Sometimes when I read the entertainment mags, I have a hard time remembering what year it is. Like, my calendar claims it's 2009, yet the cast of Seinfeld is on the cover of this week's EW. There's talk of a Heathers TV series. And there is a Twilight Zone movie in the works.
They're Back, Baby! - Yes, Seinfeld is returning. But not in the way that you might think. And certainly not in some cheesy Brady Bunch-style reunion special that would find Jerry and Elaine getting married, George winning the lottery and buying the Yankees, Newman being named Postmaster General, and Kramer coming out (revealing Bob Sacamano as his long-time lover, of course). Knowing that a traditional reunion episode is probably the worst idea ever (aside from making a three-hour Seinfeld movie), co-creator Larry David came up with a novel way of bringing the gang back to life: a "fake" reunion on David's HBO sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm. It sounds like not only a great plan to appease Seinfeld lovers, but also to boost Curb's own ratings (even though the hilarious show isn't really hurting for viewers). The five-episode story arc (beginning on October 4) will revolve around Larry trying to win back his estranged wife by masterminding the Seinfeld reunion. I'm actually very excited about this. It's really the only way to bring back the show without actually bringing it back and ruining our collective memory of its greatness.
Someone Had a Brain Tumor for Breakfast - From an idea that is "so very" to one that is just so wrong...Variety recently reported that a small-screen version of Heathers is in the works, co-written by Jenny Bicks of Sex and the City fame. Although Bicks is responsible for one of my favorite SATC episodes ever ("A Woman's Right to Shoes"), I don't really have faith that a 46-year-old woman can tap into the darkly humorous minds of Heathers' teens. And bringing a hit movie to television never works. Remember Clueless? Fast Times? Ferris Bueller (poor, lovely Charlie Schlatter)? Apparently, the movie has to suck for the TV version to be any good, like in the case of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Submitted for Your Approval - Warner Bros. and Appian Way (Leonardo DiCaprio's production company) have plans to bring yet another update of The Twilight Zone to the big screen. As a huge TZ geek, I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, I wasn't a huge fan of the 1983 movie. While the first and last segments were well done, I was ambivalent about the "Kick the Can" update, and absolutely furious with the hatchet job done on the classic "It's A Good Life." I've also been underwhelmed by both TV reboots of the series, even though they have both produced a few gems (and the 2002-2003 update even features an episode with yummy Jeremy Sisto).
On the other hand, as I just said, the various tries at updates have occasionally had good results. And good stories are good stories. If the filmmakers respect the brilliance of the original tales and don't try to get too fancy or dumb them down for a sex and violence loving audience, there is really no reason why a TZ movie couldn't work. And I actually prefer the idea of remaking classic episodes to writing a new group of stories and slapping a Twilight Zone title on it. Mainly because if the new stuff sucks, I don't want it lumped in with the wonderful work done by great writers like Rod Serling, Richard Matheson, and Charles Beaumont, among others. Their stories are timeless. All that might be improved upon now are some of the hammy performances and the production and effects that were lacking back in the early-'60s.
In the spirit of positivity, I'd like to offer Leo & co. my suggestions for four original TZ episodes that could benefit from a remake:
1. Twenty-Two - This is TZ's take on the classic "room for one more" urban legend, in which a hospitalized dancer has prophetic dreams about her impending death. I'd always loved the legend and, although it should have been a slam-dunk for TZ, it's something of a disappointment for three main reasons: it's one of the few eps shot on videotape, Barbara Nichols is horribly grating in the lead role, and the big explosion at the end has all the drama of someone lighting a fart.
2. The Invaders - A really good idea that just turns out to be lame (even though a lot of other TZ geeks would disagree). The combination of Agnes Moorehead's incessant grunting, large lack of dialogue, and cheesy look of the aliens puts this one near the bottom of my favorites list, yet I can still see its potential to be something great.
3. One More Pallbearer - I've always basically liked this story, but something gets lost in the execution. Also, none of the actors are very interesting. But I think bringing this to the big screen today would be appropriate, since it centers on a very immature, entitled man who blames everyone but himself for the problems in his life, and is hell bent on making them apologize. That sounds like, well, just about everyone these days. And hey, I bet Leo himself could do a great job as the lead character. (I'm not saying he's a jerk, just a good actor.)
4. The Trade-Ins - Another essentially good plot that loses a little something in the translation and another that would be even more appropriate in today's image-conscious society, as it deals with a company that has perfected body swapping. An elderly couple visits the place to trade in their old shells for newer, younger ones but discovers that they can only afford one. Perhaps they could get Michael Douglas and CZJ to star in this one? (Sorry, that's my quasi-lesbian jealousy flaring up again.)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sometimes when I read the entertainment mags, I have a hard time remembering what year it is. Like, my calendar claims it's 2009, yet the cast of Seinfeld is on the cover of this week's EW. There's talk of a Heathers TV series. And there is a Twilight Zone movie in the works.
Friday, August 28, 2009
After watching last night's episode of Project Runway, I have a suggestion for next season: start out with 10-12 designers, max. I know that the show is a phenomenon and the producers want to keep it on as long as possible, but 16 designers (down to 15 at the start of episode 2) is just too many. So much is crammed into each episode that, come 11:00, it's hard to remember much of the fabric and fierceness (if any) that was flying around. (It's a good thing I'm a fast note-taker.)
Of course, it doesn't help that there are still no standout personalities in this season's group. Either all the fabulousness is being edited for time or there isn't any to edit in the first place. I hope it's the former or it's going to be a loooong season.
The beginning of last night's show found Mitchell thanking his lucky stars that he didn't get the boot last week after sending his model down the runway in a see-through dress. I assumed that all this early focus on Mitchell meant that he would either be this week's challenge winner or screw up again and be auf'd...
Continue on to Starpulse to read the full recap!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Bout #8: Battle of the Ultra-Hip Movies About Sardonic Young Adults (in which Michael Cera plays Michael Cera)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
As three London ladies once said, it's a cruel summer. Starting with the Celebrity Death Spectacular in June, this usually fun-filled season has been a real downer where entertainment is concerned. And the gloom train just keeps rolling. Murder and suicide are putting the reality in reality TV, turns out Jacko was "murdered," Ted Kennedy's dead, and Heidi Montag is still alive.
And when something awful or depressing isn't happening, NOTHING is. Aside from Up, there haven't really been any movies worth talking about (although I've heard good things about Inglorious Basterds). Aside from Top Chef and Project Runway, summer TV is what it always is - rerunny. And aside from the latest Pearl Jam single, there hasn't really been any new music worth pushing (seriously, Third Eye Blind has the #3 album in the country right now). There isn't even any trainwrecky goodness to enjoy since Paris went MIA, Britney is evidently concentrating on losing weight and actually paying attention to her kids, and LiLo is on the best behavior a hot mess like her can manage.
So, what am I to do while stuck in this black hole? Yes, what? I'm asking you! More dumb lists? Some sort of odd Photoshop project (I never did get around to that mythical second issue of Pop Eye Candy)? Fake record reviews? Another Battle of the Netflix Stars? Tell me what you want, people.
Monday, August 24, 2009
It's only fitting that the force that will one day unravel the entire fabric of the universe would have flaunted her destructive powers at last night's Miss Universe Pageant. Of course, not even I realized just how evil Heidi Montag was until she showed up in a TJ Maxx flesh suit and proceeded to set music back by 300 years by joylessly plodding around to a beat no one else could hear, crushing Alison Moyet's soul, and making anyone unlucky enough to be watching wish for the sweet, sweet relief of swift death.
No, I don't watch the Miss Universe Pageant. I was dumb enough to watch this shit on YouTube. And now I'm sharing it with you. Because if I can't enjoy life anymore, none of you can!! Of course, there's a chance you won't press play...provided your name is Jesus Christ. He is the only one strong enough to resist such darkness.
Hey, while we're waiting for those four horsemen, why not check out Britney's 2007 VMA performance again? It's like a blinding light from Heaven compared to the Hell we just witnessed, isn't it? Oh, Brit. Forgive us for crucifying you back then. We knew not what we were doing.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
No, I'm not posting the video for a dance hall classic. The title actually refers to the length of this post. I'm in an obsessive mood, so settle in for some rhapsodical waxing.
You know those artists who sort of lie at the outskirts of your musical mind? The ones you're vaguely aware of and seem to enjoy whenever you hear one of their songs, but some unknown force (e.g., laziness, forgetfulness, lack of resources) always keeps you from finding out more about them? Usually, there is some point when you finally decide that you ARE going to investigate, and one of three things happens: (1) You decide they suck and it wasn't worth the effort, (2) You discover a few more good songs for your collection, or (3) You fall completely in love and curse yourself and those unknown forces for cheating you out of that music for so long.
I've recently gone all #3 over Blur.
Blur were probably the most overtly British of all. Streams of British slang flowed from the cockney mouth of lead singer Damon Albarn, who complained about the Americanization of England ("Parklife") and satirized the "Girls Gone Wild" party-centric culture of the '90s to a Eurotrashy disco beat ("Girls & Boys"). I recently read that, after being torn apart and shunned on one of their early American tours, Albarn returned to England with the intention of "destroying grunge." I should probably hate him for that, but I can't, for two good reasons: (1) He's brilliant, and (2) He's one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen. (Hey, this is all about the music, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the superficial cherry on top.)
My rediscovery of Blur started a couple of months ago, when their video for "Country House" popped up on VH1 Classic's 120 Minutes. That song was one in a small handful of Blur songs that I knew, but I hadn't heard it in years (probably since it was first released in 1995), and I'd never seen the video. The song was at the heart of the "Battle of Britpop," the infamous UK chart battle between Blur and Oasis that even most Yanks knew about. Apparently, the song was ready to go weeks before but Albarn (supposedly at the suggestion of NME) moved the release date back to coincide with Oasis's release of "Roll With It." When "Country House" outsold the Oasis single, Blur won the battle but Oasis ultimately won the war by becoming an international sensation. (Though Blur would never find success in the U.S., Albarn finally broke through on his own, as the creator and only full-time member of animated hip-hop band Gorillaz.)
The video got me to thinking about this whole "battle" nonsense (after rekindling my old crush on Damon, who appears in the bathtub in that vid) and how, even though I liked Oasis, I much preferred the few Blur songs I knew to anything in Oasis's catalog. It was then that I stopped being lazy and finally delivered on my recurring promise to myself to find out more about Blur. Of course, it's much easier now than it was back in the '90s. If I haven't said it on this blog enough, YOUTUBE IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THE WORLD.
So, all of this babbling brings me to the first forgotten classic this week - one of those few songs of Blur's that I actually DID know (and probably my favorite) before fully immersing myself in discovery and obsession - "Charmless Man." Like "Country House," it was a song that I remember hearing and liking back in the day (both singles were from 1995's The Great Escape), but lack of any radio or MTV play caused it to be purged from my memory. Also like "Country House," I don't remember ever having seen the video, but it's a good one. It actually reminds me a bit of that Twilight Zone episode, "The Hitch-Hiker," in that the lead character can't seem to shake the unwanted person(s) on their trail. Of course, if Damon Albarn was following me around all day, showing up in my bathroom and breathing down my neck, I would certainly not be unhappy.
And now, to help you all along on your own path to discovering Blur, I'd like to give you a little video primer: one gem from each of their other studio albums. (You can also click the links throughout this post to see some of the ones I didn't embed.)
"Bang," from Leisure (1991)
Ahhhh, young Damon. This is actually kind of a dumb song (and apparently the band hates it), but the title gives me impure thoughts.
"Chemical World," from Modern Life is Rubbish (1993)
"To The End," from Parklife (1994)
Kind of a weird vid, meant to be an homage to some obscure French film. But Damon looks delicious as always. And the song...oh, the song just makes me want to cry. It's so sadly beautiful.
"Beetlebum," from Blur (1997)
Even though this record's "Song 2" was Blur's only true hit in the U.S., I think this song is so much better. I can't figure out why American radio wouldn't have embraced it, especially since we were all falling in love with Radiohead around that time and this has a bit of their vibe.
"Coffee and TV," from 13 (1999)
BEST.VIDEO.EVER! Well, okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. But Milky is the cutest thing I've seen in quite a while. (Note: Guitarist Graham Coxon sings lead on this one.) And what a wonderful melody.
"Out of Time," from Think Tank (2003)
Just a gorgeous song. The video is actually a live performance from Last Call with Carson Daly. I guess all that time I spent making fun of Carson Daly's show, I should have been watching it, eh? The official video doesn't feature the band, but centers on a female maintenance technician on an aircraft carrier.
Blur never officially broke up, but after Graham Coxon left in 2003, they refused to replace him and stopped making records. They reunited this year and played several gigs in the UK. Although Albarn has claimed that they wouldn't do any more shows, Coxon recently reported that they are talking about not only touring more, but also about recording some new music. I hope this is all true, and that a "tour" includes North America! I'm so angry that I missed out on Blur the first time around, and I would love a chance to see them live.
I hope you've enjoyed this blurry trip through musical history today! If I've made even one of you appreciate this incredible band, then my job is done.
Oh, and if anyone has Damon Albarn's phone number, please email me. Yes, he's missing a front tooth these days (and wears a goofy gold-plated one) but he is still hotter than most men with all 32.
Now, to close this post properly, here is a bonus vid for the song "This is a Low," a Parklife track that was never released as a single, but one that is rightfully a fan and band favorite, and one that they have often used to close their shows. It's a gorgeous, haunting song inspired by the Shipping Forecast, of all (British) things. But I think it's really about loneliness. Whatever it's about, it makes lovely Damon a wee bit emotional, as evidenced by that single tear at the end.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Readers! Gather round, please. I have an announcement.
I'm now doing Project Runway recaps for Starpulse. If you're not a fan, you'll be glad that I'm not recapping them here. You're also ridiculous, because who doesn't love that show?? Seriously.
If you are a fan (and I think we just established that you SHOULD be), I hope you will make the trip over to Starpulse to check them out and leave witty comments and declarations of love.
It begins here: Season 6, Episode 1!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I’m back! Did you all miss me terribly?
Oh, you did? REALLY? Yeah, I can tell by the zero comments you all left, begging for my swift return. Fickle blogospherians. What do I have to do to get you people to be lost without me?
Perhaps I wasn’t really needed over the past week or two because the entertainment world hasn’t been very, uh, entertaining. To prove it, here is a recap of some of the top stories that hit while I was away. I will do my best to make all of this shit sound much more interesting than it really is.
In the “Circle of Life” file:
Guitar inventor/legend Les Paul passed away at the age of 94, while Olivia Newton-John’s presumed-dead boyfriend appeared to be alive…and living debt-free (for now).
Country duo Brooks & Dunn split, while rumors swirled that Britpop band Blur is considering extending their recent “comeback” by playing more gigs and recording a new album.
In the “Things That Should Have Happened Long Ago” file:
Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. For realz this time. Boy, I hope these crazy kids can finally make this break-up work. Third time’s a charm, I suppose.
It was announced that Michael Jackson will finally be buried on his birthday, August 29 – more than a month after his death. (Ew.) I’m sure the funeral will be quiet and dignified, like everything the Jacksons do. And I’m sure Joe Jackson won’t take the opportunity to promote his new record label.
In the “Dirty Little Sluts” file:
Miley Cyrus worked the pole at the Teen Choice Awards while her pop beamed proudly from the sidelines. Ugh. Billy Ray Cyrus has definitely reached a Your Mama Don’t Dance kind of creepiness, but still has a while to go before reaching Joe Simpson's level.
Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, and Channing Tatum were the latest to be inducted into the “Oops, I never thought those pictures/videos would get out” club. And now people over the age of 14 actually know who they are.
In the “Who Cares About American Healthcare, When We Have American Idol” file:
Kelly Clarkson was Photoshopped to all hell by Self, in an issue that purports to teach women how to achieve “total body confidence” and features an interview with Clarkson in which she states, “When people talk about my weight, I’m like, ‘You seem to have a problem with it; I don’t. I’m fine!’” It’s really no surprise that the cover was altered. I doubt there is a magazine in the world that doesn’t Photoshop its cover models. The controversy probably would have blown over if Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger wasn’t a complete simpleton who thought admitting that the mag skinnified Clarkson “only to make her look her personal best” was a good defense. Or if she hadn’t made it even worse by telling Today that “she’s essentially like she was on the cover.” And Danziger is essentially full of shit.
David Cook recently crashed Green River Ordinance’s set at the West Virginia State Fair dressed as Green Man and won a special place in my heart.
Adam Lambert remade New Order’s “True Faith” video. Or got a gig as the Michelin Man’s goth brother. Or he starred as Robbie the Robot in an all-gay stage production of Forbidden Planet. Or he was just trying to guarantee himself a spot on the Most Ridiculous Album Covers of All Time list. Whatever. He still has a special place in my heart. But maybe he should consider posing as Green Man for the album cover? (Not to be confused with this green man. Been there, done that.)
The Paula Abdul saga continued. AI is still unsure (or so they claim) about who, if anyone, will permanently replace Drunky. Right now, producers are lining up a bunch of guest judges for the audition rounds, including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, and #1 Idol, Kelly Clarkson. However, a recent report claims that FOX is turning to focus groups to decide whether to suck it up and make a deal with Paula. I think it’s kind of funny that the article states that “FOX loves focus groups.” I wonder…did they use focus groups when deciding to bring a 4th judge on the show – one who is almost cartoonishly unlikable?
In the “Most Awesome Thing I’ve Seen In A While” file:
The couple in the photo swear that it's not doctored in any way. I believe them. I must. I can’t think of anything more soul crushing than finding out that this is a Photoshop.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Today is my sister's birthday (the big 5-0), so I thought I'd post one of her faves, The Bay City Rollers. Since everyone remembers "Saturday Night," I'm treating you all to a lesser known gem, "Summerlove Sensation," a song that was on the charts when Toots was 15 and I was 1. (That bit of info isn't really important; I just needed to rub in our age difference.)
Monday, August 10, 2009
And there is your caption for August, supplied by Bond. This is his first time as a Firecrotch, so I hope he can stand the heat.
Sorry for taking so long to pick this month's winner, folks, but as I said, I'm on vacation. (I'm not in a tropical paradise or anything, so you don't have to envy me too much.) And because I'm on vacation, I'm not going to the trouble of picking runners up this time around. But I'll give the Extra Achievement Award to Doc for entering so many damn times.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
This week's vid is for all the John Hughes fans out there: "Fire in the Twilight" by Wang Chung, otherwise known as "the running through the hallways trying to avoid Principal Vernon song." If it weren't for John Hughes, I would never have posted one of this band's videos on my blog. I can tolerate this song because it reminds me of The Breakfast Club, but everything else of theirs makes me want to hammer corn cob holders into my ears.
I really never thought there were any hardcore Wang Chung fans out there. It sounds ridiculous, right? But apparently, they do exist. At least on YouTube. One commenter said that the band "changes lives," while another declared, "Wang Chung is more powerful than anything you can imagine." Anything except the drugs that commenter is on, that is.
By the way, peeps, I'm on vacation this week, so I may only be posting and commenting sporadically. But remember, you don't have to wait until I come back to leave me comments.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
John Hughes, the guy who helped get me through my craptacular teen years in one piece, has passed away. Another in a recent string of celebs who have died relatively young, Hughes died of a heart attack while walking in Manhattan today. He was only 59.
In honor of the man's work, here are my Top 10 John Hughes Films:
(All films listed were written by Hughes; the ones he also directed are marked with an asterisk.)
10.Home Alone - I like to pretend that Macauley Culkin never grew up, and that he's still that little lost boy who learned about aftershave the hard way.
9. Mr. Mom - A friend and I saw this in the theater soon after I had developed a crush on Pittsburgh boy Michael Keaton from watching Night Shift way too many times on HBO (a movie that a 10-year-old really had no business watching at all). I actually remember writing in my diary later that evening that I wanted to marry him.
8. Pretty in Pink - This is one of those movies that I always try to like more, but can never do it. I want to like it. It's got a great soundtrack. James Spader is a wonderful bastard, as always. And, hey, the Dice Man makes an appearance! There are a lot of good pieces here, but they just don't all fit together the way they should. The main problem is that I can NEVER buy the Andie/Blaine pairing. He's such a little wussy boy. But that doesn't mean that I think Andie should pick Duckie, either. She wouldn't want to jeopardize that friendship. Besides, he's kind of a spaz. No, Andie totally should've given up on high school boys and hooked up with an indie rock dude.
7. National Lampoon's Vacation - Someone recently told me that they didn't think this movie was funny. I can't remember who that was. I probably cut him or her out of my life after that because, let's face it, he or she was probably a communist. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't think this is funny?
6. Some Kind of Wonderful - Even though this is kind of a rip-off of Pretty in Pink (with a more satisfying ending), it ranks higher on my list for many reasons - most of which are unknown to me. But the ones I do know are:
- Eric Stoltz is adorable
- Craig Sheffer is almost as good at being a dick as James Spader...or even ZABKA (hallowed be thy name)
- Elias Koteas basically plays a teenage Travis Bickle
- My favorite '80s song, "Beat's So Lonely" (the instrumental part, anyway) can be heard at the snob party; Flesh For Lulu's "I Go Crazy" is prominently featured
4. Weird Science* - This movie always reminds me of my Dad, because it's one of his faves. He's 81. (Boys never grow up.) I know a lot of people think it's stupid, but those people should be forced to eat a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. Come on, it's not supposed to be deep. It's just supposed to be silly fun, and it succeeds. Plus, it put Robert Downey, Jr. on the map, who went on to be a huge movie star. And it gave us Bill Paxton, who also went on to movie stardom despite the fact that his role here as Chet is still the best one he's ever had.
3. The Breakfast Club* - Back in the day, I probably would have put TBC as my favorite Hughes film, but the older I get, the more I cringe at certain parts. (While I did recently name this the #1 High School Movie in a Starpulse piece, that list was less personal than this one.) It still may be the model against which all other teen movies are measured, but it really could have been improved by cutting back the angst just a tad. Because really, I can't help but laugh every time Ally Sheedy earnestly proclaims that, "When you grow up, your heart DIES." Come on. I didn't even believe that when I was a teenager.
One of my very early posts here on The Pop Eye was about the The Breakfast Club's influence on generations of high schoolers and the strange, sad irony that no one ever got the message. Like parts of this movie, I often look back at old posts and cringe, but I'm still pretty proud of this one. (Even if I did use a similar, lame Simple Minds pun as the title.)
2. Sixteen Candles* - Yes, everything about this movie is hilarious: from the simple but brilliant premise to Grandpa Howard asking the Donger, "Where is my automobile?" But when thinking about John Hughes's impact in the film industry and in the lives of teenagers, it's really quite special to watch this movie now and realize that a good part of why these characters seem so real is because their portrayers look real. Anthony Michael Hall looked like a real geek. They didn't just grab some guy who looked like Brad Pitt and slap glasses on him. And Molly Ringwald became a star because girls everywhere could relate to her. She was normal. She could have been any girl in any one of our high schools. How many of us can say our classrooms were filled with people who looked like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? Not many, I'm sure. So, why do the teen stars of today have to be so perfect? There's a sad realization here: if Molly Ringwald were just starting out now, she could never be a star. There's a good chance she wouldn't even get an audition.
1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off* - Ferris Bueller is my hero. Plain and simple.
Here's an old trailer with a peek at some obviously cut scenes.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Yes, the one-time video vixen and her wall of hair turn 48 today. She hasn't aged too badly, I suppose. Certainly better than David Coverdale. (Unless he really is 75.)
On her special day, let's forget about the hot mess that Tawny turned into and take a moment to reflect on the just plain hot mama that she used to be. Long before CZJ came along, she may have been the first woman I considered having a late night feather pillow fight with, if you catch my drift. And if you were a frequent viewer of USA Up All Night, I think you do.
Still, even if Tawny was hot, her career was not. The only good things she ever did were those Whitesnake videos and Bachelor Party. (And in my baseball loving days, I gave her major points for scoring Chuck Finley. But then she had to go and beat him with her shoe.)
I really tried to think of something else that I could give her props for: Witchboard? Hell nah. Her guest spot on Seinfeld? Not memorable enough. All looked lost until I remembered IT. The movie that is so mind-numbingly bad that it is damn near brilliant - Crystal Heart. I tell you people, if you have not seen this, drop whatever you're doing and RENT IT IMMEDIATELY. Don't tell me you can't find it. Netflix has it. I checked.
Basically, some hack screenwriter thought it would be awesome to make a rock 'n' roll (and I use that term very loosely) version of Boy in the Plastic Bubble, replacing all the interesting parts with musical montages and replacing gorgeous and charming John Travolta with the dweeby white-man-fro'd pianist from Fame, Lee Curreri. And then he thought it would be even more awesome to have Tawny Kitaen play an '80s pop star cliché (lip synching, of course), who eventually shows her boobs when she and bubble boy have sex - er, that is, when they DRY HUMP EACH OTHER THROUGH THE "CRYSTAL" WALL in a clumsy, foggy attempt to be erotic.
And you know what? That hack screenwriter was on to something. Because it is awesome! This movie will teach you what life and love are all about! I believe in Crystal Heart 'cause I believe in me!
If you can't wait to get this movie in your hot little hands, here is something to tide you over: Tawny as Alley Daniels in the cheesetastic video for "Don't Touch the Heart."
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Oh c'mon, this is just another negotiation strategy, right? A scare tactic? A call to arms for all Idol fans? It has to be, right?
I know I said that four judges is one too many, but it's more specifically one Kara too many. Look, I know I mess with Paula a lot, but it's out of love. She can't leave! Who's going to be my "magnet of joy?" KARA?? Eff to the no! Kara won't critique people before they sing. Kara can't do the seal clap. Kara can't hear colors. Kara doesn't know where the pocket is. KARA DOESN'T DARE TO DANCE IN THE PATH OF GREATNESS!! Sure, DioHarpy thinks that Studio 57 was a real place, but not because she's drunk or stoned. She's just stupid.
Okay, I'm not going to get all atwitter (ha ha) about this. Until I get a REAL confirmation from a reliable source (tweets aren't exactly binding contracts), I am going to just assume that P-Ab will be returning next season.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Oh man. Why must we have Mondays? I wanna shoo-oooooo-ooo-ooo-oooot this whole day down, peeps.
Several of my brain cells died this weekend, and nothing interesting is going on in Tinseltown. Either that or I've suddenly become extremely hard to amuse. Whatever the case may be, I've got nothing. So, keep an eye out for the caption contest. I may have to post that later today.
In non-entertainment news, I met up with the lovely Candy (of Daily Dandy fame) on Saturday, who was visiting one of her gal pals in New York. It was just like hanging out with an old friend - she was devoon and her BFFs were awesome too. I felt a little bad letting Candy down though. She was under the impression that I was kind of a big deal in the blogging world and that - get this - I had actually met Sir Glambert. (It's all her fault that I had several dreams about him this weekend. Bless her heart.) I guess this proves that while I'm not Ms. Bloggy Bigstuff, I am a Photoshopping genius.
I'm really glad that Candy and her gang were late to meet me, because I thought I would have to spend the first 20 minutes of the evening trying to defend my own tardiness. (In case you don't know this about me, I am NEVER on time.) Luckily, we all got there at the same time and I didn't have to fess up with the real reason I was late. I suppose I can tell you all now, though. Can't Buy Me Love was on TV, and I couldn't turn it off.