldn't say I'm a "fan" of the show, and I don't actively look for it, but since it's on 75% of the time I flip on MTV, the chances of finding an episode are usually good.

If any of you are unfamiliar with this program, it's a dating show which features one guy or gal ("the Nexter")and five potential daters. All the daters are sequestered on a bus and, one by one, they each get a chance to meet the Nexter. If the Nexter doesn't like someone, he/she "nexts" that person and gets to meet the next victim/dater. Whenever the Nexter finds a dater that he/she likes, an offer is made for a second date. Each dater earns $1 for each minute spent on the date, so the dater who "wins" can either agree to a second date with the Nexter or take the money and run.

The action on the show isn't really what's so funny about it. I just find it hilarious because I have no doubt that MTV's target audience finds this show utterly believable. I'm sure that these kids watching at home honestly think that this is reality TV. In a way, it really is, considering that reality TV has become more scripted than most sitcoms. I get such a kick out of watching these cookie-cutter camera whores go through the motions of "real dating" while robotically reciting infantile pick-up lines and disses. (I wonder how much a Next diss writer earns? Hmmm...a job opp for me to ponder.)

The staged dating situations alone are good enough for a laugh, because they're just plum ridiculous. They're always so random, like spending the day volunteering at the zoo or learning how to make ice sculptures or building a fallout shelter. Apparently, dinner and a movie is passe.

If you've never watched the show, I'll give you an example of a typical episode and then you can decide if it's for you or not. I'm not quoting directly from any one installment because the whole series just relies on a basic template that gets updated from time to time. However, I wouldn't be surprised if some of this dialogue actually did or will occur. If it has, it's unintentional and purely coincidental, yadda yadda, don't sue me.

Intro
Nexter: **Smiling much too broadly** Hi! I'm Chad. I'm 21 and I'm a waiter and a musician. I need a girl who doesn't mind waiting on me once in a while and is strong enough to carry my amps to some gigs. I like a girl who can rock and roll all night and beg for an encore. I hate fake girls. If any of these chicks wears more makeup than Gene Simmons, they'll hear, "Next!"

Dater 1: I'm Tammy, I'm 19 and always horny. If this guy Nexts me, he must be gay. **makes limp wristed motion**
Dater 2: I'm Alicia, I'm 21 and I work at Hooters. The bitches on this bus better not get too close to me, or someone might lose an eye. **shakes fake boobs*
Dater 3: I'm Jasmine, I'm 18 and even though I'm legal, most of my dates end up with me in handcuffs. **wink**
Dater 4: I'm Summer, I'm 20 and I'm in nursing school. This guy's gonna need a doctor when he sees how hot I am. **feels forehead with back of hand**
Dater 5: I'm Astrid, I'm 21 and I'm getting picked 'cause, well, **fake laugh, hip swivel, points to bare midriff** just look at me!

Daters sit on the bus and make idle chit-chat and some catty remarks all while laughing for no reason. They compare dating notes and each explains why they will be picked. Someone makes a complete ass out of herself demonstrating a worthless talent or divulging TMI.

First Date
**Dater walks off the bus. Freeze frame on her while a bubble pops up with three pointless factoids about her, like how she can touch her nose with her big toe and that she is addicted to Gummi Bears. This happens with every dater, so I won't keep repeating it.**

Tammy: "Time to get my groove on."
Chad: "Uhhhhh....next!"
Tammy: **Disgusted look** "Whatever dude. Have fun with your hand tonight, loser." **Walks back to bus**

Post-Date Interlude
Chad: That girl's nose was so pimply, I wouldn't touch it with my big toe.
Tammy: I'm glad I didn't wait all day for that piece of *bleep*. Chad, you can lick my *bleeping bleep*."

Date Switch Routine
Dater gets back on the bus. Everyone laughs and asks what happened. Dater makes some lame remark and tells the next girl it's her turn. Next girl says something like, "Bye, bitches," "I got this," "He won't next me," or "I don't care what this guy is like, I'm getting that money."

Second Date
Alicia: "I bet this guy can't wait to meet me and the girls."
Chad: **Looking at boobs like a deer in headlights** "Heyyyyy, how are you? I'm Chad."
Alicia: "Hi, I'm Alicia. So, what are we doing today?"
Chad: "Well, I'm a musician so I've decided to teach you how to play guitar while we sit on the edge of this active volcano."
Alicia: "Sounds great! Let's do it."

Alicia and Chad sit on the edge of the volcano making small talk littered with sexual innuendo. He tries in vain to teach her anything about the guitar, but she is worried about breaking a nail.

Chad: "Alicia, you've got a great rack but you can't rock. I'm gonna have to say, 'Next!'"
Alicia: **Makes annoying 'tsk' noise** "You can't rock either, so why don't you just roll over and die, *bleeper*? **Walks all the way down the volcano to the bus**

Post-Date Interlude
Chad: "That chick was way too high maintenance for me. I wait on people all day long, so I'm not catering to her on my day off!"
Alicia: "What a *bleep*. He needs to learn how to play guitar himself before he can teach anyone else. *Bleeping bleep*."

Repeat Date Switch Routine

Third Date
Jasmine: "I'm gonna rock this guy's world."
Chad: **Visibly pleased** "Hi, I'm Chad."
Jasmine: "I'm Jasmine. Wow, this volcano is really cool."
Chad: "Actually, it's really hot, like you. Better be careful 'cause it might erupt when you sit on it."
Jasmine: "Well, I'm hotter than lava, so I'm not scared."
Chad: "Ooh, alright. **Grins like an idiot** Well let's get started. Have you ever played guitar?"
Jasmine: "No, but I can't wait to get my hands on your instrument."

Nauseatingly contrived conversation continues. Jasmine unconvincingly plucks the strings a few times. Chad seems pleased for some reason. Guitar lesson ends and the picnic basket emerges. The two have lunch while sharing more badly disguised sex talk. Chad points out that Jasmine has whipped cream on her face, which she suggests he lick off. He gladly complies, thus igniting a minor make-out session.

Chad: "Jasmine, I had a great time on our date. You're hot, you can rock and you're a great kisser. You've been on this date for 93 minutes, so you can either take the $93 or go on a second date with me. What's it gonna be?"

A few scenes from the day replay, signifying Jasmine's thought process.

Jasmine: "Well, Chad, $93 is a lot of money.**Dramatic pause** But I think we can really make beautiful music together, so I'll take the second date."
Chad: "Kick-ass!" **Sticks out tongue and makes devil-horn symbol**

Hugging, kissing and groping ensue.

End of Show
Montage of happy couple. Cut back to the bus where the other 4 daters have banded together to deliver the final line, skewering the Nexter, the winner or both.

Tammy, Alicia, Summer & Astrid: "Hey, Chad! We wrote a song about you. It's called 'Don't Give Up Your Day Job'!"


Wow, I'm spent. I hope you all appreciated that. Writing one of these shows is actually tougher than I thought. I've been out of 6th grade for, like, 23 years. It's hard to return to that mindset.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week I give you "Love Will Find a Way" by Yes. I was hunting around on YouTube for something else entirely and I found this instead, a vid that I haven't seen in ages.

I was never a giant Yes fan during their "prog-rock" heyday. That's just not my bag. I wasn't a huge fan in the '80s either, but their music became a lot more accessible to me. I certainly liked 90125, as did everyone, but none of their follow-up records really grabbed me. I think I bought the Big Generator album, which this song is from, and I recall not being all that thrilled with it aside from this and maybe one or two other songs. I was always willing to give them a chance though because I had a monster crush on Trevor Rabin. I vividly remember when this video first came out, studying the screen to figure out if he was wearing a wedding ring. (As if I had any chance.) To me, he always looked like the older, wiser brother Richie Sambora never had. Maybe even cuter. Hell yes, look at that mullet!



When's the last time you saw an accordion and a keytar in the same video? That's fantastic!

By the way, is it just me or does Jon Anderson look kind of like Farrah Fawcett here? The resemblance is a bit...unsettling.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Tell Me About It, Stud. On Second Thought, Don't Bother.

Yet another new TV show has me caught between "refusing to watch out of disgust" and "morbid curiosity." I'm talking about the latest American Idol/So You Think You Can Dance knock-off, Grease: You're The One That I Want. For those who haven't heard of it, it's a talent show series designed to find the stars of the new revival of "Grease" on Broadway.

Here's my deal. I realize that the play came first, but I've always been a fan of the movie. In fact, it's my favorite movie. I have no idea how many times I've seen it, but the number is definitely somewhere in the triple digits. I suppose a big part of the reason that the movie always appealed to me more than the play was the presence of John Travolta. For me, and probably for a lot of people, Danny Zuko = John Travolta. Call me an uncultured slob if you will, but the play just never really did it for me. I've seen it twice (never on Broadway) and while it was entertaining, it never quite won me over.

I could be wrong here, because my memory of my first time seeing the play is a bit hazy, but I'm fairly certain that the popularity of the movie has rubbed off on the play in the last few decades. I'm pretty sure that some songs that were written for the movie were incorporated into the stage production. Also, I remember the first time I saw it, thinking that the characters were kind of rough, especially the guys. They were jerks which, from what I understand, was what the writers wanted. They wanted the T-Birds to be more like real high school toughs, and were never really happy with the cuter, goofier T-Birds of the movie. The second time I saw the play, it seemed that the T-Birds were a little more likable. It seemed a little more like the movie overall. I don't doubt this is true. I certainly don't doubt that the newest revival will borrow even more from the movie, if the producers expect to attract and please the younger generation who have never seen the play and grew up solely on the movie. Or even the easily entertained generation who loved Grease 2. Ugh.

This all brings me to why I don't want to watch the reality show. I don't want to see a bunch of John Travolta wannabes prancing around the stage. Nothing could make me more sick.

However, I love the songs. And I am kind of interested to see if there are performers out there who will actually try to make these roles their own, and not just imitations of John and Olivia and Stockard, oh my! So, I'm not sure if I can avoid it forever. I'm just afraid that I'll watch it and it will be worse than I thought. I suppose if that happens, I could just disinfect my eyes by watching the movie 10 times in a row.

The show premiered last night on NBC. Did anyone watch? What are your thoughts? I just read that Olivia Newton-John is guest starring on the first two episodes. Damn, damn, damn!! Now I'll probably have to watch it next week. I guess there's always a chance that John could pop up, but it's doubtful. Still, the mere possibility...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

It's back, kids! First video of the year belongs to a smashing duo, Fiona & Kip Winger with "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)." This is for my best friend Angela. Here it is, Ang. Happy? Good. Now shut up. :)

I still have this cassette single somewhere in the depths of my music collection. I never really got the appeal of Fiona, although I will admit to wanting to be her for as long as it took her to shoot this video. Anything to rub up against Kip. I'm sure some of you guys will enjoy watching Fiona, but this one is really for the ladies. Thrill to the teeth, the hair (head and chest) and the lithe, ballet-riffic moves of '80s hunk (of cheese and hotness), Kip Winger.

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine