Monday, June 22, 2009

As If You Needed More Proof That Hollywood is Just High School for Rich People...

Celebs be feudin'!

I guess David Letterman and Sarah Palin rubbed off on more than a few stars over the past week or so, as petty fights are breaking out all over this land of ours.

1. Al Roker vs. Heidi (no, I will not call her Heidi Pratt, because I don't believe that they're actually married for realsies) Montag and Spencer Pratt

Last Monday, Speidi stopped by Today, where they were interviewed by Roker as part of their "I'm A Celebutard Who Got Out of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! But That Doesn't Mean That I'm Going to Stop Talking About The Brief Time I Was There" press tour. Roker made the mistake of trying to get these two missed opportunities for abortion to answer the simplest of questions, which prompted the couple to later complain to MTV that he was just a big meanie, possibly possessed by the devil. The feud continued on Thursday with Roker telling Jimmy Fallon that he had no idea who "Speidi" was (he thought it might have been Tobey Maguire) and that he thought some type of jungle slug must have eaten their brains. Silly Al. Slugs can't eat what isn't there.

If you want the whole story, feel free to click on those links, although, for legal reasons, I can't actually encourage you to do so. I'm not going to be held responsible if any of you gouge your eyes out or burn down a Starbucks. The second link does have something to teach you, though. If you've always thought that people who speak in third person are the ultimate douchebags, Flesh Beard proves that they're merely the penultimate when he refers to the manufactured entity "Speidi" in third person.

2. Perez Hilton vs. Will.i.am

Just when I thought there wasn't a feud that I would care less about than the above, along come these two idiots. To explain this situation, I have to forget how old I am and that I am friends with the English language. I hope you'll forgive me.

Sunday wuz the Much Music Awards (in Toronto, yo!) and obvs Fergie wuz there 'cause, you know, the Peas r awesomeee. So, Fergie goes up to Perez and is like, "hey, u got sumptin' against our band?" and Perez acts like a little bitch!! So, Fergie is totally hurt 'n upset so she runs over to will.i.am and is like, "OMG dude, he's sooooooooooo rude! I'm like crying!!!" Course will gets salty, 'cause that's his girl, you know? So, he's like, "Oh, I'm gonna say sumptin'." He goes up to Perez and is like "don't talk about me no more" and Perez is all "yeah maybe." And will starts yellin that Perez is disrespecting him...and can u believe that Perez tells will that he DOESN'T respect him? SRSLY! And will is all like, "oh whatever man," and then Perez is all, "yo man, you're a faggot," and the fans are totally WHOA! and will is like, "What??" and everyone got all crazy and shit. Then Perez tried to shove off and will followed him outside and his manager Polo totally punched him in da face!!!!1 Perez is all bloody and started tweeting all his fans for help cos the cops told him it wasn't an emergency. So the fans called the cops and they finally came and now Polo gots to go to court for assault! Ca-raaaazy shiiiiiit!!

Okay, I'm back.

Perez and Will.i.am both posted videos giving their sides of the story, and while Will's isn't that interesting, Perez comes off like Chris Crocker 2.0 in his, so it's 20% annoying, 20% hilarious, and 60% ridonk. Usually, I might be inclined to agree with the statement that "violence is never the answer" if anyone but Perez Hilton were making it, but seriously, if anyone ever needed a beat-down, it's that jackass.

Now, GLAAD is getting in on the feud by demanding that Perez apologize for being a member of the gay community who purposely used the (other) F word, imagining it to be "the worst possible thing" he could have called Will.i.am.

3. Danny Gokey vs. Adam Lambert

Speaking of "teh gay," this feud, which actually seems to be between Gokey's and Lambert's fans rather than the two guys themselves, all started with some homophobic comments made by Gokey's cousin, Talea, on Facebook. (That link will take you to Oh No They Didn't [ONTD], an online community that has saved all of the original photos and comments, for fear of inevitable edits and/or deletion.)

It seems that, during the AI season, the Idols went to dinner one night with The Gokeys. Danny, presumably to embarrass Adam, brought along one of the more glamtastic pics from Adam's party boy days and asked him to sign it for someone (whoever "Stephanie" is). Apparently, Adam wasn't very happy about it but obliged, and later posed for photos with Talea and other family members. Talea showed her appreciation by talking some smack about Adam in the captions, and her friends left quite a few nasty comments.

Then, Gokey added fuel to the fire with this nonsensical statement, made during a Comcast live chat:
"Yes. I accept gay people, but people have to accept my beliefs. We have to accept their beliefs, but they have to accept my beliefs. We agree to disagree. I don't judge people, but at the same time, if they believe in what they believe, they have to accept me and what I believe. But I accept anybody as they come. That's my character and my personality."

What happened next I still don't fully understand because I am not a Twitterer. But according to this MTV.com article, "ONTD users created a Twitter hash tag — #gokeyisadouche — and decided to include it in their respective Tweets until it made it all the way to #1 on the site's Trending Topics (which it eventually did, overtaking #iranelection at the top of the list). That, of course, caused even more people to begin Googling "Gokey is a douche" (because, really, most people had no idea what was happening), sending the term rocketing up the Google Trends list."

Wow, that makes my head hurt.

Look, I'm not Smuggie's biggest fan, so I can't help but smile when I hear that "Gokey is a douche" is a top search term anywhere because, although I don't know him personally, he most likely IS a douche. But even though I enjoyed ripping him apart in my Idol recaps (that is part of my unpaid schtick, after all), I think the fans are acting like a bunch of little kids on a playground here. Danny Gokey is a nobody. He's really not worth all the effort. And Adam's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

The fan feud is probably still boiling, but Danny and Adam both tweeted that they have no beef with each other, and that everyone should cool out on the gossip. Whether or not that's completely true doesn't really matter. They're tired of all the sandbox drama. Adam is more concerned with recording his debut album and Danny would just like to enjoy his last few minutes of fame before being forgotten and then hitting the Midwest rib festival circuit with Jon Brennan.

For me, the most disturbing part of all this nonsense is the fact that Adam actually caved and joined Twitter, especially after he publicly said that he wasn't interested in it. I can't believe he went over to the dark side. I thought we were going to be the last two on Earth not tweeting...and then it would have been our responsibility to repopulate the world with people who wouldn't be so completely reliant on useless social networking tools. Ah, well. It was a nice dream while it lasted.

24 comments:

words...words...words... said...

What? Perez Hilton is gay??

Also, I don't use Twitter, so we can do it if you want. We can start with a drinking game where we drink every time Gokey says "beliefs".

Bubs said...

I love this. I actually watched the Perez Hilton video statement, and your description of it as Crocker-esque is perfect. As I watched it, I thought, whatever happened to the concept of "fighting words"? The notion that, occasionally, if you were obnoxious or insulting enough someone might just punch you in the face and you'd deserve it?

I also loved his "violence is never the answer". All I could think was, dude--sometimes violence is the only answer.

Cora said...

Pffft! I refuse to Twitter/ Tweet/Twat (whatever its called) too, BeckEye.

You are not alone.

Not that I can help you repopulate the planet....

SkylersDad said...

I have never been so happy to be so out of it Becky!

Cormac Brown said...

"Silly Al. Slugs can't eat what isn't there."

Pure platnium.

red said...

Ahhh, homophobes. So effing retarded.

I'd be willing to bet Adam doesn't actually Twitter himself.

Some Guy said...

I'm all for a pay-per-view Roker/Spencer ultimate fighting cage match. I only ask that Al be allowed to use brass knuckles. He is a lot older so it's only fair.

Billy said...

Wow. (1) Methinks Roker was projecting his strong desire to punch the shit out of his producer directly onto these two sweet and innocent celebutards for forcing him to interview them in the first place.

(2) Perez should be spanked. In ways he doesn't enjoy. He should be forced to live on an island with Speidi until they eat one another in a non-sexual fashion. I've never been in a fight that lasted more than two punches my whole life, but I'd probably jump at the chance to punch Perez.

(3) Smuggie's "Christian" relatives and their mature handling of Glambert is precisely the reason Bill Maher takes such glee in making documentaries mocking fundamentalists. I get that all of us religious types are inevitably hypocrites, but it would be nice if they tried not being so g-ddamn blatant about it.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I hate myself a little bit for being able to understand that whole Perez vs. Will.i.am.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I have two things to say here:

How the FUCK did Perez Hilton get famous for scribbling unfunny pink nonsense on other people's photos? Even before he was famous I'd occasionally look at his site and think "WTF is this crap?" Now he's a diva? Please. Whoever beat him didn't do it hard enough.

Secondly, I dreamed about Danny Gokey last night. I know, I'm horrified. I can't remember the context but it was definitely him and he kept touching me. There, I got it out. I'm so traumatized.

CDP said...

The will.i.am recap was srsly hilarious, yo.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Speidi= Tobey Maguire? Hilarious. and the fact that those two idiots are famous is even more hilarious.

Perez and wil i am? Perez used the f-word???
Oh shame, that's so 2000 and late.

Gokey who? Rock on Glambert!

Insults said...

Excellent blog! Perez was total Crocker. I didn't feel bad when it made me laugh out loud.

Kimizzy said...

Words- hahahahahahahahaha! Or "accept"!

Well written Beckeye. I'm glad to see that even though our country's economy is plummeting, celebrities are right there to assure us life is normal, because Hollywood is still full of idiots.

Heff said...

Wow. Somebody actually keeps up with this shit. Impressive.

J.J. in L.A. said...

The only people I recognize are Fergie and Perez. The guy who whacked him should've let her do it. She looks like she could cause more damage. Perez is a wanker.

Soda and Candy said...

Ugh, I can't even... I'm just kind of ashamed that I know who all these people are.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I will not tweet with you, my dear, but I'm not gay either.

mylittlebecky said...

actually, she wants to be called just "heidi." sad for me that i know that! :)

katrocket said...

hahaha! You're so awesome.

The Perez Hilton reaction reminds me of Adam Goldberg's character in Dazed and Confused. A brief run-in at the Moontower party quickly escalates from embarrassment to seething rage and indignance, all because someone is upset that they were called out in front of others.

Hating Perez doesn't make you homophobic. He's the #1 hater on the internet, and someone should have punched him a lot sooner.

Fancy Schmancy said...

OMG, u r so totes awsum, 2 funny, srsly. I <3 u.

Alice said...

perez and speidi should be forced to live on a desert island together that they actually CAN'T get off.

do you ever watch chelsea lately? she's decided speidi doesn't deserve to have their names spoken any more, since us talking about them is what keeps them around, so she's renamed them herpes simplex 1 and 2. because they just won't go away. :-)

Gifted Typist said...

I've gone over to the dark side of Twitter, am I allowed on this blog, still?

dguzman said...

"I accept anybody as they come."

heh heh... he said "come."

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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