I'm pretty late with this week's video and really didn't have anything planned, so I decided to use the celebrity birthday list for inspiration.
In honor of Ronnie James Dio, who turns 67 (Holy shiii...diver!) today, I'm pulling out that oft-forgotten hair metal contribution to the mid-'80s "feed the world (or at least Africa)" movement, "Stars." Dio was to Hear 'N Aid what Bob Geldof was to Band Aid: organizing and leading 40 headbangers to an L.A. studio to record a charity single that he wrote (with the help of band mates Vivian Campbell and Jimmy Bain). Unlike Geldof, he didn't develop a God complex. He already had some sort of magical wizard complex.
While this may not be as good as "Do They Know It's Christmas," it's miles better than "We Are the World." Sure, it might be a little cheesy and dated, but these dudes ROCK.
But where the hell was Nigel Tufnel?? He really could've taken that to 11.
So, I meant to post this a while back when it first appeared on SNL, but forgot about it. At least I tried to forget about it. But then I recently mentioned this Weekend Update skit in a comment I left for Soda and Candy, who said she had never seen it. I figured that there might be more of you out there who were missing out, so I'm finally getting around to sharing it with y'all.
This is a celebrity blogger character created by new cast member, Michaela Watkins. I still don't know whether to be embarrassed by how right on this is, or flattered that much funnier people find idiots like myself parody-worthy.
(Canadians: Don't even try it. Hulu hates you. I'm sorry.)
I would like to clear up a few things, though. There are a few differences between me and "Angie Tempura."
1. I do not have a perpetually stuffy nose. (She's like the Lisa Loopner of the new millennium.) 2. I do not drink iced coffee. I would move to Iceland if it meant I never had to see or smell coffee ever again. Bitch, please!! 3. I do not write stupid captions on my photos like Perez "Violence is never the answer" Hilton. I AM A PHOTOSHOP GENIUS, DAMMIT!! 4. I have slightly nicer hair. And that is the first time I've ever said that. 5. I totally would not have reacted that way to Zac Efron. I mean, she didn't even try to dry hump him. What the eff is wrong with her?
This month's winning caption belongs to Splotchy, who was the only one to make me heartily laugh out loud. I always knew those splotches were a symptom of a more serious condition, and now my suspicions are confirmed. It is now my expert opinion that Splotchy's crotch is, in fact, on fi-yah.
And since Adam Lambert proved that runners-up are not losers, these folks have nothing to be ashamed of:
Because I'm a sucker for bad puns (you should all know this by now): "...So I told the hairdresser I wanted a style that would make me look like a fun guy..." - The Imaginary Reviewer
Because I'm a sucker for lyrical puns: Lady Gaga is forced to wear a shield on her head after too many people take her lyrics literally and repeatedly poke her face. - The Imaginary Reviewer, again!
Because it paints a beautiful and hilarious image: Taken moments before the Border Collie who won the Frisbee championship took her head clean off her shoulders. - June's Firecrotch, Skyler's Dad
Hey, lovahs. If you can tear yourself away from the endless coverage of Michael Jackson's memorial service, stop over at Starpulse today for my latest post. I'm playing the role of pop cultural cartographer, charting a course for a summer road trip based on locations immortalized in TV and film. I know it's a pain in the ass (not really) to create a new user name, but please do, so you can comment all over me. I don't have any comments yet, and it's quite a blast of cold water on my ego, considering my last post about Adam Lambert caused the heavens to part and the angels to sing. (Of course, that may have had more to do with the glorious subject matter than my writing ability, but I will continue to lie to myself that it was the latter.)
Look, I even made an awesomely cheesy map! See that?? You have to comment now!
Oh snap! So, the long weekend is OVER? Shoot. And here I am with absolutely nothing to offer you people. I could say I'm just being nice and giving you all extra time to come up with some funnies for the caption contest, but we all know that I'm just lazy and uninspired right now. I'm sorry. I'll try to make up for my suckage soon.
In the meantime, I'm reposting this cool-ass video that I recently put up on Fire That Agency, featuring my unborn babies. Their awesomeness will help ease the pain of having no new eye boogers or more pointless gushing over Adam Lambert.
You may think that I'm posting a Michael Jackson vid this week in honor of our dearly departed King of Pop, but that's not the case. I posted several of his videos last week and hadn't planned on sharing any more, until I saw the one for "Liberian Girl" on a VH-1 Classic MJ marathon.
I'd never even heard this song (a track from Bad, which I didn't own), so I certainly had no idea there was a video for it. Evidently, the video was just an excuse for Michael to show everyone how many famous friends he had, because nothing really happens and the song essentially becomes background noise while all of the assembled celebs chit chat.
My roommates and I were rather amused by the vid, and had fun naming all of the stars. But then (around the 1:25 mark) I asked, "Hey, is that Olivia Newton Joooo.....JOHN! IT'S JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!" (Insert mad 13-year-old style squealing.) I was right on both counts. ONJ and JT are together in this vid, and John looks GLORIOUS. Ah, those were the hair days of his life. And this was in 1987, when he really wasn't doing anything. Right in between the shame of Perfect and the ridunkulousness of The Experts. It was a time in which everyone had forgotten that he existed. Everyone except ME, of course. Oh, and I guess Michael Jackson. Which makes Jacko even cooler in my book now.
By the way, John also shows up at 2:31, and again, briefly, right around the 3:15 mark. Right before Dan Aykroyd rolls in with Steve Guttenberg. GUTTENBERG. And here's where I get angry at the injustice of Hollywood. John Travolta's career died (for the first time) after he did the stupid '80s gym movie (in which he looked incredibly hot, by the way), yet Guttenberg was a huge star in '87, thrilling audiences in the 4th Police Academy installment. And let's not forget that other movie, you know the one. How did Chili Palmer describe it? The one where three grown-up guys get left with a baby, and so they act like three grown-up assholes, acting all cute. Sure, 3 Men and a Baby might have been marginally better plot-wise than Perfect, but I still can't believe that the majority of the public would rather watch Steve Guttenberg change a diaper than John Travolta do some squat thrusts. I just don't understand people, I guess.
I swear, I might as well just make a sticky celebrity death template and fill in the blanks every day. This is getting ridiculous.
Oscar-winner Karl Malden is the latest to leave us. I loved him in A Streetcar Named Desire, and he seemed like an all-around cool guy. But we can't be too sad. Dying peacefully at 97 is about the closest you can get to winning this game we call Life.
And I wasn't sad...until I saw this recent picture (on the left). Doesn't Karl with a K look just like Carl with a C from Up? If I think about that movie for more than 2 minutes, tears just automatically start streaming down my face.
You know, for years, people talked about how nutty Michael Jackson was. But now that he's dead, it's the so-called "normals" who are going off the deep end.
Exhibit A: Distraught fans are killing themselves. Too bad they didn't stick around long enough to receive a sign that it's all going to be okay. Something like...
Exhibit B: (High?) fans are seeing Michael's face in the clouds*. (I guess that makes them Ma ma say, ma ma sa, Mammatus clouds! Heyyy-o!) Apparently, he was hovering over NYC on Friday night and I didn't even notice.
Exhibit C: The reporters have GONE WILD!**
Wow, you'd think a talking head in Vegas would've dealt with his fair share of drunken idiots by now. He's gonna get sued for more beer money now.
*Best part = The reporter, appropriately named Jeanne Moos, saying she wanted to milk the clouds.
** Best part = The look of horror on the female anchors' faces. I don't think this was the first time they've seen Steve's temper in action.
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.
