You Can't Spell "Movies" Without I and Me

Since I've made my hatred of memes well-known, I wasn't upset that The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch didn't tag me with her Movie Meme. However, it's an example of the occasional meme that fits my format and is actually fun to do. Therefore, I'm swiping it from her blog and tagging myself.



1. One that made you laugh: Night Shift, 1982
I first saw this movie not long after its release, when it hit HBO. I was about 10 years old and probably shouldn't have been watching it. I'm sure there was a lot of stuff that went over my head, but it quickly became a favorite of mine after developing a huge crush on Pittsburgh boy, Michael Keaton. Years later, I still think it's one of the funniest movies ever made and, although my crush on Keaton is a thing of the past, I still adore his Night Shift character, Bill Blazejowski. Michael can put on all the superhero costumes he likes, but he'll always be Billy Blaze to me. Radical! Radical!!

2. One that made you cry: The Shawshank Redemption, 1994
Here's one of the many weird things about me - real life rarely makes me cry, but when it comes to sad movies, TV shows and even songs, I'm a giant wuss. I hate for people to see me cry though, which is why I try to avoid seeing emotional movies with other people. Luckily, the first time I watched The Shawkshank Redemption was during a solo Blockbuster night. I rented it with the intention of watching with my Dad and brother, but I was up late and didn't want to wait until the next day. I'm so glad I pre-screened it, let me tell you. I didn't think that there would be much to cry about in the movie, because I had read the Stephen King novella several years beforehand. I remembered it as kind of an interesting, slow-moving prison story with some tragic elements, but nothing really worth sobbing about. (By the way, if you've yet to see this film, stop reading now because there are spoilers ahead. And now that you're no longer reading, go rent this masterpiece already, knucklehead!) Well, let me tell ya. I love James Whitmore. He's my "adopted grandfather" back-up, after Burgess Meredith. Of course, I immediately fell in love with his character, Brooks Hatlen, and since it had been a long time since reading the Stephen King story, I totally forgot what happened to him. Then, after Brooks got paroled and the scene showing him trying to adapt to the outside world unfolded, I suddenly remembered. Right about the time poor Brooks was sitting on his park bench waiting for his bird, Jake, to show up, a torrent of tears like I had never experienced in my life came bursting out of me. It was like the crying of one of those old ladies on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition who just falls into the street upon seeing her new house, and rolls around screaming "Oh Lord," and you think she's going to have an aneurysm and die. It was awful. I was weeping so horribly that I couldn't even hear (or see) the TV, so I actually had to rewind the tape and watch that whole heartbreaking sequence again. Then I cried again. And every time I thought about it, I cried some more. I still cry every time I watch that movie when it gets to that part. I don't get nearly that upset anymore, thank God, but it still gets to me. Hell, I'm getting choked up just writing about it right now!

3. One movie you loved when you were a child: Xanadu, 1980
Look, I know that this movie is pure crap, but it will always have a special place in my heart. There were two things I wanted to be when I grew up: a professional roller-skater and/or Olivia Newton-John. So, as a kid, I thought this movie was made expressly for me. I adored it and, even though I recognize its supreme cheesiness now, I still enjoy checking it out every now and then. As far as the music goes, that has stood the test of time and I'll have no one bad-mouthing it. Check out one of my favorite bits from the movie - the scene where Gene Kelly's big band gets mixed with The Tubes!

4. One you’ve seen more than once: Grease, 1978
Big surprise, I've seen the greatest movie ever more than 1 time. In fact, I've seen it more than 100 times. What's that you say? There are people who have never seen it? Oh come on, Sandy, don't make me laugh...ha...ha...ha.

5. One you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it: Rock Star, 2001
This was a hard one to answer because I’m not really embarrassed to admit to liking anything. I just picked this because it's probably considered pretty lowbrow and lame by most people, if they consider it at all. I'm not a huge Mark Wahlberg fan, but this was one of the few movies I actually liked him in. Jennifer Aniston pretty much played Jennifer Aniston. The acting was really secondary to me though. I loved this movie because I loved the '80s, and this was a pretty dead-on representation of the hair bands of the day. The songs written for the movie were perfect...they really could've been hits by Dokken, Ratt or Skid Row. I also loved the cameos by real '80s metal dudes like Jason Bonham, Blas Elias (Slaughter) and Jeff Pilson (Dokken). The other thing I loved about this movie was that Mark Wahlberg's character was from Pittsburgh! Although, the movie loses a point for sending everyone to a concert at a venue that does not exist in ye good old hometowne.

6. One you hated: Mulholland Dr., 2001
I am convinced that anyone who claims to like this steaming turd of a movie only does so to show how "smart and artistic" they are. Because I've asked said people to explain the point of this movie, and they absolutely can't. The whole thing gave me a headache, but that scene with the weird, elderly couple in the paper bag nearly made me vomit in rage. I honestly think that David Lynch made this stinker to he could smoke weed and laugh at all the critics who pontificate about its brilliance.

7. One that scared you: Amityville II: The Possession, 1982
I can't really think of any recent movies that have truly scared me, so I have to pick one that freaked me out when I was younger. I haven't seen this since I was a kid, so I may have to check it out again and see if it's as spooky as I remember. There was one thing in particular about this movie that was very unsettling, and that was when the "demon" spoke to the possessed son through his headphones. I was so afraid to use headphones after seeing that. I still sometimes think of this movie when I wear headphones now. I'm happy to report though that I haven't been possessed as of yet, so you won't all have to die.

8. One that bored you: I Love Your Work, 2003
Because it was so boring, I don't remember much about it. I just know it starred Giovanni Ribisi as an actor who was falling apart, and I think someone was following him. My roommate and I were watching this flick one night, and I was getting progressively angrier as it became progressively dumber. Then, with about 20-30 minutes left in the movie, my roommate asked if we could turn it off for an hour so he could watch some TV show. I was like, "If we turn this off now, I'm not watching the rest of it." He turned it off, I went to bed and never did watch the rest of it. I've never regretted that decision.

9. One that made you happy: Music and Lyrics, 2007
I guess I'll choose this one since I can't use Grease again. I've already reviewed this movie here, so I won't get too in-depth. I'll just say that the combination of Hugh Grant's charm and the fantastic fake '80s songs had me grinning from ear to ear through the entire film.

10. One that made you miserable: Waterloo Bridge, 1940
Strangely enough, even though it makes me miserable, this is one of my favorite movies! (Warning: spoilers ahead!) The first time I saw this was on a lazy weekend when I had absolutely nothing to do. I was flipping through the dial and this was just starting so I figured I'd check it out. It didn't hurt that the lead actor, Robert Taylor, was kind of a hottie. I'd always liked Vivien Leigh too, so it seemed to have promise. It sucked me in right away and I became very invested in the characters and then...Vivien Leigh steps out in front of a damn truck?? WHAT THE HELL??? I was ready to kick in my TV set. Oh, I was so mad at this movie for a long time, but then I realized that it was just too good not to love. I own it on VHS, but I should probably upgrade to the DVD.

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see: Jaws, 1975
I hate sharks. That is all.

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with: There are so many, but since there's nothing I love more than a complete goofball, I'll say Cosmo Brown, from Singin' in the Rain.


13. The last movie you saw: Sex and the City was the last one I saw in the theater, but I just saw Shrek the Third on HBO the other night. I liked them both. I got what I expected out of SATC, and I was pleasantly surprised by Shrek the Third, which was almost as enjoyable as the original. Shrek 2 was shite.

14. The next movie you hope to see: I rarely go to the theater, so whatever’s next in my Netflix queue, I guess. If I would venture out to the theater, it would probably be to see The Dark Knight, although I still haven’t seen Batman Begins. Perhaps I should move that up to the top of my Netflix list?

I won't tag anyone, but feel free to borrow this movie meme for your own bloggy enjoyment!

Video Quiz Answers

Dear nerds who didn't participate in the quiz - Mr. T and his friend, pain, will be paying you a visit this weekend. Don't say we didn't warn you, fools!

Dear procrastinators who meant to participate - I don't wanna hear none of your jibber jabber! You're too late! (Oddly enough, Write Procrastinator turned in his answers in a very timely fashion.)

Dear awesomely cool people who did participate - You shall remain unharmed. And now...here are your answers!

1. L.L. Cool J, "Going Back to Cali"
2. Rick Springfield, "Human Touch"
3. The Cure, "Why Can't I Be You?"
4. Rod Stewart, "Infatuation"
5. Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
6. Fleetwood Mac, "Big Love"
7. Dokken, "Burning Like a Flame"
8. Mary Jane Girls, "In My House"
9. Sammy Hagar, "Give to Live"
10.Flesh For Lulu, "I Go Crazy"

I enjoyed some of the wrong answers, especially Paticus's confusion over whether the person in #7 was Steven Tyler or Chrissie Hynde. Close, but no Don Dokken.

Tying for 3rd place with 11 points were J.C. and the aforementioned Paticus. In 2nd was fellow pop culture junkie, Malcolm with 12, and the big winner of the contest, with 13 points, was...drumroll please...my BFF, Angela! No, I didn't give her any of the answers. She knows her '80s videos, which is reason #54 that we are such good friends.

The BFF and I in the very early '90s. Those were the hair days of our lives.

BeckEye Baracus

Hey, suckas! I don't wanna hear none o' yo jibber-jabber! If you crazy fools don't get on this quiz now, you're gonna meet my friend, pain!

This Just In: Kanye West Still an Asshole

Kanye West is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it anymore!

Borrowing a page from Axl Rose's Book of Self-Righteous Self-Absorbtion, Kanye is taking umbrage at criticism thrown at him stemming from his performance at Bonnaroo, for which he showed up nearly two hours late.

Without even getting into the sheer ridunkulousness of Kanye West being scheduled after Pearl Jam, the whiny rapper claims that his tardiness is the fault of festival organizers, who couldn't load his stage quickly enough after taking down PJ's set. There also seemed to be an inference that maybe it was partially Pearl Jam's fault, because they played for an hour longer than scheduled. (Note: It's not their fault that they're awesome and the fans can't stand to see them go.)

Let's do the math here. According to festival spokesman Ken Weinstein, Pearl Jam's June 15^th set ended at 1:15 am. Kanye's set was scheduled for 2:45 am. He didn't take the stage until 4:25 am. Now, I've been to a lot of concerts in my day, and sometimes the intermission between acts seems like it takes forever. But I have never heard of it taking 3 hours and 10 minutes to set up a stage. That's longer than most concerts last! Also, I've seen Pearl Jam five times. Their set is not that complicated. So, something is definitely fishy with all of that.

Kanye's claim is that the festival organizers are "idiots who didn't really have the capacity to really put on this show properly." Apparently, "this show" is set up as a glow-in-the-dark, sci-fi concept piece, featuring a spaceship and a "Jane screen," whose femme-bot voice speaks to Kanye. Hmm, sounds a lot like Plankton's wife, Karen, on Spongebob Squarepants.

Defending the festival, Weinstein issued the statement that,"Our world-class event production team strives to accommodate the needs of every performer." What he didn't say, but really wished he could was, "But, y'know, Bonnaroo is generally played by artists who actually care about the quality of their MUSIC. And it's generally attended by fans of said MUSIC. Maybe if this jerkoff stopped thinking about himself for a damn second and realized that he was a small part of a large, renowned festival that features many other artists, he might, just for one night, forego staging a giant production for a bunch of tired, sweaty, drunk people who really don't give a shit about all the bells and whistles, and just come out onstage and fricking perform already, like he's getting paid to do."

Pissed off festival-goers greeted Kanye's arrival with chants of "Kanye sucks," some booing and airborne beer bottles, and fellow festival performer Robert Randolph later criticized Kanye onstage for disappointing his fans. Because of all this, and since no one at Bonnaroo stood up for him, Kanye wrote the following on his website: "This Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I've ever had in my life. This is the most offended I've ever been ... this is the maddest I ever will be."

Kanye, I thought what didn't kill you just made you stronger? Why dwell?

And, really, this is the most offended you've ever been? Seriously? Even more than when Bush said that he didn't care about black people? (Well, he never said that, but he really didn't need to.) Or all those times you didn't win a Grammy because someone better than you did? Or that day you tried to go through the express line at the grocery store, but that disrespectful bitch of a cashier told you that you had, like, 33 items and expected you to move to another line? Or that time that dude cut you off in traffic, and then he had the nerve to call 911 when you ran him off the road and started beating his car with a tire iron? Come on, something had to have been worse than this.

And this is not the maddest you will ever be. Don't underestimate the number of people out there unwilling to kiss your ass and give you whatever you want. Your days of complaining aren't over by a long shot. Have faith.

Regardless of What I Say Next, I Would Still Make Out With The Guy

The latest word from behind the scenes at the American Idol tour is that my beloved Michael Johns has grown a mustache, which begs the question - Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

Michael says that he thinks the mustache will do for him what the ascot couldn't. What is he shooting for? Getting a job on the Love Boat? This better not be one of those Johnny Depp I'm-too-gorgeous-for-my-own-good uglification moves.

No pictures have surfaced as of yet, which I'm very thankful for, but the lack of pictorial evidence has also caused my brain to be consumed with thoughts of what horrific facial hair configurations he may be cooking up. Let's take a look at some of the possibilities...

Here is Michael in his natural, glorious, semi-stubbly state:















For a first foray into mustache territory, it's logical that Michael would choose either the classic stache or the porno stache. These two are very similar, but the porno stache is more disheveled. It is also usually accompanied by a bad, fake tan.

Burt Johns	Long Dong Johns

Other, more adventurous possibilities include:

Michael Johns Waters	Miketallica

Adolph Johns	Snidely Whipjohns

I've tried to keep an open mind about this, but I just don't find any of these acceptable. Although this one's kind of cute:





Got Mike?

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

After scaring all of my tuff male readers off last week with that Leo Sayer madness, I've decided to try to win them back with a little bit of ugly boy rock. Break out your air guitars, dudes, and rock out with your you-know-whats out to "Little Suzi," from Tesla's 1986 debut, Mechanical Resonance.

I don't think that Tesla ever got the appreciation that they deserved. They were sort of lumped in with all the slick hair metal bands of the time, but their music was much more rooted in classic rock and their "regular guys" image reflected that. It's unfortunate for them that they were trying to make a go of it in the MTV age because, well, look at poster-boys of rock at the time. Jon Bon Jovi. Vince Neil. Kip Winger. White Lion's Mike Tramp. Now take a peek at good ol' Jeff Keith here. That's definitely a face for radio. The whole band, quite a real motley crew (with the possible exception of guitarist Tommy Skeoch), made it as far as radio could take them. But in the '80s, videos were the music industry's driving force, and Tesla would always take a backseat to the pretty boys.

Those of you who diss this selection can suck it. Tesla 4-evah!!




Mullet Man sez...
Don't forget to take the video quiz, dudes! Scroll down and rock on!

Name That Vid!

Many of you were a bit intimidated by my recent lyrics quiz, so I have a different game for you to play. It doesn't require you to remember any words, just images from all those wasted years spent zoning out in front of MTV, VH-1, Night Tracks, Friday Night Videos, or whatever other mindless music programming you kids could get your hands on. Of course, you will need to know some words in order to type the answers, so let's hope that videos haven't zombified you all completely.

I pretty much swiped the idea for this quiz from Malcolm, who probably swiped the idea at least partially from Remote Control. I love the idea of a screen cap quiz because there is virtually no way for people to Google the answers.

Below, you will find stills from 10 music videos. Your job is to guess the artist (1 pt) and song title (1 pt) that goes with each, making each "question" worth two points. The screen cap clues will get progressively harder as the quiz goes on. Submit your guesses to me via email so that everyone has a chance to play!

Since it's my favorite decade, all videos on this first quiz will be from the '80s!

(Click each photo for a better look!)

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

One Tranny's Hot Mess

Boy George (yes, that's Boy George, not Marlon Brando) has been banned from the U.S.!

Dear God...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Okay, I'm over it now.

Boy was planning an American tour for the first time since the '90s, but since he has a trial pending in the U.K. for allegedly keeping a love slave chained up in his house (awesome), U.S. officials are afraid his mere presence might taint our amber waves of grain and fruited plains. (I'm sure if he were some random dude from a third-world country willing to work for $1.00 an hour picking fruit from those plains, there would be no problem. But, whatever.) Ohh, this is a deliciously over-the-top reality show waiting to happen.

Rumor has it that the Feds have cut a deal with George. They'll let him back into the country if he agrees to change the lyrics of "Karma Chameleon" to Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream/Red, white and blue/Red, white and blue-oooh-ooh-ooh.*


*I refuse to make an unoriginal "do they really want to hurt him/me" pun.

Me Be Famous Someday

I've recently signed on as a contributing writer with entertaiment website, Starpulse.com. You can check out my first assignment here. I can be found on page #4 of the "Favorite Summer Songs" article. For some reason, my intro paragraph wasn't included, but it was something truly poetic, folks. Either it was accidentally omitted, or they left it out because they were afraid it might have caused the entire Internet to collapse under the weight of its brilliance. Hell, that's why I reconsidered my decision to just post it here.

EDIT: Heyyyy, they added my intro back in!

Yeah, okay, so it's not really that brilliant.

I Guess That Last Post Should've Been Titled "Look Out Rydell High"

Dody Goodman (known for many things but she'll always be blubbering Blanche to me) just died.

New theory: this avalanche of celeb deaths hit soon after Coldplay released their album about Death and all his friends.

Chris Martin, you evil emo bastard, when you start messing with Grease actors, you mess with me. If anything happens to Michael Tucci, you might just find a box on your front step with Gwyneth's head in it.


Now I just had a really funny vision of Gwynnie's disembodied head saying, "I feel like a meatball in here." You people who aren't laughing at that...yeah, you really need to watch Grease a hundred more times or so.

Look Out, Johnny Squares

After hearing that comedy legend George Carlin passed away yesterday, I found myself wondering if there's some kind of mad celeb disease going around. Famous folks are dropping like flies lately. In the last 30 days, we've lost Carlin, dancer Cyd Charisse, sportscaster Charlie Jones, political reporter Tim Russert, blues man Bo Diddley, designer Yves Saint-Laurent, Pittsburgh Steelers great Dwight White, comedian Harvey Korman, actor/director Sydney Pollack and comedian Dick Martin. It's long been known that celebrities die in groups of threes, but what are they doing now? Going in groups of thirty-threes? When will the Grim Reaper take a rest, or at least swing by Paris Hilton's place?

Oh come on now, I'm just kidding. I would never wish death on Paris. That's letting her off too easy.

It's Official

Summer is here. Mothers, lock up your watermelons.
Eeeexxcellent.

Answers to the Lyrics Quiz

Thanks to the 15 brave souls who participated in The Pop Eye's lyrics quiz v 2.0! You've all done Mama proud but, as with everything in life, there has to be a winner.

To those who know her, it should come as no surprise that magnificent music maven, Beth, took the top prize. She managed to score a 65 out of a possible 72...and there weren't even any R.E.M. lyrics involved! Beth, the BeckEye bobble head doll is in the mail.

Congratulations also to Angell and Dguzman, who came in 2nd and 3rd, respectively. Maybe you'll both get a picture of Beth holding the bobble head doll one of these days. Who knows?

And now to the answers!

'60s
Level 1
1. I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis/She tried to take me upstairs for a ride - "Honky Tonk Women," Rolling Stones
2. I'm a-walkin' in the rain/Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain/Wishing you were here by me to end this misery - "Runaway," Del Shannon
3. If I should call you up, invest a dime/And you say you belong to me and ease my mind/Imagine how the world could be, so very fine - "Happy Together," The Turtles

Level 2
1. I don't know why she's ridin' so high/She ought to think twice, she ought to do right by me/Before she gets to sayin' goodbye/She ought to think twice, she out to do right by me - "Ticket to Ride," The Beatles
2. Left alone with just a memory/Life seems dead and so unreal/All that's left is loneliness/There's nothing left to feel - "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," Dusty Springfield
3. I started my life in an old, cold run down tenement slum/My father left, he never even married mom - "Love Child," Diana Ross & The Supremes

Level 3
1. Take these eager lips and hold me fast/I'm afraid this kind of joy can't last/How can we keep love alive/How can anything survive - "Town Without Pity," Gene Pitney
2. You wander around on your own little cloud/When you don't see the why or the wherefore/You walk out on me when we both disagree/'Cause to reason is not what you care for - "Don't Sleep in the Subway," Petula Clark
3. And even if time ain't really on my side/It's one of those days for taking a walk outside/I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun/And fall on my face on somebody's new-mown lawn - "Daydream," The Lovin' Spoonful (I would've also accepted Jason Castro just 'cause he's so dreamy.)

'70s
Level 1
1. Sittin' here, eatin' my heart out waitin'/Waitin' for some lover to call/Dialed about a thousand numbers lately/Almost rang the phone off the wall - "Hot Stuff," Donna Summer
2. Nibblin' on sponge cake/Watchin' the sun bake/All of those tourists covered with oil - "Margaritaville," Jimmy Buffett
3. Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas/You know he knows just exactly what the facts is/He's not gonna let those two escape justice/He makes his living off of the people's taxes - "Take the Money and Run," The Steve Miller Band

Level 2
1. I was a willow last night in a dream/I bent down over a clear running stream/I sang you the song that I heard up above/And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love - "Crazy on You," Heart
2. The sun ain't nearly on the rise, and we still got the moon and stars above/Underneath the velvet skies/Love is all that matters, won't you stay with me? - "Lay Down Sally," Eric Clapton
3. Hey, what gives you the right/To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep Mother Nature in/If God was here, He'd tell you to your face/Man you're some kinda sinner - "Signs," Five Man Electrical Band

Level 3
1. If you choose to you can live your life alone/Some people choose the city/Some others choose the good old family home/I like living easy without family ties/'Til the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me right between the eyes - "Philadelphia Freedom," Elton John
2. Some things are better left unsaid/I'm gonna spend my days in bed/I'll walk the streets at night/To be hidden by the city lights - "Love is Like Oxygen," Sweet (or The Sweet)
3. There was a time when I was in a hurry as you are/I was like you/There was a day when I just had to tell my point of view/I was like you - "Have You Never Been Mellow," Olivia Newton-John

'80s
Level 1
1. Strange voices are saying (oh, what did they say?)/Things I can't understand/It's too close for comfort/This heat has got right out of hand - "Cruel Summer," Bananarama
2. At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford/Behind the bushes, until I'm screaming for more - "Talk Dirty to Me," Poison
3. They say that the road ain't no place to start a family/Right down the line it's been you and me - "Faithfully," Journey

Level 2
1. Now he's in control, he is my lover/Nations stand against him, he's your brother/Been a long time, been a long time now/I'll get to you somehow - "Situation," Yaz
2. You run, run, run away/It's your heart that you betray/Feeding on your hungry eyes/I bet you're not so civilized - "The Warrior," Scandal
3. I sell the things you need to be/I'm the smiling face on your TV/I'm the ____ __ _____/I exploit you, still you love me/I tell you one and one makes three - "Cult of Personality," Living Colour

Level 3
1. Feel the breeze deep on the inside look you down into your well/If you can you'll see the world in all his fire/Take a chance like all dreamers can't find another way/You don't have to dream it all just live a day - "Save A Prayer," Duran Duran
2. Kissing like a bandit stealing time/Underneath a sycamore tree/Cupid by the hour sends valentines/To my sweet lover and me - "Wishing Well," Terence Trent D'Arby
3. You wish you had a motor boat/To pose around the harbor bar/And when the sun goes off to bed/You hook it up behind the car - "Pulling Mussels (From The Shell)," Squeeze

'90s
Level 1
1. Freezin', rests his head on a pillow made of concrete again/Oh, feelin' maybe he'll see a little better set a days - "Even Flow," Pearl Jam
2. Oh, once upon a midnight dearie/I woke with something in my head/I couldn't escape the memory of a phone call and of what you said - "Run-Around," Blues Traveler
3. I can feel something inside me say/I really don't think you're strong enough - "Believe," Cher

Level 2
1. But lovers always come and lovers always go/And no one's really sure who's letting go today/Walking away/If we could take the time to lay it on the line/I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine - "November Rain," Guns N' Roses
2. You seem very well, things look peaceful/I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know/Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity? - "You Oughta Know," Alanis Morrisette
3. 'Cause you're a human ____/A solar superman/You're an angel with wings afire/A flying giant friction blast - "Supernova," Liz Phair

Level 3
1. Can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way/You're so beautiful with an edge and a charm/But so careful when I'm in your arms - "Building A Mystery," Sarah McLachlan
2. I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid/I use a word that don't mean nothin' like looptid/I sang on Doowhutchalike and if ya missed it/I'm the one who said just grab 'em in the biscuits - "The Humpty Dance," Digital Underground
3. Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue/Thought I heard you talking softly/I turned on the lights, the tv and the radio/Still I can't escape the ghost of you - "Ordinary World," Duran Duran (Ha! I snuck in two Duran songs!)

I found it kind of interesting that the most commonly guessed incorrect answer was the Rolling Stones' "Brown Sugar" instead of "Honky Tonk Women." That's kind of odd. I never really thought those two songs sounded very much alike! Do they?

Gene Pitney and Petula Clark seemed to be the biggest stumpers, while just about everyone knew Donna Summer and Journey. A lot of you obviously knew the Yaz song, but either didn't know the name of the band or thought the song was called "Move Out." It really should be called "Move Out." It makes more sense.

Finally, I'm distressed that so many people didn't know the first line of Pearl Jam's "Even Flow," a song title which, contrary to popular belief, is two words, not one. It's not about baby bottles, people! I have also vowed to give Malcolm a good, swift kick in the rear if I ever meet him for thinking that Eddie Vedder's lyrics came from Phil effing Collins. *shudder*

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Firecrotch: The Next Generation - Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth this morning, after only being knocked up for what seemed like a month. The bouncing baby girl was named Maddie. In future news: Maddie Spears is charged with an FUI for wrecklessly flying her jetpack through Hollywood. As part of her sentence, she enters Dr. Drew Pinski, Jr.'s rehab facility/tanning salon on Mars. A throng of robot photographers are on hand when she checks in, and they all luck out when she flashes her beav trying to get out of the police shuttle.

Ringo Starr Steals John Lennon's Act - Instead of wishing Ringo a "Happy Birthday" on July 7, the drummer is requesting that all Americans celebrate it as "Peace and Love Day," by saying "peace and love" in unison when the clock strikes noon. If Ringo really wanted this to work, he'd realize that the way to an American's heart is through paid time off. Unless he can see to it that Peace and Love Day becomes an official holiday, it's going to be war and hate as usual.

Pam and Tommy: Take Infinity - Seems that Pamela Anderson has moved back in with Tommy Lee and their two sons. Tommy told Rolling Stone, "It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together." Tommy, dude, I hate to break it to you but the kids' faces have been frozen in those same wide-eyed expressions ever since one of their buddies from school showed them your sex tape. They will never know true "happiness" again!

Guns N' Roses Are Back, Man! - DUDES!! Nine songs from the fabled G N' R album, Chinese Democracy, have been leaked to the Internet and...oh...hold up. Nope, they're gone. Were they ever really there or is this another publicity stunt/hoax? All I know is that if this record ever surfaces, it better be pretty damn groundbreaking if it's going to live up to 13 years of hype. It's gotta be at least as good as Eddie and The Cruisers' Season in Hell.

Base-a-ball Been Berry Berry Good To Some - Yahoo! Sports released its list of the most overpaid and underpaid people in baseball. Let me sum up. Most overpaid: All major league players and coaches. Most underpaid: Peanut vendors, organists, groundskeepers, ticket sellers, ticket takers, mascots, towel boys, seat ushers and, of course, the fans.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's video is for all of you folks out there who often wonder, "What kind of wonderful world would it be if there were more than one Leo Sayer?" Well, unless he's cast in Multiplicity II or cloned for realz, this rare clip provides us with our only glimpse into such a Utopian universe.

It also reminds us all, again, that white men can't dance. Not even with the help of a giant afro. In fact, that giant brillo pad on his head hurts more than it helps. (How many times do I have to tell these crackers that Lindsey Buckingham is the only one who can successfully pull off the white man 'fro?)

Upon watching this again, I'd really like to know who the "you" was in "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing." Whoever YOU are, YOU need to be slapped. See what YOU put us all through?? This video perfectly illustrates why you shouldn't always do what you feel.



While the visuals are lame, this is a damn catchy song. If you don't think so, blame my BFF, Angela, who requested it. I'm not sure what prompted her to do so. I think she had an erotic dream in which she was using Leo as a loofah.


Leo sez..."Don't forget to take the lyrics quiz! Scroll down!"

Dat's Da Name of Dat Tune

UDPATE: The feedback on my lyrics quiz so far has mostly been along the lines of "Waaah, it's too hard!" So, I've decided to make it a little easier on you. Don't say I never did anything for you people.

I'm going to add either the preceding or following line to each set of lyrics to give you all a bit more to work with. In the event that the next line would include the actual song title, I'll just leave little blanks. Now, play and have fun, dammit! The winner gets a BeckEye bobble head doll!*

*Bobble head doll may or may not exist.

It's time for another Pop Eye lyrics quiz!

I'm breaking this up two ways: by decades and levels of difficulty. (Of course, difficulty level is a bit subjective, so forgive me if some are ridiculously easy or unbelievably hard.) There will be 3 songs in each level, so each decade will be represented by 9 songs. There are no limits on genre, but I promise not to include anything weird like those Benedictine Monk chants that were so popular back in the early '90s. (I actually used to have that Chant CD, until it started to scare the shit out of me and I had to get rid of it.)

Each question is worth two points - one for the correct song title and one for the correct artist.

Please submit your answers to me via email, so that everyone has a chance to play. Answers will be posted some time next week, or whenever I get around to it.

Good luck and have fun! All I ask is that you be honest. Do NOT Google these lyrics. Of course, I have no way of policing that, but just know that if you cheat on a trivia quiz, then you're a real turd.

'60s
Level 1
1. I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis/She tried to take me upstairs for a ride
2. I'm a-walkin' in the rain/Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain/Wishing you were here by me to end this misery
3. If I should call you up, invest a dime/And you say you belong to me and ease my mind/Imagine how the world could be, so very fine

Level 2
1. I don't know why she's ridin' so high/She ought to think twice, she ought to do right by me/Before she gets to sayin' goodbye/She ought to think twice, she out to do right by me
2. Left alone with just a memory/Life seems dead and so unreal/All that's left is loneliness/There's nothing left to feel
3. I started my life in an old, cold run down tenement slum/My father left, he never even married mom

Level 3
1. Take these eager lips and hold me fast/I'm afraid this kind of joy can't last/How can we keep love alive/How can anything survive
2. You wander around on your own little cloud/When you don't see the why or the wherefore/You walk out on me when we both disagree/'Cause to reason is not what you care for
3. And even if time ain't really on my side/It's one of those days for taking a walk outside/I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun/And fall on my face on somebody's new-mown lawn

'70s
Level 1
1. Sittin' here, eatin' my heart out waitin'/Waitin' for some lover to call/Dialed about a thousand numbers lately/Almost rang the phone off the wall
2. Nibblin' on sponge cake/Watchin' the sun bake/All of those tourists covered with oil
3. Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas/You know he knows just exactly what the facts is/He's not gonna let those two escape justice/He makes his living off of the people's taxes

Level 2
1. I was a willow last night in a dream/I bent down over a clear running stream/I sang you the song that I heard up above/And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love
2. The sun ain't nearly on the rise, and we still got the moon and stars above/Underneath the velvet skies/Love is all that matters, won't you stay with me?
3. Hey, what gives you the right/To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep Mother Nature in/If God was here, He'd tell you to your face/Man you're some kinda sinner

Level 3
1. If you choose to you can live your life alone/Some people choose the city/Some others choose the good old family home/I like living easy without family ties/'Til the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me right between the eyes
2. Some things are better left unsaid/I'm gonna spend my days in bed/I'll walk the streets at night/To be hidden by the city lights
3. There was a time when I was in a hurry as you are/I was like you/There was a day when I just had to tell my point of view/I was like you

'80s
Level 1
1. Strange voices are saying (oh, what did they say?)/Things I can't understand/It's too close for comfort/This heat has got right out of hand
2. At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford/Behind the bushes, until I'm screaming for more
3. They say that the road ain't no place to start a family/Right down the line it's been you and me

Level 2
1. Now he's in control, he is my lover/Nations stand against him, he's your brother/Been a long time, been a long time now/I'll get to you somehow
2. You run, run, run away/It's your heart that you betray/Feeding on your hungry eyes/I bet you're not so civilized
3. I sell the things you need to be/I'm the smiling face on your TV/I'm the ____ __ _____/I exploit you, still you love me/I tell you one and one makes three

Level 3
1. Feel the breeze deep on the inside look you down into your well/If you can you'll see the world in all his fire/Take a chance like all dreamers can't find another way/You don't have to dream it all just live a day
2. Kissing like a bandit stealing time/Underneath a sycamore tree/Cupid by the hour sends valentines/To my sweet lover and me
3. You wish you had a motor boat/To pose around the harbor bar/And when the sun goes off to bed/You hook it up behind the car

'90s
Level 1
1. Freezin', rests his head on a pillow made of concrete again/Oh, feelin' maybe he'll see a little better set a days
2. Oh, once upon a midnight dearie/I woke with something in my head/I couldn't escape the memory of a phone call and of what you said
3. I can feel something inside me say/I really don't think you're strong enough*

*Uh, I can't give any more of this one away. Here's a hint: this singer's voice was auto-tuned out the wazoo.

Level 2
1. But lovers always come and lovers always go/And no one's really sure who's letting go today/Walking away/If we could take the time to lay it on the line/I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine
2. You seem very well, things look peaceful/I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know/Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
3. 'Cause you're a human ____/A solar superman/You're an angel with wings afire/A flying giant friction blast

Level 3
1. Can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way/You're so beautiful with an edge and a charm/But so careful when I'm in your arms
2. I get stoopid, I shoot an arrow like Cupid/I use a word that don't mean nothin' like looptid/I sang on Doowhutchalike and if ya missed it/I'm the one who said just grab 'em in the biscuits
3. Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue/Thought I heard you talking softly/I turned on the lights, the tv and the radio/Still I can't escape the ghost of you

Don't Slip on the Grease, Oldsters

Ok...a double polar burger with everything and a cherry soda with chocolate ice cream is...$15.00?? What year is this??

Can you believe that Grease premiered 30 years ago today?

And, can you believe that a better movie has yet to be made?

It's interesting...knowing that this film has been around for three decades makes me feel pretty old, but watching it immediately makes me feel like a wide-eyed kid. From 5 to 35, this movie has been my most consistent source of instant joy.

Oh, Grease. You and I...we just go together. Like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong. And we always will. I can only hope to still be doing the hand jive 30 years from now.

Remember the Trite Ones

As we all know, movies are often riddled with clichés, with some genres worse offenders than others. Horror flicks have their indestructable killers, rom-coms have their wacky misunderstandings, and no buddy cop movie ever met an officer on the brink of retirement that it didn't want to rub out. Some overused plot devices (cars that won't start, guns that never run out of bullets, the loose cannons who get "taken off the case," etc) get all the attention, but this post is dedicated to the clichés that specifically bother me and know no genre bounds.

1. The inappropriately-timed joke.
Why is it that, when in the midst of a dangerous situation or crisis, at least one person remains just calm enough to crack wise? Gee, that's so much like real life. Like in Jurassic Park, when Malcolm is mere inches from being eaten by a T-Rex, yet manages to quip, "You think they'll have that on the tour?" Or even in Pulp Fiction, after Vincent gives Mia the adrenaline shot and she jumps up with the syringe sticking out of her chest. When Jody says, "If you're okay, say something," Mia replies, "something" without missing a beat.

2. Walking hard...through traffic. This is when a character determinedly walks (or runs) across a busy city street, putting his hand up to tell oncoming cars, "Hey, make way for me! I have important shit to do!" The first example of this that comes to mind is at the end of Night Shift, and is meant to demonstrate Chuck's transformation from shy guy to tough dude. It actually doesn't annoy me too much in that movie, because it's hilarious and one of my all-time faves. Unfortunately, I can't think of another movie off the top of my head that employs this device, but I know I've seen it a bunch of times.

3. The repeated line. This happens most often in action movies, but has turned up in other genres. This is when one character says something very wise, funny, or otherwise memorable, which another character adopts later in the movie. It's generally used to show some type of lesson learned or to demonstrate the progression of the characters' relationship. This is always hokey. Again, this happens all the damn time but I can only think of one example right this minute. In the movie Shoot to Kill, Sidney Poitier's character asks Tom Berenger's character, "Do you mountainmen do this kind of shit a lot?" to which Berenger replies, "Every damn day!" The end of the movie finds Poitier injured on a stretcher, about to be carted off to the hospital and a smiley Berenger comes over and asks, "Do you FBI men do this kind of shit a lot?" One guess as to what Poitier's reply was.

4. First kiss = first screw. This doesn't happen in too many rom-coms, where the long, drawn out courtship between the main characters is a necessity and sex is treated with more fun. However, in almost every other genre, it seems like when two characters finally decide they like each other, they kiss. They draw back, look at each other, kiss again and next thing you know, they're rolling around under the sheets, soaping up in the shower or pinning each other up against the wall. Most of the time, they haven't even had a proper date. Oh, and it's interesting that these women are never caught unprepared. The legs are always shaved, the b-line is always waxed, and the bra and panties are always a sexy, matching set.

5. Driving is always dangerous.
Unless it's a road trip or cop movie, you rarely see characters driving anywhere. Generally, if there is a scene with someone driving a car that lasts for more than a minute, there is either going to be a horrible accident or they're going to pick up a drifter who will promptly kill them.

If you can think of any better examples of these, please let me know. And while you're at it, tell me what clichés you hate.

'80s movies are notorious for cramming in as many clichés as possible but, for some reason, I actually enjoy them. I don't watch John Hughes movies over and over because of the intricate plot twists and turns. I watch them to root for the dorky girl to land the cool guy, hear some awesome synth music and, most of all, to see that slow-building clap.

The video below, appropriately titled '80s Ending, beautifully combines all the best movie clichés of that great decade. Enjoy.

AtomFilms.com

The Lesbian List

Lately, I've been thinking about all the "sexy men" lists I've posted (actors here, musicians here) and, when I stopped drooling, I wondered if my male and lesbian readership were feeling slighted. Therefore, I'm going to give a little time to the gals. Not as much as I gave to the men because, as lovely as some of these ladies are, none of them have the power to make me switch teams.

BeckEye's Big 5 Bodacious Babes

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones. She might be the most stunning looking person -male or female - I've ever seen in my life. So, what I said before about no woman having the power to make me switch teams? Well, CZJ, if you read that, I was just kidding! You are all-powerful, oh great one. I actually sat through The Haunting more than once because of you. Every time something went wrong with my cell phone, I was hoping that the T-Mobile gods would send you to fix it. Why you're with that wrinkly old dude I will never know.

2. Daniela Pestova. A Victoria's Secret model who dominated the catalogs in the '90s. My only blonde. She looks like a Nordic Goddess, but she's actually from the less sexy Czech Republic.

3. Zooey Deschanel. She's really shot to the top of my lesbian list in recent years. But, no, she is not the reason that I've seen Elf a zillion times. I like her better as a brunette. Plus, I'd rather get it on with Will Ferrell. But, hey, he's married.


4. Adriana Lima. A Victoria's Secret model who has dominated the catalogs for much of the new millennium. She's from Brazil, where everyone is hot and spicy. I have no idea why I've never made a trip there.


5. Eliza Dushku. No, she is not the reason that I've seen Bring It On a zillion times. I'm just really full of cheer. Plus, I'd rather get it on with Jesse Bradford.




So, do I have better taste in women than I do in men? As you can see, my "type" in both sexes is remarkably similar. I'm generally a big fan of thick, dark, tousled hair and pouty lips. I guess I'm just attracted to the qualities that I covet the most.

There Will Be Blood: Part Deux

Oh, Yahoo headline writers. You've made my day.

Nashville Star 6 - Yes, There Really Have Been Five Seasons

Yee-haw! I've decided to start doing Nashville Star recaps to help take the edge off my Idol-less life. Consider the show my methadone clinic. However, it is summer (no it's not technically summer, but I saw three people spontaneously combust on the way to work today) so I can't promise that I'll keep up with this as regularly as the AI recaps.

Although I love my American Idol, there are many ways in which Nashville Star is superior:

1. They eliminate a lot of the bullshit. No seemingly endless weeks of auditions and perverse humiliation of mental defectives. No hour-long, heavily sponsored waste of airwaves known as "the results show." In the first 15 minutes, the huge field of hopefuls was quickly whittled down to the Final 12 and we were promised another cut at the end of the show. Yes! Yes! Faster!!
2. There is no age limit. Now, I know some people think that there should be an age limit, but I never understood why any age is too late to start a music career, especially when there's no set age for musical retirement. (Menudo is obviously the exception to this.)
3. The contestants get to perform original songs. At least they did all the other years. I'm assuming this won't change. If it does, I'll be bitching about it.
4. The group sings aren't very Brady. If the "group sings" are necessary, at least these ones don't have ridiculous choreography that will have the contestants praying for a runaway tractor to end their collective misery.
   
5. The show is actually embraced by country music. Since AI is pop music-centric and often promotes style over substance, most rockers and indie musicians look down on it. (This may or may not change with David Cook's recent win.) However, Nashville Star has never had a problem getting the top country stars to appear on the show, and they all agree that it's good for the genre.
   
6. The judges actually do something. Instead of just hurling smartly-crafted insults or telling crappy singers that their outfits are nice, the judges (who also know a lot more about music than the AI judges) will also act as mentors to the contestants beginning with the second episode.

Of course, with the good comes the bad:

1. No Michael Johns. Not that there could ever be another.
2. No Simon Cowell. Not that there could ever be another. It's kind of refreshing to have three judges who are equally honest, but none of them have old Si's charisma. The judges this year are singer/poetess/snaggletooth Jewel, singer/songwriter John Rich (of Big & Rich), and songwriter/producer Jeffrey Steele, who looks like an extra from Point Break.
   
3. No Ryan Seacrest. Not that there could...um, no. Okay, so Ryan can get on my nerves, but I've never appreciated him more than now. Nashville Star's host is Mr. Achy Breaky himself, Billy Ray Cyrus. You know he only got that job because of his daughter. That's pretty pathetic. But not more so than his feeble attempts to recreate Keith Urban's hairdo.
4. Duos and Trios allowed. This is a new thing for this season. At first I thought it was kind of cool that the contest was open to more than just solo acts, but then I realized that it's probably too difficult to judge a trio against a solo singer. A group of people can bring a much fuller sound, so they may have an unfair advantage. Everyone's a sucker for tight harmonies.
   
5. Fireworks for everyone! Yeah, the fireworks displays were a bit much. When the judges were introduced, a big bang went off behind them. Special guest Taylor Swift's performance had more pyrotechnics than a KISS concert. I swear there were fireworks going off every five minutes. It was like Pittsburgh in the summer. (The yinzers will love this joke 'n at.)

Now that you're pretty much up to speed with the show's format, let's dig in to episode 1!

Before any of the contestants peformed, Taylor Swift took the stage to sing her ode to a redneck who loved his pickup truck more than her (a theme you just don't hear enough in country music), "Picture to Burn." I don't know where this girl came from, but over the last couple of years she's just been everywhere. She's like the secret love child of Faith Hill and I don't know...probably some guy with a fake twang who can't sing very well.


Pearl Heart was the first of the Top 12 acts. Hmm, a trio of girls chose to cover a Dixie Chicks song. Points for originality: -2. However, their version of "Wide Open Spaces" was pleasant enough to bring their score back to the positive side. Rich and Steele (sounds like an '80s buddy-cop TV drama) both dug the "family harmony" and Jewel's advice was centered on the lead singer. She told her that in order to work as a frontwoman, she'd have to "own people and murder 'em." (Hmm. Close, Jewel, but no Paula.) To me, the lead Pearl looks like a more feminine version of k.d. lang. I guess that makes her Jake Gyllenhall?

Up next was Tommy Stanley, a Navy boy with janky teeth who Chris Slighed his way through "Walking In Memphis." (For the non-Idol fans, that means "he sang ahead of the music.") He had a decent voice though, and he's a sailor, so there's no way in hell he'll be voted off any time soon. Rich thought he over-sang, Steele wasn't sold on him, but Jewel liked the song. Billy Ray made sure to remind everyone that Tommy is "an American hero," ensuring that only Commie bastards will vote against him.

Shawn Mayer the chick, not to be confused with John Mayer the dud (no, I didn't forget the "e"), proved that she takes her boyish name seriously by telling America that she's a mechanic, a pig farmer, and a volunteer firefighter. She didn't take Janis Joplin seriously, as evidenced by her Faith Hill-y version of "Piece of My Heart." I thought she was pretty average, as did the judges, but they told her that they knew she was "better than that."

Trio Third Town broke out a blast from my past with the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" or, as I used to call it when I was little, "The Oom-Pah-Pah Song." They weren't great. I had a hard time taking them seriously anyway because of their appearance. They were two big oafs bookending a little dude who could've been the missing member of Avenged Sevenfold. Weird. And no, I'm not putting "style over substance," because they had neither. Jewel didn't think they sounded "modern" enough, Rich was concerned with their lack of a "defining sound," and Steele tried to zap 'em with a Cowell-ism by comparing them to a band at "a county fair." He just came off as a jerk. Maybe it's the lack of British accent. Maybe it's also because he looks like a 40 year-old guy who still hangs out at his old frat house on the weekends.

Next up was Coffey (not Beth), a cute model/single dad who looks like someone famous...and it's driving me crazy trying to figure out who. What is with the one-named black men who like country music all of a sudden? First it was Chikezie, and now Coffey? I'm not being a racist fat whore here, it's just an observation. Country music has always been blindingly white, save a few exceptions like Charley Pride and Cowboy Troy, the latter of whom co-hosted NS in Seasons 4 & 5. (They need to kick Miley's Dad off and get Troy back.) His cover of "Drift Away" was fairly enjoyable, but Jewel thought he was a real gem. Heh. Rich and Steele started veering into "pitchy" talk, which prompted a kind of uncomfortably funny bitch session between Jewel and Rich, who dissed Jewel for sometimes being pitchy herself. I thought she was gonna sink her fang into his jugular, but time didn't permit.

The teenybopper duo of Laura and Sophie covered "Stand By Your Man," which seemed like an odd choice for two girls who aren't even out of high school yet. They had pretty good harmony, but the judges hooted and hollered like the girls just split the atom. Wow. Serious over-pimpage of these two. Maybe someone should introduce one (or both) to Little Lord Archuleroy.

Gabe Garcia twanged his way through "All My Exes Live in Texas." Jewel and Rich were having a ball two-stepping, while Blonde Steele looked like he was shooting daggers at the stage. Strangely enough, when it came to the critique, he didn't say anything bad. But then he didn't really say anything that made a whole lot of sense. Just something about Gabe needing to "put more starch in his shirt." Again...close, but no Paula.

With her eyes a-poppin', Alyson Gilbert, brought out her inner pageant queen to sing Sara Evans' "Suds in the Bucket." Wow, she made some crazy faces. I hate when you're looking at someone and their facial expressions are so wild that it makes you make the same faces, you know what I mean? That's this chick. Therefore, I should hate her. I don't, though. Steele thought she was grrrrreat, but the other two really gave her a hard time. It seemed like they were unreasonably harsh just because of her nutty facial contortions. Did they not hear her sing? She has a much stronger voice than a lot of the other contestants.

Alyson certainly has a stronger voice than Ashlee Hewitt, who took the stage next to sing "Bubbly," that Colbie Caillat song that won't go away. She reminded me of a Britney impersonator trying to get a job as a Jewel impersonator. I wasn't impressed. The judges all gave her good marks though, so I'm starting to wonder if this show isn't just as concerned about image as AI.

Big goober Charley Jenkins immediately got on my bad side when he headed out into the audience to sing "I Like It, I Love It" and fondle the girls in the front row. Bah. Jewel didn't "buy" his act, Rich felt like he was watching a Garth Brooks impersonator in Vegas, and Blonde Steele finally came up with a good one by proclaiming, "I don't like it, I hate it, I want no more of it." What can I say, I'm a sucker for puns...especially musical ones.

Then it was time for a healthy dose of hotness in the form of Justin Gastin, a part-time model with the thick, tousled, dark hair that I love so much. Oh, don't worry, my darling Michael is in no danger of being replaced anytime soon, but I am human. I can't not look at this fine specimen. His pre-performance video had some nice shots of him in his undies. If his first performance is any indication, he might need to start singing in his briefs. It wasn't that great. Not only did he cover that ultra-cruddy Train song, "Drops of Jupiter," but he sang it like he was trying to lull himself to sleep. Unsurprisingly, the two guys didn't like it, but Jewel was enjoying herself. She criticized him as nicely as possible, by telling him "when you look that good, you have to sing that much better." Maybe they could bring Michael on as a special guest mentor for this guy.

The last performance was by Melissa Lawson, who is kind of Wynonna-ish. She's a bit chunky with reddish hair and she makes a lot of evil, fart-sniffing expressions when she sings. She belted out "Something to Talk About" to the delight of all of the judges, none of whom said a word about her weight. Never was Simon's absence so noticeable.

Before the phone lines were opened to the public, the judges had to thin out the herd. I thought that Third Town should have been booted, but the judges' two least favorite performers were Charley and Alyson. Majority ruled, so Blondie and Snaggletooth's votes sent Charley home. I can't argue with that choice. He was a doofus.

Next week, the person(s) who gets the least amount of viewer votes will be eliminated. I hope it's Third Town. That little emo bumpkin creeps me out.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

After watching Nashville Star last night, I realized that I've never posted a country video as my forgotten classic. What is that collective groan I'm hearing? Screw you, country haters! Without country, there would be no rock as we know it, so stick that in your cheek and chew it.

You may not make fun of Ronnie Milsap. First of all, the guy's a country legend. And secondly, he's blind, for God's sake. I bet those of you already made fun of him (I know someone sarcastically called him "Ronnie Milcrap") feel like real assholes now, eh?

Ronnie had a hit with this Burt Bacharach song, "Any Day Now," in 1982, although it was originally recorded by Elvis in the late '60s. Personally, I've always liked Ronnie's version better, as it was one of my faves from childhood.



This is just to tide you over until I can get to my Nashville Star recap tonight. Yes, indeedy! I know it's not American Idol, but it's a show with lots of singing wannabes and at least one annoying judge, so it will have to do. I know that about 0.8% of my audience likes country music (hi, sister dear) and you aren't watching this show, so you're probably thinking that you won't enjoy this recap (or recaps, if I decide to continue), but you will! It'll be better than watching, I promise! I'll be snarky, I swear! Read me!! Love me!!!

An Inconvenient Truth: Spring is Dead

It's so hot today. How hot is it? Uhhh...hot enough to fry my brain. I can't seem to compare this stifling heat to anything, so I'll let some other folks explain it for me.


It's hot. Hot. Hotter than hell. - Paul Stanley






It's gettin' hot in herre, so take off all your clothes. - Nelly




Me mind on fire. Me soul on fire. Feelin' hot hot hot. - Buster Poindexter






It's too hot. Too hot, lady! Gotta run for shelter. Gotta run for shade. - Robert "Kool" Bell (and his gang)

Punday

For anyone who's ever wondered where Randy Jackson works during American Idol's off-season...


As most of you know, I can't resist a good pun. So, imagine my delight when I found Best Week Ever's list of the 50 Greatest Pun Stores. It's pretty awesome. You might even say that there are some big laughs in store for anyone who reads it.

Wheeee

David Archuleta was already feeling a bit down after losing American Idol when he had to cancel a concert set up by his crazy dad, since it wasn't approved by his owners, er, managers. Michael and I hated seeing him so sad, so we whisked him off to Disney World. Boy, you should've seen how excited he was to meet Chip 'n Dale. (He thinks they're Mormons. Shhhh.)


While we were there, an exec from Jive Records called and offered Little Archie a record deal. We were so excited that we rode Space Mountain twice! Well, Michael and I did. Archie wasn't tall enough. But, we bought him a Coke.

Caption Crotch-test Contest #11

"Though scientists said it couldn't be done, Fergie manages to simultaneously shit out of two orifices."

I have to give a shout out to Doorknob Dan, who just kept on captioning and never quit. That's the mark of a true winner. But not on this blog.

This is the second month in a row that I needed help from the good ol' BFF to pick the contest winner, as it was a tight race between Pistols at Dawn and Splotchy. Pistols prevailed, making this the first time that Pistols has ever said the right thing to a woman (let alone two). Making it more exciting is the fact that he is the first person to ever win the Firecrotch award twice! If he goes for three, I'll have to give him some penicillin along with the badge.


Display this proudly, Pistols. Remember, I know you know how to post pictures now.

Swearing is Cool. So are Guns.

Actor Dennis Farina, best known for his tough-guy roles on TV's Law & Order and in movies like Midnight Run and Get Shorty*, was recently nailed with three misdemeanor weapons charges after trying to board a plane with a loaded gun last month.

Unlike other celebs who blame all their problems on other people, Farina said, "It is my own stupidity to find myself in this embarrassing situation." However, he quickly followed that up by turning to the arresting officer and shouting, "Fuck you, fuckball!" Then he shot everyone.

Dang. There really should be a Dennis Farina soundboard somewhere on the Internetz.


*He was also in that really awful movie, Striking Distance, with Bruce Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker. It only deserves mention because, not only was it filmed in Pittsburgh, but in the scene where Bruce and John Mahoney are driving in their squad car, they pass my Dad's house. Of course, right as they get to it, the camera is filming the front of the car, so you actually only see the hedges. But they're our hedges.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Let's all do the pony to one of the dumbest hit singles ever! It's 1986's "I Wanna Be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry. Giddyup!

Sorry, neither Robert Smith nor Hillary Swank is involved in any way.

Hey Hey What Can I Do Write

I am lost, people. LOST. Where is that magic rainbow that David Cook promised me? Tuesdays are like big, gaping black holes now that American Idol has wrapped. THIS YEAR'S POST-IDOL FUNK IS THE FUNKIEST EVER!!!

This horrible empty feeling almost makes me want to run up to three random strangers and shriek out a dramatic rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing."

I forced myself to watch much of the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night, hoping for some inspiration. I had a few snarky comments in mind for ye olde blog, but then Transformers won the award for Best Movie and all my thoughts just flew out the window. I mean, really, what could I say that would match the ridiculousness of that?

I can't even get excited for a full-fledged installment of Eye Boogers. Celebrities are just recycling other celebrities' antics lately.

Clay Aiken is trying to prove that he's not gay by getting a random, older woman pregnant via artificial insemination. Insert Michael Jackson joke here.

Tatum O'Neal claims she bought crack because she was "doing research" for a part. Damn research! It's caused Britney Spears to attack a car with an umbrella and Pete Townshend to download kiddie porn.

Other things that are bothering me...

Paris Hilton's and Benji Madden's dogs are dating. Can the One Night in Tinkerbell sex tape be far behind?

John Mayer. He's everywhere. Why do people like this guy's music? How does he consistently bag hot actress girlfriends? (Keep in mind that these are rhetorical questions. You can try to answer, but I can't possibly buy any reasons you come up with.)

Sex and the City wannabe girls. Ladies, do you remember when you were, like, 10 and you fixed your hair and tried to look pretty just to sit in front of the TV and watch one of your favorite bands or actors? It's kind of cute and funny looking back because it was obviously a pointless exercise. You know what's not cute and funny? Groups of grown women getting dressed to the nines to go sit in a dark movie theater for nearly 2 1/2 hours to watch the sexy, fabulous and unrealistic exploits of four nonexistent gals. My best friend had a great comment about this phenomenon - "There's no need for these bitches to dress up like the characters. It's Sex and the City, not Rocky Horror."

When I went to see the movie over the weekend, the highly over-dressed girls sitting in the row across from me were taking pictures. Not of the movie screen, just of each other. I wish I could've been there for the viewing of the photos. "Here we are at the Sex and the City movie, sitting. Here we are eating popcorn. Here we are laughing. Here we are sitting. Here we are sitting. Here we are sitting."

Also, I swear I heard a champagne cork pop from somewhere behind me right as the opening title sequence started. I was looking around to see if I heard correctly, but obviously it was too dark. I'm still 99% sure that some idiot smuggled champagne into the show. (Okay, so maybe I'm just pissed because I didn't think of it. Because everything is better with champagne.)


That's all for now. Don't forget to enter the caption contest. There are an unusually low number of entries this go-round.

Sonic Sunday

I just remembered that Evil Genius tagged me with the somewhat lengthy "8 Things" meme way back in March and I never did it. Well, I'm going to rectify that today. Not really. But, sort of.

His original meme had 8 categories (including "8 more tagees") but I'm only going to keep one, add one of my own and call it a day. However, I'm reworking this as a "Sonic Sunday" post, which means yummy mp3s for all you boys and girls! That should more than make up for my slow response and halfhearted participation.

8 Songs I'm Obsessed With Right Now:

1. "I'm Amazed," My Morning Jacket - Heyyyy, MMJ's new album, Evil Urges, isn't even out yet! Thank you, Indie Muse! Enjoy this mp3 for free, but run right out (or click your mouse) and buy this record when it's released on June 10. If their kick-ass appearance on SNL last month is any indication, the album should be pretty awesome.
2. "Fear," Paddy Casey - I caught this video on VH1 a few weeks ago and immediately downloaded the song, along with a few others of Paddy's. As a general rule, I love anyone named Paddy. And this guy kind of looks like Marc Bolan, which makes me like him even more.
3. "Take A Bow," Rihanna - This girl is really on a roll. First, she got me under her "Umbrella" (one of the best songs of 2007!), then got my toes a-tappin' to "Don't Stop the Music," and now I'm singing this slick break-up jam in the shower every day.
4. "I Will Possess Your Heart," Death Cab For Cutie - This song kind of pissed me off the first time I heard it. Not only is it 8 1/2 minutes long, but the lyrics don't kick in until the halfway point. However, after a few listens, I really grew to like the tension created by the slow build of the musical intro.
5. "Q," Film - As you all know, there's nothing or no one I'm more obsessed with right now than Michael Johns. This is him singing with his old band from Atlanta. Even if it wasn't the Aussie singing, I would like this song. It's got a very pretty melody. Of course, if it wasn't the Aussie singing, I never would have gone out of my way to track it down in the first place.
6. "Apologize," OneRepublic - I don't know why I love this song, I just do. It's one smooth groove. (Sorry, Red!)
7. "Hurt My Baby," John Hiatt - I'm always happy to see a new John Hiatt release. His latest record, Same Old Man, is his first since 2005's Master of Disaster and the few songs I've heard from it sound like vintage Hiatt. I love when he does these emotional ballads. It doesn't quite produce the chills of "Icy Blue Heart," but it's effective enough.
8. "In Love With a Girl," Gavin DeGraw - Sure, Gavin DeGraw isn't exactly changing music, but if he can continue to come up with one insanely catchy nugget of pop brilliance per album (the first was "I Don't Wanna Be"), then he should have a nice little career ahead of him. When I hear this song, I think that it's exactly what Maroon 5 wish they could create. Straight ahead, simple pop-rock delivered by a guy who's not a complete turd.

8 Songs I Could Listen To Over and Over:

1. "25 Miles," Edwin Starr - I think I may have mentioned this before, but if someone put a gun to my head and forced me to pick my favorite song ever, I would probably pick this one.
2. "Corduroy," Pearl Jam - Truly, I could listen to all 8 of Pearl Jam's studio albums over and over, but this has been my favorite PJ song since Vitalogy came out. And you didn't even have to put a gun to my head to find that out!
3. "Beat's So Lonely," Charlie Sexton - I've mentioned this song several times before here. It's my favorite song from my favorite decade, the '80s. I will never grow tired of it, even if Charlie has. Jerk.
4. "Monday Morning," Fleetwood Mac - Although I generally lean towards the Stevie Nicks-penned FM tunes, this Lindsey Buckingham song has long been my favorite of theirs. Stevie provides some great harmonies, as always.
5. "Walk Away," Squeeze - So, this is probably only my 5th favorite Squeeze song. ("Another Nail in My Heart" is the tops!) It made this list because I actually have listened to it several times in a row. There's something about Glenn Tilbrook's vocal delivery here that is particularly beautiful and heart-wrenching, which compels me to say, "I need to hear that again." The whole song is fab, although from about 3:45 on, my eyes are always closed and I'm belting it out like I can actually sing.
6. "Since You've Been Gone," Rainbow - Classic rock!!! This might be one of the best songs to ever come out of the '70s.
7. "Disco 2000," Pulp - Ah, it's all so wonderfully Brit-Poppy. I think it's impossible to be unhappy when this song is on, even though the lyrics tell a pretty bittersweet story. The beat is fantastic...and do I even have to mention the fabulous "ooh-oooh-ooh-oohs" at the end?
8. "Irene Wilde," Ian Hunter - Dear Beth Coffey introduced me to this song on one of her more recent Friday mix-tapes and I've been obsessed with it ever since. This is probably the greatest "zero to hero" song ever written.

Bonus: I saw Sex and the City last night, so when you're done downloading the tunes, check out these 8 movie spoilers!*

1. The girls all live in a city and each have sex at some point.
2. Carrie wins the Kentucky Derby.
3. Everyone drinks alcohol. A lot.
4. Samantha trades in Smith for an even younger man, played by that annoying gap-toothed dude from Gossip Girl.
5. Purses and shoes both play pivotal roles.
6. In a stunning medical miracle, Steve's other ball grows back.
7. Charlotte smiles a lot.
8. Carrie finally reveals how she is able to afford several pairs of $400 shoes a month, an Upper East Side apartment, and daily cab fare - prostitution! (This outfit should have been our first clue.) Stanford is her pimp, of course.

* List may or may not contain actual plot points.