American Idol 10: I'm Dying Now, Carole!!

Tonight, the Idolettes are rifling through the Carole King songbook as Brooke White sits at home and cries that this was never a theme night during Season 7. But mainly because she's scheduled for a cry every night at 8:00.

Babyface swoops in to sit at the right hand of Jimmy Iovine, possibly while will.i.am was off on an extended bathroom break. I guess no one ever taught him the "move your feet, lose your seat" rule.

Up first is Jacob Lusk, dressed like a demented ice cream truck driver, doing plenty of head bobbin' and pee dancin' during his rendition of "Oh No, Not My Baby." I think Ol' Lusky's appeal is starting to wear thin but I have to admit to enjoying this performance, especially the second half when he funked it up a bit. Steven finds magic in Jacob's strut and J.Lo loves the performance even if it wasn't perfect. Randy just agrees with the other two and hopes that everyone notices his new outfit from the Boyz II Men collection.

Jimmy brings in a special guest to give Lauren Alaina a pep talk—it's Miley!! It's kind of surprising that Miley would show up after Jimmy dissed her pretty hard a few weeks ago, but she does mention that Jimmy "deserved" the can of tween Tumblr whoop-ass that her fans unleashed on him following his remarks. I'm not sure what Miley said to Lauren that was so inspirational but it worked, as she turns in a very good vocal on "Where You Lead." The girl still annoys me though, a feeling not helped by her cheesy move of dragging some poor nerd on stage, abandoning him there for a while, then returning to sing the rest of the song to him. All of the judges are so proud of Lauren for singing hard enough to make her voice crack. And then Steven starts talking in some sort of Gary Busey code that I can't quite understand. Ryan tries to play the role of matchmaker between Lauren and the object of her serenade but, when he discovers the guy is 19, he plays the role of cock-blocker.

Idol is really in love with duets this year, although they're not really mixing the contestants up too much. I probably shouldn't complain about that, since they're probably saving us from the trainwreck of a Scotty/Haley duet. Instead, Haley performs "I Feel the Earth Move" with her usual partner (and rumored lovah), Casey, because they do work well together. But just like on their last duet, Haley steals the show. Am I becoming a Haley fan? It's possible. Stranger things have happened. Nothing as strange as Steven giving someone a negative critique though. That's just plain crazy! As with every other performance on the show, there's nothing about the Haley/Casey duet that Steven doesn't like.

Scotty McCreery wants to show his softer, "romantic" side with "You've Got A Friend." Well, I think I mentioned before when Brooke White (who else) covered this that this song always reminds me of that SNL skit with Steve Martin getting stabbed outside Carole King's (Laraine Newman) apartment, and she doesn't hear his cries for help. (In case you were wondering, that's what my post title is referencing.) And when Scotty tries to hit those high notes, he kind of sounds like he's being stabbed, too. Unfortunately, we can all hear him. Randy does call Scotty out for his tendency to "fall off" the high notes but calls the beginning of the song "flawless." He also likes that Scotty "turned the other cheek" and showed a different side of himself. And not only does the Dawg proclaim that "Scotty's in it to win it," but he also clarifies that statement for anyone who may be confused by bellowing that "Scotty's trying to win it" and "Scotty wants to win it." Well, I'm glad he understands what "in it to win it" means, but he might want to look up "turn the other cheek" before using it again.

Also showing his softer side is James Durbin, who performs "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow," which he starts a capella before the band kicks in. He probably jammed in a few glory notes where they weren't needed but, other than that, I really can't find much to complain about here. When he's not just mindlessly screeching, James really does have a nice voice. Penny Marshall agrees. Steven lets us all know that this is the first song he ever made out to, while J.Lo describes the performance as "magical." Randy thinks James might just win the whole thing, and especially likes that he "turned the other cheek" this week. Really? They don't have some lackey working on set that could have told Randy during the commercial break to stop using phrases he doesn't understand?? JESUS. (Speaking of turning the other cheek.)

The next duet features perma-partners Lauren and Scotty singing "Up on the Roof." I can't even focus on the vocals because I want to slap Scotty's constantly-moving eyebrows right off of his smirky face. But J.Lo gives Scotty kind of a verbal slap by calling him the "second voice" behind powerhouse Lauren. Scotty may be turning the other cheek now, but his expression is that of a man who will be climbing a bell tower with a rifle later this evening.

Steven suddenly has a little blonde girl on his lap. No one bothers to explain why.

Casey Abrams sings the rather nonsensical (natch) "Hi-De-Ho (That Old Sweet Roll)" and, despite basically just growl-talking through a good portion, he gives a rather entertaining performance. The thing about Casey is, I can't see him becoming a multi-platinum-selling superstar but he would be an awesome club performer. I'd probably pay $10 to go get drunk and jam out to his shiz. Randy also enjoys the Casey Show and Revue, and Steven says that Casey's so good, he "makes his scalp itch." Jennifer wants Casey to loosen up more. Interesting. How much looser can Casey get? I hear Jennifer also thinks Scotty should lean to the right a little more, James should try to add some screaming to his songs and Haley should try growling once in a while.

Speaking of Haley Reinhart, she's keeping her growling under control and doing her best to win me over during "Beautiful." While I'm still not sure if I would call myself a full-fledged Haley fan at this point, she's certainly one of my top picks for this week. Steven says he just saw God and Jen calls Haley's "one of the best voices in this competition." Randy also enjoys the performance but, because he says that he didn't love the beginning as much as the end, the other judges and audience members angrily stone him to death. Well, OK, they don't really. But it may eventually get to that point. Also, I really wanted to jam another Biblical reference in this recap.

Haley's performance was probably a good way to end the show, but the producers opted to have the dynamic duo of James and Jacob close things out with their version of that giant wad of bubblegum, "I'm Into Something Good," popularized by Herman's Hermits. Well. Ummmm...yeah. I feel like I'm into something good right now—namely, a giant bag of weed. It's hard to know whether to crack up or vomit watching this but, since vomiting is rarely fun, I choose the former. I'm assuming that Steven is seeing the Devil now, because he is not amused. The one judge who never has a bad thing to say about anything does not like this. And he actually admits it. He's like, "Man, where were you going with all that?" All Jacob and James can do is join me in a good laugh.

I'm not sure if we're down to a Bottom 2 now or if there's a Bottom 3 until the Top 5. If it's a B2, I think Jacob and Casey will be there. If it's a B3, that's a little bit tougher. I'll just take a guess and say the third will be Lauren. (I thought about putting Scotty in the B3, but that kid's an unstoppable force. Thanks, lonely housewives of America.) Regardless of who's in the B2 or B3, it will probably be Jacob heading home tomorrow night.

Of course, the big question isn't who will be in the Bottom 3 or who will be voted off, but WHO WAS THAT LITTLE BLONDE GIRL ON STEVEN'S LAP AND WHY WAS SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED, SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN???? That has me creeped right the eff out.


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