Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Under Her Thumb

I don't believe in the term "guilty pleasure". I like what I like and make no apologies for it. However, I still feel a teensy bit dirty getting so much enjoyment out of VH-1's latest train wreck of a show. I'm speaking of Kept, which revolves around Jerry Hall's quest to find a kept man. This show is at once hilarious and revolting. For those of you who haven't seen it, I'll summarize why I get so much satisfaction from it. (Rolling Stones pun #2, if you're keeping score.)

1. As a woman, there is a duality to this whole concept. On one hand, I have to think it would be quite something to have a hot piece of meat at my beck and call. And not merely hot! No, no! As this show is teaching me, the perfect "kept" man needs to be cultured...which so far consists of being able to skeet shoot, carry on a conversation with Yoko Ono and dance while wearing a powdered wig. On the other hand, you have to think about the kind of guy who would be willing to live this kind of life. And thanks to this show, seeing just those types of guys will pretty much knock that kept man fantasy out of most women's heads.

2. I can't help wondering while watching this if Mick Jagger justifies the outrageous cost of Stones tickets by arguing that his divorce settlement with Jerry brought him down from billionaire to run-of-the-mill millioniare level, and he needs to make up the difference somehow.

3. I'm fascinated that a rich, still reasonably attractive woman who could have her pick of men would feel the need to sell her soul to VH-1 to find a mate. But I'm sure she's as serious about the whole process as these himbos are. There's no greater love than love of oneself, and how better to show that love than by plastering your face all over TV?

Now, the show might be Jerry's but it really belongs to her prospective men. You gotta hand it to VH-1's casting directors; they really know how to pick 'em. Introducing...

Slavco - A 24 year old bartender from...New Jersey? I seriously thought this dude was from some fashionable little secret village in Lithuania. He doesn't say much, because historically, hot bartenders don't need to say much. And usually when they do talk for more than 5 minutes, all you can think about is pounding another Long Island Iced Tea.

Devonric - A retail store manager from Texas. For a store manager, his sales skills aren't the strongest...I can't remember anything this guy has done on the show. But I do like to say "Devonric". I can totally hear Jerry introducing him at some weird European fashion show as "my lovah, Devonric".

Brian - A 34 year old singer from Brooklyn with brown hair and blue eyes. What??? Where the hell was I when this guy was on? Apparently he's already been voted off. Hey, he sounds like my kind of guy....oh good Lord. I just happened upon his picture and he's wearing a bastardized version of the white Tony Manero suit. Can I dig it? No...no I can't.

Jon - Our little (a half inch shorter than me) barista from Connecticut. This is the guy who's been the butt of all the other guy's jokes, basically because he is a bit of a dweeb. Therefore, he's guaranteed to make it into the Top 5.

Maurizio - Ok, I've stopped saying "Devonric" and I'm now bellowing "Maurizio" in my best Count von Count accent. Maurizio is 1..2..3..4..5..6....6 feet tall! Mwaaah ha ha ha!

Anwar - Anwar seems to be impressing Jerry so far, and why not? He's tall, dark and handsome. He's also a zookeeper...and you know what they say about zookeepers, don't you? Hmmm? No? Well, basically they always smell like shit. Hey, I never meant to imply it was something good.

Austen - If you laid out all of Jerry and Austen's teeth end to end, you could build a trail from New York to LA. I imagine that makes them compatible in some sense. This guy seems nice enough, but he just looks like every smackoff to ever grace a Polo ad.

Michael - A 31 year old computer consultant from the Garden State. Surprise, surprise...he wasn't kept, just schlepped all the way back to Jersey.

Jason - Jason looks like every asshole frat boy I've ever had the misfortune of being simulataneously hit on and drenched in beer by. Shock of all shocks, he failed one of Jerry's tests and got caught playing tonsil hockey with some chick in a bar.

Frank - Frank..gets...angry...Frank...wants...to...smash!! Hey, just kidding. Frank seems like a stand-up guy. He's a 33 year old, no-neck fireman from Rochester, NY. He's so hot for her (Jerry, of course) but she's so cold. (There's #3!)

Ricardo - Ah, Ricardo. No doubt the breakout star of the show. Too bad he got voted off last week! Every woman's dream on first glance and every woman's nightmare the second he opens his mouth. And if anyone has any doubts that Ricardo is a complete turd (on the run), he clarifies things by often speaking in 3rd person. Some girls might think he's hot, but the respectable ones will see him for the ass that he is. Bye, bye Rico Suave...we won't miss you. (Still keeping score? Damn, after that I'm spent!)

Seth - Seth is my kind of guy. Well, he would be if he weren't on this show. He's got that "could be a business man/could be a stripper" look about him. And best of all, he's quite the sarcastic little devil. He'd never last as a "kept" man. He just wants to get his cute little ass on TV.

So that's a little about the original contesants, and now only 7 remain. This week's show promises to be interesting. (Or so I tell myself to soften the blow of having nothing to do on Thursday night.) The guys have to learn how to cook and throw a fabulous dinner party for Jerry and her pack of boring friends. I'm anticipating that brown sugar will be used, lots of "shrimp" jokes will be made at Jon's expense, Jerry will say something about having sticky fingers and at least one guy (probably Seth) will make a sexual reference to bouillabaisse.

Wait...is it too late to make a pun about the zookeeper guy being a Monkey Man?? Damn, I should've had that one!


The Everglades said...

I have never seen this show but I feel like I know what the hell is going on now. Your descriptions of each guy killed me. My favorite was Jon—he sounds like a total douche.


Ruben said...

Ok! Now I'm interested in the show and I have to watch it. These reality Tv shows are addictive. Jerry Hall is kinda cute. I can't beleive mr. Fossil Mic Jagger can pull such attractive women.

Sass said...

I agree about guilty pleasure. It's a pleasure damn it - enjoy it.

Jody Cotter said...

Stop blogging right now!


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