Monday, September 19, 2005

The Heavy Metal Crutch

If you've ever been to a rock concert, or at least seen concert footage on TV, you'll know that there are five things always present at such an event. They are as follows:

1. Lighters
2. Weed (if you don't see it, you can still smell it)
3. Beer
4. "Devil horn" symbols
5. Exposed breasts

There is a sixth object that can usually be found in the audience as well, but it is specially reserved for metal and/or hard rock. The above items are those that, while most prevalent at metal shows, can still be found at just about any musical performance. I've seen clueless guys making the devil-horn sign while jamming out to Steve Miller. I'm sure some weird chick has even gotten wasted and flashed her boobs at a John Tesh concert. It happens. But there is one thing that John Tesh will never share with the hard rockin' bands out there - the heavy metal crutch. (The term "heavy metal crutch" was coined by far as I know. You may use it freely, but only for personal use. Any commercial use of said phrase will result in paying me any money you might inexplicably make from it.)

You've seen it at the Metallica or Motley Crue show. You've seen it immortalized in thousands of metal videos. There's always one. A crutch rising up out of the darkness, waving like the ultimate flag of coolness. Rarely do you see the crutch's rightful owner, but you just know that he (most likely a he) is a serious bad-ass. If you could talk to him, he might say, "Sit out the Whitesnake concert just because I broke my leg in two places? Hell no, man...I ain't no pussy! Rawk 'n rooooooooolll!"

I suppose that leg/ankle injuries are fairly common, so it would stand to reason that at least one or two limpers might be found in such large groups of people. Still, it's rather strange to find a gimp at every show. Many lesser rockers sell their tickets and stay home, faced with the possible pain and inconvenience involved in shuffling through the sea of people, trekking to their seats and finally being crammed in like sardines while fans thrash around and stumble drunkenly about. Not Crutch Man. He will be there. He might even attempt to mosh or start a fight. He rules.

Generally, there is usually only room for one Crutch per show. Occasionally, two such Gods among men will show up at the same concert. Even less frequently, they will run into each other. If this happens, an instant bond of friendship will be sealed between the two. They will be like Mick and Keith or Page and Plant...true rock icons and masters of the universe.

Now, please take out your lighters and pay homage to the Heavy Metal Crutch.

**By the way, thanks to everyone for their input on my new template! I'm rewarding you with this somewhat disjointed, weird post. And no, I wasn't high when I wrote it.


BadGod said...

I once flashed my junk at a Neil Diamond concert!

I was sober. Just really happy!

cmhl said...

I have learned something new.... the crutch...

I went to a metallica concert once under duress.... I am moer of a jimmy buffett kind of a girl.

I did, however, flash the girls at bruce springsteen once. killer. haha.

Mr. Happy said...

I went to many many many rock concerts back in the 80's and I wore my jersey concert shirt the next day to school to prove it. And I too have seen crutch.

You did forget a few of my favs though: High top shoes with the tongue hanging out, lot's of bad hair decisions, camel toe and somebody who can't even stand up by the time the main act comes on.

Lavinia said...

No way? Crutches!?

Those are real rockers.

Brooks said...

those aluminum crutches really catch the spotlight in a beautiful way that my knee brace just can't compare to i don't think.

i like the message it sends to the heavy metal rock act:

"dude, even though i am crippled or partially cripped, i just came here to ROCK."

i was at a little rock show years ago in athens, ga. while my sister was in school there. i had recently had one of my knee surgeries and was wearing my tragic knee brace that looked like something i stole off the set of "Tron".
By the end of the show the knee was hurting and I had to go sit at the bar with it propped up on a stool and this hippy chick walked up to me and shouted out, "Bummer" and then just walked away. Sorry to ramble on so, but I thought my random story related to this post.

Just wave your crutch in the air ... and shake it like you just don't care!

Layla said...

I can't recall the heavy metal crutch but there are several things about the 80's that are fuzzy. I haven't been to a metal show since then. One thing you probably won't see at a metal concert is people using their cell phones instead of their lighters. To me this is so silly, I refuse to particpate and still flash my ligter at such events as Bruce, Tom Petty, Heart and other such non-metal performances.

Speaking of rockers - YOU ROCK with your new look!

Lee Ann said...

Gosh, i just don't know if I could do the concert thing anymore. I went to so many concerts growing up. I saw a lot of good bands (and that was before the prices of tickets went through the roof). I still love music, but hate the crowds. Like the new look of your blog; nice!

pia said...

Don't do stadium concerts anymore, unless I can seats in the very front

Do concerts at the Beacon theater--two blocks from my house--and I always mean to write a post about how I always mean to see the Allman Brothers during their annual ten days in March

Love your new skin

Bonanza Jellybean said...

heehee- There always was one, wasn't there? I never even thoght about that.

The crutch guy at the shows I went to always had short hair too, even while the rest of the crowd had long.

I think they were just using it as a sympathy ploy to pick up the wasted girls at the show.

JC said...

I guess I am boring. I have never been to a metal concert..I have also never flashed breasts at anyone in public. Of course, now that they are hanging low all I would need to do is wear one of those new short tops. Ah well.....I am still hung up on Mick and the motley bunch.

The Everglades said...


That sounds like the wail of a dumb criminal upon seeing a super hero tracking them down.

I agree with this phenomenon as I've seen crutch rockers even at a Dave Matthew's concert, trying to balance and smoke dope at the same time.



Johnny Retail said...

Awesome! The heavy metal crutch. I think the only thing that would beat that would be a wooden leg with AC/DC carved in it.


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