American Idol 9: 3/24/10 Results

Another results show, another 30 gray hairs. Let's get to it.

You know how the judges kept complaining last night that "of all the #1 songs out there," the contestants chose stupid songs? Well, of all the #1 songs out there, why did TPTB choose to have the Top 11 perform Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go?" What, was Starship's "We Built This City" too challenging? It's as if they were actually searching for the cheesiest song possible. And I like this song. In its true form, anyway. It was always just the right amount of sharp cheddar. But having 11 rhythmically and vocally challenged kids perform it just pushed it over into Vieux Boulogne territory.

Product placement time. If there's anything I hate more than the group sings, it's the Ford commercials. I don't know what is happening here. There are Ford cars, natch. And some balls in a fountain. And what is that song they're singing? Is that Fall Out Boy? It might as well be.

Before getting to the results, Seacrest stalls for time by asking the Idols stupid questions. Gotta fill up this hour, y'know.

Casey tells us that he screwed up in rehearsal yesterday, but not during his performance. Wow. Great story!

Siobhan's bushy-bearded boss is in the audience, who has vowed not to shave until his employee is crowned the American Idol. I hate facial hair, but is that guy kind of cute? Am I blind? Or has the utter lack of man candy in this group driven me crazy?

Katie tells us that her dad is out getting drunk instead of watching her perform, using the excuse that he just can't bear to see his daughter fail. That's uplifting. Is Katie's dad Homer Simpson?

Finally, Seacrest starts with all the stand up-sit down nonsense. Siobhan is called first and is safe. Lee and Casey are asked to stand, and then Ryan just makes them hang out there for a sec. Tim and Paige also stand. Both are in the Bottom 3. Did anyone tell Lee and Casey it was OK to sit back down?

And now for our musical guest: It's Miley! She's all dressed up and sitting at the piano. She's not necessarily playing it. What she's doing to it is more like fondling or pawing. Testing it to see if it works, maybe. Eventually she gets bored of the piano and gets up so she can flip her hair around and clutch at her chest. Man, I haven't seen extreme hair tossage like that since Mike Tramp. And what's with all the seizing and writhing? Eegads. I feel like I'm watching an episode of Monsters Inside Me. If maggots start crawling out of her ears, I am so turning this off.

Whew. OK, nothing bad happened. I know what you're thinking—"Yeah, nothing bad unless you count the performance, right?" But strangely enough, it wasn't too terrible. Thank God for Lucky Strikes and Autotune mics. And while the latter unfortunately can't fix everything, the song was actually tolerable. Which, for a Miley Cyrus performance, is worthy of the standing ovation she got. Papa Billy Ray beams proudly from the audience, but looks a bit disappointed that Miley didn't break out the stripper pole.

Seriously, isn't it wrong that Miley's was probably the best performance we've seen on this show in the past two days? And isn't it even more wrong that that's not saying much? Can't we just eliminate everyone (with the possible exceptions of Siobhan and Crystal) and start over? And can we keep Alex Lambert this time?

Well, I guess that's not gonna happen. The show continues as planned. Aaron is safe. No surprise there. Didi stands to face Ryan and tries really hard not to go off the deep end as she asks the judges, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?? Ellen and Simon give some great constructive advice: just pick better songs and sing them better. It's just that simple, isn't it? But Didi pretends not to hear what Simon is saying. So, expect her to not be any better next week. Yep, she'll still be here.

Michael and Crystal are both safe. *blink* *blink*

Katie and Andrew are the last two asked to stand. Somehow, Gokey v2.0 squeaks by again and Katie ends up in the Bottom 3. Ryan makes her walk all the way over to where Paige and Tim are, just to yank her back to safety. Somewhere in an L.A. dive, Mr. Stevens is overheard bragging to patrons, "That's my baby! She sucked the least!"

Before Tim and Paige learn their fates, we must all endure another performance for the tween set. This one comes to us from Disney's newest arranged marriage: Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato. What the hell are these two singing/wearing/DOING? This is like walking in on two kids who got into mommy and daddy's closet and they're playing pretend rock star in the bedroom, while their parents are out getting drunk with Katie's dad. This is seriously embarrassing. But the crowd goes wild. I can't believe all these 12-year-olds are up so late. Where are their parents? Is Billy Ray babysitting them? If so, I hope they all enjoy their first trip to the strip club later on.

Now that 50+ minutes have been properly wasted, we finally get the results: Paige has been voted out. Seacrest can barely ask if the judges plan to use their save before Lord Cowell informs Paige that even if she dicovers the cure for cancer up on that stage tonight, they have no intention of saving her. Well then. I kind of hope (for several reasons) that after watching her farewell package, Paige just drops the microphone and storms off. She doesn't, but at least she doesn't sing us out with "Against All Odds." However, her reprise of "All Right Now" isn't much better. And then the news cut her off before she's even done. It's 10:00, Paige. Do you know where your glory notes are?

Next week's theme is R&B/Soul, with guest mentor Usher. Let's see if Katie can prove that she belongs in the pop/R&B realm. Or in the music business, period. Will Kim Jong Garcia try to do with "No Scrubs" what he did with "Straight Up?" And what about Dreadsocks™? She said she has big plans for next week, so maybe she's going to attempt a crazy, harmonica-laden cover of "No Diggity?" And what about our young Tim Urban? OH PLEASE, GODS OF REALITY TV, LET HIM SING "YEAH." 'Cause y'all know Tim Urban got the rhythm make ya booty go.


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