The Heavy Metal Crutch

If you've ever been to a rock concert, or at least seen concert footage on TV, you'll know that there are five things always present at such an event. They are as follows:

1. Lighters
2. Weed (if you don't see it, you can still smell it)
3. Beer
4. "Devil horn" symbols
5. Exposed breasts

There is a sixth object that can usually be found in the audience as well, but it is specially reserved for metal and/or hard rock. The above items are those that, while most prevalent at metal shows, can still be found at just about any musical performance. I've seen clueless guys making the devil-horn sign while jamming out to Steve Miller. I'm sure some weird chick has even gotten wasted and flashed her boobs at a John Tesh concert. It happens. But there is one thing that John Tesh will never share with the hard rockin' bands out there - the heavy metal crutch. (The term "heavy metal crutch" was coined by me...as far as I know. You may use it freely, but only for personal use. Any commercial use of said phrase will result in paying me any money you might inexplicably make from it.)

You've seen it at the Metallica or Motley Crue show. You've seen it immortalized in thousands of metal videos. There's always one. A crutch rising up out of the darkness, waving like the ultimate flag of coolness. Rarely do you see the crutch's rightful owner, but you just know that he (most likely a he) is a serious bad-ass. If you could talk to him, he might say, "Sit out the Whitesnake concert just because I broke my leg in two places? Hell no, man...I ain't no pussy! Rawk 'n rooooooooolll!"

I suppose that leg/ankle injuries are fairly common, so it would stand to reason that at least one or two limpers might be found in such large groups of people. Still, it's rather strange to find a gimp at every show. Many lesser rockers sell their tickets and stay home, faced with the possible pain and inconvenience involved in shuffling through the sea of people, trekking to their seats and finally being crammed in like sardines while fans thrash around and stumble drunkenly about. Not Crutch Man. He will be there. He might even attempt to mosh or start a fight. He rules.

Generally, there is usually only room for one Crutch per show. Occasionally, two such Gods among men will show up at the same concert. Even less frequently, they will run into each other. If this happens, an instant bond of friendship will be sealed between the two. They will be like Mick and Keith or Page and Plant...true rock icons and masters of the universe.

Now, please take out your lighters and pay homage to the Heavy Metal Crutch.


**By the way, thanks to everyone for their input on my new template! I'm rewarding you with this somewhat disjointed, weird post. And no, I wasn't high when I wrote it.