Sunday, May 31, 2009

My Glambertless Weekend

Since the celebutards are still MIA, you all get to hear about the life and times of me. Oh, stop whining. Just pop a No-Doz and read on.

Friday night, I went out with my roommate, The Missus, to a little, tucked-away Italian bar/restaurant (technically in Chinatown), where Rudy Giuliani may or may not have been hanging out. The Missus claims it was him even though she only saw the back of his head, but I did hear other people in the bar muttering stuff about Giuliani, so I suppose it really could have been. The bartender, who was very effective at getting us completely blasted, gave us a shot "on Rudy." So, although I don't know where the whole truth lies in all of this, I'm just going to say that Rudy Giuliani bought me a shot because it sounds good.

On Saturday, I was to meet both roommates, The Missus and The Mister, along with some other friends over on Governor's Island for a polo match. I was pretty excited about this because A) I'd never been to Governor's Island or a polo match, B) it was sponsored by Veuve Clicquot, so I figured the champagne would be flowing like water, and C) Prince Harry was going to be there, and I've never seen a royal close-up. I also thought it would be a good opportunity to go rich husband hunting.

However, when I got over to the ferry, I was told that I'd have to wait for the next one even though there was a boat still in the dock and it hadn't left yet. Then, about 10 minutes later, some suit informed us that there might not be any harbor activity until 5:00 because the President was going to be landing on the helipad. But of course, they didn't know exactly when. Everyone was annoyed until about 10 more minutes later, when we were told we could board the ferry. So, everyone got on, the boat revved up, we backed up, pulled back in, backed up again, only to pull back in and stay there. Some dude came up and told us that we now had to all get off the boat because now Obama really was about to land and this time they really mean it. Ugh. So, after many calls back and forth to my friends, they just decided to come over and meet me (the polo match was already over) at the seaport. I figured that if Obama was going to ruin my day, I might at least get to see him, but when his giant military chopper started swooping in, the cops kept yelling at all the gawkers to go this way, go that way, don't look directly at the helicopter, yadda yadda, so I was just like Screw you, President Day-Ruiner, and stormed off to South Street.

And now I find out that my day got ruined all in the name of Barry and Michelle's date night. How nice. I'm so glad they had a good time. But it doesn't get me any closer to having that rich husband.

Saturday evening was much better, though. A big group of us went to see Up, which I can't recommend enough. What a fantastic movie. But don't be fooled by the cute/funny trailers. While a lot of the film is really funny, I was completely unprepared for how sad, sweet, and touching much of it was. I cried like a baby. More than once. So, if you go, take some Kleenex.

I also finally got to eat at the famous Carnegie Deli. It was pretty good, but wow is it overpriced. I mean, a brisket sandwich for $18? I just kept wanting to scream, IT'S A DELI, PEOPLE!

So, great movie, decent food, but I hope that is the last Saturday night I spend anywhere near Times Square for a long time. Or forever. God, that is the worst place on Earth.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's video is in honor of His Royal Glamness, Adam Lambert. (Obsession nowhere near over.)

I give you the original version of "Mad World" by Tears for Fears. The video and song are actually fairly new to me because the TFF original was on their 1983 debut, The Hurting, and I didn't get into them until 1985's Songs From the Big Chair. (Then I lost interest with Seeds of Love in '89.) As for the Gary Jules remake, I had never heard that one until Glambert's cover because, well, I still haven't seen Donnie Darko. (Insert much tsking and gasping here.) Oh, I know, I know. I'll get around to it. Eventually.



I love how Roland has nothing to do during this video...but dance!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Oh Where, Oh Where Have My Little Celebutards Gone?

I always get into a bad post-Idol funk, but this time is much worse than usual. And you know why? Because celebrities aren't being completely ridiculous. Did they all decide to take the month off? WHAT IS GOING ON?? I at least thought Paris or Lindsay would be here for me after Idol wrapped, but nooooo. They're suddenly model citizens.

Unless I've just been obsessing over Adam Lambert too much to notice any Hollyweirdness. It's possible.

Well, for lack of anything better to post, I thought I'd introduce you all to some new music. (If you've already heard it, well good for you for being so hip. Just shut up and listen to it again. I'm on edge here, people.)

My good blog pal, Falwless (can you still call someone a "blog pal" if they've semi-retired from blogging?) told me about this new "super group," Tinted Windows, which consists of singer Taylor Hanson (Hanson), bassist/pop tunesmith extraordinaire Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne), guitarist James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins), and drummer Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick).

I'm kind of embarrassed that I hadn't already heard about this band, mostly because I had to hear about it from Fal. If you know her at all, you know that she has pretty awful taste in music. The music that she's heard of, anyway. Girl's not exactly in touch. I'm pretty sure she thinks that Robert Plant is the guy who sings "Addicted to Love." Or a famous botanist.

Anyway, take a listen to Tinted Windows' stuff on their official website and let me know what you think. I assumed that, because of Schlesinger's involvement, their music would be extremely catchy, and it is. I'm pretty excited to hear more.

And now I'd like to address Taylor Hanson directly, if I may:
Wow. GOOD job growing up, kid. Hot damn.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Real Life Rears Its Ugly Head Again

You know how hard it is to come back to work after a 4-day weekend?

Okay, well add this on top of that misery: My beloved Glambert is in NYC today, performing for the CBS Morning Show. He is probably wailing his little heart out at 59th and 5th right this second as I sit here (not nearly close by enough to make a "bank" or "breakfast" run) and pretend to work, having failed to manufacture some "injury" that could allow me to sneak out to the "doctor." Ohhhhh, why did I burn that sick day a few weeks ago??

How much longer until I'm a famous blogger and am immediately invited to joyous events like this?? Who do I talk to about this?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Not too long ago, a friend requested the video for Tony Carey's "A Fine, Fine Day," which had me totally stumped. I had no idea who Tony Carey was and the song title didn't sound familiar at all. But lo and behold, when I looked up the video on YouTube, I knew it IMMEDIATELY and remembered it being on the radio and MTV all the time.

Something I didn't know until just now is that Tony Carey was the original keyboardist for Rainbow. I thought the chorus sounded a bit "Street of Dreams"-ish, but it turns out that he had left the band long before they recorded that.

I get so excited when someone rescues a song or video that had been left for dead in one of the deep crevices in my memory banks. It's always an event because, usually, this useless pop culture info pushes out all the important stuff in my brain. I can only assume that forgetting this video helped me remember something I actually need - like my social security number or my address. So, if I don't blog for a few days, you might want to contact the police. I might be out there wandering the streets, looking for home.



Speaking of the police, I wonder how often they have witnesses sing statements to them? It probably really breaks up the monotony of their days. Maybe Cop Rock was more true to life than any of us know.


Hey, now that you're done with the classic vid, run over to Fire That Agency to see a forgotten classic commercial!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

American Idol 8 Finale, Part II: Another Year, Another Ad Salesman's Wet Dream

Yes, last night was the big showdown on American Idol between America’s Sweetheart, Adam Lambert, and Mr. Nice Guy, Kris Allen. In a match-up that seemed so imbalanced (as I recently put it, like pitting Freddie Mercury against Bryan Adams), it was still one of the more exciting ones in the show’s history.

Seacrest started things off with an homage to the judges, during which each one got a video montage that pretty much wrapped up their personalities in a nutshell. I was actually out of the room for Randy’s, but I’m sure it was a hot lava bomb of “dawgs,” “dopes,” and “dudes” with a hearty dose of “yo, yos,” “whats,” and “aights.” I came running to the TV when I heard the barrage of “sweeties” in Kara’s montage, which basically painted her as the miserable harpy that we all know and hate. Paula’s video focused on her constant struggle with words, and Simon’s depicted him as an old man losing his hearing.

Before I move on, I must address The Dawg’s attire. He looked like a dorky ‘70s-era high school teacher on Tuesday, but last night…I don’t know what that was. (Unfortunately, I can't find a pic of it. But trust me, it was ridonk.) Randy, Randy, Randy. Dude. What’s going on baby, what’s going down? Ahhhh, I don’t know, man. For me, for you, that was not a good look. You know what I loved about that ensemble? Nothing. *inhales deeply through teeth* Sorry.

Adam and Kris descended upon the stage as angels in white, and who knows what they said. Their mics weren’t working.

Mikalah Gordon hung with the crowd in Kris’s hometown of Conway, Arkansas and scared little children with her clown makeup. Why does Idol pointlessly resurrect her every year for some minor task?

Adam’s rally in San Diego was manned by Carly Smithson. I was glad to see that she finally managed to pull herself out of Michael Johns’s sweet ass.

The Top 13, all matchy-matchy in white outfits, gave the first performance of the night – a lip-synched(?) version of Pink’s “So What.” It offended me less than most of the group sings this year, while reminding me how much I’d missed Scott’s dancing, that Jorgay ever existed, and just how awful Jasmine was. Allison fired off a very inappropriate (for her age) pelvic thrust into the camera, which I think was just her way of telling all the Kris and Danny loving tweens out there to suck it. Speaking of Danny, did anyone get the feeling that the rest of the Idols were singing directly to him when they sang the “you’re a tool” line?

David Cook followed up that geek-out with a subdued, emotional performance of “Permanent,” a song about his brother, Adam, who recently passed away. The idiot pit showed their usual cluelessness by swaying their arms about in super slo-mo. I’m not a huge fan of Cookie’s post-Idol music, but I liked that song quite a bit. I think it was probably the best I’ve ever heard him sing, and I’m sure the real emotion behind it was the main reason. Afterwards, David told Seacrest that the performance would be available on iTunes, and all proceeds from sales would go to ABC2, a charity that raises money for cancer research.

I spotted Michael Johns in the audience! Well, the little of him that wasn’t obscured by Sideshow Bob Guarini’s head.

The Golden Idol awards returned, aka the “Ryan Seacrest Points and Laughs at Mental Defectives” portion of the show. The first award was for Outstanding Male and it was no contest pitting a few bad auditioners against the force that is Normund Gentle. He accepted in a sweatsuit, which he promptly tore away to reveal his standard outfit from the season and then reprised “And I Am Telling You.” Well, well. AI decided to make the Golden Idol awards funny/ha-ha this year instead of funny/sad!

Next, was a duet by Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. They sang “Cue the Rain,” which I can only assume is a Latifah song. I actually thought this was pretty entertaining. I’ve always liked Big Mama, and Little Rounds looked like she was having some fun for the first time on the show. She didn’t sound too bad either. I’m kind of surprised that the producers didn’t beg Mary J. Blige to come sing with Lil though.

Anoop and Alexis started out “I’m Yours” before introducing Jason Mraz to help them sing the rest. Eventually, the entire Top 13 joined in. Judging by the grimace on Jason’s face, this was too cheesy even for him. He tried to take his pain away by feeling up Dirty Alexis, who was sporting a dress that, as Roy Munson would say, she needed two hairdos to wear.

Seacrest reminded us of Kris Allen’s Idol journey with a video package, and then Kris joined Keith Urban on one of Ryan’s least favorite songs, “Kiss A Girl.” The country haters out there probably didn’t like this, but y'all are plum crazy. I thought the two sounded really good together and it was a fun performance.

The Top 5 Girls tried to top that with a ridiculous, off-key version of Fergie’s already-horrible “Glamorous.” (I kept hoping they would spell out G-L-A-M-B-E-R-T, but no such luck.) Wow, they really proved that Allison was the only girl this year worthy of being in the Top 13. That sucked. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse though, Fergie herself came out to sing “Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal),” and then it all went to hell when the Black Eyed Peas showed up with their “Boom Boom Chicka Wow Blah Blah,” or whatever the hell that stupid song was. The only good thing about that mess was Megan’s fab robot dance. Oh, and when the sound went out for about 10 seconds. That was cool. I don’t know if something got bleeped out or if it was just a malfunction, but I’d like to thank whoever was responsible.

The second Golden Idol of the evening was for “Best Attitude,” which, predictably, went to Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell. Ryan got the best line of the night; when she hurtled toward the podium silicone first, he said, “I was gonna ask you what’s new, but I think I know.” Ha ha. Sometimes I do love Seacrest.

Unfortunately, they let Bikini Girl sing “Vision of Love” again, and she was even worse than I remember. Then, an even bigger attention whore appeared and started singing over her. Yep, it was Kara. I guess she was trying to make nice after calling Katrina a bitch on national TV. The whole thing was mildly amusing, but then Kara took it to another level by ripping open her dress to reveal her own bikini. My first thought was, “MY GOD….MY EYES! THE BURNING!” But then I thought it was pretty ballsy and funny. It almost made me like her. Don’t get crazy, people…I said ALMOST. Apparently, that was a dare from Ryan, who promised to donate to a charity of Kara’s choice if she actually did it. Hopefully, that charity is The Foundation to Keep Kara From Ever Taking Her Clothes Off Again.

I was really looking forward to seeing Cyndi Lauper on the show, but I didn't particularly enjoy her duet of “Time After Time” with Allison. Lil Red was the worst I’ve ever heard her (smoky voice was intact, but all enunciation went right out the window) and I hated the arrangement – especially Cyndi’s spastic throat singing at the end. Even though Cyndi wasn’t exactly at the top of her game, Ryan could have been a little more respectful instead of referring to the two as, “Cyndi Lauper and the amazingly talented Allison Iraheta.” Oh, that Ryan is so unusual sometimes.

Danny Gokey...we thought he was gone for good, but like an anal fissure that never completely healed, he came back again, more irritating than before. He coughed out a few lines of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” before being joined by Lionel himself on some stupid calypso song I didn't recognize. (I guess Mr. Richie has a new album coming out?) They ended the duet with “All Night Long,” during which Gokey repeatedly tried to outsing Lionel. That would’ve been annoying if it hadn’t been so funny watching Gokey scream, pant, and nearly pass out, while Lionel remained cool as a cucumber, hitting all the right notes effortlessly.

Then it was time for Adam’s video journey, after which he appeared onstage in what I originally thought was something he salvaged from Cher’s dumpster, but soon realized was a more theatrical (okay, gayer) version of a KISS costume, complete with moon boots. Adam gave us a bit of “Beth,” before Paul, Gene, and whoever the hell is left in that band now, joined him on stage for a medley of “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Nite.” Now, THAT was awesome. Loved it. I felt a little sad for Adam though. I just know he wanted to rock some kabuki makeup during that. Why wouldn't those KISS bitches share?

Carlos Santana had to follow that. Poor guy.

Was that Janice Dickinson in the audience, or The Ghost of Kara Future? Creepy either way.

The best (read: last) Ford commercial of the year was shown, and then Cookie gave Adam and Kris keys to their new, matching Fusion Hybrids in a taped segment.

In probably the oddest performance of the night, Steve Martin played banjo while Lady Caw Caw (Megan) and Michael Sarver warbled through a song that Martin wrote called “Pretty Flowers.” The song was kind of cute, but damn, Megan can NOT sing. I love that girl, but…wow. They probably should’ve done “King Tut.”

Then, in probably the most ridiculous performance of the night, the Top 8 guys donned tuxes and posed the musical question, “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” To 7 ½ of them, I had to yell out a hearty, “Hell naw!!” The sexiness quotient only continued to drop when 90-year-old Rod Stewart appeared to sing “Maggie May.” You know, it’s really amazing what drugs and alcohol can do for your body. The guy can still fit into the same jacket he wore in the “Some Guys Have All the Luck” video.

The final Golden Idol went to Outstanding Female and, come on, was there even any competition? Was there any doubt that it would be the amazing Tatiana del Toro?? I was delighted to see my girl Tat again, even if Seacrest made her participate in a stupid skit that made it look like she crashed the stage and had to be ushered off by security guards. Well, at least she got to look fabulous and sing us all her favorite Whitney song one more time.

With Queen as their backing band, Adam and Kris dueted on “We Are the Champions.” Although both guys did a great job, that was clearly Adam in his element. Brian May looked pretty damn impressed with him, and rumors about Adam possibly becoming Queen’s new singer have sprouted up overnight. I don’t think that would really happen, but you never know. Of course, he can’t do anything until the stupid Idol tour is over.

FINALLY, Seacrest got around to the results (why this show has to be 2+ hours is beyond me), but not before asking Simon to give Adam and Kris some final thoughts. Cowell was actually not a jerk for a change, and told both finalists that they were not only “brilliant” performers, but truly nice guys.

Somehow, a new voting record (nearly 100 million) was reached on the night of the lowest-rated Top 2 night in Idol’s history. Curious.

As you all know by now, the dark horse won it all. Kris Allen is our American Idol, and he has a terrible single and a (new for this year) gaudy microphone trophy to prove it.

I’m an Adam girl all the way, but I’m not really upset about the outcome. Adam wasn’t either. Did you notice how he laughed when Seacrest told Kris that he’d have to sing the shitastic coronation song again? Yeah, he’s not upset. And you crazy Adam fanatics shouldn’t be either. Stop crying. Stop cursing God and our country. Stop cutting yourself. It’s a mad world, kids. Sometimes your horse doesn’t win. That doesn’t mean he’s going to the glue factory. Not yet, anyway. Adam already knows a lot of people in the music industry, and he’s got enough talent and charisma to take him wherever he wants to go. You might say there are no boundaries. Especially since he isn’t stuck singing about them.

Honestly, I think Kris will do all right for a while, but will eventually fade into obscurity. He's too much like a lot of other people you can already hear on the radio. As for Adam, well, there are a lot of people, including myself who will buy anything (except for the Idol single) he's selling. I mean, I'd take a few of these babies over a Smuggie any day.



Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

This Just In: AMERICAN IDOL HATES GAYS!


Yeah, Kris Allen won. Oh well. Adam looks relieved that he doesn't have to sing "No Boundaries."

Tune in tomorrow for the full recap.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

American Idol 8 Finale, Part I: I've Almost Got My Life Back!

Well, folks, this is it. It's that time of the season when we look back and shriek in horror, "Where the hell did the last five months of my life go?"

And it's time to crown a new American Idol. That too.

Seacrest informs us that our Top 2, Adam and Kris, will each sing three songs - their favorite performance from the season, a Simon Fuller pick, and the Idol single, co-written by Kara DioGuardi. This year, AI has opted to not give us a variety of new songs, as they smartly did last year with the Davids. They have also dumped the songwriting competition (hey, did I ever tell you guys that was MY idea?), probably so Kara can feel like she has something useful to do. And she'll come through. I have complete faith in her ability to drop a steaming turd of a song on these two poor guys.

Ryan also tells everyone that because of all the super happy fun times planned for tomorrow night's big Finale, the show is already scheduled to run long, so we should all set our DVRs accordingly. Gee, thanks for the heads up, Ry Ry, but I think people are aware by now that the show runs long about 90% of the time.

Kris won the coin toss before the show, so he decides to go last.

Adam Lambert starts things off with his highly-praised cover of the Gary Jules cover of the Tears For Fears song, "Mad World." Apparently, there is still a bunch of dry ice left over from Jordin Sparks's performance last week because the crew is just dumping the rest on Adam. I think the Glam One may be playing it safe here. Maybe this was his favorite performance from the season, but I think he should've really gone for it and done "Ring of Fire" again, because that's one of the performances that everyone remembers from this year. (Although, I was kind of hoping for "Satisfaction," because that's still my favorite of all of his performances.) Thankfully, he doesn't plop down in a chair this time around on "Mad World," opting instead to strut around the stage in a leather duster. Randy, who is dressed like a social studies teacher tonight, gives Adam big props for the jacket and an A+ for the performance. And, yo, you know what he loves about this performance? That Adam is singing something he already sang on the show. Mmm hmm. As if he had a choice, dawg. Kara gets very overexcited and blahs a lot of blah. Anthony Hopkins is in da house! Get that man some fava beans and a nice chianti, 'cause he's eating Adam's performance up. I have no idea what Pauler is saying, but neither does she. Simon says this was his favorite Adam performance during the competition, but he feels it was a little "over-theatrical" this time around. People boo.

Kris Allen chooses exactly the song I knew he would, "Ain't No Sunshine." It was clearly his best of the season, so he would have to be an idiot to go with anything else. If he had picked "All She Wants to Do Is Dance," I would've seriously bought a plane ticket, flown out to LA, found him, and beat him about the head with a Don Henley CD. Not because I really care whether or not he wins, but just because that kind of stupidity makes me angry. Luckily for Kris and his head, he made the smart choice and performs it well, once again. Yo, you know what Randy loves about Kris? He can tell what kind of artist he'll be and what kind of record he'll make! Yeeeeah, yeeeeah, yeeeah! You know what I love about Randy? That he is saying something he already said on the show...NINE MILLION TIMES BEFORE. And that includes starting nearly every critique with some version of "Yo, you know what I'm loving right now?" Kara loves Kris and shows it by pointing and shouting a lot. Paula's spirit has been awakened by the Allenization of this song. Simon says that, last week, he wasn't sure that Kris should've been voted into the Top 2 over Hokey, but now takes it back and gives Kris Round 1.

After pounding the "We need to know who you are as an artist and what kind of record you'll make" theme into our heads all season-long, it only makes sense that Simon Fuller's song choice for the flamboyant, emo Madame Glambert would be an old soul/R&B song about the Civil Rights movement. Right? I get a weird feeling that Fuller picked Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come" to trip Adam up, but if that's the case, he failed miserably. Remember Syesha Mercado's dull, shrill cover of this last year? (For your sake, I hope you don't.) Well, take the complete opposite of that, slap a little mascara on it, and add in an extra dash of awesome, and you have Adam's version. This is definitely one of his best peformances. The boy has soul! Who knew? Much of the song is understated and down in his lovely lower range until he finds just the right moment to bring out his inner Dreamgirl, nailing those trademark shrieks. You know, the Dawg has been saying it since Day 1 - Adam can sing his face off, yo. Kara and Paula think this is Adam's best performance ever. All Simon will say is that Adam is 100% back in the game. Really, Simon? I'm sorry...when was he out? (Of the game, that is, jokesters. I know what you're thinking.)

Hey, it's Katie Holmes-bot! Does Tom know she left the house?

The cast of Glee is in the audience, too. I can't wait to see that show. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. Hurry up, Idol!

Simon Fuller dumps Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" in Kris Allen's lap (way to be current, Fuller), and I immediately fear for Kris and his acoustic guitar. Seems I have reason to be worried because this is all very drab. I'm just so used to this Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews thing from him. Randy thinks the performance was "a little light," but Kara appreciates that Kris always stays true to himself. (I guess she forgot that she just bitched at him last week for not going further out of his comfort zone.) Paula says Kris "tore that song up," so I think someone needs to explain to her what that means. Simon puts it best: "It was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye." Exactly. Way too safe and laid back for the final show. Cowell ties things up by awarding Adam Round 2.

Ryan hangs in the audience with the rest of the Top 13 and introduces the Idol single, "No Boundaries." Adam gets to sing it first. Just one comment here before I go on - didn't they, back in the day, used to have the contestants perform the single at different points in their sets, so that we didn't have to hear the same damn song twice in a row? I wish they would've done that tonight. I can already tell by the title alone (and from experience with these craptastic songs) that I'm going to want to jam something sharp through my eardrum midway through the first performance.

Adam begins singing and...yep, it's an Idol single, all right. It's mid-tempo! He's climbing mountains! He's going higher! He's achieving his dreams! He looks like he wants to cry and/or vomit. Seriously, I can't imagine what it's like to have to sing a piece of dreck like this while not killing yourself and pretending to like it. The performance isn't one of his best, but considering the material he has to work with, it's certainly passable. As Randy has said from Day 1, the boy can sing his face off. He says it again, but adds that this particular performance was a little pitchy and just aight. Kara is actually clapping at the end of the song instead of staring off into space like she usually does. I can't tell if she's clapping to mask her embarrassment over being involved in the writing of that horse apple, or if she's actually proud of herself. She must be proud, because she tells Adam how moved she is that he did her song justice. Paula says that adjectives can't express what Glambert has brought to this season of AI. It's a good thing too, because adjectives always trip her up. Simon says that he won't judge the song (after briefly mocking all the mountain climbing found within), and just says that Adam is one of the best, most original contestants they've ever had and that he genuinely believes that they have found a worldwide star in him. I have to say, I believe it too.

Of course, he would've really knocked my original Idol single out of the park. Because it's awesome.

Unfortunately, we have to hear Kara's wretched song again, this time from Kris, who looks about as excited to sing it as I am to listen to it. As the more vanilla of the finalists, the song fits him better, but he does have trouble with the high notes. And, like Glambert, he also looks like he'd rather be dead than singing this garbage. He works it out though, baby. He does his thing. After which, the judges all but tell him he's lost with a barrage of backhanded compliments like, "Look how far you've come," "You've been an amazing competitor this year," and "We're so proud of you."

Carrie is on hand, of course, to perform this year's kiss-off song, "Home Sweet Home." I'm surprised the judges didn't ask her to sing it directly to Kris. She would've done it. She's just a girl who cain't say no. After this, she'll be guest bartending at Paula's place, and then she'll stick around to give rides to people who've had too much to drink.

So, does Adam have this baby locked up? I think so. I like Kris, but pitting him against Adam is like pitting Bryan Adams against Freddie Mercury.

To be honest, it would be kind of cool if Adam and Kris both just decided that neither of them deserves to be saddled with that abysmal single and hooked up to the 19 Entertainment puppet strings, and refuse the title, making Smuggie the winner by default. "No Boundaries" was made for him.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Battle of the Netflix Stars #6

Bout #6: Battle of the Bromantic Comedies


Movie:Role ModelsPineapple Express
Year:20082008
Director:David WainDavid Gordon Green
Star Power:Paul Rudd, Seann William Scott, Elizabeth BanksJames Franco, Seth Rogen, Gary Cole, Rosie Perez
Plot:Danny (Rudd) and Wheeler (Scott) have easy jobs selling energy drinks, a life that sex-crazed slacker Wheeler is more than happy with. Danny, on the other hand, hates his life, along with himself and everyone else. When his lawyer girlfriend Beth (Banks) dumps him, he finally loses it and goes on a rampage that lands both him and Wheeler in jail. Beth works out a deal that will keep them out of prison, but forces them to do 150 hours of community service in a "Big Brother"-type program. Danny's charge is Augie, a geeky LARPer, while Wheeler ends up with Ronnie, a troubled foul-mouthed son of a single mom. It soon becomes unclear in each relationship just who is the child and who is the adult.After eternally stoned process server Dale Denton (Rogen) witnesses a murder committed by a corrupt cop (Perez) and a drug lord (Cole), he is forced to go on the run with his pot dealer, Saul Silver (Franco), after realizing that he left behind some Pineapple Express - a rare strain of weed that only Saul has access to - at the scene of the crime. As the bad guys hunt them down, an unlikely friendship forms between the sensitive, laid-back Saul and Dale, a guy who is awfully uptight for a pothead.
Pros:The adorable Paul Rudd; a cast featuring members of comedy troupe The State (of which director David Wain was also a member), whose brand of absurd humor is always welcome; the always hilarious Jane Lynch; the amazing kids - Christopher "McLovin" Mintz-Plasse and Bobb'e J. Thompson; the mere presence of Ken Jeong.
Rogen and Franco's chemistry and comedic timing; screen vets like Gary Cole and Ed Begley Jr. in hilarious "angry guy" roles; the perfect blend of different movie genres (comedy, action, adventure, drama); the mere presence of Ken Jeong (again), who is quickly becoming my favorite in Judd Apatow's stable of supporting players.
Cons:There are some clichéd moments, but nothing that will make you wretch.
Although a Jason Segel and/or Paul Rudd cameo would've been nice, I can't really think of any cons. I even liked Danny McBride in this, who I've never found funny. Even more amazingly, Rosie Perez actually didn't annoy me at all!
My Thoughts:Even though this came out before Rudd's other male bonding comedy, I Love You, Man, I actually saw it after that one and couldn't help comparing the two. I Love You, Man is far superior for many reasons - namely, because Rudd's chemistry with Jason Segel is much better than with Seann William Scott. I just don't see his character and Rudd's character EVER becoming friends, although the actors somehow make it work. And without comparing the movie to anything else, it's just fine. I felt like it was a bit formulaic in parts, but still hit both the "funny" and "heartwarming" marks that it needed to. I will say that, even though I love Paul Rudd, I felt like the real stars of this movie - and the ones who provided the most laugh-out-loud moments - were the supporting cast, especially the aforementioned Lynch, Jeong, Mintz-Plasse, and Thompson, as well as Joe Lo Truglio and Ken Marino.I wasn't sure I believed all the hype about how great this movie was, but I was very pleasantly surprised. I was never a huge James Franco fan (in my defense, I've only recently discovered the glory that is Freaks & Geeks) and was unconvinced that he was the "revelation" that critics and audiences were claiming him to be in this movie. However, he completely won me over. Saul Silver is one of the most lovable movie characters I've ever seen. Of course, Franco is not all there is to love here. The movie is thoroughly enjoyable, somehow managing to be many disparate things at the same time (action movie and action movie parody, goofy buddy comedy and touching [b]romance) as it throws realistic characters into a ridiculous scenario. Even if you're burned out on the ubiquitous Seth Rogen, this one is not only worth watching, but it's worth owning.
Final Grade:BA

Note: As good as these movies are, I Love You, Man is still better than both of them. If you haven't seen that yet, shame on you for six weeks.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This one is going out to the Smuggie himself, Danny Gokey. Maybe if he had sung this Terence Trent D'Arby song (instead of "Dance Little Sister"), the AI voters would have let him stay. But probably not, because he's a jerkoff regardless of what he sings.



I remember the first time I saw this video for "If You Let Me Stay" back in 1987. I loved the song so much that it prompted me to go out and buy Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby - on cassette. That was kind of a big deal because I was a vinyl lover, still buying albums even though all of my friends had switched over to tapes. So Terence's record was my first-ever cassette. Actually, it was one of my first two cassettes, because it was purchased along with Flesh for Lulu's Long Live the New Flesh. I STILL break out the Flesh for Lulu tape on a regular basis because it's one of my favorites, but I don't even know where that Terence Trent D'Arby tape is. I'm guessing that it disintegrated from non-use.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 5/13/09

Ben Stiller and the cast of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian open tonight's show with a semi-lame skit. I say "semi-lame," because although Ben and Hank Azaria weren't really that funny, Jonah Hill and Bill Hader were. Jonah Hill is kind of hit-or-miss these days, but when isn't Bill Hader funny?

Kevin Bacon in the house! The Six Degrees of Bacon game just got that much easier.

The Ford commercials keep getting worse and worse. This week's is set to Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride," otherwise known as "One of the Top 10 Things From the '80s I Wish I Could Go Back in Time and Destroy."

Alicia Keys comes out to talk about Idol Gives Back and receives a standing ovation like she's Michelle Obama or something. Then, she introduces a young dude named Noah from Rwanda who sings "I'm the World's Greatest" while dancing spastically. (I think we've figured out who Danny's been stealing his moves from all this time.) I guess this is supposed to be one of those uplifting Idol moments, and I really wanted to like this, but I didn't. I guess that makes me evil. Whatever.

Seacrest calls Danny Gokey to the stage first to talk about his homecoming in Milwaukee. Danny gushes openly to Ryan about how thrilled he was to be back in "best bud," Jamar's, arms again. We see them embrace for, like, 5 minutes during the video. Adam turns to Kris backstage and asks, "Wow. Do I come off that gay?" Danny's video is basically a lot of shots of him wearing that same stupid smile, staring longingly into Jamar's eyes, forcing out a few tears, and laughing while some poor, crazed fan tries to catch up with his limo. There is also a very deluded fan in the crowd with a sign that reads "Incredible Danny Outsings Lambert." Oh, Milwaukee. Have a few more cans of Beast.

Up next, we see Kris Allen's journey back to Conway, Arkansas. I find it kind of amusing that one of the places he performs in is called Simon Park. Okay, so maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's funny. Kris's video is very sweet, full of really nice moments with his parents, and Kris comes off the same way he has throughout this competition - friendly, reserved, and humble.

Before Adam Lambert's package (video, that is) is unveiled, Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks takes the stage to perform her new single, "Battlefield." (The song was written by Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic. Coincidence that KaRandy picked a OneRepublic song for Kris last night?) The set designers must have really screwed up the budget because they seem to have bought up all the dry ice in the greater Los Angeles area. Seriously, I can barely see Jordin. Except for her rump. That thing is like Nessie rising up out of the fog.

Oh, come on people, I'm not ripping on her weight like everyone else does. I think she looks just fine. But there's no denying that booty. Even Lil Rounds would be impressed with that thing. It's a force to be reckoned with. I don't think any of us were ready for that jelly.

With Jordin's performance behind us (har har), we move on to Glambert's homecoming in San Diego. Proof that Adam casts a wide net of fandom comes in two extremes. First, in the form of a really old dude who excitedly asks Adam to sign his white polo shirt. (That's just a tad creepy. I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked over a gaggle of tweens, including his own grandkids, to get to the front of the crowd. I'm just thankful that he was still wearing a shirt.) Then, we get to see the misguided chick who took her shirt off, only to be greeted by Adam's "ew, boobies" cackling.

The Glam One also spent some time with his childhood theater group, MET2, and he was really good with the kids, who all seemed in awe of him. Adam truly does seem like a sweet guy and, even though I've heard some people claim that he's insincere, I seriously doubt that he can be faking that personality all the time. Obviously, I don't know him, but he's always come off as completely genuine to me. Except for maybe last night, when he said he was honored to share the stage with Hokey. That had to be bullshit, right?

All the former contestants are in the audience, and even Scott MacIntyre's cute brother is there! But where is my girl, Tatiana? Bummer, I don't see her. But hey, there's Megan! Hi, Megan! Caw! CAW!!

Seacrest sits with the three finalists and gets set to introduce Katy Perry. As Danny is sitting there looking like his fake smile is just about to fade, Ryan says that Danny whispered to him during the break that he just wants to get the show over with. Douche Bigelow complains that it's enough already with the commercials and all the "playing around," and he wishes they could just get to it. Just as quickly as Smuggie brought the mood down, Glambert brings it back up by excitedly squealing, "I wanna see KATY PERRY!!" Kris cracks up, while Danny smart-assedly replies, "Yeah, that too." Boy, he sucks.

Well, no wonder Adam wanted to see Katy. Not just because he covets the Elvis-style spandex onesie she's wearing, but because her cape has "Adam Lambert" scrawled on it! (Thanks to eagle-eyed Falwless for pointing that out to me.) I guess that also explains why Hokey wanted to skip over her performance. He must be stewing. What? Someone doesn't love and drool over my awesomeness? How can this be?

Like all Katy Perry songs, "Waking Up in Vegas" is very stupid. However, unlike some of her others, I don't see this one EVER growing on me. But then, "Hot 'N Cold" has been lodged in my iPod for weeks now, and I hated it for a long while. So, who knows. I do know one thing. This chick is gorgeous. I've always thought she was Zooey Deschanel's long-lost twin and since Zooey's on my lesbian list, by the transitive property, I suppose that Katy is on my lesbian list too.

Well, Gokey can quit griping now, as it's time for the results.

Seacrest announces that the first person going on to the Finale is...Kris!! Shock! Awe!

I actually am a bit shocked, because I immediately fear that they are going to pull a Melinda Doolittle here to generate lots of controversy and watercooler freak-outs. As I wince in anticipation of Idol's most egregious error since booting Michael Johns, it's announced that...

GOKEY! You're going home, beeeyotch!!!

He wanted the results, and he got them. Yes, Smuggie, the judges may give you a tongue bath every week, but America hates you. But don't feel bad. You'll always have Jamar.

Seacrest cues up Danny's farewell package, while Danny keeps that fake smile plastered on. It's obvious that he's pissed. He can't believe it. I won't be surprised if he goes all Al Gore in a few days and demands a recount. I can't wait for his follow-up interviews in which he will try not to sound like a sore loser and fail miserably.

You know, I usually always feel at least a twinge of sadness for each person who gets voted off, even if I'm not a fan. But I don't feel the least bit bad for this guy. He didn't deserve to get this far. The only one crying is Paula, and it's probably just because her cup is empty.

Simon says that with the "dark horse," Kris, going up against Adam in the Finale, it could be a "big ding-dong." Hey, I like the sound of that! So does Seacrest.

And that's almost all, folks! Next week is the big sword fight, and we'll find out just who has the biggest ding-dong. We'll also find out if the new Idol single is as bad or worse than all the others. Apparently, the songwriting contest was canceled for this year (I guess they're finally done stealing my idea) and rumor has it that Kara could be writing it. God help us all.


More video clips available at MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

The Smuggie Has Been Taken Off the Market

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

More later. It's celebratory pizza time.

American Idol 8: SausageFest 2009!

Last night, three dudes tried to make up for the absence of the little red-headed girl. I'm not quite sure they pulled it off.

In years past, each of the Top 3 finalists got to sing 3 songs - one judge's choice, one Clive Davis's choice, and one personal choice. This year, however, the contestants only got to sing 2 songs apiece. I'm not sure if that's because Sony BMG demoted Clive last year or if it's because KARA DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SHUT UP, making it impossible to cram in 9 truncated songs in one hour.

Also, since there are 4 judges this year, Simon and Paula got to keep their individual picks, while Kara and Randy had to team up to choose one song for Kris Allen. I guess that makes sense, since together they almost make up one brain.

Smuggy Smuggerson was up first, which may be punishment for his horrible death scream last week, or may be some sort of thinly-veiled call to arms for his fans to vote for him like mad. I tend to think it's the latter, since the judges have never stopped pimping this guy, even though he sets music back 10 years every time he steps out on stage.

I was actually pretty impressed with Paula's pick of Terence Trent D'Arby's "Dance Little Sister." Not because it was an obvious "comfort-zone" gift to Danny, but because we just don't hear enough of TTD these days. Certainly not on Idol. It's one of those forgotten '80s hits that I love to be reminded of, although "If You Let Me Stay" would have been a much better choice. Then again, I'm glad Paula didn't pick that one, because I wouldn't want Smuggy dripping his mediocrity all over a song that I really like.

Dorkey, of course, didn't even know the D'Arby song, so I was kind of looking forward to a hilarious lyric-forgetting meltdown, like in that video that's been going around of him slaughtering "Billie Jean." Unfortunately, he must have actually practiced because he didn't flub any words. That didn't make it good, though. I mean, the vocals weren't bad, and about as good as Gokey gets, but he certainly didn't do anything to shed the nickname he's earned around the blogsphere - Karaoke Gokey. Plus, that lame attempt to scat during the sax solo and the hideous dancing just made me feel like I was watching some awful wedding singer.

But if the judges didn't de-pimp Danny after last week, they certainly weren't going to after this adequate performance. Randy thought it was dope, dude, and Paula thought Danny was fantastic. She even complimented him on his dancing and used the fact that she's a choreographer to establish that her opinion must be the right one. Simon liked the vocals, but said that the dancing was horrible (he knows more than the resident choreographer) and that the sax sounded like a "toy sax." Hmm. Maybe it appeared that way because the saxophonist was gigantic? Yeah, if I were Simon, I wouldn't have insulted that guy. Kara actually gave the most honest critique, that the dancing was horrid and that she probably wouldn't remember that performance the next day. Wow. Right on. And yet I still don't like her.

Apparently, Simon began molesting Paula while Ryan was giving Danny's call-in numbers. The camera wouldn't even cut away as they usually do when those two carry on, so it must have been R-rated. Instead, I was treated to a neverending shot of Ryan looking uncomfortable and Danny standing there with that stupid face on his head.

Kris Allen took the stage next for KaRandy's pick, OneRepublic's "Apologize." I am such a dork for this song and always happy to hear it, but I was a little worried that KaRandy was trying to screw Kris over with this one. Those high notes are really tough to reach, and the song is SO recognizable that it's damned if you do/damned if you don't as far as changing the song up. Kris chose the "damned if you don't" route by doing a fairly faithful version, piano and all. Kris was able to hit the high notes he went for, but smartly brought the majority of the song down to a lower key. It wasn't my favorite performance of his, but it wasn't bad.

Randy was like, "Dawg. It's who you are as an artist. Dude. It's the kind of record you'll make. Yo. Eep...orp...malfunction...malfunction." Kara, with her best condescending sneer, told Kris his performance was "competent," which isn't good enough at this stage of the game. (I guess "competent" only counts in Gokeyland.) Paula said there was a really loud "bum note" (really?) but that she was proud of him anyway. Simon took the opportunity to not critique Kris, but to take out some pent up aggression on the two birds. First, he told Paula that her comment didn't make any sense. Then, he told Kara that she couldn't pick a song for Kris and then bitch about the way he performed the song if she didn't tell Kris how he should've performed it. Kara started waving her arms around like an ape, screaming about how she shouldn't have to tell Kris how to interpret the song (a point I actually agree with) and then tried to pull the I'm actually an artist routine on Simon. "What are you talking about? Have YOU ever interpreted a song? I WROTE 'OPEN TOES,' BEEEEYOTCH!"

While it's always fun watching Simon annoy Kara, I'm so over these damn judges making this show all about them.

As we all know, this season is all about Adam Lambert. How many times has he been in the pimp spot? Enough that, next year, we may all have to start calling it the Glambert spot.

Simon chose U2's "One" for the Glam One, which seemed like an awesome choice. But, although this started out very nicely, it quickly devolved into an unrecognizable melody and a lot of yelling. Now, I love the Madame and I enjoy his high-pitched wailing when it's appropriate. But in this song it's so not appropriate. For me, this was his worst performance yet.

I think the judges are on autopilot at this point though, because they all went nuts over this. Randy was the only one who said he didn't like the way Adam went off the melody, but still thought it was a good vocal. Kara blahed a lot of blah, and Paula and Simon gushed of Adam's brilliance, with Paula, once again, giving Adam the crown well before the competition has ended.

Before the next round of songs, we got an Idol Gives Back report from Africa, courtesy of Carrie Underwood...who else? I get the feeling that when Simon Cowell needs his car washed, or Paula needs someone to pick up a prescription, they call Carrie. And she is always available.

Danny Gokey returned for his personal song choice, Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful." I didn't take ANY notes during this performance because I was falling asleep. Also, there was nothing so awful that warranted snark, but it was also so unremarkable that I couldn't think of anything particularly good to say. I was, once again, sort of amused that Kris was just blasted for being merely "competent," while Gokey is routinely showered in drool for the same thing.

Randy thought that Gokey not only proved that he can sing, but that he can really, really, really sing. Really. Kara was stunned, Paula was breathless, and Simon described the performance as a vocal master class. I need to borrow a line from Randy to respond to that one. *ahem* WHAT???

Once again, Smuggy couldn't just take the accolades with a smile and some class. He had to start yapping about how much he agrees with the judges for thinking he's great. I wanted to kill him when he told Ryan, "I just come out and do what I do best." What's that? Acting like a douchebag? Yeah, I'll give him that. Nobody does it better.

Kris Allen's inspired personal choice was Kanye West's "Heartless." (If he'd have done the Gay Fish song, I would've voted for him until my fingers fell off.) Kris has always been really good at working any song into his coffeehouse dude style, and this was probably one of the best examples of that. Randy and I both liked Kris's cute, fun, acoustic version better than the original, but Kanye would probably disagree BECAUSE HE IS A DAMN MUSICAL GENIUS, MOFOS!! RANDY JACKSON DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE! OH, HE'S BLACK? UHHHH...SO WHAT? DON'T QUESTION THE GREAT AND POWERFUL KANYE!

Kara told Kris he was brave and fearless because, "Who just stands on stage with an acoustic guitar?" I know, right?? That's SO crazy! No one has ever done that. God, that woman is so ridiculous. You know, Kim Kardashian was in the audience last night. I bet even she'd be a better judge than Kara. She has long, dark hair, so it would be kind of easy to make that switch, too. (I know all about interchangeable brunette syndrome.) The only problem might be finding a chair that could accommodate her badonkadonk.

Paula said that performances like that one are what keep Kris relevant. Simon had written Kris off after the first song, but changed his mind after "Heartless." Kris just smiled and pretended like he didn't know that the judges have been pushing for a Gokey-Lambert final since Day 1.

Closing the night out was Adam, with his cover of "Cryin'." Kara must have been so happy that someone was finally singing an "early" Aerosmith song!

I liked this performance much better than "One," but I still don't think it was one of Adam's best. I started to wonder if he switched over to autopilot along with the judges. The worst part of the whole thing was that the disembodied backup singer was way too loud. Adam has a good voice; she didn't need to help him out that much. Sheesh. And I have to say that I love his style and I dig the shriek, but I think he's been relying on that far too much. People are going to start thinking that's all he has, which isn't true.

I don't know. Maybe the magical Glambert dust wasn't totally working on me last night because the judges used it all. They did everything but kiss his feet (and who knows what happened after the cameras stopped rolling). And when Kara and Paula insisted that Adam was guaranteed a spot in the final, Simon stressed to the audience that we shouldn't assume that Adam will sail through and to make sure that we vote, vote, vote! I wish, at that moment, Allison would've popped out and said, "Oh, why don't you just BEG, Simon?"

Well, I didn't vote so I can't really be upset about the outcome, whatever that may be. But if you thought that Cowell was pissed when Melinder was voted off in Season 6, you ain't seen nothing yet. If, by some bizarre turn of events, Adam doesn't make it through, he will burn that theater down to the ground.

I think that Kris should be in the Finale with Adam, but how do you fight a prophecy? Unless someone figures it out, next week is Adam vs. Danny. As it is written, so it shall be done.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

This Space For Idol Recap

No, the world hasn't ended. I'm just super-tired.

Patience...I'll have your recap up sometime on Wednesday.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Caption Crotch-test Contest #22

Tara Reid loses a staring contest to a six-week-old cocker spaniel, making the puppy the victor of their chess/beach volleyball/staring contest triathlon.

There is your winning caption, this month provided by Words Words Words, who is now the undisputed King King King of the caption contests. (Pistols at Dawn? Who's that?) Are you people gonna stand for this kind of tyranny? Or are you gonna bring it next time and knock him off of his throne?

Until then, WWW, here is another award for your Wall O' Achievements.


I guess Tara Reid's disgusting, leathery midsection doesn't inspire the funny in many of you, as there were a lot less entries this month than usual. But here are the runners up...

The good:
"Tell me, Yoda. *IS* Darth Vader my father?" - Splotchy

The bad-taste:
"Aw honey, I've had bigger things than you up there!" - The Vegetable Assassin

The Tara-Reid-is-ugly:
"It seems like we are both aging in dog years, but at least you're still cute." - Mike

Friday, May 08, 2009

The Nora Roberts Collection: Sexy Danger

Okay, so I finally had to break down and comment on something that's been driving me crazy for the past month or so. (It's also a painfully slow week in the entertainment world, so I've got nothing else. These monkeys just won't dance for me.)

They've since been taken down, but every day on my way home from work, I was forced to gaze upon this horrible quartet of Lifetime movie posters - each advertising a new movie in the "Nora Roberts Collection." I guess I was intrigued by these ads because I am consistently amazed that there are so many gifted and penniless writers out there with great screenplays and/or novels in their dresser drawers, yet someone like Nora Roberts writes the same book 100 times and not only do people want to read each slight variation, but they can't wait to see the screen adaptations on Lifetime, a network that prides itself on churning out hundreds of movies based on three to five story templates, tops.

The posters also intrigued me because it's rare that I see such truth in advertising. It's pretty brave of Lifetime to honestly portray these films as the ridiculous slices of cheese that they are. (No, I haven't seen any of them. And I have never read a Nora Roberts book. That doesn't make me unqualified to bash these things. I mean, I've never watched "2 Girls, 1 Cup" either, but I think I can safely assume that it's disgusting.)

So, pour yourselves some wine, lovahs, and let's get lost in the sensual delights of The Nora Roberts Collection.

Midnight Bayou, starring Jerry O'Connell and Lauren Stamile

The first time I saw this poster, I seriously couldn't stop laughing at it. Please tell me - in what country, land, galaxy, or dimension is this clinch sexy? Does that woman look like she's turned on or having any fun at all? Did she just pull a muscle in her neck? Did she just find a giant skin tag on Jerry's back? And what's up with Jerry? Is he supposed to be blind and having trouble navigating his way to Lauren's lady parts? Was he in mid-caress and then remembered that he forgot to call his Mom and wish her a happy birthday? Or was he stopped in his tracks by a water moccasin slithering across the floor? They are in the bayou, after all.

Judging from the compelling trailer, Midnight Bayou follows story template #2. (Thankfully, Nora Roberts doesn't specialize in stories that follow template #1 - "battered woman beats the odds and gets a makeover and/or revenge" - because Lifetime really doesn't need any more of those. And Meredith Baxter Birney is exhausted.) The basic components of this template are:

  • Woman/Man longs for change
  • Woman/Man moves to a new town and into a beautiful new home that she/he could never afford in reality
  • Weird things start happening
  • Sexy stranger enters picture
  • Sexy things start happening
  • Sexy couple investigates weird things and discovers a dangerous and/or shocking secret
  • Worlds are rocked; sexy couple's future is uncertain
  • Love conquers all; sexiness resumes
Tribute, starring Brittany Murphy and Jason Lewis

I didn't really think much of this poster until just now. But it might be worse than the first one. First of all, that wallpaper is horrible. (Are these two actually going to get it on in grandma's room? Gross.) Secondly, was this really the best shot the photographer could get? It just looks like a picture of two people who weren't ready for the camera.

While the two actors in the Midnight Bayou poster look completely nauseated by each other, these two seem much more comfortable. It's a little more believable that they would have sex. But what are they looking at? His junk?

Sexy guy: Wow. Will you look at that?
Sexy girl: That's impressive. Holy moly.
Sexy guy: I know, right? I've never seen it look like that. I must really like you.
Sexy girl: So...are we going to have sex?
Sexy guy: I know we should. I mean, I don't want to let this thing go to waste. But I can't stop looking at it. Let's just hold each other for a while.

That seems a little racy for Lifetime, though. Maybe Brittany's character is narcoleptic? Of course, there's always a chance that they just spotted a water moccasin slithering across the floor. They are on a farm in Virginia, after all.

As the trailer shows, this movie also follows template #2.

High Noon, starring Emilie de Ravin and Ivan Sergei

This poster is probably the best of the bunch, although, based on his facial expression, it looks like Emilie might be standing on Ivan's foot. She also looks like she's into that erotic asphyxiation that all the kids are into these days.



High Noon follows story template #3:
  • Woman/man needs a break from her/his dangerous and high-stress job
  • Woman/man meets handsome rogue/independent, tough-as-nails woman
  • Sparks fly; feelings are denied
  • Woman/man finds herself/himself in peril due to a random psychopath/vengeful enemy from the past/trusted friend/evil co-worker
  • Woman/man turns to handsome rogue/independent woman for comfort; sexy things happen
  • Everyone woman/man loves is suddenly in danger
  • Worlds are rocked; sexy couple's future is uncertain
  • Regardless of their roles, man has to rescue woman
  • Love conquers all; sexiness resumes

Northern Lights, starring Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian

This one also follows template #3.

I don't know what to say about this poster other than Eddie looks like he's having a great time and Leann looks pissed. It kind of looks like a lot of girls' uncomfortable experiences with their over-eager high school or college boyfriends.

Actually, I think Leann must be warning him through clenched teeth, "If you tell anyone about our affair, I will make sure you never work in this town again!" And even though there was a good chance Eddie wasn't going to get any more work anyway, he did deny it all like a good boy.


I just wish that Lifetime would kick Nora Roberts to the curb and go back to giving us instant classics like Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (don't tell Emilie de Ravin, but Ivan Sergei is "Danger," and Tori Spelling is sleeping with him), and Friends 'Til the End, aka The One in Which Shannen Doherty Tortured Everyone With Her Horrible Singing and Then Didn't Even Die.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 5/6/09

Ryan Seacrest's dream has come true. Allison Iraheta has inexplicably been voted off American Idol, making it a big ol' sausage fest from here on out.

I will miss Allison, and hope that she recovers soon from her "accident." I put accident in quotes because I'm pretty sure that Simon ran her over with that bus intentionally.

You know, when Kris Allen (my pick to go home this week) was the first person announced as safe, I knew immediately what was about to happen. I did feel a slight twinge of "Oh-oh, what if they honor Daughtry's return* with a big shocker and kick Adam off," but that was only a fleeting thought. I knew he wasn't going anywhere. And, even though Danny Gokey's performance last night was epically egregious, America is continuing to give him Get Out of the Bottom 3 Free cards because his wife died.

Just when I thought that Danny's shriektasm was going to be the worst thing any of us would ever see on the Idol stage, Paula Abdul performed her new song, "I'm Just Here for the Music." (Interesting. So am I. Can someone tell me where it is?) When she started her number, I thought for a minute that I had accidentally flipped on The Cougar. Then, I considered the possibility that I had traveled to a Britney Spears concert 20 years in the future. But then I realized that it was probably more like what a Britney Spears show is now - lackluster and kind of embarrassing for everyone involved. I will say though that Paula has tremendous stones to get up on stage and perform in the same venue where she's normally handing out critiques. Apparently, she doesn't care about losing any credibility that she has with the contestants and her fellow judges. Maybe because there is none left, if she ever had any at all. But after that display, how can she possibly carry on with business as usual, sitting there week after week, trying to fool all the contestants that she has anything of value to say? Seriously, she's not allowed to use the word "pitchy" anymore. If she doesn't think someone's performance was quite "in the pocket," she should just say, "You need more Auto Tuning. And why don't you try lip synching next time? It'll sound so much better!"

And just when I thought that things couldn't get worse, No Doubt was inflicted upon us. They were anything but hella good, let me tell ya. I used to like them, and Gwen Stefani always sounded okay on record, but OH MY GOD is she a hot mess live! She should've followed in P-Ab's lip synched footsteps. She sounded weird, she looked weird, she acted weird...it was like watching the love child of Jim Carrey and Ruth Buzzi flailing around up there. Now when I think back to her eye-roll at Sanjaya when he covered her "Bathwater," I kind of wish he had punched her in her painted porcelain face. But I guess Sanjaya is getting the last eye-roll now.

It's a rare results night in which the group sing is miles better than the guest performances. Having Slash along for the ride helped, I'm sure.

You know, after those aural assaults from Paula and Gwen, Gokey's "scream heard 'round the world" doesn't seem so bad.

Ohhhh, but it was. There are already some fun YouTubages devoted to it. This one is my fave, but this one is pretty funny, too. The second one is an extended loop of the scream, which seems like it would get annoying, but right about the time you think about turning it off, it suddenly becomes funny again, and steadily increases in hilarity.

Hokey did seem to take it all in stride, admitting that he sounded like shit when he played it back last night, but I didn't necessarily buy his sudden shift into "I'm a cool guy who's not at all a douchebag and I can totally laugh at myself" mode. I think someone might be coaching him, or maybe he picked up a copy of Kris Allen's book, Humility For Dummies.

*I dozed off during his performance.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

American Idol 8: Welcome to the Jungle, Gokey. You're Gonna Die.

Tonight's episode begins with a dramatic reminder that we almost lost Adam Lambert last week - and Seacrest makes sure we know that it's n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no-body's fault but ours. It's so important to vote, now more than ever, because the judges haven't already decided the winner. Really. Honest.

Seacrest also informs us that no one had a proper rehearsal tonight because the set is falling down around them. Is it mean that I have my fingers crossed that something heavy falls on Kara's head? It would be great if that something heavy were the fists of Joan Jett and Lita Ford, because Kara really does need a beat-down for showing up in that "Biker Chick" outfit from Halloween Adventure.

Each contestant will perform twice tonight, but the new twist for this year is that one song will be solo and the other will be as part of a duet. This should be interesting.

I have high hopes that tonight might actually deliver on its promise of rock 'n' roll. Mainly because the kids are under the tutelage of one Professor Saul Hudson, Esq., also known as Slash of the real Guns N' Roses (not the band of bucketheads and botoxed freaks currently using that name). Slash tries to fill everyone with the rock spirit by having them rehearse with a live band at The Roxy, which they all seem pretty excited about. He has mostly positive things to say about his students, so let's see how it goes.

Madame Glambert is up first (is that a first?) and he chooses Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love," much to my delight. It's about time we have an Idol contestant who has the cajones and the chops to cover the greatest rock band EVAH. The Glam One is rockin' a new hairstyle that's somewhere between Kimberly Caldwell and Pink, and he is rockin' the studio as well. He is tearing this song up. He stays very true to the original, which is smart. This is the kind of song you just don't mess with. I'm a little disappointed that he doesn't do the patented Robert Plant mic-hold/shoulder-jerk (I do a really good Plant impression, people) but that's the only complaint I can come up with, and I'm just being facetious anyway. Randy labels Adam a rock star, while Kara one-ups The Dawg by dubbing him a "Rock GOD." (I wouldn't go quite that far.) She starts prattling on about how he should make this record, sing that song, do this, do that, make everyone from the show a lot of money, forget that he's not into chicks for just one night, etc. Paula's pun writers must have all left the building when it started falling apart, because all she can come up with is that Adam is "a whole lotta perfect." Lame. Simon tries to keep all of the feelings that the Madame is awakening in him under control while telling him that nobody will be able to top that performance tonight.

Allison Iraheta rocks out with her, uh ,extensions in for a cover of Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." I've noticed recently that, when Allison is singing, I stop taking notes. I can never think of anything to say other than, "Boy, she sounds really good." So, boy, she sounds really good. She's got the perfect voice for this kind of song. I'm starting to think the judges are either all on crack, or that they really want the first-ever all male Top 3. Those are the only explanations I can think of for why they've repeatedly given Allison lukewarm critiques over the past few weeks. Randy doesn't love it because he doesn't think it's the right song choice. Kara thinks Janis is the right choice, but that "Piece of My Heart" would have been a better song selection. Paula is the only one who appreciates how good Allison is, but, as usual, way overshoots the mark by predicting that Allison will one day play Janis in a biopic. (Won't Jenna Maroney be pissed!) Simon starts off nicey-nice by applauding Allison's "complete confidence" during her performance, but then goes on to say that she's not that original and starts trying to gently shove her under the bus. When she tries to defend her song choice, Cowell cops a major attitude with her for no reason and...Allison gets gives it right back! Yeah! ROCK 'N' ROLL!!! DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT FROM THAT OLD MAN!

What better way to follow those two rockin' performances than with a couple of wussy boys singing Styx's "Renegade?" Danny Gokey and Kris Allen perform the first duet of the evening and, although their harmonies are surprisingly good, their solo parts are dreadful. Watching these two dorks try to look hard is really painful. Mostly because my stomach hurts from laughing. The wusses even picked kind of a wussy band to cover and they still can't quite pull it off. Ah well. I guess it's not the worst thing I've ever heard. It's not bad. If this were a game of Rock Band, it would be just fine. Randy pretty much agrees with everything I just said, and Kara throws down the first pitchy card. Paula says that Danny and Kris were "powerful and compelling." What is she watching? Law & Order? You never know, she could have a little portable TV under the desk. If she critiques the next performance as being "ripped from the headlines," we'll know for sure. Simon plays mean Dad and just says that Danny was better than Kris. Danny boo-hoos that he can't hear himself on stage tonight, because of all of the noise pollution. Tool. Kris fumes over Daddy Simon's diss. He's totally going to steal money from Cowell's dresser and run away from home.

Before he does that though, Kris returns for his solo performance of The Beatles' "Come Together." As I said last year when Carly Smithson sang screamed it, this is one of my least favorite Beatles songs, so I'm already not happy. Kris does nothing to make me any happier during the song. He somehow still manages to Dave Matthews-ize it and, although it's not terrible, it's all just very meh. Randy isn't blown away by Kris's vocals, but loves his guitar. Ironically, Kara accuses Kris of "trying too hard." Paula says some things that make about as much sense as "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." Simon compares the performance to "eating ice for lunch" and plays mean Dad again, this time comparing Kris unfavorably to his favorite son, Adam.

Smuggy Smuggerson is going to sing Aerosmith's "Dream On." Okay. I already know this is going to be bad. I swear, if these judges - especially Randy - give Hokey another tongue bath after this one, I will lose my mind. Remember how much grief they gave Michael Johns last year for singing this? Remember how Randy said that this was a horrible song choice out of "all the songs out there?" Remember how he said that AI "wasn't about dreams?" Well, I do. Ooooh...but remember how Michael also got voted off the week that he sang this? Hmm. Maybe lightning will strike twice. I hope so. I really don't know how much more of this smug jerk's face I can take. I know that my pals over at VFTW are supporting him now because he sucks and they think it will be funny when he wins and makes an album that five people buy. And, yes that would be funny, but it's not enough incentive to support him. (Not that it really matters, since I haven't voted for anyone since Megan "Lady Caw-Caw" Joy.) I will say that VFTW made Danny their pick just in time because holy Lord this is excruciating. If this isn't "The Worst," I don't know what is. Hokey is just switching back and forth between mumbling and growling. Now he is attempting the Steven Tyler wail and............*thud*

Okay, so I just fell off my couch laughing. I have no idea how to describe what I just heard. The closest I can come is that it was like thousands of screaming Japanese people fleeing from Godzilla. My ears actually threw up. Seriously. I didn't even know they could do that! And the best part of all this is that Danny actually looks proud as hell of the giant dump he just took on stage.

Randy, moron that he is, forgets everything he said about "Dream On" last year, along with his constant claims that this is a singing competition, and gives Danny "an A+ for a valiant effort." Unreal.

Kara avoids saying anything too negative, merely suggesting that Danny took their advice to add in some "swagger" a bit too far. Then she makes her 100th mistake on the show by telling Danny, "I don't see you on this type of song, I see you more early Aerosmith, [like] 'Cryin' [and] 'Crazy'." WHAT?? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I've always thought that 1973 came before 1993. It isn't just me, is it? No, it damn well isn't. AAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!! HOW IS THIS WOMAN SUCCESSFUL IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS?? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHO STEVEN TYLER IS? KNOWING HIM AS "LIV'S DAD" DOES NOT COUNT!!!

I'm sorry. I went all Kanye up in here for a minute. And on rock night of all nights. It's okay. I'm okay now. Continuing on with the Hokey Pokey...

Paula tries to mask her hatred of Danny's performance by contradicting herself a few times before landing on, "ehhhhh, I'm a huge fan of yours." Simon basically agrees with everyone, including me when he compares Danny's final scream to something out of a horror movie. He carefully backs the bus over Allison once more, telling Danny that, despite that wretched performance, he'll be safe. Of course, Danny can't just smile and shut up. He has to take issue with Cowell's comment about his inhuman scream with a smirk-shrug combo and insists that it wasn't as bad as the judges claim. "I gotta go back and listen to it. Maybe they're right," he says, insinuating that they're dead wrong because he is AWESOME and he knows it. Seacrest reminds us that Hokey has never been in the Bottom 3, which I'm not sure is a pimp move or some sort of wonderful foreshadowing.

The second duet and final performance of the night belongs to Adam and Allison, who sing Foghat's "Slow Ride." Damn, what is it about Foghat that makes me crave ribs? (There's a joke in there. I'm confident that someone will get it.) Now, these two not only have good harmony but they can actually sing well on their own, too! How novel! Definitely the best performance of the night. Randy thinks it was da bomb, but not a hot lava bomb? The Dawg sure is getting stingy with those lately. Kara appoints Allison the Rock Goddess to Adam's Rock God. Paula thinks these two make "the perfect marriage," even though they will never have little Rock Godlets. Simon gives the Battle of the Duets award to Glamaheta, and gets one last dig in at Allison by telling Adam, "You may have given THIS ONE a chance of staying in the competition." Sheesh. If Allison gets "voted off" tomorrow night, I hope Slash accompanies her on a farewell performance of "Get in the Ring."

I don't think that's gonna happen though. At least I hope not. Allison definitely deserves to stay. Kris or Danny has to go. But they were both so completely out of their element tonight, so which one should it be?

Even though Hokey made me believe that some rock 'n' roll really is the devil's music, the judges clearly want to keep him around. Therefore, I believe that Kris Allen's lack of rock will get him rolled right off the stage.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

 

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