Friday, July 01, 2005

Wishlist

If you believe what you see on The Tonight Show's "Jaywalking" skit, 9 out of 10 people couldn't name Sacajewa, Susan B. Anthony or even Laura Bush. However, there is one lady that everybody knows, thanks in large part to the US Postal Service. That lady is Ms. Harriet Carter.

I don't know anyone who hasn't gotten Harriet's catalog, chock-full of fabulous products designed to make the average consumer's life a little easier or just more wacky fun. In case you are living under a rock (and under the impression that Susan B. Anthony is married to the bassist dude from Van Halen) and haven't been acquainted with Ms. Carter, allow me to share with you some of my favorite items from her catalog. Those of you who are up to speed, feel free to gloat about the products you already have and kick yourself over the ones you're missing.

Hair Cutting Umbrella
Great for the home stylist! Avoid having to sweep up hair clippings when you're done. Also great for the guy who wants to look good after the haircut, but like a total jackass during.

Tree Face
For those who can't wait until Christmas to make their yards look like gaudy Vegas flea markets.

Whizzing Beagle
I hope no one would put the whizzing beagle next to the happy tree. Because what if you're driving by that guy's house one day and your 8 year old asks you why the tree is so happy that a dog is peeing on it? Yep, then you have to explain golden showers to an 8 year old...and who needs that? Damn ornamental lawn statues. Why do you want our kids to grow up so fast?

Big Mouth Billy Bass
Yes! My time machine works!!!

The Fart Game
Beans and raisins sold separately.

Toilet Train Your Cat Book
For that crazy cat lady who has everything. She could always use a little more crazy.

Urine Gone
Urine Gone stain/odor remover...comes with "stain detector" black light so you can find old stains invisible to the naked eye. This is proof that CSI has become too popular. This is also proof that a lot of people out there are too lazy and disgusting to clean up their dog's piss right away.

Garden Cherub
News at 11: Albino boy with wings mutilated; remains found in local woman's front yard. (Ick. This thing is supposed to be cute?)

Toilet Golf
Does anyone like golf or crapping this much??

Surprise Box
If you don't want to deal with the hassle of filling out order forms to get your surprise gift, take $10 and flush it down the toilet. There! You didn't have to wait 8-10 business days and you know exactly where your money went.

5 comments:

Wendy said...

My mom and grandma love Harriet Carter. My mom owns the hair cutting umbrella.

Cincysundevil said...

There is finally a catalog for people like me .... heh-heh. Great blog by the way!

The Everglades said...

You might not believe this, but I'd never heard of Harriet Carter until you let me in on the secret here.

Did she fashion a "suck-cut" after the Wayne's World hype of 1992?

Blake

Anonymous said...

Jesus, Beck...that's hysterical. I never laughed so hard. I love the Beagle/tree/golden shower comment! And yes todays kids are growing up too fast...mmmmm..maybe it IS Harriet's fault! :)

Angela :)

Nonsensical_Flounderings said...

I think the whizzing Beagle is fun, we have something similar in it is the rear end of a dog with no head, when you put it on the floor it looks like the dog has its head in a hole. Have to take a piccy of it.

The Garden Chrub is great too.

Great Blog.

M

 

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