Monday, June 27, 2005

Summer Movie Mish-Mash

Yes, it's summer movie season...and folks are lining up around the block to drop $10 or more on a bunch of stuff that will be out on DVD in a few months. I don't know what it is, but since I've gotten older, I no longer enjoy going to movie theaters. Scratch the first part of that sentence, I do know what it is. It's this:

1. Why pay $10 to see something now when you can pay about $2 or $3 to see it a little later? Not that I'm super-cheap (having a shitty-paying job doesn't help) but I hate dropping all that money on a flick that I may very well end up hating.

2. $10 for a movie ticket is nothing compared to $10 for a drink and some popcorn.

3. Sticky floors make me want to puke. (Not limited to porn theaters.)

4. I invariably sit:
a)In front of some jackass who has already seen the movie and feels the need to narrate for everyone.
b)In front of some jackass who can't follow the plot and constantly has to ask questions or make stupid comments.
c)In front of some pig who can't chew with his mouth closed or drink without slurping.
d)In front of some little brat with a death wish who continuously kicks the back of my seat.
e)Behind some Amazonian freak of nature with Kramer hair.
f)Near a pack of teenagers who only want to make out or make noise.
g)Within 10 rows of some uber-important toad who "forgets" to turn his/her cell phone off.

5. Most theaters keep their climate control settings somewhere around "Antarctic".

Mix all those ingredients together to make one very angry girl. Nine times out of ten, I'll opt for the Blockbuster night.

Now then, here are the "big deal" movies out this summer that we're all supposed to be clamoring to see, and my take on them:

Batman Begins - Bruce Wayne dons the mask in the origin of the Dark Knight.
Even with the presence of Katie Holmes, this does pique my interest. I wasn't too fond of the other Batman movies, but did really enjoy both Spiderman flicks. I'm hoping that this one is more along the lines of the latter. And Christian Bale is a hottie. But, I'll still probably wait for it to come out on DVD.

Fantastic Four - Marvel Comics' original family of heroes takes on Dr. Doom.
Another superhero tale. I vaguely remember reading some of these comics when I was younger, since my oldest brother is an artist and always had that stuff around. From the trailers, this looks pretty interesting and The Thing looks cool. I'll still wait until I can watch it with cheap-o store-bought popcorn.

War of the Worlds - Tom Cruise faces alien invaders.
I don't know if you can tell by the rest of my blog, but I'm not much of a Tom Cruise fan. I'm not much of a remake fan either. And I've never been a fan of movies about aliens. I'm just hoping this turns out to be worse than Battlefield Earth so the media can leave my poor Johnny alone.

Herbie: Fully Loaded - Lindsay Lohan drives the VW with a mind of its own to victory.
Hmm, another remake. My niece went to see this the other day and thought it was great. But she liked Spy Kids and watching that made me want to poke my eyes out.

The Honeymooners - Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton are still hoping to get rich quick.
Ok, now this isn't really a remake, because the original Honeymooners were white. Oh, those studio execs are so incredibly original.

Bewitched - An actor (Will Ferrell) learns his co-star (Nicole Kidman) is a real witch.
Well...I won't say anything bad about a Will Ferrell vehicle. I just can't.

The Dukes of Hazzard - Good ol' boys Bo and Luke Duke hit the big screen.
I never missed this show when I was younger. I tried watching a rerun a few years back and came to the discovery that I was easily entertained as a child. I wonder how long it will be before we're treated to the big-screen version of B.J. and the Bear? I already have a casting suggestion - have Adrian Grenier play B.J. He looks the part. And how about instead of "Bear" being a chimp, he's actually a real bear? That would be super-awesome! Can you imagine a big ol' bear riding shotgun in a big rig? That's worth $10 alone.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Starring Johnny Depp.
Yeah, that was Yahoo's whole plot synopsis for the movie..."starring Johnny Depp". Well, I guess you can't blame them. Everyone already knows what the story's about because it's another damn remake!

Dark Water - A new apartment holds an evil spirit. With Jennifer Connelly.
Oh, another attempt at the psychological thriller and I think another attempt to remake a successful Japanese horror film. Since The Sixth Sense, the studios have been trying to give us more scares, but I haven't seen one genuinely good movie in that genre since.

The Island - Clones created for organ harvesting try to escape their fate.
Ewan McGregor. More than one Ewan McGregor. Uh, this one might be worth seeing. Although, it might benefit me more to watch the DVD in the privacy of my own home. Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean?

Wedding Crashers - No bridesmaids are safe around Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.
I have been in 10 weddings in my 32 years and NEVER have I seen a wedding party member or guest that came even close to looking like Vince Vaughn. It's not fair, I tell you! All I got out of my bridesmaid career is a closet full of $200 dresses that I'll never wear again. Well, anyway, Vince and Owen are always extremely funny and I'm sure there's a Ben Stiller cameo in this one somewhere. Out of all the summer movies, this is one I'd be most likely to go see at the cinema.

8 comments:

The Everglades said...

I love this:

"...uber-important toad..."

But I'm a theater whore. I even saw The Longest Yard remake even though I knew Sandler would screw it up. I'm the person who keeps Hollywood execs thinking they can make anything and the masses will go and see it.

But, I never watch TV*, so I guess it is a wash.

Blake

*I was weened from television when I worked in Paris, France as a bicycle tour guide for 10 months in 2004. There is nothing like not having a televison/French programming to make you forget all about the boob tube. But'll I'll donate my left testicle to get into a screening of Battlefield Earth 2.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Well, I liked the Batman movie. I wouldn't touch The Honeymooners, Bewitched, Herbie, or Willy Wonka with a stolen dick. That goes for the Dukes Of Hazard, too. Wedding Crashers is a DVD watch for me, and so is the Island. Everyone loves a good organ farming movie.

I like going to the theater for early afternoon shows. The theater is empty, somewhat clean, and no obnoxious noises crowd out the blasting noise of Dolby Digital Surround, or THX, or whatever they're using these days.

Going to the movies with friends is okay, but I love going alone.

BeckEye said...

Well Blake, if you're buying, I'll go see Battlefield Earth with ya, testicles or no.

The Everglades said...

I don't even think a brain would be required to get into BFE 2, let alone testicles (I think I have three, by the way).

Travolta is a total hack. I love the fact that he has totally accepted his chicken neck and bulbous head.

Blake

BeckEye said...

Hack? I'm sorry, I don't understand the word in the context of your sentence.

I'll let the first offense slide. One more and we're racing for pinks, punk.

The Everglades said...

Did you see A Love Song for Bobby Long?

Blake

Briggs said...

if you think you will like weddingcrashers have a look on their site for the Crash This Trailer feature. you can upload an image of yourself so that you can be a character in the trailer. have a look at http://www.weddingcrashersmovie.com/crashthistrailer/

Bennett Izzard said...

Thanks so very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative blog.

 

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