You Give Girls A Bad Name

Is it just me, or is the ratio of annoying female celebrities to annoying male celebrities something like 75:1? I don't want to sound catty or like a traitor to my gender, but if I do sound that way, so be it. Some of these broads just need to be smacked, plain and simple. And no, I'm not jealous. I'm nauseous.

I guess I should preface this by saying that I am not a girly-girl. Never have been. I don't have a gaggle of gal-pals. I've never been in a sorority. When I'm at a bar or restaurant, I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself. I don't like shopping or talking on the phone. When I bump into a girlfriend who I haven't seen for a whole week, I don't feel the need to shriek like a Banshee and hug the snot out of her as if she had just returned from the dead. I don't get manicures. And I don't put on the quasi-lesbian act on the dance floor with my friends to get male attention. (Ok, well I have done that a few times, but only when I was tipsy and fully aware that it was being done satirically.)

I've always been a "guy's girl". I watch football and don't need a glass for my beer. I love darts and pool. I'm not easily offended, and don't have a problem with bodily functions. I'm not a cryer. Most importantly, if I'm pissed off, I'll tell you why rather than make you guess. This all must come from having a dominantly male influence in my family. I've always gotten along better with men, and I have a laundry list of fellas who think I'm a "cool girl" but don't think of me in that way to prove it. Yeah, it's not always fun being the guy's girl, but I wouldn't give it up to be Little Miss High Maintenance.

But enough about me. Let's get back to the girly celebs who are currently making it hard to be a woman these days. (Don't worry, I'll pick on some men soon enough.)

Sssup babee? Yama zazzle blop!
Anna Nicole Smith - Anna is still looking for her cut of her dead husband's riches. The Blonde Dumb-Shell appealed the original ruling, which left her with nothing, and somehow managed to get the Supreme Court to hear her case. I'm guessing it has something to do with all the male Supreme Court judges being as old as dirt and hoping for a chance to hop into bed with her themselves? Or is the J-crew really that bored and just trying to liven up their daily grind? I hear that Anna plans to defend herself in the case. Apparently her opening and closing arguments will consist of unintelligible drivel, and the middle part will just be a lot of posing and catchphrases like, "D'ya like my body?". And if the case doesn't seem to be going her way, one of her boobs might "accidentally" fall out of her top. With 7 men and 2 women ruling, she may very well walk away a winner with that strategy.


Ohhh umm yesss, special sauce...
Paris Hilton - This chick has been on my nerves since the first time I saw her vacant visage. I used to think Mariah Carey was the most annoying woman on the planet, but Paris nearly knocked her completely off my radar. If you blinked, you might not be aware that she recently became engaged. Blink again? Ok, she's not anymore. Sounding a lot like Renee Zellweger, Paris issued a statement about the break-up in which she said, "I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time". I'd find it a lot easier to respect her privacy if she wasn't constantly sticking that dolphin nose of hers into every camera within a 50 yard radius. Anyway, Miss Thang thought she found the love of her life in Paris Latsis, a young man who is the son of Greek shipping tycoon, John Latsis. Unfortunately it was not to be. Paris soon realized that just because her beau shared her first name, dumb blonde looks and life of privilege, he couldn't quite compare to the real love of her life - herself. She will soon be following in Anna Nicole's footsteps and heading to the Supreme Court. Her goal is to get self-marriage legalized.


Me hungry. Me want burger too!
Lindsay Lohan - It's such a shame. I really used to like this girl. Now she just aggravates me. However, at a recent intervention where she was made to walk through a Hall of Mirrors, she finally admitted that she was too thin. She's decided that she wants to be a role model to young girls by telling them that they need to take better care of themselves than she did and be proud of their bodies. And what better way to teach the young people about self-acceptance than posing nude! Yes, Lindsay has decided to grin and bare it for Vanity Fair, just like pal Paris Hilton did. According to the linked story, Hilton's recent mag cover, where she appeared naked from the waist up with her arms strategically placed over the Hilton towers,"inspired Lindsay to push the envelope even further." I think it's great that Paris is leading by example. Now if only she would go jump off a bridge.


Oh, my nose! Oh, my nose!
Jennifer Garner - I'm not an Alias fan and I have never seen what the big fascination with this girl is. I don't dislike her as much as the 3 goofs listed above, but her recent "slip-up" just had me shaking my head in half apathy, half irritation. When Garner recently appeared as a guest on The Tonight Show, she refused to answer Jay Leno's questions regarding the sex of her unborn baby. However, at one point in their conversation Jennifer referred to the baby as "she", followed by a overdramatic "oops" moment where she slapped both hands over her mouth and then laughed. Cue the "mwah-mwah-mwah" music and laugh track. Oh, Jennifer you silly! You let the cat out of the bag! Then she continued on by saying, Oops, I didn't mean to say "she". But that doesn't mean we're having a boy either. What I mean to say is that my baby is definitely a girl. What? No, wait! That's not what I meant to say! I meant that we don't know yet what she is. Woops! I said it again! Ha ha. I hope no one's watching. Ben and I really wanted to keep this secret. Just in case, could you please have one of your assistants call all the major newspapers and magazines and tell them that I'm having a girl? Aaah!! Tee-hee! No, no, I mean, call them and tell them that it could be a girl. Or not. But maybe. *Cough*And we're registered at Baby Armani.*Cough*


Uh huhuh, my butt crack can act too.
Tara Reid - I'm not quite sure how Tara became famous. You can find a thousand girls just like her on any given college campus, spring break destination or overpriced, crowded nightclub. Now the poor thing is complaining that the media has portrayed her in a bad light. She wants the public to see her as a great actress instead of the consummate party girl. Hmm. So, she's really a good girl and master thespian? You mean the paparazzi has somehow staged all of her half-naked, half-baked shenanigans? Those evil geniuses! Apparently she's never heard the phrase, "the camera doesn't lie". I guess she'll blame film directors next for portraying her as a bad actress. She's still fuming that they cut her soliloquy on fellatio from American Pie. I hear it was very Lady MacBeth. Is this a penis I see before me?....

Here's to being annyoing! Woo-hoo!