C'mon, Glenn...50 isn't that bad.
Happy Birthday to the fabulous Glenn Tilbrook, who turns 50 today! Just 10 years ago, I probably thought that 50 was ancient, but now I've come to the realization that it's just a number...and one that I will hit sooner than I'd like. Well, to hell with numbers and wrinkles and ageists (oh my)! Glenn will remain forever young, thanks to his boundless energy, baby face, and sublime, angelic voice. As a brilliant YouTube commenter recently put it, Tilbrook is one tasty biscuit.
Hey Glenn, since I forgot to wish you a Happy Birthday in advance when we met earlier this month, I am going to have to request a do-over. I know you're in the middle of a tour and all, but this is important.
Now, in lieu of the "forgotten classic" video this week, I'm posting a just-plain-forgotten Squeeze vid that will both honor Glenn's big day and help us all usher out the summer. I just discovered that someone recently posted this to YouTube and, now that I've finally stopped squealing with delight, I think I'm stable enough to post it here. Not only is "Footprints" one of my favorite Squeeze songs, but the video was filmed on one of Glenn's best hair days ever. It's also proof that snow can actually be smoking hot. Hard to believe this came out 20 years ago.
Friday, August 31, 2007
C'mon, Glenn...50 isn't that bad.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Shelly, who obviously didn't offer up a picture of herself when she offered herself up for some of my gentle probing, is the first in my upcoming series of blogger interviews. Click here for some chit-chat about crazy kids, classic rock, and whistling sphincters.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
When I heard that Splotchy was whoring out himself as an interviewer, I pulled right up to the curb with a big wad of blog bucks. Apparently, I had just enough for 5 very pleasurable questions which were just begging to be answered.
1. As a resident of Brooklyn, how often do you find yourself taking in the sights, sounds and smells of Coney Island?
It's only a 20 minute train ride, so I've actually gone to Coney Island several times this summer for various reasons. The main reason is that Coney Island as we know it will be no more after this season, because Astroland is being torn down to make room for a giant resort that no one in the area will be able to afford. The other reason is that I love the combined smell of salt, hot dogs and urine.
2. Can you name a movie that scared the bejeebus out of you?
I don't know if this counts, but I refuse to watch Jaws because I absolutely hate sharks and the idea of being eaten by one makes me want to vomit. As far as traditionally "scary" flicks go, a lot of stupid movies scared me when I was a kid. I particularly remember being scared to death after seeing Amityville Horror II, because the demon talked to a kid through his headphones. I remember not wanting to use my headphones anymore after that. Since I've grown up though, I'm a bit harder to scare and movies today seem to favor style and effects over substance. The last movie that actually kind of creeped me out was White Noise, but I still didn't lose any sleep over it. I find that Discovery program, A Haunting much scarier than most of the wannabe horror flicks.
3. While perusing your archives, I was genuinely shocked to learn character actor Stephen Geoffreys worked in gay porn films. So... there's Screech from Saved By The Bell, and there's that kid who licked the frozen pole in Christmas Story, and now Stephen Geoffreys dabbling in the erotic arts... Seeing as you are a pop culture expert, please wager a guess as to what actor will next make the leap to "adult" entertainment.
It's my expert opinion that Jonathan Lipnicki will be starring in films like The Horniest Vampire and Stu Art Big any day now. (Sorry, couldn't think of a porn take on Jerry Maguire.) I mean, he was a really cute kid when he was little, but look at him now. Not so cute. Same thing happened with Macauley Culkin, but he just got weird. Then there was Haley Joel Osment, who staggered down the road to DUIs and depression. So, I'm thinking that the third kid's the charm. And look at him in that picture. What's he wearing, a fur collar? He's already gone blue, we just don't know about it yet. (No idea who the hobbit on the left is, but he could be the Reed Rothchild to Lipnicki's Dirk Diggler.)
4. I gather that you lived in Pittsburgh, PA for a spell, then picked up stakes to move to New Yawk. What is something you miss about Pittsburgh (excluding friends and family)? What is something you are glad to leave behind?
If by "a spell," you mean "all my life," then you gathered correctly. Pittsburgh was and always will be my home. I definitely miss being in a city of a smaller size. New York City can really turn one into a misanthrope. I also miss how the whole town seems to bond during football season. Go Steelers! What I don't miss is the horrible singles scene. Not that it's been any better here. I'm beginning to think that men are allergic to me. Oh, except for Glenn Tilbrook. 'Cause he hugged me, y'know. Are you paying attention, Beth?? Mwaah ha ha.
5. If some Hollywood types handed you a big bag of money and said, "Beckeye, we want you to make a kickass reality show." What show would you propose?
Hmm, BeckEye's Big Bag of Money sounds promising. The cameras would just follow me and watch me spend all that dough. It would be like a show within a show! But since I've never felt comfortable on camera, it probably wouldn't work. Let's see....I think it would be cool to have a show called something like Tour Bus, where a group of people work as roadies on a bus for a different band or artist each week. Each person would make a list of their 5 favorite artists. They would have to perform certain "challenges" every week, and whoever wins the challenge gets to pick which artist uses the tour bus. Then each week's artist gets to vote off the roadie who they thought was the worst. The ultimate winner would get to be tour manager for their favorite artist because, let's face it, being a roadie probably sucks. This may sound like a stupid show to everyone, but I totally want to be on it now. I already have my list of five written up and I'm practicing my crouching, silent stage run.
Thanks for the good time, Splotchy!
To the rest of you - if you want an interview with or from me, just say the word. I promise not to be offended if you head to Splotchy's corner instead.
Technorati tags: Splotchy, interview, Teach your children well, for they are our future porn stars
Hey kids, I'm posting twice today to make up for my lackadaisical bloggitude lately! Please read both posts, commenting heavily and loving me dearly all the while. You wouldn't want me to catch a severe case of the Butterscotch Blues™ now, would you?
Butterscotch Suicide, Don't Do It - Owen Wilson is in the hospital after an apparent botched suicide attempt on Sunday. Other than the Butterscotch Blues™ thing, I'm not really going to attempt to make light of this because I think it's kind of sad. I like the guy. It's strange because I couldn't stand him when he first burst onto the scene, but his turn as so-hot-right-now Hansel in Zoolander totally won me over. I defy anyone to watch that movie (or Wedding Crashers) and not love him completely. Hopefully, he will be okay and manage to escape the clutches of that grief-magnet, Barbara Walters.
Nicole Richie Mistaken For High School Student - I'm assuming that's what happened when Nicole showed up at the Los Angeles Century Regional Detention Facility. The guards must have thought she was a delinquent in one of those "Scared Straight" programs, because they stuck her in a cell for a little over an hour and then let her go. No, wait. Says here in this article that the sheriff's sergeant knew exactly who she was and that she was there for the usual - drunk, reckless driving. The sergeant explained that "At this time, the criteria for a female arrestee sentenced to 30 days or less for a non-violent offense is as follows: the arrestee is booked, screened and usually released within 12 hours." Why doesn't the city just eliminate all traffic cops from its budget and put that money to better use? Maybe they could build a special celebrity bumper-car lane on the highway.
Finally, A Couple I Can Get Behind - Rumor has it that Paris Hilton has been getting quite friendly with Kid Rock, after photos of the two canoodling at a recent party surfaced. Since the mere thought of either of these idiots can cause me to have a projectile vomiting episode, you'd think that the idea of them together might actually kill me. However, the way I figure it, these two should go off and live in their own little corner of hell, make sex tapes and raise a family of smelly, bratty, tattooed, anteater children. Putting them together gives other single celebs a better chance of escaping the horror and embarassment of V.D.
Miss Teen USA is a Scholarship Program, Eh? - If anyone needs a scholarship, it's Miss Southern Comfort, er, South Carolina. I can't imagine that her grades and SAT scores are putting her in a decent university. But even if she does get into college, what good will that do if she can't even find her way there? What if she's one of the poor, underprivileged U.S. Americans without a map?
Britney's a Bad Mother - You don't say? Bears are still shitting in the woods too. What a world.
Monday, August 27, 2007
I'm a horrible, horrible blogger. Not only have I not written anything in 5 days, but I've left you with nothing but the piano-playing yeti's video to keep you entertained. Sorry. I will make it up to you all, I promise.
In the meantime, stop staring at Michael McDonald and take another look at Glenn and I. Oh, what a lovely pair we make.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Before I get to the video, I just want to let you all know that I know that I haven't posted recaps for the last two weeks of The Two Coreys. I keep forgetting to watch it. I'm sorry...especially to all of you whack-off artists out there who keep finding my blog via Google searches for "Susie Feldman tits." I'm sure she and her tits are just fine. Hopefully I can catch a marathon one of these days and get us all up to speed on all the Coreyness.
And, even though I gave up its weekly recaps, I've been meaning to give an update on Rock of Love. I will, eventually. I keep forgetting that too.
So, in honor of all my forgetfulness, here is Michael McDonald with "I Keep Forgettin'" from his 1982 solo debut, If That's What It Takes. Oh, some of you may turn up your noses at this "soft rock," but why don't you just admit that you love it? How could you not? This song kicks so much ass, I'm surprised that there's any ass left in this world at all.
I also keep forgetting to remind you all about that time I met Glenn Tilbrook. Remember that? That actually kicked more ass than this song, if you can imagine.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I have some fantastic news for you, my lovely readers. I was recently asked to pose for some photos in Allure magazine, as part of their "Bodacious Babes of Blogdom" spread. And, as Tyra Banks would say, here's my best shot...
What, you don't believe that's really me? Ok, you caught me. It's Britney Spears. But, come on, it actually looks more like me than it does Britney. Hell, with all that's been manipulated in this photo, it could very well be Abe Vigoda. The "making of" this picture should really be featured in the next Dove "Evolution" ad.
While Brit could fake the pix, there was no faking the accompanying interview. Since Spears never bothered to show up for any of her appointments with Allure's Judith Newman, the writer just turned in an essay about her thwarted attempts to meet with America's Favorite Train Wreck. Brit had plenty of lame reasons for not showing up and, not surprisingly, not one of them involved spending time with her kids. One of her excuses was that she was held up by "important work in the recording studio." Mmm hmm. Look, unless Britney has taken a job as a cleaning woman at a recording studio, she has no "important" work to do there. She's never done anything of any value there before, and odds are that she never will. Proving that point, the pap tracked her down a few hours later - not at the studio - but at a salon getting her nails done. (Brit's a big fan of the Cheeto powder extraction-and-French manicure combo deal.) In response to all this mess, Allure editor-in-chief declared that, "Britney has long lost her role-model status." I'm sorry, did I black out for a few years? When was Britney a role model? This is like saying that K-Fed has lost his "respected musician" status.
And for anyone who has been wondering what K-Fed has been up to, he just landed a recurring role on One Tree Hill as a "cocky rock singer." Those of you who don't think that's much of an acting stretch obviously haven't heard any of his "music."
Oh, and look! Not to be outdone by his ex, K-Fed recently posed for a spread in GQ.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:
You're Fire(d)...Crotch! - Donald Trump is gearing up for a celebrity version of The Apprentice featuring savvy business folk like Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers and George Foreman. In order to stack the deck in one of those idiots' favor, The Donald is hoping to get Paris Hiton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to participate in the competition. I don't see how any of them could refuse Trump when he's pouring on the charm, saying he wants them because they're "f**king messes." I would only watch that if Trump brought back his former right-hand woman, Carolyn, to lay the smackdown on the three little pigs.
Pesci Snags a Yout...Maybe - Surprise #1: 64 year-old Joe Pesci is dating thirtysomething model/actress/hanger-on Angie Everhart. Surprise #2: Pesci recently proposed to the Amazonian redhead and she said yes. However, it's now rumored that Everhart has been seeing Ian Ziering. In future news, the body of Ian Ziering has just been recovered from a Jersey swamp. Oh, Steve Sanders. We hardly knew ye.
Who's J.K. Rowling's Biggest Fan? - J.K. Rowling has decided to write a detective novel, just as soon as she stops rolling around naked in her giant tub of money. I wonder how long it will take some wannabe wizard-geek to kidnap her, tie her to a bed and smash her ankles with a sledgehammer until she continues the Harry Potter series?
Amy Winehouse Goes To Rehab and All the Jokes Have Been Used - The happy-to-be-addicted and highly overrated singer kept saying "no, no, no" to rehab until she found out about the Accelerated Detox Program that worked so well for Lindsay and Britney. She's completely cured now, but is cancelling her upcoming tour anyway. You know, for "exhaustion." Well, heroin has been known to cause severe fatigue. Her pharmacist really should have warned her.
The Rolling Stones Finally Look in a Mirror - The Rolling Stones have finally decided that they're too old to continue touring. Apparently, a fan in the front row of a recent concert revealed that Mick Jagger and Ron Wood were pulling the old "Weekend at Bernie's" trick with Keith Richards, who's actually been dead since 1991.
Technorati tags: Donald Trump, Celebrity Apprentice, The Firecrotches Three, Joe Pesci, Angie Everhart, Ian Ziering, J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter, Amy Winehouse, Rolling Stones, gossip, entertainment, humor
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Today is Madonna's birthday, so the forgotten classic this week is a tribute to her long journey from slutty ingenue to slutty, not-really-British has-been.
Turn your AC on high...Madonna is Burning Up in this 1983 video from her self-titled album. Take notes, Lindsay, Paris and Britney. Madonna was the original firecrotch.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I love you, man. Everyone does. You've been in some great movies. But for the love of cowbell, please learn how to say "no."
I deliver this message with the utmost respect so, um, please don't hurt me. That is all.
Monday, August 13, 2007
It feels like forever since Britney served up a nice, big, steaming plate of crazy for us all to feast on. Now she's back in the news for...partying and making out with some random college dude in a hot tub? Like we can't just flip on The Real World at any given time and see something ten times more shocking?
Honey, you are Britney F'ing Spears! The Britney I know would've blown up that hot tub with an M-80, then skateboarded naked to the nearest 7-11 where you would've deep throated an entire case of beef jerky and vomited it back up into the Slurpee machine. Then when the police and bomb squad showed up, you would've tried to convince everyone that you were actually Ashlee Simpson. This run-of-the-mill hot tub display is just pathetic. Get it together, girl.
By the way, am I the only one who thought Brit's make out partner was Jim Carrey? That cover photo could easily be a still from Dumb and Dumber-er-er.
And since we're on the subject of pictures...did everyone see the ones of me with Glenn Tilbrook? Oh no, I won't stop talking about it any time soon.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Not to be outdone by the Fox network, HBO begins filming its "Real Sex: Are You Smarter Than a Preschooler?" episode today.
Well kids, it was tough, but the winner of this month's Caption Contest is Slave to the Dogs. Congratulations, Slave. I dub thee Firecrotch of the Month! Please make sure your smoke alarms and/or fire extinguishers are in proper working order.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Is it wrong that I really don't want to write anything just so my Squeeze post can stay at the top of my blog? Well, I won't be super-obnoxious and make it a sticky post. I'll just be slightly obnoxious and keep linking to it. Look! It's me with Glenn Tilbrook!
It should come as no surprise that the classic video this week will belong to Squeeze. Unfortunately, the incredibly cute video that I wanted to post ("Electric Trains") has been taken off of YouTube for some reason, so now I'm just going to post three other videos before all of the Squeeze clips disappear. There is a great video of the band performing "Electric Trains" live on Late Night with Conan O'Brien here, which you must check out immediately if you're not familiar with the song. How a song that talks about counting pubic hairs never became a huge hit is beyond me. Maybe they didn't talk about it enough. Anyway, it's definitely Top 5 material for me. Hmm, perhaps I should put together a Favorite Squeeze Songs list one of these days? Perhaps I will.
In the meantime, enjoy Squeeze through the years...
"Black Coffee in Bed" from 1982's Sweets From a Stranger
Even though it's widely known that I detest coffee, I wouldn't kick Glenn out of bed for having a cup. Nor for not using a coaster. During the commentary on Glenn's tour documentary DVD, One for the Road, this clip is shown and Glenn seems horrified with the amount of make-up he's wearing in this video.
"Last Time Forever" from 1985's Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti
As I mentioned before in my post about "Hits of the Year," this was definitely not my favorite hair configuration of Glenn's. At least he's not wearing make-up though! Also like "Hits of the Year," Glenn's vocals nearly obscure the dark lyrics. In that song, he made an airplane hijacking sound like great fun and in this one he makes a wife-murdering psycho sound positively dreamy. The album version of this song makes things a little more obvious by incorporating a sound bite from The Shining into the intro.
"Hourglass" from 1987's Babylon and On
I don't think this video will fit into the "forgotten" category because it got tons of airplay on MTV, but I'm posting it anyway. Besides "Tempted," I think this is probably the most recognizable Squeeze tune to people in the States. Probably because it's one of the few that got regular radio airplay! It's a fun song and even though the video is definitely a product of the '80s, I still think it's pretty clever. Plus, this clip happens to feature my favorite Tilbrook-hair configuration...the floppy-front blonde 'do. *sigh*
Is Brangelina splitting back into two separate people or what? I can't follow this story. Maybe it's because I don't care? Most celeb couples break up at some point, so does it really matter if this is a false alarm or not? Journalists, save your stories. Save yourselves the re-write when the real time comes.
Have you ever hated yourself for loving a song? Now, as I've said before, I'm not embarassed or ashamed to admit to liking any of the stupid stuff that fills my life, but occasionally I'm disturbed by how "unlike" me I can be. I'm baffled by my affection for "Personal" by Fergie and "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5. I never imagined that I could enjoy anything that came out of Fergie's heavily Auto-Tuned mouth, but that song is too damn catchy to not like. The fact that I like that one doesn't trouble me as much as my affinity for the Maroon 5 tune. I've always loved "Harder to Breathe," but that was their first single before they pulled a bait and switch on everyone. A band like that is usually allowed to have one good song. But now, this song's massive hooks have dug into me and I can't free myself. I guess I have no choice but to love it, but I still hate that turd, Adam Levine. That will never change.
Since everyone in the free world has Simpsonized themselves, I decided to get in on the act too. The resemblance is uncanny. As long as the definition of "uncanny" has suddenly been reversed. Oh, if only my hair were as nice as my Springfield counterpart's.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Last night, I went to a sweat lodge and I'm not even trying to quit smoking. This particular sweat lodge is commonly known as The Starland Ballroom, a little venue in Sayreville, NJ on Jon Bon Jovi Boulevard. (That wasn't really the street name, but I predict that it will be eventually.) It was hotter inside than it was outside, which would normally have been intolerable, but most of the heat was coming from the stage where Squeeze was playing! That's the kind of heat I could bask in all year round.
I have loved Squeeze for years and years, but never had the chance to see them live in any of their various lineups. For this reunion, which was most likely the last, the key songwriting duo of Glenn Tilbrook and Chris Difford joined forces with John Bentley, the band's bassist from 1980 - 1982. Completing the band were keyboardist Stephen Large and drummer Simon Hanson, two members of Tilbrook's band, The Fluffers, who capably filled in for original members Jools Holland and Gilson Lavis. Glenn mentioned during the show that he thought this was the best lineup ever and, since I'd never seen them in concert before, I guess I'll have to go along with that assessment!
I can't find the full set list online, and I certainly wasn't writing down the order, but the show was jam-packed with all of the hits that I expected. The band kicked things off with "Take Me I'm Yours," and eventually got around to playing all the songs from Singles - 45s and Under, including my favorite, "Another Nail For My Heart." They pulled out a lot of other minor hits and fan favorites like "Some Fantastic Place," "Footprints," "Piccadilly" and "Electric Trains." All the guys were in top form, and my fears that I would miss Jools were soon quieted by the wonderful Stephen Large. It was great to hear that Difford/Tilbrook harmony, and it probably goes without saying that Glenn's voice was sheer perfection. I have no complaints about the evening, except to say that I kind of wish that Squeeze would've put on a show of Springsteenian proportions, playing into the wee hours of the morning!
I should mention that I played the Lone Wolf once again last night, because my brother and his girlfriend couldn't go at the last minute and I couldn't get any of my friends to go with me on such short notice. I ended up selling the other two tickets to a couple of guys at the door and found someone to chat with before and during the show. (Not too much during...I was transfixed!) After the show, I headed toward the front of the venue to cash in on my meet 'n' greet privileges and ran into Doris, another Glenn fan I met through MySpace and Glenn's Yahoo! group. She didn't have a V.I.P. ticket, so I just took her up to the meet 'n' greet as my guest. Since she had already met Glenn before, I figured that she wouldn't let me chicken out again when it came time to meet the lovely and talented Mr. Tilbrook!
I was kind of disappointed with the whole meet 'n' greet thing. I was certainly glad to meet everyone (especially Glenn, obviously) but it was too much of an assembly line. The guys in the band basically sat at a long table, like at a press conference, and everyone walked by, passing their various items down the line so each guy could sign them. Everyone had a limited amount of time to talk to each member, supervised by an impatient, jerky security staff who were only missing cattle prods. Not being much of an autograph hound, I was ill-prepared for this whole scene anyway and wondered if I should be a true groupie and just have Glenn sign my chest. However, since I am a fan of daily showers, I decided that would be pointless and opted to have everyone sign my concert ticket. Luckily, they were also giving out and autographing limited-edition concert posters.
First up was Chris Difford, who seemed a bit shy and stand-offish, but pleasant enough. For some unknown reason, he wrote "blind melon" above his signature on my poster. I think he personalized Doris's with "yours is no disgrace." I guess he's kind of a weird guy. Since he was on one end of the table, I got my picture with him. He didn't get up but managed to mug a bit for the camera.
Next was John Bentley, who seemed like a pretty regular Joe. Well, a regular John. (But not that kind of John.) Then it was Simon and Stephen, who were both very cute and funny. All three guys in the middle seemed happy to be there and appreciative of their fans. I told Stephen that he was "awesome" and that I really want to get his CD. That wasn't bullshit - you should all check out the MySpace page for his band, Lord Large.
Finally, it was time to meet Glenn and I immediately started jibber-jabbering about who knows what while he was signing my poster...then he looked up and realized I was talking and was like, "What?" Good question. I don't know what I was talking about. Something about how I've wanted to meet him since I was x years old, but I stopped short because I thought if I gave an age it would make him feel old. Then I didn't know what to say. I was totally flustered by how charming and handsome he was in person! My brain managed to function well enough for me to ask if he would mind getting a picture with me, and he immediately came over and threw his arms around me. Security kind of had access to him blocked off with the table so he had to lean over and reach across to get to me. (Like the jerks couldn't move the table a smidge?) Doris nicely snapped a pic, and then he asked her to take another one and sort of leaned all the way forward so his head was kind of cradled in my arms. (I should have just grabbed him then and ran.) Somehow he changed position before the picture was taken and when he saw the still, he wailed, "nooooo, I'm frowning!" I just told him it didn't matter. We were chatting a bit and so I got to tell him how this show was exactly what I needed now.
You see, my father just had open heart surgery last week, so the week had been pretty frightening and stressful for my family and I. I never mentioned it in my blog because A) it was personal and B) I needed my silly little blog as a diversion from all the heaviness going on. For a while there, I assumed I wouldn't be going to the concert and I really didn't care at that point because all I was worried about was my dad's health. As it turned out, the surgery went extremely well and Daddy-o is already being cantankerous and talking about getting back on the golf course! Once I was comfortable that he was okay, I had to return to New York to get back to work. It hit me then that I would be able to make the concert after all and I really started looking forward to it again. I don't know why I felt compelled to tell Glenn about this, but I guess I just wanted to let him know that his music is very important, to me and millions of others, and that even something as simple as a concert can really make a difference in someone's life. He seemed genuinely concerned about my situation and appreciative of the sentiment. Of course, as I'm having my "Glenn moment," the security guy "Ma'amed" me and told me to move along. Glenn gave me a big squeeze and put his cheek right up against mine and said, "I wish you didn't have to go." That's no bullshit. Well, at least I don't think it's bullshit. But even with my ears ringing and his accent, I'm 99% certain that is what he said, which was very sweet. (The subsequent marriage proposal, on the other hand, was all in my mind.) What I've heard from people who have met him at solo gigs is that he is extremely gracious and often spends a lot of time with the fans, even hanging out at the bar and throwing back a few pints with them. He's probably not used to the cattle drive meet 'n greet! So, now that I've gotten over the first meeting, I promise to become a groupie stalker on his next solo tour!
Technorati tags: Squeeze, Glenn Tilbrook, Since when don't meet 'n' greets allow dry humping?, My arms look like giant hams!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Before I begin my recap - have you all entered this month's caption contest yet? No? Well, don't just sit there like Corey Haim with your mouth hanging open! Give me your best line!
And now on with the show...
Episode 3 - "Cold Turkey"
This week, the "partially scripted" show is really feeling like a two-man (and a little lady) play with absolutely no "reality" at all. We open on Susie, bitching that she can smell smoke in the house. She complains to Feldog that he needs to tell that other Corey again that he can't smoke in the house. Feldman stands there with a sheepish grin on his face and tries to tell Susie that he can't smell anything. A few minutes later we see Feldman, not Haim, outside smoking! But waaaaait a minute...he's supposed to have quit! D'oh!!
After Susie inevitably catches the two Coreys smoking together, she hatches a few plans for them to both quit. They try nicotine gum first and spit it out immediately. Then they go to a hypnotist. Hypnosis has no effect, which is illustrated in dorky sit-com fashion with a scene showing Feldman and Haim exiting his office and immediately lighting up. Har har har.
Finally, Susie sends the guys away to a "sweat lodge," which sounds much dirtier than it is. Basically it's a tarp tied between trees out in the woods with some rocks inside, resulting in a makeshift sauna. Feldog almost doesn't go because he can't bear the idea of being away from his plaything for even half of a day. (This is when I start having sympathy nausea along with the Haimster.) After much whining and moaning, Feldman finally gets to the sweat lodge with Haim in tow and they meet their spiritual Indian guide. Never has it been more obvious that this show is shot in California, because this Indian isn't quite the mystic I was expecting. He looks like the manager at just about any Home Depot. Still, he's got a peace pipe so I guess he's legit. He turns the Coreys' smoking-cessation program into a sweaty, half-naked, soul-cleansing, peacemaking love-fest. Again, that sounds much dirtier than it is.
Susie actually goes out with friends and has a few drinks while the boys are away. However, as the night goes on she keeps talking about how she shouldn't be out and needs to get home before she gets in trouble. Cut to Feldog coming home and immediately going into a tizzy over Susie's whereabouts. She didn't leave a note? She didn't call? She actually left the house without her shock collar?? Luckily, Susie returns before Feldman can remember where he left his spine and balls. If he got those back, it could spell disaster for this show as we know it.
Finally, Feldog and Susie snuggle while the Haimster puffs away on a cancer stick, outside. Awwwww.
Episode 4 - "Surprise Party"
The Haimster is turning 35. We discover that Susie will also be 35...in eleven years. Things are making much more sense now. We also discover that Susie often parades around in a tank top that reads, "Corey Feldman Rocks." Ah, it's so nice to see a man taking responsibility for the way his child is raised.
Before Haim's b-day, he decides that he wants to get a new driver's license. The Coreys go to the DMV. Many License to Drive jokes are made. Haim hits on the DMV chick, who is not an angry, bitter troll. Yep, this is soooo scripted.
Susie and Mr. Susie decide to throw the Haimster a surprise party, inviting his mom and several strippers. Before the planning starts, Haim announces to Feldman that he's having "heart problems," and Feldman responds as if they're talking about the weather. Eventually, they go to the doctor and we never really find out what Haim's problem is. He just rattles off a laundry list of the drugs he's taken throughout his life and the doctor nods blankly. I guess it's not that serious. The surprise party is on!
While Feldog picks the Haimster's mom up at the airport, Susie keeps Haim occupied by taking him to the hair salon so he can get rid of the blonde streaks he's had since 1986. Haim's mom puts the kibosh on the stripper party, so everyone decides to have an ice-hockey party. Well, actually a broom-ball party at an ice-hockey rink. No one gets their teeth knocked out. Sorry.
Finally, everyone squirts the 35 year-old Haimster with silly string and then there are hugs all around. Awwwwww.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Beth recently asked me to answer five random questions because...I dunno. She's obsessed with me or something. And why not? I'm incredibly interesting and my boobs are real. Yes, Bret Michaels, that combination is possible.
These are some great questions, and I think the idea is for me to answer and then come up with five more to ask a few other folks. I want to play along, but I'm kind of brain dead right now, so I'll have to hold off on the question creation until a later date. Luckily, the part of my brain that handles answering seems to be working okay, so I can complete Phase I of this mini-interview.
1. Who was your Tiger Beat crush? Do you still find him cute?
Certainly not Leif Garrett. I think anyone who's even skimmed over my blog once might already know that it's John Travolta. My first love. Do I still find him cute? Abso-frickin-lutely. And after seeing him in Hairspray, gracefully dancing in a fat suit and heels (while I can't even walk in heels), I've discovered a whole new level of admiration for him that I didn't know existed.
2. You’re the new hot voice out there, and everyone wants to play with you. Who do you pick to play in your backup band?
Arrgh. I hate these kinds of questions where I have to narrow a gigantic list down to just a few. I'm also still laughing uproariously at the idea of me being the "hot new voice." Courtney Love can out-sing me. Anyway, if we're dreaming, I'd have two guitarists who switch leads. The first would be Eric Clapton because he's Eric Frickin' Clapton. The second would be Glenn Tilbrook because he's an amazing talent who never got to show the world his mad guitar skills while with Squeeze. He would also provide backing vocals, harmony vocals and duet with me as often as possible. And maybe we'd get married. Then I'd put Lee Rocker on bass, because stand-up basses are totally kick-ass. I'd want Max Weinberg on drums (sorry, Conan) and Clarence Clemons to come in when I needed a bit of sax. I guess I'd put Billy Joel on keys because he is the Piano Man, after all. (And by keys I just mean the piano keys. We'd have to keep him away from the keys to the tour bus.) Then I'd have a revolving door of harmony vocalists/tambourinists like Eddie Vedder (whom I would marry if it didn't work out with Tilbrook), Stevie Nicks, Maria McKee and whoever the hell else I want. And I can get them too, because I'm the hot new voice!
3. What’s your favorite curse word? When do you use it?
Well, I very much enjoy the "F" word, but I tend to say "balls" more than anything. Is that considered a curse word? If not, it should be. I also tend to splice curses together that really don't make sense, like my usual "Mother of shit."
4. What’s your guilty pleasure TV show, the one you’re almost embarrassed to admit you watch?
Okay, so I've probably said before that I don't believe in the term "guilty pleasure." I don't care if other people don't approve of the things that I enjoy. There have been a few times where I've actually disgusted myself for watching something, because it seemed to go against everything I am, but in general I don't hide my enthusiasm for trashy entertainment. Mostly I get made fun of for watching way too much children's programming. Specifically, when my nieces were younger, I used to practically force them to watch Wishbone. It was about a Jack Russell who read books and imagined himself as different characters. It really wasn't that interesting, but I was such a sucker for that dog. And it had a great theme song.
5. Which is your very favorite bauble?
I'm assuming we're talking about jewelry, which I don't have much of. I pretty much have one ring, my birthstone, that I always wear. I'm not a very good accessorizer. Feel free to nominate me for What Not to Wear. Also, I love the homonym "bobble." Such a fun word to say.