Monday, September 27, 2010

Fundraising is Ruff!

Hi, Gang. OK, before you start in with the, "Oh, look who decided to drop in, like, a month after promising all these wonderful changes around the blog" stuff...I know, I know, I know. But don't get all high and mighty on me. I'm doing something good. And maybe you can help me.


As most of you know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And as some of you may know, finding a cure for breast cancer is a cause near and dear to my heart, since this disease prevented me from ever getting to know my mother. It's also the cause of most of my night sweats because, you know, I've got about 9,998 of the 10,000 risk factors.

Anyhoo, you might remember that I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K walk over the summer, and many of you generously donated. Well, I'm making a grab for your wallets again, peeps. My buddy Tristan (technically my sister's dog but he loves me best, so it's really like he's mine) and I are kicking off NBCAM with the Komen Paws for the Cure one mile dog walk on Sunday, October 3. Even though the 5K was more strenuous, I'm required to pick up dog shit on this walk, so I think I deserve some extra bucks for that mess. I hope you'll donate if you're able. To go to my donation page, just click on the picture at the top of the near sidebar.

Thanks in advance to all of you donators. Tristan is licking your face and humping your leg in spirit.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Caption Crotch-test Contest #38: Do-Over!

"Yes. With all this new found knowledge, soon I will run the chocolate factory!"

There is this month's winning caption, supplied by contest newcomer, The Real Johnson! Oh, how I love to see a firecrotch lit for the very first time. Wear this badge with pride, sir.

This is usually the point where I name the runners-up to the fiery throne. But I'm really tired today, so let's just say you're all second best.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Rating The Big Auto Insurance Companies

Are you a car owner looking for a helpful comparison of the major auto insurance companies? Well, you came to the right place!

Oh, unless you want to know about rates, features, customer service and boring stuff like that. But why would you care about that? The truth is, car insurance companies are only as good as their spokespeople and/or mascots. That's just a proven fact. Really. Read a newspaper once in a while. Sheesh.

So, with this in mind, here are the 2010 Pop Eye Ratings for the major U.S. auto insurance companies, solely based on their advertising appeal. Feel free to print this out and use it as a guide when insurance shopping.

CompanyGrade
Spokesperson
Comments
AllstateBDennis Haysbert








Mayhem
Much like James Earl Jones, people trust Dennis because he's got a kind face and a deep voice. They also trust him because he played the president on 24. I trust him because he was the guy who worshipped Jobu in Major League. Jobu never fails.

Speaking of never failing, how can you go wrong with the adorable and funny Dean Winter? He can be the tree branch that falls on my car any day. (Well, maybe...I have Erie Insurance and they don't seem to have ANY commercials, which, according to this ranking system, means they suck.)
AmicaFNoneOh sure, they're the top-rated insurance company according to J.D. Power, but their commercials are horribly boring. If you think about one of their ads while driving, you will fall asleep at the wheel. Seriously, try getting through Jordan's Story without wanting to drive off a cliff.
Esurance
D
Erin Esurance





Techies & Feelies
The former Esurance mascot was this pink-haired Kim Possible knockoff, of which I never really had an opinion, good or bad.

The newest spokespeople are a bunch of office drones who try to be funny but fail miserably. Judging from most of the YouTube comments on the Meet The Saver commercial, I'm not the only one who hates them. However, unlike most of those YouTubers, my feelings for these actors don't land squarely in the racist, violent or sexually deviant realms.
GeicoA
Cavemen
Kash









The Gecko
The Cavemen commercials were fairly dumb (although there were a few that made me laugh) and became so overexposed that I started to hate them. As for Kash, the googly-eyed pile of money, most people seem to think it's stupid, but I always kind of liked it.

However, Geico could create an ad campaign featuring inbred hillbilly heroin junkies who strangle cats, and they wouldn't be able to destroy the great image they've created with The Gecko. I can't overstate how much I love that gecko. I spend inordinate amounts of time sitting around, thinking about how much I wish he was real...and that he's my best friend...and that we frequently picnic by the lake, where we chat about our days, sing '80s songs and laugh about nothing in particular. Any company responsible for something this wonderful gets an A. (It's worth noting that Geico used to be my insurance company. I have nothing bad to say about them; Erie is just cheaper for me at this point. I'm sure my pal, the gecko, understands.)
NationwideF
The World's Greatest Spokesperson in the World
This guy is at the top of my "People I Would Punch in the Face Immediately Upon Meeting" list. Every time I see that commercial where he goes, "Guys, I just GAGGED," I'm like, Please let him choke to death...please please please.
ProgressiveC
Flo
Some people think Flo's hilarious and some people put her in the same category as that Nationwide prick. And there are a bunch of guys who want to have sex with her. I don't think she's worthy of any kind of strong feeling one way or another. She's just there. I do like the commercial with Pickles, though.
Safe Auto
B
Justin Case
This is so lame, but I have SUCH a crush on Justin Case. For one thing, I'm a sucker for a punny name. I also have a thing for slightly nerdy guys with dark hair who vaguely resemble Jason London. The only reason I didn't give Safe Auto an A is because of that unfortunate commercial in which Justin tries to dance like Michael Jackson alongside Lady Rerun. I'm so embarrassed for him every time I see it.
State Farm
D
Random Douche
I've asked around, and it seems that no one finds this spokesman (actor Eddie Matos) quite as annoying as I do. To me, he just comes off as a Ferris Bueller wannabe. I can't believe a panel of executives actually thought this squinty bastard was the least bit charming or capable of selling anything.
TravelersB
None
Travelers seems to have everything going against it: only an average rating from J.D. Power and no cute and/or funny spokesperson to speak of. BUT they get high marks for having several fantastic commercials, including Prized Possession, which follows the trials and tribulations of an adorable dog trying to hide his bone. Other great ads are: Rattlesnake, Rabbit Foot, Drifters and Red Umbrella Man.

EDIT: Ed pointed out that I forgot to mention another of Geico's spokesmen, the Rod Serling-esque guy (whom I've finally confirmed is, in fact, Mike McGlone from The Brothers McMullen) with all the rhetorical questions. I think about half of those commercials are funny, but the Piggy one totally makes up for any lame ones in the campaign. I love that little piggy almost as much as the gecko. ALMOST. Geico deserves its A for coming up with a lot of great commercials over the years, including Tiny House, Cabbage Patch Kid, Hair Loss, and the one with Don LaFontaine.


Can Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance?

Is being named the winner of BeckEye's caption contest the highest honor in the entire Blogosphere?

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Caption Crotch-test Contest #38

Here we have Katy Perry, looking decidely un-Zooey Deschanel-like and doing God knows what. Please provide an appropriate, heavily Auto Tuned caption.

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My Photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine