American Idol 10: In The Year 2000...and Beyond

Tonight, American Idol celebrates the music of the present and not-too-distant past by dredging up some not-too-distant past Idolettes for the opening number, Pink's "So What." All the girls we've lost before—Pia, Thia, Naima, Karen and Ashthon—hit the stage first. Naima seems to be doing some sort of solo Paso Doble (perhaps as a nod to Pia's new piece, Mark Ballas), while Ashthon tries to morph into the black Betty Boop. And then along comes Paul, who clearly chose a 4/20 party over coming to rehearsal. McSparkleteeth's all, So what, I'm dating a Twilight star, I got my rose suit and I don't need you...stupid voters...dee dah dah....heyyyy how's errybodydoin? This is kind of like witnessing a drunk hipster jump on stage at a Sister Sledge concert while security naps.

During the video packages, all of the contestants rip on each other. Yay! I have to hand it to this year's batch of Idolettes for having a pretty good collective sense of humor.

Scotty McCreery brings us the first 21st century song of the evening, which Ryan introduces as "Swingin'" by LeAnn Rimes?? No, Seacrest, this is a John Anderson (the country guy, not the Yes guy with no 'h') song from the '80s. This is so typical of this show and this kid. Scotty gets a chance to do something modern and goes through the loophole to find a 21st century cover of a nearly 30-year-old song. The Idolettes all made fun of Scotty's whole schtick (holding the mic like a burrito, singing out of the side of his head, etc.), which is on full display here. He also sounds like a frog throughout most of the song but, wow, this kid really thinks he's quite the little prince, doesn't he? Happily, the judges finally give Scotty some negative feedback. Well, not Steven. He just says, "I love you," which translates to "I get paid no matter what I say, so I might as well say things that won't get me booed." However, J.Lo and Randy both warn Scotty that he needs to stop being so safe...right before jamming in a "but we still love you!"

James Durbin sends all the Glamberts into fits of rage by raiding Adam Lambert's closet and singing a Muse song. Oh, so much smeared eyeliner all over America tonight. Anyway, James is joined by a few rogue members of a drum line for "Uprising," during which he alternates between rocky snarling and high-pitched wailing, the latter causing his balls to rise up into his pelvis. This is kind of ridiculous, but still entertaining. Jennifer "goes out on a limb" (with that ass?) to claim this performance as "theatrically, the best of the night," while Randy agrees and says "DUDE" a lot. Steven and James bond over cheap rocker duds but then Steven crosses the line by putting James in the same realm as T.Rex. He must have been at the 4/20 party earlier, too.

Haley Reinhart covers Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," which, in theory, should be a good choice for her, but it's a boring failure. After Haley's impressive performance on last week's results show, I was expecting her to really take off from there. Instead, she's back to her old tricks: growling a lot and trying to make her voice do a thousand different things. She's also trying way too hard to sound like Adele. She needs to stop over-thinking and just sing the damn song. I will say that Haley looks really nice tonight. A vast improvement over last week's hooker gear. I dig that dress. Randy gives the "what kind of record are you gonna make" speech and thinks this kind of music is perfect for Haley, although the vocals were a little sharp in places. Steven's like, "you know what I'm gonna say." Yes, we do, Steven. Only good things. J.Lo says there were moments when Haley sounded better than Adele. Man, everyone was at that 4/20 party!

None of the contestants bring up Jacob Lusk's obvious gayness, but they all call him a "diva," to which Jacob rolls his eyes. We get another eye-roll at the start of his cover of Luther Vandross' "Dance With My Father," when he gets ahead of the music, or loses the track, or hears drums in his earpiece, or some other excuse that makes it not his fault for screwing up the beginning. This is not only dull, but Jacob is also singing like he has peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth. The judges' all deem this "emotionally great," but Randy wants crazy, loud, screaming Jacob back. (Shocker!) Jacob looks like he wants to cut Randy. All I know is that if Jacob ends up in the Bottom 3 this week, it just means that Americans weren't ready to dance with their fathers.

The Idolettes rag on Casey Abrams by taking turns donning a fake beard and putting their mouths all over his dirty melodica. Casey wisely sends that instrument out for a deep cleaning, and picks up the guitar for Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe," the ONLY good song that band of turds ever released. The vocals are bar band average, but the performance is very entertaining overall. Casey has a great time growling, scatting, hip-thrusting and getting all up in J.Lo's grill, before leaning in to plant a kiss on her cheek. Jen praises the performance and Casey's "soft lips," Randy loves that Casey is full of surprises and Steven is proud that Casey did what he's "been trying to do for four months." For his critique, Steven must have used all of Mr. Krabs' 13 swears plus a few that he made up because he got bleeped for what felt like an eternity.

Stefano Langone is a big flirt, so say the Idolettes. Since he looks like Joey Tribbiani' s long-lost cousin, I'm willing to bet that he's used the "how you doin'" opener more than a few times. While performing Ne-Yo's "Closer," Stefano tries to take Jimmy Iovine's advice to stop whining for sex and just demand it, but this isn't sexy no matter how you slice it. What's up with the half-assed dancing? And why did he pick this song? The backup singers are doing most of the work. I guess I can at least give Stefano props for not doing another boring ballad. Randy says he was expecting "bad karaoke" but was pleasantly surprised (nice backhand!), while Steven and Jennifer think Stefano did a good job.

Backstage word has it that Lauren Alaina is a twangy hick who never shuts up and has a penchant for falling down stairs. Wow, who knew? She closes out the evening with Sara Evans' "Born to Fly," which is decent enough, I suppose. I'm not sure it's pimp spot material, but her vocals are strong. Steven wants Lauren to sing more country songs by a bunch of other country singers who are not Sara Evans. OK, then. J.Lo and Randy want Lauren to practice screaming at home so she can join the glory note brigade. Pretty soon this show is going to be called Everybody Loves Shrieking.

So, who will be sent packing tomorrow night? I originally had Scotty, Jacob and Haley in the Bottom 3 with Haley going home but I'm starting to rethink that. I'm going to go against my first instincts and say that it will be an all-male Bottom 3, starring Scotty, Jacob and Stefano. I know it seems like a stretch to have Scotty in there but A) he went first, B) he got some of the only negative remarks, and C) this show takes every chance it can get to let Ryan wag his finger and say, "You can't assume anyone is safe...you HAVE TO vote for your favorites...NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! BABYLOCKTHEMDOORS IS IN DANGER!!"

Obviously, Scotty isn't going anywhere, so he'll be sent to safety right away. And it's a tough choice between Jacob and Stefano, but since Stefano has been a fairly frequent bottom-dweller, I think his time has finally come.


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