Since an elderly Bryan Adams appeared on Wednesday's American Idol finale, I thought I would give his youthful self classic video honors this week.
Hey, turn off your radio before I kick it and smash it! Now, turn up your computer speakers and sing along to the 1983 hit from Cuts Like a Knife, "This Time." The video chronicles a wild road trip, on which Bryan camps out at Motel Hell and briefly joins Tom Sawyer's Huckleberry gang, all while stalking a pair of disembodied legs.
Now, all the Aerosmith guys famously sobered up some time in the '80s and supposedly have been clean ever since. Maybe Tyler only thought "sober" meant that he couldn't drink, but he could still snort and shoot? I don't know.
Anyway, the real issue here is that Aerosmith were awesome back in the '70s when they were dreamin' on, playing with their toys in the attic, and blasted out of their minds. After they embraced clean living, their music got progressively suckier. Around the time they were proclaiming that falling in love was hard on the knees, I was wishing that they would all start doing drugs again. Now it turns out they were - or at least Steven was - all along? I knew no sober person could've agreed to record "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing!"
But now I'm confused. What's changed? Are the drugs of today really that much different than the drugs of the '70s? How can one make you sing for the laughter and sing for the tears while the other makes you sing love songs to an asteroid??
American Idol 7 Finale: That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles, Archie
Time once again for FOX's Annual Ad Salesman's Wet Dream!
Ryan Seacrest kicks off the AI Finale by loudly announcing that a record 97.5 million votes were cast last night, way more than in any presidential election.
This just in: On June 2, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are having a karaoke showdown at Bob's Lounge in Pierre, SD. Get your tickets now!
The judges are decked out, as usual, in their best Finale threads. Simon sticks with the black jacket/unbuttoned white shirt combo, Paula squeezes herself into a red dress with a built-in boob ejector seat, and Randy just throws on a bellhop's jacket from the Four Seasons and one of Michael Johns' old ascots and hopes for the best. Sadly, not even Tim Gunn could make it work.
Even though some of the Top 24 from this season weren't invited to the show (Danny Noriega, Kady Malloy, and Colton Berry to name a few), some forgotten Idol wannabes from seasons past are given roving reporter duties in the two Davids' hometowns. Matt Rogers, who has most recently popped up on an infomercial for some kind of Rogaine knock-off, works the Archuleta crowd in Salt Lake City, UT, while Mikalah Gordon, most annoying contestant ever and Fran Drescher knock-off, tries to talk louder than all the Cook fans in Kansas City, MO. She succeeds.
The Top 12 contestants reunite for a cheesy group sing of "Get Ready," accompanied by the So You Think You Can Dance kids. This isn't even halfway enjoyable like their Idol Gives Back performance of "Don't Stop The Music," partially because there aren't nearly enough shots of Michael, but mostly because it just sucks.
Next up is a Dueling Davids duet of "Hero," that Spider-Man song by the Nickelback dude and the Saliva guy. It's not horrible, but I don't think Little Lord Archuleroy has a very good sense of harmony. Daddy has programmed him to be a solo artist, for sure.
The next interminable length of time is spent shamelessly plugging the new Mike Meyers movie, The Love Guru. He spiritually advises the Davids, makes lame jokes to "Ryan Seafoam" and then beats us all over the head with his "Mariska Hargitay" catch-phrase. Yes, we all get it. Ha ha. It was funny the first time, but seriously, enough. Don't make me go all Ice-T on your ass, Meyers.
When that torture finally ends, Syesha takes the stage to sing "Waiting for You" with Seal. It's not a molten hot lava bomb or anything, but it's aight.
Jason Castro returns! Part of me hopes that he sings "I Shot the Sheriff" again just to mess with the producers, but they probably have him hooked up to electrodes to prevent that from happening. He sings "Hallelujah" instead, and I think it sounds better than the first time he sang it. And, did he get cuter over the last couple of weeks? I think he did.
Now it's time for an homage to the best part of every results show - the crappy Ford commercial! There is a quick compilation of all of the past videos, and then Seacrest presents Cookie and Archie with keys to their brand new Ford Escape hybrids. No one looks happier than Archuleta's Dad, who's obviously already planning on taking the new car and sticking little Davey with the rusty old Dodge Aries.
The Top 6 girls don red dresses and take the stage for a medley of Donna Summer tunes. Brooke proves that she is the Whitest girl in America with her misguided attempts to find the beat. Jamless Joplin returns, sounding worse than ever and looking like she wants to O.D. just like her idol. Donna Summer joins the ladies and, even though she's getting old, she still has some hot stuff up her sleeve. Finally I'm treated to a healthy dose of Michael. He and Carly team up to sing "The Letter." It's definitely not one of my favorite songs, and Carly is doing an awful lot of screaming. Luckily, Michael sounds great and looks as luscious as ever. Oh, to be his duet partner. (Singing? Who said anything about singing?)
Jimmy Kimmel disrupts my daydreaming with a few mildly funny jokes, but I really don't know why he's there. My mind is somewhere else right now.
The show catches up with my mind when the Top 6 boys arrive to sing a Bryan Adams medley, started off beautifully by Michael with "Summer of '69." Michael. 69. Heh heh. Mmeh heh heh. Huh huhuhuh. He said... Oh, buzz kill, buzz kill! Bryan Adams suddenly appears with a face that looks like sandpaper! He was never exactly a stud, but I'm still a bit shocked by how old and haggard he looks. The girls in the idiot pit aren't shocked, because they have no idea who Bryan is. But does that keep them from mindlessly waving their arms? Of course not!
Jordin Sparks lets us know that the "American Idol Experience" attraction opens this year at Disney World. This sounds promising. I will be first in line for Mr. Johns' Wild Ride.
David Cook takes the stage again, this time with a band I never thought I would see on this show - ZZ Top. They perform "Sharp Dressed Man," and it sounds pretty good. Once again, the idiot pit is clueless as to who these crazy, bearded dudes are.
Brooke is joined by Graham Nash for a duet of "Teach Your Children." I'm sure it goes without saying that the idiot pit is really confused now. (Like, is that Brooke's Grandpa?) This performance isn't bad, but as with the David duet, the harmonies just aren't there. And whose fault is that? The one who hasn't spent a lifetime making great harmonies with Crosby and Stills (and sometimes Young), that's who.
Hey, David Cook is in the new Guitar Hero III commercial, doing the "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" scene from Risky Business! My roommate totally pitches a tent, but my enjoyment of this is somewhat dampened by a big old "if only." As in "if only Michael Johns were in this commercial."
Now the Jonas Brothers are performing and, for once, the idiot pit girls are the only ones who know or care who the heck these guys are.
Seacrest shows a short compilation of some of the "best of the worst" from the auditions and then brings out Renaldo Lapuz to sing his infamous original song, "I Am Your Brother," with the help of a marching band and cheerleaders. This guy is the next William Hung I guess, but I like him. He seems like a cool dude.
Hey, it's another performance that the idiot pit can get behind - One Republic doing "Apologize." Well, for once, the tweens and I are 'n sync. I love this song. I'm completely floored though that One Republic is actually One or More White Guys. I did not see that coming. David Archuleta joins them on the song and he does a pretty good job, but he obviously doesn't have the range needed for the high notes, so he wisely doesn't even try.
Jordin Sparks performs "One Step At a Time," which sounds like it could be the next Idol single. Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here? I thought she lost her voice and wouldn't be able to sing for a while. Did Clive hook her up to the electrodes too?
The biggest waste of time of the night comes in the form of a lame skit about Gladys Knight's original Pips, who are Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. Oh, what a coincidence...those three have a movie coming out soon! I can't believe that they keep this schtick up for the entire song, "Midnight Train to Georgia." They're giving this more time than they allow the contestants to sing! Oh, it makes me so mad I could just swear! GOSH!!!
Carrie Underwood shows up in an outfit that can only be described as Crystal Carrington-meets-Amanda Woodward. Well, if either of those ladies forgot to put some sort of bottoms on. Then she loudly sings about having drunken, anonymous sex while the camera man tries to give her a full cavity search. Backstage, sweet, innocent Mormon Archie wonders what happened to sweet, innocent Christian Carrie. Is this what happens to the winners? Would Clive Davis force him to use his body to sell records? Quivering in fear, he prays to one of the Latter-Day Saints to let Cook prevail.
Obviously, Little Archie already refused to use sex to sell at least one thing. In his version of the Guitar Hero III commercial, his shirt is much longer and he's wearing baggy boxers. When he falls back onto the couch, he looks more like he's playing with a puppy than jamming out on the gee-tar.
The Top 12 return to the stage, this time with a medley of F'ing George Michael hits - "Faith," "Father Figure," and "Freedom." Clearly, Michael Johns should be allowed to sing "Father Figure" in its entirety. Crikey. He totally gets me feeling frisky with the first line, but then Hernandez the Stripper spoils it by breathily accenting the word "naked" during his line. It's ridiculously funny. It's as if he's saying, "Yeah, NAKED. That's me. I get naked for a living. And, depending on how much money you have, I do other stuff too. Want me to be your Father figure? That'll be $200." Way to cash in on that bad reputation, Forgotten David!
Now, THE actual George Michael comes out. (Har har. Comes out onto the stage, smart-alecs.) That is George Michael, right? It doesn't really look like him. He sounds different too. (Supposedly he has a cold.) Well, he still sounds fantastic. He sings "Praying For Time," which he should've done on Idol Gives Back instead of Carrie Underwear. Say what you will about George, but the boy can sang. He can sing his face off. He could sing the phone book. I wonder if Paula would cry while he sang the phone book? She weeps openly during this performance.
For my BFF, I will now deliver this message to Ms. Abdul - Honey, you need to sit your ass down!
I guess it was pointless to deliver that message so late in the show. The results are about to be announced! The judges all say nice things to The Davids, and suddenly Simon starts to backpedal away from last night's comments about Cookie. Seems that after playing it back, Archuleta didn't win by knock-out! Hmm, something's fishy here. Do the judges already know the outcome? Has Cook won this and they're trying to make themselves look better? No, they couldn't know, because here comes a guy in a suit with a hermetically sealed package. The results are in there! This is all legit! That guy totally isn't just an out of work actor posing as prim and proper Mr. Certified Vote Keeper, Edward Boddington.
The results are revealed and...so much for that knock-out! David Cook wins by unanimous decision. Damn this show to hell for screwing with my predictions! My record this year sucks! GOSH!!
Anyway, I guess I'm happy for Cookie. I thought maybe winning, for him, would be a curse but why should it be? The guy has real talent. I think he will be able to overcome any stigma that might come from being the American Idol.
Unfortunately, his first single will be the winning entry from the songwriting competition. Not the marginally entertaining "Dream Big" that he sang last night, but the awfully familiar "Time of My Life." Of course, I see why this is the winning song. It's a mid-tempo number with an uplifting message, covering all the required elements (dreams, love, magic, wings, "tasting the moment") and throwing in a couple of items for extra credit (rainbows, "rising from the ashes").
Still, I have to hand it to Cookie, again. Somehow, even this piece of dreck becomes listenable when put in his hands. And he who can turn loser lyrics into a winning song deserves to win. Well-earned, sir.
Also big winners this year: the AI wardrobe and hair stylists. Nice work!
Jason Yeager gets us ready to rumble by announcing that tonight is the "fight of the century." Wow, he got old since getting voted off the show! Oh, hold up, that's Michael Buffer. Sorry, I always get them confused. Can you blame me? Come on, they have to be at least third cousins or something.
The Debasement of the Davids begins when they're spotlighted in separate "corners" of the stage, wearing different colored boxing robes. Do not adjust your TV sets. You are not watching ESPN. This is, in fact, American Idol on FOX. But, wow, this is corny.
You know how you see those special programs on ESPN that try to paint various sports as more important than the air that we breathe? And how they always make you a little squirmy because, I mean, they're just talking about games? Well, it's even more uncomfortable to watch when the same approach is taken with a singing contest. Lots of quick, hip edits and graphics are used for the "backstage" portions of the show and Jim Lampley periodically shows up to disperse little nuggets of athletic wisdom.
Lampley's manly metaphors are often offset with quick cuts to Andrew Lloyd Webber standing backstage acting like Rip Taylor without the confetti basket. Then Andrew props up Clive Davis so he can croak, "You've really got talent, kid," to either of the Davids. He doesn't care which one. He thinks he's talking to Simon and Garfunkel, anyway.
Oh, snap! With all this nonsense, I almost forgot there was a singing contest going on. Let's see if the Davids can somehow make this night worth watching.
Round 1 - Clive Davis' pick
Cookie kicks things off with U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." I hate this song because the title ends with a preposition. I guess "I Still Haven't Found That For Which I've Been Looking" just didn't roll off the tongue quite as well. Actually, I really don't care about word placement here, but it really is one of the few (pre-Pop) U2 songs that I truly dislike. I don't know if it's just because it was so overplayed or if it's because it's dull and plodding. Maybe both. At any rate, I'm surprised to find myself really digging Cook's version. I might be so bold as to say that it's even better than the real thing. He is really proving his genuineness right now, because most performers would have a hard time avoiding the urge to do a Bono impression. Although Randy says that David didn't do "everything he could have done" (I guess he would've preferred a Bono impression), he still thinks the performance is hot. Paula gushes about Cookie's voice, and Simon reaches into his old bag of 50-cent words and pulls out "phenomenal."
Little Lord Archuleroy tries his best to fill the shoes of Sir Elton John...and Dame George Michael...and Unspecified Clay Aiken by singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me." He sort of just walks around in their shoes like a little kid trying on his Daddy's hunting boots, but it's a valiant effort. He sounds fine, but I'm not loving all the syllables he's shoving into every verse and I really hate the vocal histrionics at the end. However, the judges act like Archie controls the sun by slobbering over him accordingly. Randy breaks out his favorite phrase from this season by calling the number "molten hot." Paula has chills. (Maybe because she's wearing nothing?) Simon says that this performance is David's best so far and awards him Round 1. David wheezes and blushes and goshes and nearly passes out.
Round 2 - Original Songs
Not The Davids' original songs, silly! Although I'm sure the Little Lord probably has a bunch of potential hits scribbled in his Care Bears notebook ("Oh Gosh," "Kittens Are Swell," "Daddy Dearest"), each contestant gets to choose a song from the Top 10 entries in the songwriting competition. This is a welcome tweak to this year's Finale, saving us all from sitting through two different spins on the same sappy mid-tempo ballad.
Cookie's choice is called "Dream Big," which sounds just about right. A song about dreaming? On Idol?? Who'da thunk it? But wait. This actually...isn't...bad. I can't believe I'm saying this. Okay, so the lyrics about dreams and faith and reaching for the stars are typical AI cheese, but David Cook is actually rising above them and turning in a very good performance. The way he's doing it makes it almost sound like a lost Bon Jovi song or something. Randy doesn't like the song but thinks Cook "sang his face off." Paula actually says something sensible and nearly poetic, and I really should've written it down, but the hell with it. I could rewind to catch it again, but I've already moved on to Simon. He goes back to the boxing metaphors by calling the performance "a lightweight" and complaining that it didn't feel like "a winning moment." Like this. Inside his heaven. Well, whatever. Cookie makes me proud and that's all that matters.
Speaking of "moments," Little Lord Archuleroy's next song is called "In This Moment." Good Lord. I feel like every one of these songwriters picks their song title by using the official American Idol magnetic poetry kit. They might even write the whole damn gosh-darn song that way. Even though these lyrics are pure crap that make Archie just sound like he's patting himself on the back for being so golly-gee-whiz wonderful, he's singing it really well. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoy his performance. If this was the first time I'd ever heard him sing, I would think he was terrific. But that's the problem, isn't it? This isn't the first time I've heard him sing, and this certainly isn't the first time I've heard him sing a song just like this. He's just a broken record to me. But the judges are having a moment, and they're drooling all over Davey again. Randy is not crazy about this song either, but lets fly the "you could sing the phone book" analogy. (Talk about a broken record.) Paula says David is "pure magic." Simon loves the "fantastically self-centered song" and awards Round 2 to Archie also. David clutches at his chest, cries invisible tears and shakes uncontrollably.
Round 3 - Contestants' pick
For his final performance, David Cook chooses to sing Collective Soul's "The World I Know." I really like Collective Soul and think that they've always been highly underrated, but this is kind of a dull song. It's pretty, but still dull. I'm not sure why Cookie would want to go out on such a mellow note. Even though it's my least favorite of his three numbers, I'm still enjoying it and think that David's voice has been in great shape all night. Cookie begins to openly weep when the song is through, but manages to reign it in before it gets out of control. Normally, I don't like when the contestants cry because it usually comes off as fake (hi, Syesha) but I believe that Cookie is showing honest emotions here. He's had a lot to deal with during the course of this show. Randy thinks it's cool that Cook has shown "all of his sides" tonight and Paula agrees, adding that he always brings originality and integrity to his performances. Simon tells David that he's one of the nicest, most sincere contestants he's ever known, but that he picked the wrong song to go out on. Then he actually suggests that he should have done a retread of "Billie Jean" or "Hello." Oh, give me a break. Cookie was wise to pick something new. I hate when contestants cop out at the Finale by singing something they've already done.
So...can you imagine what Archie is singing? That's right! "Imagine!" Something that he's already done!!! I didn't like his version of this song the first time around and I still don't like it. Here's my four-word critique: squinty, licky, boring, predictable. The judges can't hold themselves to four words. They can barely contain their critiques to forty. Randy exclaims that the Little Lord is the best singer and "exactly what this show is about." (AI = squinty, licky, boring, predictable. Good to know.) Paula is stunned speechless. Good. Thank Gosh for small favors. Simon goes back to the boxing jargon again and declares that this match just ended in a knock-out. Archie blinks furiously and sways dizzily while desperately trying to nail a "humble" expression which morphs into something more like "constipated." A little puddle of urine suddenly appears near his right foot as he repeatedly mouths something that looks like, "Please...you must vote for me...my Dad will blow up the building if I don't win."
To close out the show, Ruben Studdard is trotted out to sing this year's Idol kiss of death song, "Celebrate Me Home." Look, Davids! If you win, one day, you could be just like Ruben Studdard! Run!!
So, who is the next American Idol?? Well, I thought I had this all figured out, but tonight threw me off. I originally thought that Archuleta was the chosen one. Then, over the last few weeks I started to think that the show really wanted Cook to win because they think it will give them more credibility to have a "rocker" win. But now, with the excessive pimping of Archie...I just don't know. I'm so confused! Was Simon trying using reverse psychology by being harder on Cookie so that more people would worry about him and vote? Or does he honestly think Archie deserves to win and tried to be as obvious as possible to guide the sheep who always vote his way? What is going on??
Archuleta is more malleable and in need of guidance. He's a one-trick pony. He needs to win the show much more than Cook. Cookie doesn't need Simon or Nigel or Clive's advice. He knows what he's doing. If anything, the Idol crown might actually work against him.
So, who should win? David Cook. Who needs to win? David Archuleta. Who will win? Uhhh...GOSH! This is hard! Based on the judges' comments tonight, I think I have to revert back to my original prediction that Little Lord Archuleroy takes it all. But the real winner will be Michael Johns, who will go on to sell more records (and fuel more fevered dreams) than either of these guys!
Ok, kids. I know that I'm sort of your American American Idol recap idol (whew), but my recap will be a bit delayed this evening. I will get to it, it just may be a little later or maybe even not until...tomorrow. My brother, J-Fred, is in town again so I'm going out to dinner with him tonight while I tape the Duel of the Davids. Can you believe how out of whack my priorities have become? Family before TV*?? I know. I just looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.
I know that some of you immediately come to my blog after the show every Tuesday night to read my brilliant recap, and you sit there hunched over, staring blankly at my old post, repeatedly hitting the refresh button, nearly soiling yourself with excitement over what is to come, and then really soiling yourself when it finally does. All I can say is, I'm sorry. But don't be angry with me. And don't be sad. Just imagine how good it will feel when I eventually end your quivering anticipation by finally posting another masterfully crafted recap! I just hope your Depends are dependable enough to handle such a joyful explosion.
*Of course, you know that if Michael Johns was in the Final Two, J-Fred's ass would be alone in his hotel bar.
Their Future Spawn May Destroy Music Once and For All
Ashlee Simpson married Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz over the weekend.
I'll wait for someone to care.
Anyone?
They had a theme wedding. An Alice in Wonderland-themed wedding.
Still don't care?
Yeah, me neither.
And yet I continue.
Supposedly, "a source" has confirmed that the rumors that Ashlee is knocked up are true. No word on who the source is. I can only imagine that at some point during the reception, one of the other Fall Out boys ran through the room in a white rabbit suit yelling, "She's late, she's late!"
On Saturday, I ventured out to the Helen Hayes Theater to catch a matinee of the Broadway production of Xanadu, the musical based on the classic, craptastic '80s movie of the same name. Although the MTA Gods tried to prevent me from witnessing this show, I'm happy to report that they did not succeed. (Due to never-ending track work on the N line, I did miss the first 3 minutes or so, but luckily I know how the movie starts, so I didn't miss much. Besides, I heard the whole opening from the lobby.)
I met up with fellow bloggers, Dale and Chelene and a non-blogger whom I'll call "John," because that's his name. Apparently, Chelene and John did not love the play, but Dale thought it was pretty fun. As for me, I loved it because it took me back to a time in my life when there just weren't enough hours in the day for roller skating.
What I enjoyed most about the stage version of Xanadu is that everyone involved is fully aware that it's not to be taken seriously. Any play based on a cheesy, critically bashed '80s flick has to be done with a wink and a giant smirk. And as if Xanadu wasn't enough campy inspiration, writer Douglas Carter Beane also incorporated elements from another ridiculous mythological movie of the era - Clash of the Titans.
Even though the play is supposed to be goofy, all of the acting throughout is really quite good. Kerry Butler is terrific as the muse Clio, who pretends to be a woman named Kira in order to inspire the human, Sonny, to build a roller disco. As a nod to Olivia Newton-John's performance in the movie, "Kira" is an Aussie. One of the running gags throughout the show is that Clio can never quite get a handle on the accent.(Oh, and her leg warmers are to die for.) Mary Testa and Jackie Hoffman are also great as Clio's jealous sisters, Melpomene and Calliope, and they get most of the big belly laughs from the audience. Taking over the Gene Kelly role of Danny Maguire is film and stage vet, Tony Roberts, whom I recognized but couldn't quite place.
The biggest improvement from the movie version (well, virtually everything was an improvement on the movie) was in casting a bona fide hunk in the role of Sonny. I don't know about any of you ladies, but I never found Michael Beck anything to write home about. (I know dudes seem to like him because he was in that dumb street-gang movie, Warriors. But really...ugh.) Superficial stuff aside, Beck was never a very good actor either. However, the play's Cheyenne Jackson boasts a great voice, good comic timing and the most unbelievable sets of arms and legs I've ever seen on a man.
I also have to give a big shout-out to André Ward, who plays one of Clio's sisters, a centaur, and Hermes. His brief, fierce appearance as Hermes provided the biggest laugh of the show.
If you're like me and love campy fun, '80s nostalgia, roller skating and big, hunky men, do yourself a favor and go see this play. If you're a Xanadont like Chelene or John, then steer clear. Just don't go and diss it, unless you want to anger the Noriega God.
One positive thing that can be said of both the movie and the play is that the music is pretty darn catchy. Half of the movie soundtrack was comprised of ELO songs written by Jeff Lynne, and the other half were songs written by John Farrar and performed by Olivia Newton-John. I believe that all of the songs from the movie made it to the stage production, and they also added in a few other ELO tunes like "Evil Woman" and "Strange Magic," as well as the old ONJ song, "Have You Never Been Mellow."
Below are a few songs to help get you in the Xana-mood... (Click link to download.)
My twisted sister had requested this Twisted Sister cover of "Leader of the Pack" a while back. I'd been putting it off but I can't think of anything better to play today, so Tootsie gets her wish - a bunch of hot tranny messes on motorcycles.
Although this video warns that it's rated "H for Humor," it's not really that funny. Curses. The rating system fails again.
It also has the "pointless cameo by an up-and-coming and/or overexposed celebrity" that so many '80s video directors used to raise their clip's coolness factor.
