American Idol 8: What Just Happened?

I've been sitting here staring at my computer for a while, trying to figure out how to recap the pile of nothing that American Idol served up tonight. Perhaps with a bigger pile of nothing? We'll see how it goes.

It's Round 3 of Hollywood Week, where the field of 72 contestants is narrowed down to 50. Unfortunately, the show is being edited to look like a hyperactive kid is continuously flipping through the channels. A few (crazy) people get some QT with the camera but, for the most part, there is just a parade of changing faces whizzing by, each stopping to sing one or two lines of a song on the AI menu, followed by much mugging and nodding by the judges. It doesn't even follow a consistent time line, so I guess I'll just pull out some of the highlights and lowlights.

The Bold:

This is already shaping up to be the year of the fabulous gays. (Although, for some reason, Queen Bee Von Smith's audition isn't shown.) Adam Lambert's piano bar version of Cher's "Believe" is so atrocious that it's almost a work of art. On the flip side, Nathaniel Marshall and his 5,000 headbands perform an acoustic version of Rihanna's "Disturbia," which should be awful but is disturbingly enjoyable.

Then there is Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle. I can't figure out if he's a gay man or just plays one on TV. He toys with the idea of playing it "straight," but ultimately decides to audition again as Norman, with a ridiculous version of "Georgia." Look, I'm all for silliness, but I can't take this guy. He is NOT funny! Of course, I may still be bitter that he made it through to Hollywood and my beloved Joel Contreras did not.

The Beautiful:

As if. Nothing to see here, folks. Keep it moving.

Well, actually I take that back. Adam Lambert looks like he was created from the DNA of Ewan McGregor and David Cassidy, so he's quite lovely to look at.

Oh, and then there's my lesbian crush of the season, Casey Carlson. Her hair sure looks purty tonight.

The Bland:

Ugh. So many fit into this category.

Danny (The Widower) Gokey disappoints me tonight, rasping his way through "I Hope You Dance" fairly well, but ruining everything with a sudden, misplaced, loud growl and one last high note that he can't quite reach. However, Paula obviously thinks this is the best thing she's ever heard, as she switches between doing "the lasso" and rocking back and forth while grinning like a maniac. God, she looks like a Kristen Wiig character tonight.

Danny's buddy Jamar Rogers sounds like a croaking frog. But everyone loves him.

Matt Giraud breaks out the keyboards for a nice version of "Georgia," which I would probably like a lot more if he wasn't trying so hard to seem authentic. The judges all flip though, and give him a standing O. And, in Kara's case, that means something a little different.

Ryan reminds everyone that Scott McIntyre is blind, so I'm a little confused when he keeps looking down at the piano keys while he's playing. After a little Googling, I realize that Scott is actually "legally blind with two degrees of tunnel vision," so he's not like Ray Charles blind. He can see something. Still, seeing the world through a tiny, rolled-up newspaper doesn't sound like much fun either. Anyway, he sings Daughtry's "Home" (the first of many former Idols' songs pimped tonight) pleasantly enough, but it's all rather Boy Scout-ish for my taste.

Jorge Nunez, Stevie Wright, Lil Rounds, Alexis Grace, Ann Marie Boskovich, and Jasmine Murray all remember their words and sing in key, but none of them really have any wow factor. And I kind of liked Stevie from her first audition, but she pisses me off tonight by singing that stupid "Bubbly" song. Can we please ban that from the show? How about the world?

The Big Ol' Trainwrecks:

Maybe next time, Kendall Beard will think before she sings "Before He Cheats." She's really taking a Louisville Slugger to that song. Wow. Awful.

I forget all about Kendall when Kristen McNamara brutally attacks an innocent Kelly Clarkson song. Because of you, Kristen, I am afraid. Of you ever opening your mouth again. I think Kelly Clarkson just died, rolled over in her grave, and then came back to life to seek vengeance.

Stephen Fowler pulls a Brooke White when he freezes up during his cover of David Cook's "Time of My Life," and asks to start over. The judges give him another shot, but he can't get the lyrics or the melody right to save his life. I don't know about the 3 Stooges there, but I am giving Stephen a pass. So far, I think he has the best voice out of the whole bunch.

Also derailing is Joanna Pacitti, this year's Queen of Controversy. I really, really want this girl to fail. You may think that sounds mean, but with all of her connections, she has absolutely no business being on this show. So, imagine my delight when Joanna can't remember ANY of the words to "If I Ain't Got You" and drags it out into one long, flubbed disaster. I'm a little suspicious, though, that TPTB left this in the show to try to prove that Joanna isn't a pro getting a free ride.

Casey Carlson forgets her lyrics also, but her hair sure looks purty.

The Batshit Crazy:

Who else but Tatiana Del Toro? She is one of the few who gets extra attention tonight, complete with her own "Greatest Hits so far" montage. This girl is starting to win me over. I used to think that she was putting on an act, but now I believe that she's truly mentally unstable. I don't think the judges will cut her any time soon, because they're probably afraid that she'll burn down the studio if they do. The interesting thing is, although she tends to overdo it, she actually has a pretty good voice, unlike Nick/Norman whom the producers are clearly keeping around for entertainment purposes.

The Big Reveal:

In the end, the contestants are divided up into four groups and placed in different rooms. Simon wisely chooses to jet off to London, leaving Snap, Crackle, and Pop to deliver the results. Since three of the four groups make it through to the Top 50, the judges' job really isn't that hard. Of course, they have to play act like each group is being cut before they jump up and down and yell, "Psych!" Lame.

Tatiana and Nick/Norman both make it through, so, you know what? I hope that one of them wins the whole thing. We're constantly reminded that this is a singing competition, and yet the judges constantly keep crazy people who can't sing over sane people who can. Seeing Simon being forced to pony up the cash to make and promote a Norman Gentle record would be delightful.

Pretty much everyone who got a lot of face time during the auditions is included in the winning groups, except for Michael (Jason's brother) Castro, lady rapper India Morrison, and Leneshe (The Poor Girl) Young...none of whom I have strong feelings for one way or the other. Unfortunately, that's the case with most of these contestants so far.

Tomorrow night, the judges cut the group of 50 down to 36 and, for some reason, this will take two hours. *groan*

As ridiculous as this show gets sometimes, at least the judges don't live in a mansion or something stupid like...Wait. What did Ryan just say? The contestants are going where tomorrow? Oh. The Judges' Mansion. Of course. Can't wait.


Videos of all the auditions can be found on MJ's Big Blog.