Saturday, June 25, 2005

Erectus Maximus

I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even bi. However, I can appreciate female beauty. And since there doesn't seem to be quite the abundance of "hot men" lists as there are "hot women" lists, I'm forced to comment on Maxim's Hot 100. Well, no one is actually forcing me, but I have nothing better to do right now than let my inner lesbian and/or bitch come out to play. After looking over the list though, I realized I don't know who half of these women are, especially in the higher numbers. So, I'll just stick to the top 10. I've also noticed that Catherine Zeta-Jones is nowhere to be found on the list, which leads me to believe that every man who works for Maxim is blind or stupid. (She's the one woman who holds my "Get out of Heterosexuality Free" card.) Anyway, here's my take on these chicks:

1. Eva Longoria - I'm sick of hearing about Desperate Housewives. I never watch it. But she is pretty hot. If I were a guy though, I'd probably go for Teri Hatcher.
2. Evangeline Lilly - Lost is another show everyone talks about that I don't watch. But this woman is also pretty hot. LOVE her hair.
3. Jennifer Garner - Yes, you guessed it, I don't watch Alias either. She just looks like a normal girl to me.
4. Lindsay Lohan - Hot as a redhead, hate her as a blonde. It's just upsetting that yet another pretty girl barely made it to 18 before the media started sexing her up. I mean, I still remember her as the freckled kid from The Parent Trap!
5. Jessica Alba - Never watched that goofy superhero show she was on, but she is very pretty. Better lips than Angelina.
6. Rachel Bilson - Does it need to be said that I don't watch The O.C.? She's pretty, but I see nothing all that super-hot about her.
7. Angelina Jolie - She has her moments, but she's just freaking weird. Apparently a lot of men like scary women.
8. Brittany Murphy - Another weird chick. She's definitely come far since Clueless. But again, she's just kind of a normal looking girl.
9. Jessica Simpson - Hmm...a dumb blonde with a hot bod...how ever did she get on this list?
10. Sara Foster - No clue. After looking her up, she kind of looks like Rebecca Romijn. If I were Rebecca Romijn and they put a less famous lookalike on this list in lieu of me, I'd be pissed!

Now then, if I were making a hot women list, these would be my top 10 choices. Let's call it the Top 10 Women Who Make Me Question My Sexuality list, shall we?

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones - Yowsa. I remember the first time I wondered if I might be gay was during The Haunting. I couldn't concentrate on the actual plot because I was too busy staring at her. Of course, the movie sucked, but still.
2. Daniela Pestova - Being that I get about 20 Victoria's Secret catalogs per month (who the hell is their Marketing Director?) I already feel deeply connected to the models. I always thought Daniela was the best looking one out of all of them. Oh, to be a pouty-lipped European chick. What a life that must be.
3. Kelly Preston - One of the most beautiful women in the world who happens to be married to the most beautiful man in the world.
4. Adriana Lima - Another VS model and pouty-lipped European. Er, no...I think she's actually Brazilian. Whatever. Does it matter? She seems to have taken over the catalog lately...and for good reason!
5. Eliza Dushku - I'm noticing that I tend to like women with big lips. I like men with full lips as well. Maybe it's that I covet what I don't have. My lips aren't ultra thin or anything, but I wish they could be plumper. Anyway, Eliza is a very pretty girl with big lips and great hair. (I covet the long, thick, flowing hair as well.)
6. Charlize Theron - Mighty pretty woman. She used to remind me of Sharon Stone, but then I realized she was much better looking and didn't seem like a complete bitch.
7. Kristian Alfonso - Better known as Hope on Days of our Lives. I started watching that show when I was probably much too young to be watching it. I gave up on it this year after the plotlines became progressively idiotic. When I was a kid, I always thought Kristian was one of the prettiest women I had ever seen, and she still looks great several years later.
8. Faith Hill - Faith actually reminds me a lot of Kelly Preston. Gaw-geous.
9. Tiffani Thiessen - Take out the "Amber" and she's still hot. I've recently developed an obsession with her hairstyles and currently have her "choppy" cut going on. Thanks, Tiff, for giving me something I can use. I knew it would look ok on me if it looked good on her because we both have super-round Charlie Brown heads.
10. Sara Racey-Tabrizi - Sara was one of the contestants on America's Next Top Model's 2nd season. She got eliminated much too quickly, in my opinion. They kept telling her that she looked too "sexy" and would be better suited for beer ads rather than high fashion. Whatever, the chick was hot! She lost out to that short, Audrey Hepburn wannabe, who seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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