Monday, August 08, 2005

Aren't You On TV?

I'm completely fascinated with a new breed of celebrity: The VH1 Star. These are people who have seemingly built careers based on nothing but their boundless availability and penchant for talking about random pop culture topics for as long as the public will listen. (We haven't stopped yet.)

Where do you sign up for this job? Why wasn't I notified? Obviously, I am something of a pop culture freak myself. So, when do I get my chance to rap about Teddy Ruxpin with Mo Rocca or debate who's having the "best week ever" with Hal Sparks? God, I feel so cheated.

As bitter as I am, I have to say that these "media gadflies" (a term that I first heard on VH1) are some of the most interesting people on TV right now. Let's take a gander at some of the more ubiquitous panelists:

Rachel Harris - Rachel seems to be a pop-culture movie character come to life: the "nerdy" girl with the glasses who is actually kind of hot. She's pretty funny though. I like her deadpan humor, though in large doses it can wear a little thin.

Christian Finnegan - Here is one in a long list of many "up and coming" comedians you can find on any number of VH1 programs. Christian is probably one of the funniest…I really like him. He looks like a big, cuddly teddy bear too, which doesn’t hurt. Ok, ok, so I have a little crush on him. I guess that means that he’s having the best week ever!

Hal Sparks - Ok, so Hal did have a job before becoming the spokesman for all things VH1, but so what. He hosted Talk Soup after all the good hosts left. (There were only two good ones - Greg Kinnear and John Henson.) I honestly hated Hal on that show, but he’s really grown on me since then. Maybe it was his stirring rendition of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" that won me over. Or maybe it has something to do with his naked ass on Queer as Folk.

Michael Ian Black - Michael is Hal's stiffest competition in the race to become Mr. VH1. He's also a little more well-known than some of the others, from his work on The State and Ed. I've had more than one person tell me that he seems like the ideal man for me. I guess it's common knowledge that I like weirdos, and this guy definitely fits the bill. He's so freaking funny though. I would love to spend a day with him. Preferably somewhere like the MTV Video Awards so we could ruthlessly rip on everyone.

Paul Scheer - Another unknown comic who apparently hung around the Late Night set before settling down on everyone's favorite music channel. He is upholding my new theory that all guys with a gap between their front teeth are funny.

Paul F. Tompkins - Yet another witty, gap-toothed comedian on the rise. You can't see either one in this picture, but he's got the smile of Letterman and the hair of Cosmo Kramer. How could a guy with all that going on not be funny?

Michael Colton and John Aboud - These guys are described on the VH1 website as "the best Best Week Ever commentators ever". Well, there you have it! They are pretty hilarious guys, but they kind of look like they could be serial killers too.

Melissa Rauch - One of the few female comediennes who I actually find funny. That may sound sexist, but since I’m a woman, it’s not. I suppose it’s just bitchy. My hairdresser told me once that I reminded him of her...not looks-wise, but attitude-wise. See!! I could be where she is! I should be where she is!! Oh, the unfairness of it all. I might have to go all Single White Female on her ass.

Donal Logue - Or as I like to call him, Donal Loathe. I can not take this guy. He must be related to someone at the station. It’s the only explanation I can up with as to why VH1 keeps inviting this jackhole to come and give his annoying commentary on everything under the sun. I use the term “commentary” loosely, because all he really does is blather on aimlessly about nothing, and getting louder as he goes on. Please make him go away. HE IS NOT FUNNY. I remember way back when he did those short "Jimmy the Cab Driver" commercials on MTV. They were pretty amusing. But, if you give this guy an inch, he'll take a foot. He just doesn't know when to shut up. I think it's about time he's replaced. *Ahem*

Hey, Christian Finnegan - if you read this, give me a call. And if you can hook me up with a job as a panelist on one of these pop-tart shows, I'll play "hide the shillelagh" with you.


Serena said...

Uh? You don't like Donal Logue? I have not watched much VH1, but I love this man!
Watch the Tao of Steve and The Big Tease.
He has this amazing ability to create sexy characters out of disgusting personalities (okay-- not really in The Big Tease), but I love this guy!

Lee Ann said...

I like Hal. I thought he looked familiar...Talk Soup. I haven't ever watched Queer as Folk, but now I am curious! Too bad you aren't in Melissa's place, but you shouldn't give up hope. I saw that movie just yesterday (Single White Female). I don't think I expected it to be what it was, pretty intense! Keep reaching for the stars (who said that....was it Kasey Kasem)?

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

So funny that I was just talking with someone at Happyville Library (who is my age) about how MTV is for people under 16, and VH1 has come out of the "easy listening" phase to be one of the best cable channels on for anyone over 16. I get all my news from The Best Week Ever, and will rearrange my schedule for the I love the 70s/80s/90s shows. God help me if they do a marathon and I have to park my butt in front of the TV all damn day.

I have a total crush on Hal Sparks. Even though he's but an appetizer-sized man, I so adore him it doesn't even matter. Thanks to Queer as Folk, I have become a bit of a fag-hag. That show rocked!

Bailey said...

Love your breakdown of VH-1 psydo-celebs.

When I watch old re-runs of those shows, you would think that some of them would have become famous. Much like seeing David Spade in an old Police Academy movie. But atlas, no one seems to have hit the big time. Except for maybe the Sprite commerical guy.

FU said...

we don't have VH1 in canada... :( sniff.. i feel very lonely. we do have a canadian equivalent though - MuchMoreMusic. (because our MTV is called MuchMusic) clever eh? :)

BadGod said...

I never want to be on tv. I don't "do well" in font of a camera.

Which explains my porn career never took off.

Anonymous said...

they are one step above Reality TV Celebrities...I mean one day Fred is mowing my lawn and waxxing my car, and the next paparazzi are tripping over themselves to get his picture arriving at the Golden's still Fred The Gardner

Sangroncito said...

That Paul guy with the gap in his teeth is kinda cute!

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I always wondered who those people were... I thought it was the fact that I am vastly out of touch that made me ignorant!

I feel so much better.

I like Hal Sparks too.

Melanie said...

What annoys me about those VH1 pop culture shows is I Love the 70s. They had people commentating that were only about 6 years old during the 70s! I was expecting them to bring in some people who were actually a part of the "scene" during those years, but instead I'm sitting there watching Hal Sparks talk about his Wonder Woman underoos or some shit like that.


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