Friday, April 27, 2012

American Idol 11: 4/26/12 Results

American Idol dumped one more hopeful last night. Here's the good/bad/ugly of it all...

The Good
  • While I may have only guessed 1 of the Bottom 3, I got the one that mattered the most—Elise, who I correctly predicted would finally be sent packing after many false alarms.
  • Some of Jimmy Iovine's comments were fantastic, like when he said that the disembodied Jessica Sanch-heads scared him. He's not alone. I also loved when he said, "When the judges agree all the time, I fall asleep." Again, he's not alone. And I was glad to see that he hadn't been drinking the Phillip Kool-Aid. I guess he didn't have enough room after guzzling down all of Joshua's blend.
  • Although I'm not sure Katy Perry's pre-taped performance could be considered "good," she looks like the evil Zooey Deschanel so I always enjoy watching her.
The Bad
  • Season 10's Stefano (I guess he dropped the Langone) returned to the Idol stage to perform his new single, "I'm on a Roll." Yeah, he's on a roll with extra cheese. Is he even on a real label? Everything about this screamed Ark Music Factory.
  • Ford commercial, natch.
The Ugly
  • I can't believe the show opened with a Queen tribute band fronted by a chubby Freddie Mercury semi-lookalike, which was actually endorsed by Brian May and Roger Taylor. Tribute bands are one of the worst things, period. If I had to rank terrible things, tribute bands would go somewhere between pickles and Nazis clubbing baby seals.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

American Idol 11: We Will Rock You To Sleep

Last night, the American Idol contestants each got to perform two songs. The first round featured the songs of Queen, a band that, according to The Dawg's voiceover, has a history of "making magic" with Idol. Interesting. It seems that Professor Dawg of the Revisionist History Department is remembering the one or two good Queen covers to ever come from this show and completely glossing over its appalling annual tradition of brutally raping the Queen catalog.

Because either they're extremely forgiving guys or they really need new shoes, Brian May and Roger Taylor showed up to chat with the Idolettes and accompany them on a show-opening mashup of Queen hits. Eh, I guess that group sing wasn't terrible by Idol standards. (That means it was still fairly ridiculous.)

Jessica Sanchez kicked things off with the worst version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" I've ever heard. And I'm counting that drunk guy who belted it out in the back of a police car. Making it even more unbearable was the lame attempt to recreate the original video by projecting four disembodied Jessica Sanch-heads on the screen behind her. Good grief. But of course, the judges couldn't say anything too bad about her. Steven admitted that "rock wasn't her forte," but still surmised that Freddie would have been proud of the performance. J.Lo pretty much said the same thing. Randy avoided criticism altogether and claimed to have loved it.

Although I predicted that Skylar Laine would sing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (the one rockabilly song available), she opted for "The Show Must Go On," so I had to give her props. I thought some of her glory notes sounded a little strained, but otherwise it was a good performance. The judges all went nuts and Randy excitedly whipped out his new catch phrase, "SHE'S GOTTA HAVE IT."

I was hoping that Joshua Ledet would don a skirt for "I Want to Break Free," but he wore a boring suit and grabbed an old-timey microphone for "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Seriously, Joshua can sing, but this was NOT GOOD. His voice didn't fit the song at all, and then he just yelled a lot. But the judges are on auto-pilot with him now, so they all gave him the now-standard standing ovation. Even though Jennifer seemed the most hesitant to get up out of her chair, she said that "the Joshua part of the show is her favorite part."

Elise Testone followed with a fairly meh version of "I Want It All." I wasn't feeling all. Like I said last week, I'm over this chick. The judges thought that Elise was totally "in her element" though, and let the overblown praise continue to flow.

I'm also over Phillip Phillips, whose version of "Fat Bottomed Girls" sounded just like every version of every song he's ever sung. Randy was the only one who only "liked" it, while Jennifer and Steven continued be awestruck by Phillip's samey-sameness. Steven said that he loves watching Phillip run out of breath, so that's apparently the mark of a truly great performer. See how we're always learning new things by watching Idol?

Hollie Cavanagh ended the Queen round with "Save Me," an underrated song that I've always loved. However, I didn't really love Hollie's version. It wasn't terrible, but she really didn't go for a lot of the glory notes, and as usual, felt a bit stiff and emotionless. J.Lo gave Hollie some advice about forgetting about the audience and just having fun onstage, and it was actually so constructive and well articulated that I fell off my couch. And then I gave her a standing O. They're all the rage now.

Evidently, half a theme was good enough for the producers, as they let the Idolettes sing whatever they wanted in the second round.

Jessica tried to push America's weepy buttons with "Dance With My Father." Yeah, yeah, Jessica has a good voice but I just felt bored by this. J.Lo went back to making no sense during her critique, saying that Luther Vandross is one of her favorite singers ever, but that Jessica sang the most beautiful version of the song she'd ever heard. And even though all the judges were nearly orgasmic over this performance, not one of them stood up. They're saving their strength for Joshua.

Skylar grabbed her gee-tar for a cover of "Tattoos on This Town," which I'd never heard but immediately assumed was a Miranda Lambert or Kellie Pickler song. But after a quick Google search, I discovered that it's by Jason Aldean, who's like the country "it" kid right now. Anyway, I liked it. Skylar is by far the most poised and professional contestant left in the competition, so I always enjoy her performances, but she's always at her best when she's singing country. She came off as very natural and was kind of like watching any established country artist perform. So, I'd like to invite all the crybaby Scotty/Lauren fans from last year who accused me of being a "country hater" to lockthemdoors and suck it.

Oh, I almost forgot that during Skylar's critique, Randy took credit for inventing the word "ginormous." I think The Economist and Buddy the Elf might have something to say about that.

When Joshua returned, he was "Ready for Love"—not Bad Company-style, but india.arie-style. This was much better than his first song, but was it really worthy of another standing ovation or the judges' simultaneous orgasm? Probably not.

Elise courted the people-who-don't-watch-American-Idol demographic by performing Jimi Hendrix's "Bold as Love." I don't know how this girl went from one of my early favorites to someone I can't wait to be gone, but she has. Her performance was all over the place, and I got the distinct feeling that she was trying to hard to position herself as the "cool rocker chick." Oooh, she listens to Hendrix so she MUST rock, right? Whatever. I just discovered that John Mayer covered this song not too long ago, so I'd bet money that that's where Elise heard it, too.

OMG, in a shocking turn of events, Phillip decided to cover a Dave Matthews song! I have no idea what song it was, because all DMB songs sound the same, and all of Phillip's covers sound the same, so it was essentially the sound that Phillip's favorite color, gray, would make if colors could make sounds. Steven and Randy loved the performance, but Jen thought the song was a little obscure and "too artsy," something that has never been said about any of her songs.

Hollie closed out the night with a very nice rendition of "The Climb," and actually seemed invested for once. Well, if you can't find an emotional connection to a Miley Cyrus song, whose songs can you connect to? Somehow, Joshua hadn't completely worn the judges out, so they managed to stand up for Hollie's performance.

Sooooo...who will be under pressure? I'm guessing that viewers are tired of the excessive Joshua pimpage, which will lead to a repeat of the Bottom 3 from two weeks ago: Jessica, Joshua and Elise. And even though part of me thinks that Jessica could get Pia'd, I'm more convinced that everyone is just sick to death of Elise, so I'll be waiting for the hammer to fall on her tonight.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Friday, April 20, 2012

American Idol 11: 4/19/12 Results

Well, I went 2 for 3 (ALMOST 3 for 3) with my predictions, but ultimately guessed the wrong cast-off. While Elise probably should have been booted, it ended up being Colton. Perhaps his emo fans went too deep while cutting themselves, damaging their dialing/voting fingers. Or perhaps this is just another example of American Idol scripting a "shocking elimination" the week after using the judges' save. Either way, I really don't care. And neither does Colton, I'll bet. As his sing-out proved, he doesn't need this show. All he needs is THE LAWD.

The Good:
  • Uhhh...we kind of got to see Joshua in drag? Of course, it was during the terrible Ford commercial, so that kept me from fully enjoying it.
  • I guess I'll put Kris Allen's appearance here. He's just kind of there for me, and his spinning piano made me a bit dizzy, but his song was catchy enough. I also enjoyed Taylor Hicks' intro because A) he clearly makes all the show's bigwigs uncomfortable, B) it's hilarious that he's so excited about playing in Vegas, and C) he just shouted Kris's name before Seacrest had a chance to do his long-winded spiel.
  • Colton's gone. Although I'm annoyed that I almost put him in my Bottom 3 and would have gone 3 for 3 if I had, I can't say that I'll miss him.
The Bad:
  • The group sing of "Dancing in the Street" was pretty damn horrible, but it's not in the Ugly section because of some humorous bits. Like Phillip. Man, did he look ridiculous. Also, I loved how they threw Jessica out into the audience to try to fool people into thinking that she's connecting with them.
  • I'm officially sick of Elise and her bitch faces. Any time she's in the Bottom 3, she wears this expression like, "Oh these dumb voters don't recognize true talent when they see it," but this time around she threw herself a full-on pity party, whining that the judges are harder on her than anyone else, blah blah blah. And then she took a page from BB Chez's book by bringing up how hard she's worked her whole life. Boo hoo. Seriously, Elise, go back to singing six-minute songs in dive bars and get off my TV. And take the majority of the other Idolettes with you.
The Ugly:
  • The aforementioned Ford commercial, natch.
  • LMFAO's performance is here for lack of a WTF category. OMG, what was that? GTFO. The dancing zebra was pretty funny, but IDK who ever told those guys they could sing, dance, perform or do anything well. And I don't know why they were apologizing for party rocking, when "Party Rock Anthem" is the only good song they have.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

American Idol 11: The Not Quite Magnificent Seven Ride Again

Last night on Idol, the contestants each sang two songs from different time periods/genres. Ryan reached into the theme hat and pulled out "anything from the last 12 years" and "anything that might have been performed on Soul Train." OK, sure. Let's see how that went...

Hollie Cavanagh drew the Leadoff Spot of Doom because clearly TPTB want her gone. For her contemporary choice, she chose Adele because apparently Adele is the only person who has put out any songs in the last few years. I have to say though, after hearing "Rolling in the Deep" mangled by everyone who's tried it (except for adorable man-child Jonathan Groff, whose Glee version was just fine), it was nice to hear someone actually do the song justice. Hollie sounded great and actually seemed like a human instead of a cyborg. However, on her second song, "Son of a Preacher Man," it was revealed that Hollie had merely been upgraded to a more advanced machine made of mimetic poly-alloy. She didn't sound bad, but Hollie singing soul...yeah, it doesn't work. It all just played like a comedy sketch from The Whitest Kids Girl You Know. Randy said that Hollie did better in Round 2 than Round 1 (wrong), and Jennifer said nothing worth remembering. Steven said he couldn't judge the first song because it was "perfect," and then after the second song, he said "When I close my eyes, I picture you doing all this other stuff." Perv alert!

I wasn't sure if Colton Dixon did something new to his hair, or if the hen perched on his head just had her period. And I wasn't sure what in the hell made him decide to sing an emo version of "Bad Romance," backed by an all-girl band. It was just as ridiculous as you'd imagine. The judges went all ga-ga rah-ah-ah over it though, as they so often do. Randy even brought back his old favorite phrase, "We were just at the (Colton Dixon) concert!" For his second act, Colton sucked all the soul and fun out of Earth, Wind and Fire's "September" and turned it into some kind of half-assed OneRepublic power ballad. Still, it didn't bother me as much as "Bad Romance." Maybe because it seemed like it was 30 seconds long. The judges didn't like it, so they all blamed the song. It was the song's fault, Colton! Eye-fuck the camera again, pleeeeeze!!

Someone must have retro-fitted Elise Testone with some of Hollie's old robot parts, because she barely moved during her cover of Alicia Keys' "No One." She sang it well enough though, and the judges seemed to like it. Well, I know that Little Ms. Goosies and The Dawg liked it, but I have no idea what Old Man Tyler was trying to say. Round 2 went much worse, as Elise tried to growl her way through Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." Meh. I don't think even Bret Michaels would have been turned on by that rendition, and that guy gets turned on by menageries...everything, really. I couldn't pay attention to the judges' critiques because they kept making mistakes, like J-Lo calling Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" "Somebody to Love," and Randy claiming that Al Green sang "Let's Get It On." Then Elise said something that amounted to I need at least six minutes to perform a song well. Gee, it's too bad most pop singles are half that length.

Next up was Phillip Phillips, the only contestant for whom "song choice" is never an issue, because he just Phillip Phillipses (read: strip it down to its most boring, basic shell) everything into a standard product. And after putting Usher's "You Got It Bad" through the Dave Matthewsizer, he got the standard standing ovation. Randy and Jen gushed over Phillip's artistry and sexiness, respectively, while Steven clearly forgot who he was critiquing because he said that, with Phillip, "we never know what we're gonna get." I'm guessing that Steven is really easy to surprise. Anyway, then things got worse in Round 2 when Phillip put down his guitar for a cover of "In the Midnight Hour." It went how it always goes when Phillip is without his guitar—he made a lot of ridiculous faces and loped around the stage like an ostrich with scoliosis. Jen loved the "dance" moves, while Steven loved Phillip's "brilliantly awkward" appeal. Randy said, "Exactly what you need is what you have." What? Oh my God, all of these judges need to hire surrogate speakers.

Apparently, Jessica Sanchez's performance of Alicia Keys' "Fallin" was brought to us by Traveler's Insurance. (Sight gag!) Steven thought the performance was "passionate," but I thought it was boring. I mean, the girl can clearly sing but she needs to do more than that. Jen said something about "juggling balls" and I waited for a pervy comment from Steven that never came. In Round 2, Jessica (or, according to J-Lo, BB Chez) did "Try a Little Tenderness" while trying a little Joshuaness (yelling). On the heels of the MOST SHOCKING NEAR-ELIMINATION AND SAVE EVER, Randy made sure not to over-praise Jessica by saying a few things about not connecting with the audience that could have been construed as criticism.

The second Lady Gaga song of the night came from an even more unlikely source: Skylar Laine. She selected Gaga's country version of "Born This Way," basically cutting out all the references to anything remotely LGBT to ensure that all the Hicksville fundies will still vote for her. I'd heard the country version before, so it wasn't all that odd to me. I enjoyed the performance, especially the cute fiddler who stalked Skylar all around the stage. And while Skylar did a good job, Jennifer went way overboard by claiming that "a more perfect song for her doesn't exist." I mean, come on. I think the Kellie Pickler song she did last week suited her better than this one. There are plenty of songs out there that are way more "Skylar." I don't necessarily think "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" is one of them, but Skylar did a pretty good job with that one in Round 2. And that fiddler was still following her. Oh, the perks of being an Idolette.

Joshua Ledet got the (double) pimp spot, which came as a surprise to no one. For his first song, he dressed as a valet and lived up to his Mantasia moniker by taking on Fantasia's awful Idol single, "I Believe." The gospel choir was dispatched to Joshua's side...AGAIN. The judges gave Joshua a standing ovation...AGAIN. Steven said that Joshua could sing the phone book...DRINK! To close out the evening, Joshua whipped out "A Change is Gonna Come," which is always good for an automatic standing O. The gospel choir was strangely absent for this one, and only half of the Idiot Pit was swaying. Oh no! An Idiot Pit divided can not stand! Standing O, tongue bath, hyperbole, tongue bath, jibberish, tongue bath, Randy's not-so-subtle (and inaccurate) dig at The Voice, The End.

I'm thinking this week's Bottom 3 will be an all-girl affair, with Hollie, Jessica and Elise. I almost want to replace Jessica with Colton for two reasons: 1) The judges would never let Jessica be eliminated right after saving her, and 2) Colton sucked. But Colton could sing "I'm a Little Teapot" while slaughtering a panda and dumb girls would still vote for him. So, I think Jessica could still end up in the bottom. She won't go home, though. And I think Hollie bought herself some time with good performances and a likeable, albeit stiff, presence. Elise is inconsistent and looks pissed off all the time, two things that probably aren't earning her throngs of fans. Therefore, I predict that Elise will be watching her kiss-off package this evening.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Friday, April 13, 2012

American Idol 11: The Fake 4/12/12 Results

So, as most of you are aware by now, I was way off on my Bottom 3 predictions. I'm actually kicking myself for not realizing that this is usually around the time during the season that there is some type of "shocking elimination" or some other desperate ratings-grab stunt. In this case, it was putting Joshua, Elise and Jessica in the Bottom 3 and trying to convince everyone that Jessica was actually the lowest vote-getter.


Ugh. The judges and producers are doing everything they can to pimp Jessica and make sure she (and not boring white guy #5) wins this thing. I've seen some nonsense on this show before, but I've never seen anything quite as fake as that "shocking" result/automatic save display.

This may very well blow up in the producers' faces though, because viewers don't like to be told who they should vote for. And last night the judges chided America for "getting it wrong" and practically begged everyone to "vote for the BEST," making it clear that they've decided Jessica is the best singer in the competition (and in the WORLD) and, therefore, deserves to win.

The little one-act play didn't do much to paint Jessica as humble or likeable, either. I doubt that her mantra of "I've worked hard my WHOLE life" made anyone with a real job feel bad for or connected to her in any way. I wouldn't say that Jessica is necessarily worthy of our hate, but I don't think she's likeable enough to win a popularity contest (on her own), which is what this show is, despite what The Dawg constantly barks otherwise. But whether this plan backfires or not, I guess the producers can do whatever the hell they want. We never see the vote tallies, so they can (and probably will) certainly orchestrate a Jessica win if that's what they want.

What I find most annoying about the Jessica pimpage is that the judges will say things to her like, "No one sings like you" and "We've never had anyone like you on this stage," when she sounds almost exactly like Jennifer Hudson! And it was even more apparent last night, because J-Hud was one of the musical guests. But no one will mention the similarities because they're trying to paint Jessica as such an original. It's just interesting that the judges weren't nearly as excited about J-Hud's voice during her season. She was even voted off in favor of screechy Fantasia (the ultimate winner), Diana (who?) DeGarmo and Jasmine (again...who?) Trias. Even that ginger ding-dong John Stevens outlasted an eventual OSCAR WINNER. That says pretty much everything you need to know about how much talent actually matters on Idol.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

American Idol 11: The Not Quite Magnificent Seven

Ok kids, so I started my recap last night, but lost interest after the stupid Photoshop. So before the results are announced, I'mma give you a half-assed post.

Here is how I would rank last night's performances:
1. Skylar
2. Joshua
3. Jessica
4. Colton (yeah, I can't believe it either)
5. Elise
6. Hollie
7. Phillip

The less said about the duets and trio, the better.

I predict that the Bottom 3 will be all girls—Skylar, Hollie and Elise—and Hollie is done. Let's see if I'm right...NOW!

Friday, April 06, 2012

American Idol 11: 4/5/12 Results

I think I'll be sticking with the Good/Bad/Ugly format for recapping the American Idol results shows. No need to drag it out into a needlessly lengthy process. And that is a sentence the AI producers have NEVER said.

The Good:

  • The skeleton of Kellie Pickler performed a new song about Tammy Wynette, and I actually quite liked it. Kellie sounded good and she didn't come off as annoying as she used to. But damn, girl needs a sandwich.
  • Phillip(s) responding to Jimmy's critique by saying that running out and touching the audience's hands kind of made me love him. Especially because it had nothing to do with Jimmy's comments, which were more about Phillip(s)'s habit of singing everything the same way all the time. Oh, what a pretty, dumb thing he is. I wonder if he's a germophobe, like Howie Mandel? He's such a rube; he probably thinks you can catch kidney stones from hand-to-hand contact.
  • I had the Bottom 3 (DeAndre, Hollie and Elise) right!
  • Even though he wasn't my pick to go, Simba Brackensick was booted off Pride Rock. Can't say I'll miss him. We all know that J.Lo will.
The Bad:
  • J.Lo's new video for "Dance Again" premiered, and sweet holy hell was it terrible. It wasn't as grating as "On the Floor" (hmm, I'm getting the feeling that she likes to dance) but her voice was so Auto-tuned and propped up by studio magic that it didn't even sound like a human being. I did get a good chuckle when Jen said she loved the song's "message." Because from what I could tell, the message was: Abandon your clothes for body glitter and get up on some younger dude. Uh...OK, I guess that's not a TERRIBLE message, now that I think about it.
  • After Jimmy said that Jessica's performance wasn't as good as it could have been, Jessica claimed that there weren't many songs from the '80s that fit her voice. Oh, sure. Not one song was written in that entire ten-year period that's worthy of being sung by her special voice. I think she's a good singer, but she really makes it difficult to like her. Someone needs to break the news to her that she's just a J-Hud soundalike with none of J-Hud's charisma.
  • I had no idea who The Wanted were when Seacrest introduced them, but to my surprise, I actually recognized the song they were singing. I've already forgotten how it goes, though. The song was catchy enough, but the performance was just annoying. At first, I thought they'd given the Idiot Pit some Five Hour Energy martinis, but they were actually professional dancers. The Idiot Pit was just over a few feet, still comprised of the same rhythmically challenged...well...idiots. Hence the name.
The Ugly:
  • Those punks did NOT just deadpan their way through a fabulous Supergrass song for that Ford commercial. Did they? No, they couldn't have. I refuse to believe that happened.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

American Idol 11: Songs From the Year Most of You Weren't Even a Glint in Your Parents' Eyes

Hey, folks! So, I know I never posted a recap of last week's results show. Perhaps I was severely depressed over my dear, sweet Heejun's ousting. Or perhaps I had better things to do. You pick the story that you like best. While you're at it, concoct a good excuse for why I couldn't make a fancy Photoshopped image for this week's post.

Although the words, "It's '80s Night," usually fill me with glee, the same words usually make me cringe when followed by "on American Idol." The '80s are MY decade, and this show's idiot contestants have historically treated it pretty badly by zeroing in on all of its worst sappy ballads, or just flat-out breaking the rules by picking old soul/R&B songs that just happened to have been covered in the '80s. Let's hope not too much of this nonsense goes down tonight. I'm already on edge looking at Randy's psychotic clown shirt. Did he go all Scarlett O'Hara and tear down a circus tent to make that? Eegads.

Tonight's mentors are Gwen Stefani and one of the guys from No Doubt. I don't remember which one, because Gwen is always standing in front of them and hogging the spotlight by posing seductively with fruit and such. Don't speak, No Doubt guy. I know what you're thinking.

DeAndre Brackensick kicks the show off in the cheesiest way possible—sitting in the audience warbling a vaguely familiar DeBarge song. I don't know the title and don't care enough to look it up. If it ain't "Rhythm of the Night," who cares, right? His falsetto isn't as grating this week and he actually sounds decent, but I still find this kid boring as shit. Of course, the judges praise him like crazy, with Jennifer barely able to contain her love for Little Mr. Hair-Tosser, and Steven announcing that he was "captivated." Randy guesses that El DeBarge is probably proud of DeAndre right now, which marks the first time anyone has stopped to think about El DeBarge in the last 20 years. The Idiot Pit has no idea who that is. They probably think the El DeBarge is some kind of ferry that takes you from Chicago to Canada.

The mentors save us from the eleventy-millionth terrible AI cover of "Hallelujah" by convincing Elise Testone that she sounds much better on Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is." There's something about Elise's voice that bugs me. Even when I like her performances, there's always a note or six that are just cat-in-heat awful. This song is no exception, but I actually prefer her on this to some of the other songs that have earned her wild praise from the judges. Accordingly, the judges bitch about her pitch this time around and give her negative remarks across the board. J.Lo has a Paula moment when she says, "Yeah, I think what THEY heard was..." before Randy even gives his critique. Steven also has a Paula moment when he fails to string a coherent sentence together.

Adding some extra padding to this two-hour extravaganza are Idolette duets. The first duet belongs to Colton Dixon and Skylar Laine. They sing "Islands in the Stream," and it's about as bland and expressionless as Kenny Rogers' new face. They don't sound BAD; they're just there. I notice that Colton's all blonde now. I guess he doesn't look like Ace Ventura anymore, but he still looks like a horse's ass. Seacrest tries to ignite some Colton/Skylar romance rumors, but give me a break. They can't even sing the line "making love with each other." That would probably get Colton kicked out of his church.

There are so many songs from the '80s that I adore, yet Phillip Phillips hones in on one I absolutely hate: "That's All" by Genesis. Ugggggh. I can't even really focus on it because I hate this song so much. He sounds OK, I guess. Typical Dave Matthews-meets-Joe Cocker stuff. The judges love Phillip as always, and love that he brought his brother (or brother-in-law?) on stage to accompany him.

As DeAndre kind of looks like a Pointer Sister, he gets to duet on "I'm So Excited" with Hollie Cavanagh, who looks like a mannequin who just came to life and is trying to figure out how her body works. Holy awkward. And holy cheeseball. For some reason, Steven loves this duet, and says "beautiful" a record number of times.

Well, well, well...what's this? Joshua Ledet is singing "If You Don't Know Me By Now," because it's an old soul song covered by Simply Red in the '80s. How lucky for him. Joshua gets propped up by the gospel choir once again, and wins the judges over toward the end of the performance by screaming his little heart out. Cue standing ovation and tongue bath. Randy babbles on about how Joshua's GOTTA HAVE IT, which is apparently the catch phrase he's trying desperately to make happen this year. I guess IN IT TO WIN IT is out?

Jessica Sanchez takes on a Whitney Houston song, and thank God it's "How Will I Know" and not another ballad. Jessica claims that it's actually her alter ego, B.B. Chez, who is performing tonight. You know, it's annoying enough when a huge celebrity like Beyonce adopts an alter ego, but when a 16-year-old reality show contestant does it, you just kind of want her to fall face first off the stage. She doesn't though, and Jessica or B.B. or whoever the hell she is performs it well enough. Jennifer still can't believe that those big vocals are coming out of Jessica's little body, and Steven thinks everything Jessica does is...wait for it....BEAUTIFUL. Randy takes this opportunity to remind everyone that he KNEW WHITNEY HOUSTON! AND HE WORKED ON THAT SONG!

Elise and Phillip drag the Tom Petty/Stevie Nicks classic, "Stop Dragging My Heart Around," through the mud and I am not happy. The judges somehow think this is great. Lunatics.

OK, let's forget Randy's shirt for a second and focus on Steven. What the hell is he wearing?? Is he dressed like a...rag doll?

Speaking of hot tramps and daddy's little cuties, Hollie Cavanagh shows up in a bright blue Tina Turner-esque dress that I have to admit to liking. It's one of those dresses that I would impulsively buy, try on several times in front of my mirror, but never wear out because I'd be afraid that people would mistake me for a streetwalker or just your run-of-the-mill slutty cougar. Anyway, Hollie insists on singing "Flashdance...What a Feeling." Jimmy Iovine is right when he says this is a corny song. And I'm a Steel Town girl who grew up wanting to live in an awesome loft and dance like Jennifer Beals (before I knew it wasn't her dancing) for much of my young life, so if I think it's corny, you know it's corny. I don't know why they didn't talk her out of it. She falls way short of taking her passion and making it happen. In her defense, it's probably pretty hard for a cyborg to effectively convey the joy of dancing. The judges all tell Hollie to stop listening to what everyone is telling her to do and listen to what they're telling her now: Let go. Stop thinking. Be HUMAN.

I'm sure Jessica and Joshua were paired up for a duet by total luck of the draw. It's not like they're the judges' two favorites or anything. Of course not. They sing the Aretha Franklin/George Michael number, "I Knew You Were Waiting for Me." In order for these two to NOT get a standing ovation, one or both of them will have to slit an audience member's throat and then force the judges to drink the blood. No blood is shed, so the judges get up off their asses and crawl up Jessica and Joshua's. J.Lo predicts these two could be in the Finale. Steven says that the performance was "so over the top that it defies judging." (As if he ever really judges.) Randy says JESSICA AND JOSHUA GOTTA HAVE IT! THEY'RE SO FETCH! I WORKED ON THAT SONG, TOO! I KNOW ARETHA FRANKLIN! GEORGE MICHAEL HIT ON ME ONCE! DAWG! YO! HOW AM I STILL EMPLOYED?? YEEEAH YEAAAH!

Colton Dixon takes on Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time," and much to my surprise, I don't immediately hate this version. It's not quite as whiny and emo as his stuff usually is. In fact, it kind of reminds me of Rick covered by Coldplay. Then Colton admits to Seacrest that he totally ripped off the arrangement from a band called Quiet Drive. Well, at least he didn't pull a Daughtry and actually copped to it right away. The judges all love Colton, but they love the band's drummer even more. Said drummer, known only as "Rex," gets more accolades than Colton, yet the camera man doesn't even bother to get a close up of the guy.

Closing things out is Skylar Laine, who, at the prodding of the mentors, switches from her originally planned "9 to 5" to "Wind Beneath My Wings." Skylar sounds a little nasally as usual, especially at the beginning, but she does a good job with this. I'm actually impressed by some of the notes she hits because I didn't know that she had quite that range. So, it's a good performance to close out the show, but I still can't help but wish that someone would just kill this song. The judges give Skylar a standing O, and J.Lo tries to squeeze out some fake tears. Steven predicts that Skylar has a great career ahead of her. Well, since she's not likely to win the whole thing, I suppose she could end up opening for Bucky Covington some day. Whoo!

It seems very clear to me that the Bottom 3 will be DeAndre, Elise and Hollie. I'm not completely sure who will be going home. I think everyone is sick of DeAndre, but the judges really pimp him hard, so I have a feeling that Hollie will be the one sent packing. At least she only has to pack an oil can and a few extra fuses.

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Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine