Monday, August 01, 2005

Error: You Are Too Ugly To Access This Site. Please Check Your Facial Settings and Try Again.

Internet dating. The last refuge for average or below average folks looking for a soul mate, or even just a playmate. The ideal activity for those busy career men and women who simply don't have time to work the social scene. The perfect way to jumpstart a dead love life for those who feel they're lacking in some way, who want to get to know potential partners on a deeper level, rather than just buying the outer package. Take one last look. Internet dating as we know it is through. It's been invaded by....

The beautiful people, the beautiful people...thud da da da dum....the beautiful people the beautiful people...

There is a new website,, a "networking" site (in other words, a glorified dating service) that only grants memberships to those who the other members deem attractive enough. Isn't this the whole reason people have embraced the Internet as a viable romantic avenue? Because they got tired of being judged on appearances by superficial jackasses? It's like the beautiful ones are pointing their perfectly manicured fingers at the non-models of the world and snickering, "Ha ha nerds, you can't have your little nerd paradise...we're coming in."

Personally, I despise all dating services. They're just not my bag. But if some people like them and have found success with them, more power to them. And contrary to popular belief, not all people who use dating sites are unattractive. There are a variety of reasons for turning to e-love. However, if there is an outrageously good-looking person with a profile on one of those sites, generally one of the following applies:

1. That's not his or her real picture
2. He/she is not looking to date. He/she is most likely an aspiring actor or model who just wants to get as much face time as possible.
3. He/she is just horny and thinks that people who use dating sites are desperate and therefore easy.

Trust me on this. I don't use dating services, but I have perused the profiles just to see what's out there. Any very attractive man's description usually goes something like this:
"I need a girl who is sexually adventurous and not afraid to get a little crazy. She has to love the outdoors but not be a tomboy. I'm an outdoorsy guy who loves all sports and I'm very into taking care of my body. I want a woman who takes care of herself too."
Translation: I want a girl who will follow me on my camping trips so we can get it on in the tent. She has to love sex and be up for all my perverted fetishes that drove all my other girlfriends away. And she has to be under 110 pounds, no exceptions.

Let's be real. Traditionally, people blessed with modelesque looks have never really had to struggle to meet people. True, they might not always find Mr. or Ms. Right, but they generally have a larger population to pick from. Attractive people might have problems too, but getting dates isn't one of them. So, why create a site exclusively for gorgeous faces?

I'm guessing that the beautiful people feel like they shouldn't have to be subjected to any more dates with anyone who's not within their realm of hotness. It's just not fair! Of course, it needs to be said that people who would join this site aren't aren't just simply stunning. There are plenty of beautiful people out there who have their heads on straight. No, these are the stereotypical "the world belongs to me because I look good" brainless sacs of excrement that give all hotties a bad name.

I tried accessing the site through my regular browser, Mozilla, and got an error message that the page can only be viewed with IE. Uh huh. It starts already. Mozilla is IE's uglier, less popular cousin. It can't go play with the beautiful people. Fine. So, I broke out IE for the occasion because I really needed to see this fantastic site. The first thing I wanted to know was how much the service costs. Gee, a full year of sexiness is only $260.00. To be fair, I guess that's not really too horrible, considering eHarmony's yearly subscription costs about the same. It might be about $20 less, but with them you never know when an unattractive person might show up. Think of the extra $20 as hottie insurance.

The biggest catch is the application fee. It's $10 just to make a bid for the site, and that's non-refundable. So, if the Supremely Sexy Court decides that someone is not quite fine enough for their site, how do they soften the blow of the ugly ruling? They also take the reject's money. Those beautiful, evil geniuses.

After browsing the site as far as my mojo could take me (which was pretty much nowhere) I am quite sure that all of these people will be very happy together in their vacant, gorgeous orgy. I really have no snazzy ending paragraph here, no life lesson to be imparted, no great conclusion. It's just a damn website full of people who are full of themselves. So, in lieu of any Jerry Springer-style "final thought", I'll just let a couple of these vapid mannequins say hello to all you norms out there.

"Duke BD Cheer" - "Like, I'm a fricking cheerleader, bitches! All you whores know you're jealous of my gorgeous blondittitty. It ain't my fault your boyfriends would rather get it on with....oh shit, look at this! There's still some coke under my fingernail! Tee hee hee...'scuse me...gotta run to the little girls room."

"Richie Rich" - "Ha ha ha ha...look at you people! You're all so ugly! Bow down to my handsomeness! See how bright my teeth are? That's not laser shit, those are real baby! Yeah, I only eat and drink things that are clear or white. In fact, I'm working on inventing an edible hair gel, so I can keep my hair and my teeth both looking gorgeous at all times. See, I'm not just a pretty face! I have a brain too. Ha ha, but so what, dudes? Look at these choppers!"


Lee Ann said...

If you fall for it, sometimes it can be as good as a blind date. You don't know what the actual present is until you unwrap it! Yeah, I am 20 years old, a gymnast that loves doing acrobatic moves especially under the water, and I am brain surgeon...riiiiight ;) surprise!!!!

Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

Ssssh, don't tell anyone, but I [glancing to the right, then left] met my boyfriend [whispering] online. Yeah, okay, I admit it. And we've been together for almost four years! I know marriages that didn't last that long!

Anyway, this was back when chatrooms actually had people chatting in them. Remember those days?

Um, is it just me, or do the examples you showed look like a she-male and a daisy-chain-boi respectively? Thanks, I'll stick to the unbeautiful people.

JC said...

You know, I was trying really hard for a snappy come back here of some sort as this is so deserving of it, but I am blank....and sooooo not a beautiful people and I won't even tell you what I weigh......anyway, I am going to check it out though....gonna hate myself in the morning though as my grandson is here and he will expect me to be human.

BadGod said...

If it was possible to offend me, I would be offended by their website. But, I am not. So cool.

Carl Spackler said...

nice blog. i have yet to do the internet dating thing but both my sisters have and it has worked out for them...atleast so far. i guess you can be whomever you want to be until the time comes when you have to meet face to face.

Kunaxa said...

This is marginally better (to laugh at) than Craigslist!

The Everglades said...

"vapid mannequins"

Please, become a famous writer so I can use you to meet your agent.

I had no clue this beautiful people service existed, but I am naieve.

BeckEye for President,


pia said...

Real story: my best friend's cousin is hunchbacked (right word, right? tired) she met a man in a chat room. They finally met on a TV show and he proposed. Have been married, happilly for five years

Lavinia said...

Online dating eugenics!? What next?

Meeting people via online dating scares me. You never know what you'll get and if you end up in a really twisted situation, you're kind of on your own.

At least with the good ol' friend-plays-cupid blind dates you have someone to blame and hit with your slippers once you get home after a ghastly date.

During a boring class last year myself and 3 friends looked around on a dating site and found my best friend's boyfriend there, complete with his picture and location!

We still don't have the heart to tell her because she's one of those people who think anything done on the PC is nerdy, so heaven forbid she find her man there.

Justin said...

Interesting blog, I liked your presentation of this topic! Are you a journalist? You seem very coherent, and very organized. I'll have to bookmark this blog, to read a few more later on!



Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine