American Idol 8: Welcome to the Jungle, Gokey. You're Gonna Die.

Tonight's episode begins with a dramatic reminder that we almost lost Adam Lambert last week - and Seacrest makes sure we know that it's n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no-body's fault but ours. It's so important to vote, now more than ever, because the judges haven't already decided the winner. Really. Honest.

Seacrest also informs us that no one had a proper rehearsal tonight because the set is falling down around them. Is it mean that I have my fingers crossed that something heavy falls on Kara's head? It would be great if that something heavy were the fists of Joan Jett and Lita Ford, because Kara really does need a beat-down for showing up in that "Biker Chick" outfit from Halloween Adventure.

Each contestant will perform twice tonight, but the new twist for this year is that one song will be solo and the other will be as part of a duet. This should be interesting.

I have high hopes that tonight might actually deliver on its promise of rock 'n' roll. Mainly because the kids are under the tutelage of one Professor Saul Hudson, Esq., also known as Slash of the real Guns N' Roses (not the band of bucketheads and botoxed freaks currently using that name). Slash tries to fill everyone with the rock spirit by having them rehearse with a live band at The Roxy, which they all seem pretty excited about. He has mostly positive things to say about his students, so let's see how it goes.

Madame Glambert is up first (is that a first?) and he chooses Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love," much to my delight. It's about time we have an Idol contestant who has the cajones and the chops to cover the greatest rock band EVAH. The Glam One is rockin' a new hairstyle that's somewhere between Kimberly Caldwell and Pink, and he is rockin' the studio as well. He is tearing this song up. He stays very true to the original, which is smart. This is the kind of song you just don't mess with. I'm a little disappointed that he doesn't do the patented Robert Plant mic-hold/shoulder-jerk (I do a really good Plant impression, people) but that's the only complaint I can come up with, and I'm just being facetious anyway. Randy labels Adam a rock star, while Kara one-ups The Dawg by dubbing him a "Rock GOD." (I wouldn't go quite that far.) She starts prattling on about how he should make this record, sing that song, do this, do that, make everyone from the show a lot of money, forget that he's not into chicks for just one night, etc. Paula's pun writers must have all left the building when it started falling apart, because all she can come up with is that Adam is "a whole lotta perfect." Lame. Simon tries to keep all of the feelings that the Madame is awakening in him under control while telling him that nobody will be able to top that performance tonight.

Allison Iraheta rocks out with her, uh ,extensions in for a cover of Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." I've noticed recently that, when Allison is singing, I stop taking notes. I can never think of anything to say other than, "Boy, she sounds really good." So, boy, she sounds really good. She's got the perfect voice for this kind of song. I'm starting to think the judges are either all on crack, or that they really want the first-ever all male Top 3. Those are the only explanations I can think of for why they've repeatedly given Allison lukewarm critiques over the past few weeks. Randy doesn't love it because he doesn't think it's the right song choice. Kara thinks Janis is the right choice, but that "Piece of My Heart" would have been a better song selection. Paula is the only one who appreciates how good Allison is, but, as usual, way overshoots the mark by predicting that Allison will one day play Janis in a biopic. (Won't Jenna Maroney be pissed!) Simon starts off nicey-nice by applauding Allison's "complete confidence" during her performance, but then goes on to say that she's not that original and starts trying to gently shove her under the bus. When she tries to defend her song choice, Cowell cops a major attitude with her for no reason and...Allison gets gives it right back! Yeah! ROCK 'N' ROLL!!! DON'T TAKE ANY SHIT FROM THAT OLD MAN!

What better way to follow those two rockin' performances than with a couple of wussy boys singing Styx's "Renegade?" Danny Gokey and Kris Allen perform the first duet of the evening and, although their harmonies are surprisingly good, their solo parts are dreadful. Watching these two dorks try to look hard is really painful. Mostly because my stomach hurts from laughing. The wusses even picked kind of a wussy band to cover and they still can't quite pull it off. Ah well. I guess it's not the worst thing I've ever heard. It's not bad. If this were a game of Rock Band, it would be just fine. Randy pretty much agrees with everything I just said, and Kara throws down the first pitchy card. Paula says that Danny and Kris were "powerful and compelling." What is she watching? Law & Order? You never know, she could have a little portable TV under the desk. If she critiques the next performance as being "ripped from the headlines," we'll know for sure. Simon plays mean Dad and just says that Danny was better than Kris. Danny boo-hoos that he can't hear himself on stage tonight, because of all of the noise pollution. Tool. Kris fumes over Daddy Simon's diss. He's totally going to steal money from Cowell's dresser and run away from home.

Before he does that though, Kris returns for his solo performance of The Beatles' "Come Together." As I said last year when Carly Smithson sang screamed it, this is one of my least favorite Beatles songs, so I'm already not happy. Kris does nothing to make me any happier during the song. He somehow still manages to Dave Matthews-ize it and, although it's not terrible, it's all just very meh. Randy isn't blown away by Kris's vocals, but loves his guitar. Ironically, Kara accuses Kris of "trying too hard." Paula says some things that make about as much sense as "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." Simon compares the performance to "eating ice for lunch" and plays mean Dad again, this time comparing Kris unfavorably to his favorite son, Adam.

Smuggy Smuggerson is going to sing Aerosmith's "Dream On." Okay. I already know this is going to be bad. I swear, if these judges - especially Randy - give Hokey another tongue bath after this one, I will lose my mind. Remember how much grief they gave Michael Johns last year for singing this? Remember how Randy said that this was a horrible song choice out of "all the songs out there?" Remember how he said that AI "wasn't about dreams?" Well, I do. Ooooh...but remember how Michael also got voted off the week that he sang this? Hmm. Maybe lightning will strike twice. I hope so. I really don't know how much more of this smug jerk's face I can take. I know that my pals over at VFTW are supporting him now because he sucks and they think it will be funny when he wins and makes an album that five people buy. And, yes that would be funny, but it's not enough incentive to support him. (Not that it really matters, since I haven't voted for anyone since Megan "Lady Caw-Caw" Joy.) I will say that VFTW made Danny their pick just in time because holy Lord this is excruciating. If this isn't "The Worst," I don't know what is. Hokey is just switching back and forth between mumbling and growling. Now he is attempting the Steven Tyler wail and............*thud*

Okay, so I just fell off my couch laughing. I have no idea how to describe what I just heard. The closest I can come is that it was like thousands of screaming Japanese people fleeing from Godzilla. My ears actually threw up. Seriously. I didn't even know they could do that! And the best part of all this is that Danny actually looks proud as hell of the giant dump he just took on stage.

Randy, moron that he is, forgets everything he said about "Dream On" last year, along with his constant claims that this is a singing competition, and gives Danny "an A+ for a valiant effort." Unreal.

Kara avoids saying anything too negative, merely suggesting that Danny took their advice to add in some "swagger" a bit too far. Then she makes her 100th mistake on the show by telling Danny, "I don't see you on this type of song, I see you more early Aerosmith, [like] 'Cryin' [and] 'Crazy'." WHAT?? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I've always thought that 1973 came before 1993. It isn't just me, is it? No, it damn well isn't. AAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!! HOW IS THIS WOMAN SUCCESSFUL IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS?? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHO STEVEN TYLER IS? KNOWING HIM AS "LIV'S DAD" DOES NOT COUNT!!!

I'm sorry. I went all Kanye up in here for a minute. And on rock night of all nights. It's okay. I'm okay now. Continuing on with the Hokey Pokey...

Paula tries to mask her hatred of Danny's performance by contradicting herself a few times before landing on, "ehhhhh, I'm a huge fan of yours." Simon basically agrees with everyone, including me when he compares Danny's final scream to something out of a horror movie. He carefully backs the bus over Allison once more, telling Danny that, despite that wretched performance, he'll be safe. Of course, Danny can't just smile and shut up. He has to take issue with Cowell's comment about his inhuman scream with a smirk-shrug combo and insists that it wasn't as bad as the judges claim. "I gotta go back and listen to it. Maybe they're right," he says, insinuating that they're dead wrong because he is AWESOME and he knows it. Seacrest reminds us that Hokey has never been in the Bottom 3, which I'm not sure is a pimp move or some sort of wonderful foreshadowing.

The second duet and final performance of the night belongs to Adam and Allison, who sing Foghat's "Slow Ride." Damn, what is it about Foghat that makes me crave ribs? (There's a joke in there. I'm confident that someone will get it.) Now, these two not only have good harmony but they can actually sing well on their own, too! How novel! Definitely the best performance of the night. Randy thinks it was da bomb, but not a hot lava bomb? The Dawg sure is getting stingy with those lately. Kara appoints Allison the Rock Goddess to Adam's Rock God. Paula thinks these two make "the perfect marriage," even though they will never have little Rock Godlets. Simon gives the Battle of the Duets award to Glamaheta, and gets one last dig in at Allison by telling Adam, "You may have given THIS ONE a chance of staying in the competition." Sheesh. If Allison gets "voted off" tomorrow night, I hope Slash accompanies her on a farewell performance of "Get in the Ring."

I don't think that's gonna happen though. At least I hope not. Allison definitely deserves to stay. Kris or Danny has to go. But they were both so completely out of their element tonight, so which one should it be?

Even though Hokey made me believe that some rock 'n' roll really is the devil's music, the judges clearly want to keep him around. Therefore, I believe that Kris Allen's lack of rock will get him rolled right off the stage.


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