Back to Life, Back to Reality

I'm sure that about 85% of actors out there hate reality TV. Why? Because it's taking jobs away from them and making stars out of regular people. Well, we can't have that! More and more celebrities are finally starting to realize that if they can't beat reality shows, they might as well join them.

Shows like The Surreal Life and Celebrity Fit Club prove that B-listers and below will do just about anything to keep their names on the collective lips of the public. These shows have a real train-wreck appeal, but I doubt that viewer interest lasts for any reasonable length of time past the season finales. Why should anyone care what happened to Christopher Knight or Da Brat from The Surreal Life 3 when Omarosa Falling Drywall-Stallworth and Jose Canseco are ready to move in and pick up where they left off? Laughing at the trials and tribulations of has-beens or never-weres is only funny for so long.

This is why it was refreshing to see a show like Dancing With the Stars come along. I resisted watching at first, but was lured in because I was bored one night and my sister wouldn't hand over the remote. Once I started watching it though, I found it really entertaining. The calibre of celebrity was slightly higher, although still not in A-list range. Everyone knows Rachel Hunter and Evander Holyfield. Joey McIntyre may have peaked with NKOTB (wickahd awesahm) but he still has his share of fans. John O'Hurley is a TV legend of Seinfeldian proportions and Kelly Monaco stars on General Hospital, one of daytime's most popular soaps. The only real dud in the bunch was that simpleton, Trista Sutter. Luckily for everyone, Ms. Sappy got voted off first. Of course, I wasn't completely happy with the show because John O'Hurley and his partner, Charlotte were totally robbed! Being the smart cookie I am though, I was expecting it. I was sure that Kelly, her hot bod and her partner, Alec, would triumph at the end because the public loves its little Cinderella stories. To have her go from the worst contestant to the winner would allow everyone at home to have a Tony Robbins moment with themselves, truly believing that anyone can achieve their goals if they just set their minds to it. However, the real lesson is that good looks or a sappy story will get you a lot further in life than actual talent. Not to say that Kelly and Alec didn't dance well, but anyone could see that they weren't quite as graceful as John and Charlotte. But whatever, they all have more money than me and they all got free dance lessons, so what the hell do I care?

Now I've heard that since the popularity of Dancing With the Stars, FOX (never to be outdone) is developing their own show called Skating With Celebrities, where various celebs team up with professional figure skaters. All the insurance salesman in Tinseltown are salivating over this one, no doubt. Now, I know it's FOX but this is just plain stupid. I know that professional ballroom dancers have heavy training schedules, but it's nothing compared to what skaters go through. Most ice skaters started out at a very early age and spent countless hours practicing to get as good as they are. And they keep practicing to stay good. And when they fall....hello, it's ice!! It hurts like a bitch. Not that I would know what falling on my ass out of a triple lutz feels like, because when I go ice skating, there is never a time I'm not clutching the railing and moaning that my ankles feel like they're going to snap in half. Still, I can imagine. Are the producers of this show seriously expecting celebrities with no professional training to learn how to do jumps and lifts? Unless they plan on recruiting B and C listers who actually can ice skate well, and then really what's the point? Everyone is going to be watching the show to see who will be the first jackass to have their teeth knocked out. No one wants to see celebrities who already have an edge. It's the promise of seeing someone like Kathy Griffin doing a belly flop on the ice that keeps asses in the seats.

I wonder if this inane trend of Celebreality (copyright: VH1?) TV will continue? If so, I have a few ideas for shows. You listening, Mark Burnett?

CSI: Hollywood - Celebrities like Anna Nicole Smith, Carrot Top and Frank Stallone are paired up with a real life crime scene investigator and let loose in a real crime scene. Whoever solves the case first wins. Of course, there's only one DNA expert available to all the teams, so alliances will have to be made in order to get a leg up on the stiff competition. (Har har har.)

Law & Order: Former Child Stars Unit - Kid stars from the past like Butch Patrick, Todd Bridges and The Coreys team up with brash detectives to find out where the hell their careers and money went.

Survivor:Pauly Shore Island - Ten has-beens (Judd Nelson, Jim McMahon, Soleil Moon-Frye, Alannah Myles, etc.) are stranded on an island with Pauly Shore to see who can last the longest without killing themself or Pauly.

Who Wants To Be President? - Five famous folks run for prez. Let's say, Howard Stern, Michael Jordan, Tom Cruise, Bruce Springsteen and the token woman, Susan Sarandon, all make a bid for the White House. (Is this really worse than a normal election?) I can't wait for the big "Cruise Likes Dudes" smear campaign.