Friday, August 29, 2008

It's Totally an '80s Movie Quiz!

Okay, so maybe you dopes dear people will do better with movie trivia. And, I'm sorry if you don't like trivia in general, but I'm taking off for the long weekend so this is all I have to offer you. I expect to have plenty of emails upon my return.

I tried to make this easier than the music quiz, but the basic set-up is essentially the same. The quiz is broken into three parts: quote ID, scene ID, and general trivia. The rules are also the same: (1) No Googling, Yahooing, using a lifeline, or whatever else lousy cheaters do to get the answers, and (2) Do not answer the questions in the comments section. Even if you only know one or two, you still may not e-blurt them out in the comments section, thus ruining the game for everyone else, Dale. I mean, Mathdude. Um, I mean, no one in particular. Email all answers to me via this magical link.

Okay, ready? Action! (I know, I know...that's so lame.)


Part I: Quotes - Identify the movie that belongs to each quote.
(1 pt each)

1. "Uh, Dick? Excuse me. Rich? Will milk be made available to us?"

2. "Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood."

3. "He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too."

4. "Son, you got a panty on your head."

5. "You are the vulgarian, you fuck."


Part II: Scenes



Identify the movie that corresponds to each still frame.

(1 pt each)


*Click pictures to enlarge.
1.
2.3.
4.5.


Part III: General Trivia
(1 pt each, unless otherwise specified)

1. In Better Off Dead, how much did Lane owe the paperboy? (Note: This is what's known as a "gimme." I will endlessly, publicly mock anyone who does not know this.)

2. According to Raymond Babbitt, which airline never had a crash?

3. Originally created as Cheech and Chong Join the Army, the script was rewritten to become this 1981 comedy. Name it.

4. In 1985, The Color Purple received 11 Oscar nominations. How many did it win?

a. 0
b. 1
c. 5
d. 8
e. 11

5. Which of these actors was not considered for the role of Ferris Bueller?

a. Johnny Depp
b. Emilio Estevez
c. Tom Cruise
d. Michael J. Fox
e. Robert Downey, Jr.

6. What are the first names (or nicknames) of the seven main greasers in The Outsiders? (Note: It's all or nothing, kids. You have to know all seven to get the point!)

7. Which three musicians played The Three Most Important People in the World in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?

8. This oft-forgotten 1984 flick, which starred Chris Penn and Eric Stoltz, was considered a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Name it. (Bonus point: Who sang the theme song?)

9. Who taught John Travolta how to do the two-step for Urban Cowboy?

10. What was Chuck's apartment number in Night Shift? (This question isn't as random as it seems. If you love this movie like I do, you'll understand.)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

These Are Totally the Answers to the '80s Music Quiz!

Thanks to all 12 of you for playing. Wussies. Whatever, all of you people who didn't play are going to kick yourselves after you see the incredible award I've created for the winner.

That winner is Malcolm, of Pop Culture Dish, who scored a 25 out of a possible 37. In 2nd and 3rd place, respectively, were Fran with 20 points, and Moxie with 16.

Malcolm, I now bestow upon you this gaudy, hastily Photoshopped award, in recognition of your trivial knowledge. Party on, dude.



And now, the answers....

Part I: Lyrics - Identify the song title and artist for each set of lyrics.
(2 pts each)

1. Babe you know you're growing up so fast/And mama's worrying that you won't last to say let's play - "Sister Christian," Night Ranger

2. Oh, sugar where you been/Hangin' out with your male friends/Listen, somebody's going to hurt you/The way you love to keep hurting me - "Oh Sheila," Ready For the World

3. 'Cause when I see you dancing with your friends/I can't help wondering where I stand - "Johnny Are You Queer," Josie Cotton

4. But just like the wounded and when it's too late/They'll remember, they'll surrender/Never a care for that people who hate/Underestimate me now - "Shot in the Dark, "Ozzy Osbourne

5. Can you imagine when this race is won/Turn our golden faces into the sun/Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune/The music's played by the madman - "Forever Young," Alphaville

Part II: Videos



Identify the song title and artist that corresponds to each video still.

(2 pts each)


*Click pictures to enlarge.
1.
"Heaven," Warrant
2.
"Union of the Snake,"
Duran Duran
3.
"Keep Your Hands to Yourself,"
Georgia Satellites

4.
"True Faith," New Order

5.
"For Your Eyes Only,"
Sheena Easton

Part III: General Trivia
(1 pt each, unless otherwise noted)

1. What bespectacled new waver's birth name is Declan McManus?
A: Elvis Costello

2. What British band took their name from an unemployment benefits form?
A: UB40

3. In 1988, she became the youngest female artist to write, produce, and perform a #1 hit. Who is she? (Bonus point: name the hit.)
A: Debbie Gibson, "Foolish Beat"

4. Belinda Carlisle's video for "Heaven Is a Place on Earth" was directed by which Academy Award winning actress?
A: Diane Keaton

5. Name the successful solo artists who started out with the following bands:

a. Generation X - Billy Idol
b. Blue Angel - Cyndi Lauper
c. Shalamar - Jody Watley
d. Zoot - Rick Springfield
e. Piper - Billy Squier
(1 pt each, 5 pts total)

6. This mustachioed artist co-wrote and sang backup on Icehouse's 1987 hit, "Electric Blue." Who is he?
A: John Oates

7. Corey Glover of the band Living Colour had a small role in this 1986 movie that also featured a very young Johnny Depp. Name it.
A: Platoon

8. This songwriter co-wrote some of the biggest and baddest hits of the decade for artists like Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, KISS, Joan Jett, and, most notably, Bon Jovi, with whom he co-wrote the ultimate '80s anthem, "Livin' on a Prayer." Unfortunately, he's also partially responsible for late '90s crap like Ricky Martin's "Shake Your Bon Bon" and Sisqo's "Thong Song." Who is this guy and (no points for this part, sorry) what the hell is he thinking?
A: Desmond Child

9. Robert Palmer originally wanted his 1986 smash, "Addicted to Love," to be a duet with a well-known female singer. Although Palmer did record the song with her, his label demanded that he re-record her parts and release a solo version. That same year, she recorded a different duet that was not only a huge hit, but took home the 1987 Record of the Year Grammy - beating out fellow nominee "Addicted to Love!" Who is this female artist? (Bonus point: name the Grammy-winning song and duet partner. If you get the main question correct, there's no way you could miss the bonus!)
A: Chaka Khan; the other duet was "Higher Love" with Steve Winwood

10. Although Sandy Stewart plays keyboards on Stevie Nicks' single "Stand Back," the synth line was created and originally recorded by another musical icon. Who is he? (Bonus point: which of this icon's own hit songs inspired "Stand Back?")
A: Prince, "Little Red Corvette"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Before getting to this week's vid, I'd like to wish a happy birthday to Paul Reubens, who turns 56 today. I hope all of your dreams come true, Pee Wee, especially that one about you, the big doughnut, and that vest-wearing snake. 'Cause I'm dying to know how that turns out.

When I heard that it was P.W.'s birthday today, my mind went on one of its many little jaunts which, this time, led me to E.G. Daily, who played Dottie in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. You may also remember her from '80s flicks like Valley Girl, Streets of Fire, and Better Off Dead, or more recently as the voice of Tommy Pickles on Rugrats, or Phoebe's jingle-writing friend on Friends who slicked up "Smelly Cat." She's also one of the many, the not-proud exes of Hollywood über scuzz, Rick Salomon.

What a lot of people don't immediately remember her for is her 1986 single, "Say It, Say It," which hit #1 on the Dance Music charts. Fortunately, YouTube and I are here to jog your memories. I would bet money that 90% of you who think you have no idea what I'm talking about will know this song the minute you hear it.

Until today, I don't ever remember seeing the video, which is a horrible knock-off of Stanley Kubrick's version of Lolita. Not that I'm all that protective of the movie. After reading the book, I was pretty disappointed with that film, and I refuse to watch the sexed-up Adrian Lyne version. I doubt that even the greatest cast and crew in the world could ever come close to the brilliance of Nabokov's pen.

Oh, but what's this? A literary tangent in a video post?? Let's change the subject. I don't want you people thinking I'm going all highbrow on you now. Check out E.G. Daily and her big boobs.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Finally, Someone More Annoying Than Paris Hilton

There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.

You may have seen her too - this broad in the Secret Flawless deodorant commercial* who is walking down the street with her arms up in the air like she in da club, and generally being a menace to all passersby. She walks past some suit and commands him to give her a high five, then giggles and squeakily boasts, "I didn't even know that guy!" (I'll bet she's said that on a lot of hungover mornings.) Then, she hails a cab like a complete spaz and, after the guy stops, she's like, "No thanks, I'd rather walk." Yeah. Let's see her try that in New York for real. A cabbie wouldn't think twice about running her skinny little ass over.

I don't know why I hate this woman so much. She's either just that annoying, or I'm becoming a rage-a-holic. Whatever the case may be, I know this. If I ever see her on the street, I am going to rip her arms off. Then we'll see how damn good she smells.


*I was going to link the video for anyone who hadn't seen it yet, but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, everyone else hates it too, possibly even Procter & Gamble who haven't even bothered to slap the ad up on YouTube for some fast, free publicity.

Monday, August 25, 2008

American Idol 8: Now With 25% More Useless Commentary!

One major change that viewers will see on the next season of American Idol is a permanent fourth judge. Songwriter Kara DioGuardi, who's written such classics as, um...I'm sorry. I was mistaken. No classics. Just a bunch of crap for "singers" like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, and Enrique Iglesias. She's also written for mostly-forgotten Idols like Katharine McPhee and Diana DeGarmo, but she did write a few songs for Kelly Clarkson. In fact, she wrote my favorite Kelly song, "Gone," which just goes to show that you have to pass a lot of turds before laying a golden egg. Or it just means that I occasionally like kinda crappy music. Whatever.

Anyhoo, it seems that Paula Abdul is a bit worried about having this extra judge around. In a recent radio interview, P-Ab said, "I am concerned about the audience and acceptance. Time will tell. We'll see."

Okay, Paula, but enough about you. Do you think the audience will accept this new gal?

I mean, seriously. What is this woman talking about? The show has been on for seven years and no one really accepts her as an actual judge of musical talent. No one accepts her slurred tangents as helpful or insightful advice. We put up with her because she amuses us from time to time with her frequent train wrecks. That's all. So, how much worse could this new chick be?

What is Paula really worried about? Competition for Simon's affections? Competition for the young, ambitious male contestants? Competition for the bartender's attention at the after-show parties?

One thing she doesn't have to worry about is competition for the public's respect. I'd say the pedestals for a crazy, drunk, Auto-tuned has-been and a one-woman song factory who unleashed Ashlee Simpson's "La La" on the world are about the same height.


Drunky sez...
Zmm...sho...dunn fuggish sakeda ateish umsak quinns, itslike toad ollie rasdacull! Mm num num.

Sober translation: Don't forget to take the '80s Music Quiz. It's, like, totally radical!

Old MacDonald's Thoughts Arrive Like Butterflies

Living up to the LiLo y Pico Award I gave my entire blogroll is Skyler's Dad, who sent me this video today, calling it "totally me." I can't argue with that. If Pearl Jam actually ever put out a kiddie album, I would run right out and get knocked up.



I have to say, though, that I would rather listen to The Wiggles than Nickelback.

Now that you've all had a good laugh, go down one post and take the damn '80s music quiz. I'm sick of all you people acting like you're big-time music lovers and then, when faced with a quiz, you're all, "Booo hooo, this is too hard, I don't know any of the answers!" Poseurs!!

Um, I mean, please take the quiz you wonderful people.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

It's Totally an '80s Music Quiz!

Hi gang! I've been promising another quiz so, whether you want it or not, here it is!

I was originally going to do an '80s quiz including music, movies and TV trivia. However, I just spent an extra hour retyping this entire music quiz because some dumb-ass button that I pushed in Blogger's "compose" mode caused the entire post to self-destruct. Therefore, I'm too tired and annoyed to finish the other parts of the quiz. I'll just post separate movie and TV quizzes at some point in the near future. And don't worry, '80s haters. I'll try to get to the '70s and '90s at some point too.

This quiz is broken up into three sections: lyric ID, video ID and general trivia. I tried to set each section up so the questions would get progressively harder, but you never can tell who knows what, so "degree of difficulty" is a bit subjective.

I only ask two things: (1) Please don't cheat and look any answers up on the Interwebs. Pretend it's 1984 and you don't have that luxury. (2) Don't leave your answers in the comments section. This way, everyone gets a chance to play. Send all answers to me via email.

Good luck!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Part I: Lyrics - Identify the song title and artist for each set of lyrics.
(2 pts each)

1. Babe you know you're growing up so fast/And mama's worrying that you won't last to say let's play

2. Oh, sugar where you been/Hangin' out with your male friends/Listen, somebody's going to hurt you/The way you love to keep hurting me

3. 'Cause when I see you dancing with your friends/I can't help wondering where I stand

4. But just like the wounded and when it's too late/They'll remember, they'll surrender/Never a care for that people who hate/Underestimate me now

5. Can you imagine when this race is won/Turn our golden faces into the sun/Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune/The music's played by the madman

Part II: Videos


Identify the song title and artist that corresponds to each video still.

(2 pts each)


*Click pictures to enlarge.
1.
2.3.
4.5.

Part III: General Trivia
(1 pt each, unless otherwise noted)

1. What bespectacled new waver's birth name is Declan McManus?

2. What British band took their name from an unemployment benefits form?

3. In 1988, she became the youngest female artist to write, produce, and perform a #1 hit. Who is she? (Bonus point: name the hit.)

4. Belinda Carlisle's video for "Heaven Is a Place on Earth" was directed by which Academy Award winning actress?

5. Name the successful solo artists who started out with the following bands:

a. Generation X
b. Blue Angel
c. Shalamar
d. Zoot
e. Piper
(1 pt each, 5 pts total)

6. This mustachioed artist co-wrote and sang backup on Icehouse's 1987 hit, "Electric Blue." Who is he?

7. Corey Glover of the band Living Colour had a small role in this 1986 movie that also featured a very young Johnny Depp. Name it.

8. This songwriter co-wrote some of the biggest and baddest hits of the decade for artists like Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, KISS, Joan Jett, and, most notably, Bon Jovi, with whom he co-wrote the ultimate '80s anthem, "Livin' on a Prayer." Unfortunately, he's also partially responsible for late '90s crap like Ricky Martin's "Shake Your Bon Bon" and Sisqo's "Thong Song." Who is this guy and (no points for this part, sorry) what the hell is he thinking?

9. Robert Palmer originally wanted his 1986 smash, "Addicted to Love," to be a duet with a well-known female singer. Although Palmer did record the song with her, his label demanded that he re-record her parts and release a solo version. That same year, she recorded a different duet that was not only a huge hit, but took home the 1987 Record of the Year Grammy - beating out fellow nominee "Addicted to Love!" Who is this female artist? (Bonus point: name the Grammy-winning song and duet partner. If you get the main question correct, there's no way you could miss the bonus!)

10. Although Sandy Stewart plays keyboards on Stevie Nicks' single "Stand Back," the synth line was created and originally recorded by another musical icon. Who is he? (Bonus point: which of this icon's own hit songs inspired "Stand Back?")

Answers will be posted on Friday.

Total possible points = 37

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

During one of Malcolm's recent trivia quizzes over at Pop Culture Dish, I was mentally forced to replay every Def Leppard video in my head. (Go ahead, make a "torture" joke. Whatever. I like Def Leppard, so there.) I was amazed that I could still remember them all, although I do still seem to splice the videos for "Foolin'" and the remake of "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" together in my head. I guess because they're both great songs with fairly ridiculous "concepts."

Anyway, the video still in the quiz showed the band performing in what looked like someone's living room, so I immediately thought it was "Me & My Wine." However, since Joe Elliott was rockin' the Hysteria-era mullet, I knew that couldn't have been it since the video came out in 1984 (as a bonus track on the reissue of 1981's High 'n' Dry). But still, that got me thinking about this song and vid because I always liked it a lot when I was younger. I had kind of a weird crush on Joe, so I probably wouldn't have minded walking into my bathroom one day to find him screeching in the tub.



By the way, I didn't get the video question right. Malcolm is a big ol' cheater. Or, maybe he's not a cheater, but he's sneaky. He had to resort to using videos from across the pond to trip me up. Tsk tsk tsk.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Emma Gerbers of the Blogosphere, Unite!

Something called the Arte y Pico award has been bestowed upon me by both Genn (ages ago) and Deadspot (days ago) which, while much appreciated, is of questionable origin and is one of those dealios that forces me to play favorites with my blogroll by passing it on to a select few. I considered "forgetting" to have my little awards ceremony but I didn't want anyone getting pissed off at me for not observing Interweb etiquette. But I don't want people to get pissed for not including them in my list, either. This is quite the dilemma. How will I get out of this unscathed?

According to the (mysterious) designer of this award, "This prize has arisen from the daily visits that I dedicate to many blogs which nourish me and enrich me with creativity. In them, I see dedication, creativity, care, comradeship, but mainly, ART, much art. I want to share this prize with all those bloggers that entertain me day to day and to share this prize with those who enrich me every day."

Well, Prizemaster X gets no awards for that riveting paragraph.


Wondering what Arte y Pico meant, I looked it up and found that, obviously, "arte" means "art." Okay. But, what about "pico?" According to Wikipedia, "pico" is derived from the verb "picar," which has two meanings: 1) to mince or chop, and 2) to bite or sting. This is where I get confused. Am I supposed to reward bloggers for biting commentary on their topic of choice? Should this award go to cooking blogs? I don't know.

I decided that I would just pretend that it was created by some basement-dwelling nerd named Artie Y. Pico until it dawned on me to do a Google search for the award. I found the website of origin, which explains that the phrase "will never find its counterpart in English, but if it HAD to, it would be something like, Wow. The Best Art. Over the top." Well, okay, that does sound like me. Hell, T.H.E.Y. don't call me the Van Gogh of blogging for nothin'.

There's a bunch of other stuff on the site but it's all in Spanish. And like Ron Burgundy, you know I don't speak Spanish. English, please!

Without much further ado, here are the rules (in English and edited for grammatical integrity):

1. Pick 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and its contribution to the blogging community, regardless of language.

2. Each award should have the name of the author with a link to their blog.
(Oh, too bad, you! You know who you are, guy with the blog about the thing.)

3. Award winners have to post the award along with the name of the person who gave it to them and a link back to their blog.

4. Please include a link to the “Arte Y Pico” blog so that everyone will know where the award came from.
(I did. Hopefully, that gets me off the hook for my sarcastic remarks about it.)

5. Show these rules.
(Okay. Considering this even needed to be a rule, shouldn't it have been #1? Now I'm half-tempted to just post the picture with a caption of "Rules are there ain't no rules. It's to the 2nd bridge and back and the one who makes it here first wins.)

Of course, there is no rule about what to do if you receive this award more than once. Do the duplicate awards cancel each other out and now I don't have to do this at all? Do I have to do double the work and bestow the award on 10 blogs instead of 5? Or is it like an award squared, and I actually have to give it out to 25 blogs? Help me, Artie Y. Pico! Show me the way!

Two roads diverged in a wood and I...well, I took the easiest route.

Since I know a lot of people on my blogroll have already received this award, and I don't want to think too hard tonight, I give this award to EVERYONE on my blogroll. Yes! It may be a cop-out, but it's an admirable cop-out. Right? If you're on my blogroll, that obviously means that I think you're creative and interesting and that, even if you're not setting the blogosphere on fire, you contribute something to my world at least. Pretend this award is a tiara and I'm Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. Everyone gets a piece. (No, not of Lindsay, stupid. The tiara.)

If you decide to pass this on, feel free to use my new, improved version of the award.

And Artie, don't be mad at me for modifying your award. I'm just displaying the creativity that won me this thing in the first place.


*kiss kiss*
Love ya! Later, beeyotches!

Monday, August 18, 2008

K-Fed Makes His Triumphant Return to The PopEye

Those of you who remember my one-time obsession with K-Fed may have recently been asking yourselves - to borrow a K-Fedism - Whattup playa? Where he et?

Well, I guess since America's Most Hated went and turned himself into Father of the Year, he hasn't done much that's warranted snarking about. However, since Poobomber has started his "Daily K-Fed" feature, I've hopped aboard the Popo Zao train again. I recently gave Poo a sneak peek at the poster for a movie that's destined to become a holiday season blockbuster - the sequel to this summer's hit, Wall-E, featuring K-Fed in his first starring role. I hope y'all are as excited about it as I am.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

A Little Weekend Gunk

Kind of like eye boogers, only less clumpy and easier to wipe away. And mixed with a bit of complete bullshit.

Bob Saget recently told the AP that "it can get a little bit exhausting" answering repeated questions about the Olsen twins. Also exhausting for Saget? Trying to be funny.


Teen heartthrob and human eyebrow Joe Jonas celebrated his 19th birthday on Friday by taking a ride on his new motorcycle! Wheeee! Meanwhile, former teen idol and O.F. (original firecrotch) Madonna celebrated her 50th birthday today by taking a ride on Joe Jonas! Wheeee! Then she made him drive her to the spa for her Botox appointment.


Kim Kardashian told Radar Magazine that she's trying to shed some pounds - mainly in her buttockal region. She said that "it gets a little offensive" when she's posing for the paps and they keep yelling at her to bring her big ol' booty around. She goes on to say, "I mean, I like to show off the front too, y'know? Britney and Lindsay haven't cornered the market on beav-flashing. I want people to know that I'm more than just a butt. I have a vagina too."


Virgin Records is suing Jared Leto's band, 30 Seconds to Mars, for $30 million for failing to deliver the three more albums required by their contract. In a related story, 30 million music fans have each offered to give Leto $1 if he'll promise to never honor the contract.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The OlympEye

I'm sure most of you have heard all of the uproar over a picture of the Spanish Olympic basketball team, in which all the players are making "slant eye" gestures.

I agree that this photo is quite racist and stereotypical. But hey, what do you expect from a bunch of greasy guys all hopped up on sangria?

And anyway, why is it okay for the Chinese Olympians to make fun of themselves, but it's not okay when the Spaniards do it? Huh?? Tell me that! Oh, I feel so bad for you, China! You with your 5,000 gold medals, ancient laundry secrets, and never-ending supply of fortune cookies! Boo hoo! Cry me a yellow river!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's crusty old gem comes to you from everyone's favorite coffee-achievin' band, Heart. This song, "Allies," from 1983's Passionworks never seems to get much love, but it was always a personal favorite. It was a power ballad before power ballads were all the rage.

It's unfortunate that, back in the day, I didn't make up set lists for my bedroom concerts. I'm sure if I had written some and kept them, I could scan and post them now so you could all see that this tune was pretty much a staple of my live shows. I never did an air flute solo though.

I find it interesting that when Ann Wilson gained weight in the late '80s, she was deemed "unsuitable" to be featured in Heart's videos from the neck down. Yet, video directors didn't think twice about zooming in on the horrific, frayed Brillo pad that skinny Ann was sporting on her head on display here and through much of the early-to-mid '80s.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

TV Is Still My Dark Master

I haven't blogged much about any TV shows (aside from the awesome Puppy Games) since summer reruns took over, which may trick most of you into thinking that I've been doing more productive things, like, outside and stuff. However, while I have been spending more time rockin' out with Mr. iPod and flirting with those bad UV rays, I haven't ended my long-term relationship with TV. He's so square, but baby I don't care. Because for all his faults, he still always manages to find some way to please me.

Here is some of the candy that my baby has been feeding me this summer:

So You Think You Can Dance, FOX - Ahhhh, when the IV drip runs out of American Idol juice, I can always count on Nigel Lythgoe to hook up a nice big bag of this worthy replacement, now in its 4th season. I've been watching this since Season 2, and I totally love it despite judge Mary Murphy's annoying, ear-shattering screaming. I just haven't bothered to blog about the show because I haven't figured out a way to be funny while writing about dancing. Plus, all of the contestants are generally really good, not like AI where there are usually always at least one or two horrible train-wreck "singers," so it's a little harder to make fun of. This season was probably the best one yet. The only way it could have been better? Two words: Pasha Kovalev. He showed up in one episode as a guest choreographer, but that's hardly enough.(Warning: the previous link will take you to one of those stupid fan-made tribute videos on YouTube. Every picture I found of him looked ultra-dorky. That could be because the guy is a dork, but he's one of the hottest dorks I've ever seen.)

Animal Cops, Animal Planet - There are a bunch of different cities in which this show takes place, but every time I see it, it's usually Houston, Miami or New York. If ever there was a TV show that pushed every one of my buttons at the same time, it's this one. I love the animals, but I hate the horrible things that happen to them. I love when the cops catch jerkoff animal abusers, but I hate the incredibly light penalties that are imposed upon them. I'm happy when pets are taken care of by the vets and adopted by good families, but I'm sad and angry when animals have to be put down because their lives have been ruined by some irresponsible jackhole. Some people don't like watching this show because it can be sad but, in general, most stories have positive outcomes, and it's worth watching for the happy endings. I watch this all year-round, but Animal Planet tends to run marathons in the summer months, which always suck me in.

Mythbusters, Discovery Channel - Like Animal Cops, this isn't just a summer fill-in either. Honestly, I think this is one of the best shows on TV. I mean, I've been duped into believing a lot of crap in my life and Adam and Jamie - along with a few others including hottie technerd Tory - have helped me shed my gullibility. Birds CAN eat rice without exploding! There is no super-scary haunted house ANYWHERE that gives you your money back if you make it all the way through! And, most importantly, if you're in an elevator that suddenly plummets to the ground, jump up and down all you want. Might as well have a little bit of fun before you get crushed to death.

I Love Money, VH1 - Yeah, most people would be embarassed to admit that they like this show, but I think it's a bit late for me to try to pretend that I'm hip at this point. This is basically just a bunch of rejects from Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love further gleefully humiliating themselves by playing stupid games for a big wad of cash. It's kind of like a skankier version of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and even though it's not quite as entertaining as that, I appreciate the honesty of the show. I mean, the title says it all. These people love money, as they have proven time and time again by always putting it above things most normal people prize, like family, friendship, love, integrity, self-respect, employment, knowledge, the English language, a disease-free body, and so forth. The only way this series could be more honest would be to call it I Love Money, Sex, Attention and Talking Loudly.

The Soup, E! - Since I can only watch so much reality TV before I lapse into a coma or spontaneously contract syphilis, I rely on Joel McHale for all the good poop on these poopy shows. I'm sort of loving The Soup even more than Best Week Ever these days. While I still dig BWE, their "Oh my God, can you believe how cool we are?" attitude has started to grate on my nerves. Or maybe I'm just pissed that I've never been able to get a job with them. Either way, Joel McHale is funnier on his own than a lot of those no-name wannabe VH1 comedians put together. And he's kind of a cutie, too.


I just realized that while I'm watching all of this filler, I'm still paying $16 a month for Netflix and not even really using it. I've had The Departed sitting around, envelope unopened, for just about two months now. I really need to stop busting myths and find out if Leo DiCaprio ever did get chopped up and fed to the poo-ah. Here's hoping.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Contradiction to Previous Post: I'm Actually Kind of Sweet

Proof: Much of my Saturday was spent, not wishing for the deaths of random musicians, but watching The Puppy Games on Animal Planet, oohing and awwwwwwing and giggling all the while. I think I nearly passed out from all the cuteness, people. It might have been the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. If you didn't see it, you can catch much of the action on the Puppy Games page on AnimalPlanet.com.


It's disgusting how much of a girl I can be sometimes.

I'm a Horrible Person

I'm kind of uninspired as far as blogging material goes, so I halfheartedly clicked onto the entertainment section of Yahoo just now. With the most recent trio of celebrity deaths (Estelle Getty, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes) fresh in my mind, I immediately thought, "Whoa, did John Mayer die??" when his photo appeared.

I realize that this thought in itself doesn't make me a horrible person. But the giant smirk that accompanied it probably does.

Before anyone gets all pissy, of course I'm kidding. I would never wish John Mayer dead. I would never wish death on anyone. Well, maybe Adam Levine. But only by my own hand.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #13

In the awkward silence that follows, everybody tries to pretend that Samantha Ronson did not just say "My girlfriend's dress is mad sparkly, yo!"


This month's winning caption belongs to Deadspot! Congrats, dude. You benefit from Pistols' conspicuous absence in this month's contest.

Those of you who don't think this caption is funny...well, you can suck it. Obviously, most of you think that crudeness is the way to my heart but, while I enjoy a good tuna joke as much as anyone, I really am a sucker for ridunkulousness, general stupidity, and puns. And the image of any white, British chick using the term "mad sparkly" is just ridunkulous enough for me to laugh my little white, American arse off. So there you have it.

This month's runners up are:

Lindsay Lohan and friends at the red carpet premiere of "Herpes Rides Again." - Katrocket

Well girls, if we cut the carrot into quarters we have more than enough food for the weekend. - The mysterious "Matt W."

Samantha Ronson answers the question, "How many people knew you even existed before you started nailing Lindsay Lohan?" - Words, Words, Words (or Fran, Fran, Fran)

I also have to give props to Alice and Paticus, who were the only ones who ignored the shiny celebutards and zeroed in on the best part of the picture - random girl on the right's ridunkulous retro ensemble.

And Jef/Knot gets a shout-out from the BFF, who thought his bit about the rug munching relays was a hoot.

Well done, people who didn't win. You get nothing!!

Deadspot, however, gets the most coveted award in all of Blogdom...



Fo shizzle, doggie fizzle. You go wit' your mad captioning skillz!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Morgan Freeman Is Released From the Hospital - After being hospitalized from a fairly serious car crash on Sunday, Morgan was finally released, causing every normal person in the world to smile and breathe a sigh of relief. (Quick fact: people who don't like Morgan Freeman are...are....I can't think of a word for them. How about sphinctojacktards?) After being sprung this afternoon, Morgan stated that he felt "real good." When asked what meds he was taking, Mary-Kate Olsen appeared from out of nowhere, nervously mumbling, "What? How would I know? What do I look like, a doctor? My giant purse is totally not full of stolen prescription pads right now! I swear! Why are you hassling me? Can I have a sandwich? This is all off the record, right?"

Morgan Freeman is Getting Released From His Marriage - Apparently, he's been separated from his wife since December. He says that Demaris Meyer, the much younger passenger who was in his car when it crashed, is "just a friend." Hmm. This is all very fishy. Morgan, you better not be a lousy cheater with a weird car sex fetish. Please don't destroy my image of you. Please don't be a sphinctojacktard.

Morrissey Album is Delayed Until Early 2009 - Upon hearing this news, people with good taste in music celebrated or just scratched their heads and asked, "Morrissey is still putting out records?" Meanwhile, depressed fans continued cutting themselves and even lost the will to mousse up their hair.

Miley Cyrus Perpetuates Several Stereotypes at Once - 1. Ex-girlfriends are psychos. 2. Teenagers are annoying. 3. Celebrities don't know the first thing about "real problems." 4. Blondes are "pretty" and brunettes are "edgy."

Little Miley told Us that her breakup with that one Jonas brother (you know, the one who looks like the other ones) caused her to "bawl for a month straight." Straight. She didn't even take pee breaks, people. She didn't have to. After a few days of weeping, there was absolutely no fluid left in her body. She looked like Keith Richards. Then, the intense pain sent her spiraling into a depression that was fueled by an addiction to hair dye. Yes, yes, I'm being glib here, but what follows are her exact words. It might be the funniest thing I've read in months:

Nick wanted me to get highlights and so I did that, and I got myself looking great. And then, on the day we broke up, I was like, I want to make my hair black now; I don't want to look pretty. I want to look hard-core. I was rebelling against everything Nick wanted me to be. And then I was like, I've got to be by myself for now, and just figure out who I really am.

There is nothing more precious than a 15-year-old billionaire setting out to find herself. How long before she kills her alter-ego, Hannah Montana, and creates a slutty, dark-haired, multi-pierced emo character? Deanna Louisiana? Mona Arizona? Ida Ho?

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's video is "Jelly Roll" by late-'80s "super-group," Blue Murder. I put super-group in quotes because, well, the members were John Sykes of Whitesnake, Carmen Appice of Vanilla Fudge, and Tony Franklin, the puffy haired dude from yet another "super-group," The Firm. Not all that impressive. Hell, The Firm was only half of a super-group, but Paul Rodgers and Jimmy Page had enough super-ness to carry Franklin and the bald dude. I really don't think the guy from Vanilla Fudge or the David Coverdale soundalike have that kind of power. So, as Butthead might say, this group isn't very super.

This song rocks though.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Vacation's Over. Time To Sweat the Small Stuff!


If I hear the term "bromance" one more damn time, the killings will begin.

Okay, so I'm a bit cranky today. I had a root canal on Monday and my mouth is still sore. The ibuprofen just ain't cutting it. And I've left, like, eight messages for Mary-Kate but the skinny skank isn't calling me back. Come on. I mean, how hard is it to write up a prescription? Jeez. Where the hell is she? She can't possibly be at lunch. Arrrrgh.

Obviously, I'm still "easing in" to the blog. Can you all just do my job for me and enter the caption contest in the post below?

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My Photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine