Tuesday, April 08, 2008

American Idol 7: I Have a Dream (And It Involves Michael Johns and Whipped Cream)

Tonight, American Idol serves up a schmaltzy appetizer before tomorrow's Night of A Thousand Cheeseballs. The remaining eight contestants will sing "songs that inspire them" or, in some cases, "songs that they found on iTunes today that fit the theme."

WARNING: "The Greatest Love of All" will not be tolerated. Any offenders will be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly.

Up first is light of my life, fire of my loins, Michael Johns. Can someone please tell me...just how many neckerchiefs did the wardrobe department buy this season? Are the stylists trying to hide the glory that is MJ? What is going through their heads? Hmm, here's one of the sexiest guys on earth. Whatever could we dress him in? OH! I know! How about this "Amish swinger" ensemble? Good Lord. Well, whatever, they could throw a pink tutu and a green cardigan on him and he'd still look luscious. His hairstylist has it together at least. With his lovely locks wonderfully mussed, Michael takes the stage to sing the Aerosmith classic "Dream On." He sounds pretty good and I'm enjoying it because I'm thinking, "Yes! This is awesome...he's not trying to imitate Steven Tyler!" Then, all of a sudden, he goes for the screechy notes at the end. Oh no. He can hit the notes, but that's so not him. Plus, it just makes the whole performance that much less original. Randy and Simon both call him on it, remind him that's he's not a "hard rocker" and warn him about coming off as a "wannabe." Paula tells him that he sounds as good as he looks. Now, even though Paula is finally making sense (at least until she starts yapping about her chihuahuas), she's a bit off. Yes, he sounds great. But he could never sound as good as he looks. If he sounded as good as he looks, well, that would just be downright unfair. And I would start to suspect that he was actually created in a lab somewhere. And then I would go find that lab.

"I Believe" that if I never heard that awful Fantasia single again in my life, I would be one happy girl. However, I have to give Syesha Mercado props for picking it instead of the aforementioned Whitney Houston abomination. She sings it fairly well but, as always, it's just big on volume and short on emotion. Still, I prefer it to Fantasia's screechoriffic original. Paula thinks it's a "shining moment," but Randy and Simon agree with me. When Randy tells Syesha that she doesn't have the same "connection" that Fantasia does, Syesha is like, "Huh? You comparing me to her? I'll cut you, Dawg-breath!" Yeah, Syesha's clearly not enjoying herself. After revealing that last week's castoff, Ramiele, was the only one of the contestants who understood her, I'm guessing that she's trying to vote herself off the island. I'll build the damn raft and paddle her back to civilization myself, especially if it means another week for Michael.

Jason Castro tiptoes through the tulips and on to the stage with a ukelele for his version of some Hawaiian dude's beachy cover of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." You may not know this about me, but I love the ukelele. It is such a cool instrument. If this arrangement uses steel drums, I will really be in heaven. Alas, no steel drums in sight, but the performance is very nice. I just like Jason. He's got something. All the judges really like him tonight as well.

I can't believe the sheer balls of Kristy Lee Cook for taking on the Martina McBride song "Anyway." And she's doing it in another of her seemingly endless supply of sequined tops. About 30 seconds in, I'm actually left with nothing snarky to say. Kristy actually sounds really good. She's no Martina McBride, but not many people are. Compared to the rest of her performances, this is, to steal the Dawg's word of the year, stellar. The judges love her too, although Randy decides not to give her full credit by filing a claim of "some pitchiness." I didn't hear it. I think he just hates to admit that she was good tonight. I certainly hate to admit it, but whatever. Gotta give credit where it's due.

David Cook trots out the Our Lady Peace song, "Innocent," for all the Canadian fans in the audience. Actually, I have to admit to liking Our Lady Peace once upon a time. One of the more random bands I've liked but could never really put my finger on why. Maybe it had something to do with having a small crush on lead singer, Raine Maida. I know a lot of my readers have crushes on David Cook, but I'm sorry...I'm not digging this performance. The first verse is horrible, and although he picks it up in the middle, it all comes off as very affected. He seems like he's trying really hard to impersonate Maida's slightly whiny, rangy vocal style. This is definitely his weakest performance so far, and Randy and Simon agree with me again. Oh, we're all so harmonious for charity week, aren't we? Paula's idea of "giving back" is refusing to say anything slightly negative, even if it means disagreeing with Randy, so she gushes over David. She tags him and says he's IT.

Time for me to fess up. I have completely lost interest in tonight's show. Michael went first, so there's no hotness to look forward to, and I just keep worrying that he could end up in the Bottom 3. Bloody hell, do I have to vote again for the third time in my life?? I think I may have to. The combination of the Steven Tyler notes and being in the first spot make me very nervous.

Well, "The Show Must Go On," as Carly Smithson tells us with the millionth Queen song of the season. This starts out really good and I fully expect Carly to blow it out the box, yo. But, Holy Lord, what a mess the chorus is! What is with all the needless shrieking? Does Carly think that we'll forget that she has a powerful voice if she doesn't push it to its extremes every week? None of the judges feel inspired in any way by this performance, but Simon finally tells Carly that she looks nice. Carly returns the favor by blaming her suckage on Simon's face. Yeah, I don't get it either.

David Archuleta takes a seat at the piano to sing Robbie Williams' "Angels." Even though he sounds like he has cotton in his mouth at the beginning, it ends up being pretty good. Yeah, yeah. I'm just over David at this point. Everything sounds the same coming out of his mouth. I'm bored. The judges finally disagree with me and prematurely place the AI crown atop Little Lord Archuleroy's head. Bah.

Closing the night out with the most predictable song choice is Babbling Brooke with Carole King's "You've Got a Friend." Okay, so every time I hear this song I think of a stupid SNL skit from back in the Steve Martin days. Steve went out on a date with Carole, walked her to her door, and then Steve is getting mugged and stabbed outside and screaming "Carole!" while she's inside singing this song, completely oblivious. It's not that funny, but this performance isn't that good, so my mind is wandering. Don't get me wrong, I like Brooke and I think she has a nice voice and all, but she's getting to be as boring as Archuleta. Randy thinks she's "just okay." When the ever-cheery Paula announces that this is the perfect way to end the evening, Simon is like, "What? The evening is over? Finally! Yeah, Brooke you were fine. Jeeves! Bring my car 'round, won't you?"

So, who will be in the Bottom 3 on Thursday? Will anyone be voted off, or will it be like last year when everyone was saved and they doubled up on the executions the following week? I heard somewhere that there definitely would be an elimination this year, but I can't remember if I heard that from a reliable source.

I refuse to put Michael in the Bottom 3, even if I am afraid that he's in danger. So, I'll just guess that the bottom dwellers will be Syesha, Brooke and Carly. If anyone goes home, I'm predicting that Carly will leave in the season's big shocker. THE SHOCKWAVES WILL BE FELT IN THE NEXT GALAXY!

Sigh. Gotta vote now.


Falwless said...


K, I seriously burst out in laughter at the Jason Castro tiptoes through the tulips and on to the stage.. thing. Ohmy. Too funny.

I was wondering what the hell was up with the queer leopard-print ascot Johns donned this evening. Oh so many shades of wrong that was, dear Michael. Get it together, son.

Falwless said...

And I gotta admit, for once, when they finished the hour with the short recaps of everyone's performances, one of my favorites ended up being Kristy Lee's. She really did well this evening. Undoubtedly, this will be the week she's sent packing. You watch.

Angie said...

I voted a gazillion times for Michael. Hope it's enough. I loved him, tonight, but I was/am afraid like you.

"Little Lord Archuleroy" made me wake the kids with laughter.

I can not like Kristy no matter what she does. Something about her just irks the crap out of me.

Great recap as always!

PS I thought the "GIVE BACK" on David's hand was lame as hell.

Angie said...

Hey, I DID notice Michael's reaction to Paula. And, he actually said, "Embarrassed" or "Embarrassing." It was scrumptiously adorable. Can he BE adorable AND sexy? I think so.

Oh, I agree about the ST shriek. I just forgot to put it in my blog. I was highly distracted tonight.

By that scarf.

Um, I do NOT think you are a dork re: Q. Nope. Not at all. I'm right there with ya.

Falwless said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the Little Lord Archuleroy thing. Dude that was effing funny. This should be his permanent moniker.

GingerSnaps said...

LOL! "Michael Johns and whipped cream..."

Well, he was just AMAZING once again tonight. He absolutely killed the ending of "Dream On"...it was incredible!!!

I posted on Michael again tonight...I just can't help it...perhaps it's all wrong, ah...but it's alright... ;)

Red said...

Kristy Lee was pitchy, but this was definitely her best week.

We picked the same bottom three. Syesha has gotta go and end my misery. I hate that bitch.

I actually hated David Cook's performance, but my crush remains alive...for now...

Mimi Lenox said...

You've been royally tagged by Mimi Queen of Memes. Have fun!
Message In a Bottle

fran said...

This is the first week I can remember, even going back to other seasons, where I didn't think ANYONE was good. the closest were Davey A. and Kristy Lee, which is enough to make my head explode.

Tell yer man to stop raiding Mr. Furley's closet :)

Dale said...

I think Babbling Brooke might end up in the drink.

David Cook's declaration of love for Raine Maida was clear and muddy at the same time.

Michael no doubt has ideas for you, those neckerchiefs and bedposts -- get ready Beckeye.

SkylersDad said...

At least some folks got in Brooke's ear and said "stop talking"... That's good! I think she is starting to crack under the pressure.

Jason did an OK job on Over the rainbow, but you really have to hear Isreals version - pure gold.

Anonymous said...

Well? If Simon says Carly's in trouble then you know she's gonna be in the bottom three. I'm surprised you didn't mention David C's coat. I thought I was watching Top Chef for a moment there.

I didn't think David A's performance was all that, but just ok. KLC did aight, still not a fan. Not diggin the ascot on Michael and if he had hit that note at the end of the song, well, he would have hit that note at the end of the song. He's still hot though.

I think its our Miss Brooks that will be sent packing.

Gifted Typist said...

I thought the whole thing was pretty underwhelming. Mediocrity ruled the day.
B3 for me: Carly (trainwreck) Brooke (yawn), Syesha (not heart or soul).

The best (or least bad, anyway) were Jason and Kirsty Lee and no one is more surprised by that than moi

PS how about that Push-up Paula?

Andrew said...

Between Paula's chihuahuas trying to jump up out of her dress and onto the stage, and the oh so very posh bit of silk strangling ManJohn's neck, I knew we were in for a very special episode of PopEye this week... nicely done!

Mathdude said...

I got Syeesha, Carly, and David Cook in my bottom 3 with Carly going home

Mike said...

I hate HATE HATE to admit it. But I liked Kristy Lee the best this week. The rest ( yeah..I like uke music also...my dad played when I was lad) were horrible! Even ascot wearing Michael. Sorry.

The worst of all...Brooke. She was my fave at one point in time, but now...like you said...so predictable that she would do "you gotta friend". She has as much soul as friggin Pat Boone!

Good review...the anger is subsiding.

CDP said...

I actually watched it for the first time last night (Jason was my favorite) and I was worried that there would be no recap, since I was sure you'd turn it off after Michael was finished. "Little Lord Archeleroy", tee hee.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

How the heck does this show work anyway? Don't they vote someone off each episode? It's not Survivor with Songs? I'm confused. (not that that's anything new)

Chancelucky said...

There seems to be a very real possibility that Kristie Lee Cook will outlast Carly Smithson. HOw weird is that?

Beth said...

Michael Johns looks like Tim Daly in that photo.

Coaster Punchman said...

I think Diareesha's going home tonight. I don't know why a few of you think MJ is in danger. I think he'll hold on til at least the top 3. Unfortunately.

Red said...

Your new avatar is amazing

Kristi Mantoni said...

this show was a struggle to see who could be the most boring. I think Brooke won but Syesha channeling Whitney came in a close second!

Alice said...

hehhehehehehe diareesha. giggle.

i'm SO UPSET. i've been moved to a cube, A CUBE, O THE INFAMY, so i can no longer click on these youtube links and listen to the performances. NEED HEADPHONES, STAT.

Amy said...

I just wanna say that I would totally kick Kristi Lee's ass up and down the stage singing ANY Martina song.

I got standing ovations and people buying me shots when I sang Martina at karaoke.

So, it was like 10 years ago, but stil....

J said...

joOh My God!!!

I think of the SNL skit when I hear "You've Got a Friend" too! You are the only other person that remembers it with me. It was a horrible sketch and it's ruined the song for me forever. Ah, it was a crappy song to begin with.

BeckEye said...

Falwless - Yeah, Kristy Lee did well with a song that wasn't "Amazing Grace" for once. Good for her. She still needs to go. Soon. I see the way she looks at Michael. Hussy.

Angie - I didn't mention the "give back" because it was just so annoying. I didn't have the space or the energy.

By the way, I watched the video back to catch what he said and it was "That's embarrassing." Maybe I watched it 3 times or maybe 53. Who knows. Does it matter?

Falwless - Yes, Little Lord Archuleroy is a keeper.

Gingersnaps - There's no such thing as too much Michael.

Red - I'd be happy if Syesha goes too.

Mimi - Okie dokie...I will attempt to get to that soon.

Fran - I'd like to play that 5 minutes in the closet game with him. Whether it's Mr. Furley's closet or Mr. Roper's, I really don't care.

Dale - Well, that's an image that won't leave my head anytime soon. Thank you for that, darling.

Skylers Dad - Now her peeps just have to convince Brooke to quit crying!

Bluez - Yeah, I guess David had the asymmetrical hair for Top Chef as well. Not quite a faux hawk, but close enough.

GT - Many of us have the same bottom 3. We'll see if great minds are great predictors.

Andrew - Why, thank you!

Mathdude - You're determined to out-predict me this week, aren't you?

Mike - What did you say about Michael? I can't hear you. And apparently I can't read anymore either.

CDP - No, I always manage to get through the whole thing, but I hate when Michael goes first. All the thrill goes with him.

Barbara - Oh, watch tomorrow night. They bring out the guillotine. You'll love it.

Chancelucky - Not that weird. It's more disappointing when Carly tanks it because she has so much more talent than KLC. No one expects much from country girl.

Beth - A lot of people have made that comparison. There's some resemblance, but Michael is much, much hotter than Tim.

CP - You had to tack that "unfortunately" on there, didn't you?

Red - Ha, thanks! I certainly cracked myself up making it.

Kristi - Yeah, they were both snoozers. And that dress that Brooke was wearing...wooo. Talk about fugly.

Alice - Girl, get thee to Best Buy immediately!

Amy - I would love to see you kick KLC's ass up and down. You don't even have to sing. But you'll do it anyywaaaaaaayyyyy...

J - That's funny! Oddly enough, you're the only person I know who remembers that!

Cleo said...

It's fun to read different people's takes because everyone hears, likes, and dislikes different things. I thought MJ was just okay until he screamed. Yes, that made it sound even more like Steven Tyler, but it sounded good. I'd rather hear a good impersonation than something that's just plain terrible, e.g., David Cook and Carly Smithson, who everyone seems to agree SUCKED this week.

Anonymous said...

Hehe.Nice recap !
I think David Cook's going to get booted tonight.
Bottom 3 - Carly,David and Skeletor.

Cleo said...


I was starting to like him.

I'm shocked and a little sad.

I hope you're all right, BeckEye...


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