ANTM 9, Week 5

Does anyone even care about these recaps? I know it's not American Idol y'all, but this week's episode did actually feature some singing!

Even if you don't reguarly watch the show, you may have caught on to a distinct pattern by reading my blog. The girls who are prominently featured during an episode, especially those who we get to know a little better at the top of the show, will always be in the Bottom 2.

This week we learn that Ambreal is one of those annoying types who sings for everyone, even if they don't want to hear it. It's not that she can't sing. Her voice is pleasant enough. I just can't hack those types of people. You know, the ones who think they're the next Whitney Houston, so insist on force-feeding you their rendition of "I Will Always Love You" at the breakfast table. Hey, I enjoy music, but that doesn't mean that I want to be the judge at someone's imaginary audition.

We also find out a bit more about Janet, who has turned into the "house Mom." She's always nagging the girls to clean up, do their dishes, etc. You know, things that pretty girls shouldn't have to do. Janet also tells us that if she were to be eliminated this week, she would be absolutely heartbroken. That's if she got voted off. If. This is all purely hypothetical, of course!

That weird, voguey guy, Benny Ninja, shows up so that means there's gonna be some fierce posin' going on! He tries to get all of the girls to strike some poses while bouncing on a trampoline, and not a one actually cracks her head open. Well, Heather comes pretty damn close. Graceful she ain't. Ambreal does really well and immediately starts talking about how she couldn't possibly get voted off this week since she rocks so hard.

Back at model-base, some of the modelettes finally get around to the annual "streak through the house and jump in the pool" party. Man, these girls this year are late bloomers. This usually happens some time between weeks 1 and 2.

Ninja boy summons the gals to a skating rink for their posing challenge. With the help of pro-skater and famed adulterer, Lloyd Eisler, they are to "emote" while holding a pose while gliding around the ice. Danielle, the winner from Cycle 6, also shows up to lend a hand, which basically means she just stands around looking bored. Heather gets an "A" for awkwardness again, and Ebony's facial expressions can only be described as Buster Keaton-meets-crack whore. Lisa does a great job and ends up winning the challenge, which pisses Ambreal (I should've won!) and Bianca (I hate everyone!) off.

As winner of this week's challenge, Lisa gets to do an advertorial in Seventeen with Danielle and two of her model friends. She chooses Ebony and Janet. The pictures look great, but while they're all off being models, the other girls are back home being catty bitches. When Lisa and friends arrive back at the house, everyone goes into fake mode, pretending to be happy for them. Well, everyone except Bianca who decides to tell Lisa that it looks like her makeup is making her break out. Oh, Bianca. You are just the zit on the face of this season.

Next up is the photo shoot, which is at the top of a giant hotel. Cue "afraid of heights" freak-out from one of the girls. Who will it be this year? Ambreal! Actually, she powers through her fear much better than any of the girls in previous years, so it ends up being not that much of an issue. The theme of the shoot is "High-Fashion Gargoyles," which was also a B-movie from 1967. I think.

While Ambreal's acrophobia doesn't completely derail her shoot, she still looks uncomfortable. Sarah, who is one of my favorites, performs the worst. Every time Jay says something like "Give me more edge" or "Show more emotion," she just sort of moves her hand about 1/2 inch. Heather makes up for her earlier klutzoid behavior by rocking her photo shoot, as she always does.

Time for judging! Nigel looks as luscious as ever.


Time for the real judging! Everyone's darling, Jenah, once again gets high marks for her photos but boos for her appearance in person. She does kind of look like a blonde Shelly Duvall who fell asleep on the floor of a Greyhound station after a week-long coke binge. But, I'll be damned if that girl doesn't take amazing pictures!

Chantal, Bianca and Ebony all get rave reviews, although everyone is a bit tired of Ebony's bland personality off-camera. Heather gets a thumbs-up, but is told that she's only done profile shots so far and the judges need to see if she can rock a picture with her whole face. Lisa gets two snaps up in a circle, and then Tyra baits her hook with that famous question..."Why are you looking so sad?" Lisa tries to resist, but can't fight weepily verbalizing what Tyra already knows - it seems like none of the girls in the house like her. All of the girls roll their eyes in unison. If it wasn't true before, it certainly is now! Lisa! Never answer Tyra's questions! They're traps!

Even though Sarah was so blah on the shoot, she narrowly escapes Bottom Two-dom. In the end it comes down to Ambreal and Janet. If you didn't already know this, you either didn't read the beginning of this post or you can't quite grasp the complexities of this show.

Personally, I thought Janet's picture was rather nice. It was certainly better than Ambreal's. But, the producers aren't happy unless they're breaking someone's heart, so Janet gets the boot. Bye-bye, Janet. I warned you about what happens to girls with pixie-cuts on this show. You never stood a chance.

Something is happening next week, but I've forgotten the previews already. I'll just guess that two girls will argue, someone will cry and Miss Jay's afro will finally touch the ceiling of the judging room.