Idol Gives Back 2008

As with last year, American Idol's charity show was a bit all over the place, with a whole lot of sad stories, even more bum jokes, a few musical performances and a bunch of filler. To help make some sense of it all, I will do what I did last year and split the show up into my own segments, rather than try to follow the mess chronologically.

The Host/Judges
Ryan Seacrest was his usual capable self, even though his attempts at dancing early on were pretty laughable. I actually laughed with him though, and not at him.

The judges brought their Sunday best out four nights early. Randy Jackson bought something from the Deion Sanders collection especially for the occasion, Paula Abdul actually looked lovely in a red dress that didn't push her boobs up to her chin, and Simon Cowell wore the same thing he did last year. But aside from his weird gym teacher hair, he looked rather dapper.

The Causes
Maria Shriver brought several community volunteers onstage to thank them for all their hard work.

Many videos were shown throughout the evening of impoverished communities and villages in both Africa and the United States.

Randy and Paula visited an inner-city neighborhood in California, while Simon went to New York to speak with families living without health insurance. Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus headed to a poor Kentucky town, and New Orleans was visited by the doofy Manning brothers, Reese Witherspoon and Brad Pitt. Pitt's organization, Make It Right, is building affordable homes for Hurricane Katrina victims that are certainly much nicer than my place.

Bono, Annie Lennox, Celine Dion, Forest Whitaker, Alicia Keys and Daughtry all made trips to different parts of Africa to talk to children and families who have been affected by HIV/AIDS, malaria, and other illnesses that can't be treated because they can't afford medical equipment and supplies.

The Celebrities
Adam Sandler, David & Victoria Beckham, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Tyra Banks, Sarah Silverman, Dane Cook and David Spade were just some of the stars who made cameos. Thank the sweet Lord, there was no ridiculous celeb-filled Ford commercial tonight. Remember this horror flick from last year??

Ben Stiller's brief appearance this year was funnier than his strained schtick from last time. I actually did enjoy his bit at the end, when he showed up to an empty theater and started tossing the F-bomb around (bleeped, of course).

Mary Murphy, if she can be considered a celebrity now, threatened to do her patented annoying shriek until enough money was raised. Oh, silly Mary. Haven't you ever heard of a mute button? You are the reason the remote control gods created it.

Billy Crystal and Miley Cyrus had a pointless conversation, which basically consisted of Miley patting herself on the back for being a tweentard sensation. I kept wishing that Jack Palance was still alive. He would've given Miley a good ol' roundhouse kick to her giant gob.

Jimmy Kimmel was funny for a change during his mini-roast of Simon. I loved that Jimmy payed homage to Si's gigantic nipples. I feel so much better now knowing that I'm not the only one who froze like a deer when faced with his headlights.

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, showed up in a taped segment. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more British. He was all like, "Well, hello there. Let's end malaria then, shall we? That would be jolly good!"

Robin Williams came up with some lame skit about being the Russian Idol, Ivan Yakinoff or Popinoff or, as I like to call him, "Someone Please Kick This Guy in the Nards." As usual, Robin's schtick lasted way too long and amused no one. I was a little jealous of him though, because he managed to cop a feel of Simon's behind. He's lucky that he didn't try that with Michael Johns.

Was that Simon's grandfather who came out to talk about Make It Right? Oh...no, that was just Brad Pitt. He still looks good but, where is he shopping now? Cabbies-R-Us?


The Performances
Snoop Dogg hit the stage with Charlie Wilson and a bunch of kids from his youth football league to do "Can't Say Goodbye." I was just tickled to see Snoop on the AI stage, wearing his Pittsburgh Pirates hat, no less.

I'm sure no one will ever know the reasons why Teri Hatcher sang tonight. Or why, when Carrie Underwood was right there, did she decide to sing "Before He Cheats." Or why she was joined onstage by the sexy plumber dude from Desperate Housewives and Bachelor Bob Guiney. Or how, against all odds, she actually sounded better than Kristy Lee Cook.

Oddly enough, the next performer, Miley Cyrus, was not better than KLC. And why should she be? She's only had two #1 albums and the #1 movie in the country. She doesn't have to even try anymore, right? Can someone please tell me why Miley got to perform twice? Wasn't anyone else disturbed by the sight of all the 8 year-olds in the audience screaming their approval during her 2nd performance and committing all of her slutty moves to memory? She's FIFTEEN! Where the hell is her hick father and why is he letting this go on? Sure, she's nowhere near the realm of Britney or Xtina, but give her time.

Someone invited Fergie again this year, much to my chagrin. Her first performance with John Legend wasn't too bad, even if she sounded like she was singing a song from Enchanted. But then...she screwed it all up by ruining a perfectly good Heart performance. As I was sitting there bitching to my roommate about the shoddy treatment that Ann Wilson has gotten ever since she gained weight in the '80s, the point that "fat girls don't put asses in the seats" was driven home by Fergie returning to the stage and dry humping it up and down while trying to keep up with Ann's vocals on "Barracuda." I will admit that she managed to sound better than I expected, but what in the name of all that is holy was this??? And why, oh why, did this have to happen after I already had my caption contest?


Annie Lennox was on hand to take that Fergilicious taste out of everyone's mouth. She performed "Many Rivers to Cross" with her usual brilliance.

Carrie Underwood covered George Michael's oft-forgotten "Praying For Time" well enough but I wondered why the Idol producers didn't call on old George himself? Isn't he in the midst of another comeback right now?

No, Gloria Estefan, I will not get on my feet. Let's just say I'm not a fan of all those cheesy cabana songs. It was good to see Sheila E on drums, though!

When I saw that it was just about 10:00, I figured that the Mariah Carey performance would be cut. No such luck. She performed "Fly Like a Bird" with her close personal friend Randy Jackson on bass. I didn't enjoy the song, nor did I enjoy her constant fluttering hand. My roommate's dog didn't enjoy those high notes at the end either, judging from the way he was writhing around in pain.

The Idols
The night kicked off with the Top 8 singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music." I was afraid for Michael at first but, thankfully, TPTB had the contestants from So You Think You Can Dance do all the fancy footwork. My sweet thing only had to stand there in his red leather jacket, shaking his behind back and forth hypnotically. Unfortunately, the camera work was sub-par. (Translation: Not enough butt shots.)

The Top 12 contestants were set up with desks onstage at the Idol studios, supposedly taking donation calls. I say supposedly because I don't fully believe that they were really talking to people. And I'm just trying to make myself feel better for not getting to talk to Michael. I did donate, but I did it online, so I didn't even try to call him. I most likely wouldn't have gotten him, but if I had, I'm sure I would've made a HUGE ass out of myself. But, who is this "Beth from Cleveland" he was supposedly talking to? Cleveland?? Doesn't Michael know that Pittsburgh and Cleveland are mortal enemies?? Doesn't he know that I hate the name Beth, because it's what people who forget my name always call me?? (Sorry, Beth. I still love you.) I can only hope that he took her credit card number and then hung up on her.

The Top 8 finally left phone duty to the underpaid operators and returned to the stage to perform "Seasons of Love" from Rent. It was pleasant enough, but didn't really seem to go anywhere. I did notice that for the first minute, it seemed like the only mic working was Kristy's. Then she got the first big solo part. And then the camera just kept kind of lingering on her. What the heck??

The Idols donned their white angel outfits to close things down with a plodding version of "Shout to the Lord," which probably didn't please all of the non Judeo-Christian donors out there. But I guess it was preferable to "Shout at the Devil." There was another nice, lingering shot of Kristy Lee in her flowing white dress. Why was she being pimped so hard? Is she related to the cameraman?

Best Moment
Other than any time that Michael was on-screen (especially when he was wearing those white pants), I don't know that there really was a "best moment." I did get a chuckle out of the sound woman, who came out to fix Brad Pitt's lapel mic when it fell off. She strutted out, smirked at the audience and said, "I just needed a reason to touch him." It's always a wonderful day in the neighborhood when a regular Jane upstages a big star.


Tomorrow night - no more being nice! Someone's heading home.