Monday, September 26, 2005

Jackholes Are The New Black

My mind can never seem to wrap around how, judging by the various pre-awards shows and other celebrations of rich people in tight clothing, the most annoying, unattractive and haphazardly-dressed people have become the most trusted fashion critics. First of all, do we really need anyone to tell us who looks good and who doesn't? Isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? And aren't the fashions that are to one or the other extreme on the "normal" scale pretty simple to judge ourselves? Does it really take some hag screaming in our faces for us to grasp that the dress Uma Thurman wore to the 2004 Oscars was a Bavarian hoochie-mama nightmare? I think we've got it.

The aforementioned hag, as you all may have guessed by now, is none other than the oldest woman in show business, Joan Rivers. It's unbelievable to me that a network like E!, known for its plastic bobble-head reporters like Todd Newton, Steve Kmetko and Jules Asner, would hire this botoxed nutbag as a fashion/beauty correspondent. It might be mildly humorous if she went the Don Rickles route and just skewered everyone walking down the red carpet, but she actually expects us to take her seriously. When was she ever known for her style? I guess she just got bored one day in between skin-stretching sessions and decided she wanted to be a fashionista rather than a comedienne. Since she's already famous, she pretty much gets to do whatever she wants. And we're all just supposed to pretend like she's really some fashion authority? Get real. Then, as if she isn't bad enough by herself, she has to get her daughter involved. Now, Melissa Rivers has a pretty decent figure, cleans up well and isn't too bad looking. But, she is so whiny and boring that most people can't tolerate her for more than two minutes. I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up taking over the title role of The Nanny, if the TV Gods ever feel evil enough to reprise that show. I'm sorry, but when I start taking fashion advice from these two broads, it'll be to decide on an outfit for the Christmas Ball at the asylum.

Next up for inspection is Stephen Cojocaru, who has been dubbed "Cojo". Hmm, I guess if you showup at the Oscars dressed badly, he'll foam at the mouth and stalk around your limo, raving and barking like a maniac. Cameron Diaz, you have been warned. I really don't know what to say about this guy. Where the hell did he come from? If I had to take a wild guess, I'd say he was the product of one long-ago drunken night shared between Tom Petty and Martina Navratilova. I try not to dwell on that thought for too long though.

I probably shouldn't be this surprised that these types of people are given high-profile jobs in the fashion industry. Look at a good majority of famous fashion designers. Moron-chic never seems to go out of style with them. Case in point, Betsey Johnson. She looks like the fallout from an explosion involving Tammy Faye's makeup bag and Cyndi Lauper's closet. What normal person could get away with looking like that and not be mocked on a daily basis?

Then there are those who work in fashion, but one can never really be sure exactly what it is they do. All we know is that they make a hell of a lot more money than most of us. Take for example, Nole Marin, best known as one of the judges on America's Next Top Model. What does he do? I read his profile and I'm still not totally clear. He's a fashion "stylist"...which, to me, means that he probably gets paid to stand in a dressing room with B-list models and actresses making disapproving faces and barking orders at store clerks, all while while holding his yapping dog in one hand and a martini in the other. The guy looks like a member of the Lollipop Guild, but with better shoes. Who, in their right mind, would take anything he said to heart?

Whatever happened to non-descript,"quiet" style reporters like Mr. Blackwell? A lot of people didn't like him (namely Cher), but he really only popped his head out into the spotlight for a big event like the Oscars or the Golden Globes to see what everyone was wearing, and then issued simple top 10 lists of the best and worst dressed celebs. He's still around, but big-mouths like Cojo have pretty much muzzled him. He's just not loud and obnoxious enough to hold the spotlight. Not that he is the epitome of all that is fashionable either, but at least he never gave me a headache. Just thinking about the Two-Headed Rivers Beast has me reaching for the Tylenol.


The Everglades said...

Joan Rivers always does a good job of covering up that chicken neck of hers with some gaudy necklace. I bet she looks like a hideous ghoul when she gets out of the shower.


'Thought & Humor' said...

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'Thought & Humor'

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Doggie Extraordinaire's Mom said...

I think of Joan Rivers as an old, dead woman being animated and moved about, inspired by Weekend At Bernie's. Surely that woman isn't a living, breating human! No offense to dead people.

The fashion critics know ugly better than anyone. It's their tragic existence.

Wow, did that come across as really mean? See what dead, ugly old women do to me?

Kate said...

Someone who writes for Television Without Pity stated once that since Nole was not recognized in that person's computer's spell-check, that person was going to instead call Nole Marin "Flambe." I thought that was pretty funny.

m00nsh1ne said...

I wonder if the "stars" ever get tired of all the costume parties they have to attend. I am surprised you didn't include the always annoying Star Jones in your list! I saw her first E! red carpet show and I literally wanted to cram a sharpened pencil in each ear. She kept saying "OooOooh! There's [insert random 'star' here]!!! I want to go make out with him/her! Ooh! Don't you look FAB-u-lous" and so on. It was like a broken record! Where did she come from anyway??

Ruben said...

God! Did you see Joan Rivers face? Her face is tighter than security at the White house. No more plastic surgery! No more plastic surgery.

Anonymous said...

These people need to realize that plastic surgery IS NOT THE ANSWER!

Mr. Happy said...

What I have a hard time understanding is when the pot calls the kettle black. Joan Rivers is a hag and she shouldn't be dissing anybody's style, except maybe Bjork's swan dress.

Lee Ann said...

I think Joan Rivers is washed least she should be!
Some of these people that claim to be "experts"...yuck! Just look at them. Do they really have good judgement?

Bonanza Jellybean said...

they always kill me because they're nothing but ass-kissers without any real talent of their own. I mean, is standing with a microphone and asking "Who are you wearing?" a contribution? NO.

FU said...

Joan Rivers is hideous... her voice makes the hair on back of my neck stand up.. but i must admit.. watcing her insult ppl is funny.

i once saw her sell some sort of anti-aging stuff on television - but i couldnt help but wonder if it only works if ur at the plastic surgeon every other week.

but that COJO guy? oh my.. i don't think i'd ever want to smack anyone so badly... he is boy who WISHES he was a woman so he could wear all the clothes he talks about... and UR RIGHT ON ABOUT TOM PETTY AND MARTINA... very clever - tho i do think michal jackson was in bed with them that nite too!!!

wear what u want ppl! sweat pants and t shirts and flip flops rock.

Bar Bar A said...

I know I say this all the time...but you KILL ME, this is another killer post.

Cojo...ha ha,

drama mama said...

What about Star Jones??? E's new fashionista?? I can hardly stand her. And she looks weird since she lost all that weight.

JC said...

I am so with you on this one, I love Joan when she is trying to be funny, but wouldn't take her fashion advice to heart. As far as melissa, well, melissa who? I just think that the whole fashion thing is odd. If you watch an actual show, the garments look a lot more like Halloween costumes. Like who would really wear that? I can see myself trying to get something done in one of those getups. Right! Great read.

Teri said...

"First of all, do we really need anyone to tell us who looks good and who doesn't?" I don't kow about you, but clearly some of the celebs have a little trouble in this department!

Dave said...

I don't get why Joan Rivers is a fashion critic... she wears the most hideous stuff.

Shelly said...

You should check out Go Fug Yourself ( They make fun of all the ridiculous things that celebrities wear.


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