Monday, March 06, 2006

Oscars, Shmoscars

This being a pop culture blog, I imagine I'm required to post something about the Academy Awards. Wonderful. I didn't watch the whole show and I haven't seen too many of the nominated movies, so I obviously don't have much to say. I guess I'll have to pull a Joan Rivers and talk about what people were wearing, just for the sake of having an Oscar-related entry. (Thanks to Yahoo! for the great pics...they have tons more in their special Academy Awards section.)

Hottest Chick of the Night: Uma Thurman. Now, I've never thought she was as beautiful as the media makes her out to be and she's worn some pretty atrocious dresses in the past, but holy moly, she looked awesome! That dress was gorgeous and her hair looked fantastic. Great makeup job too. She looked like she belonged up on Mt. Olympus. Eat your heart out, Ethan Hawke!!

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: Jessica Alba. Make room on the Mount, Uma. Both of these women are just lucky that Catherine Zeta-Jones wasn't there. She wasn't, was she? Please don't tell me that I missed her!

Hottest Guy of the Night: Matt Dillon. Strange, I was never a huge Dillon lover back in his heyday. Girls were gaga over him back around the time of The Outsiders and I never could see the attraction. But he's another guy who's proving that men age remarkably well. Every time the camera panned to him in the audience, I kept thinking, damn he looks good.

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: John Travolta. No surprise there, right? Look how nicely his tie matches the giant Oscar behind him. I didn't make him #1 because I don't like his haircut. Whoever cut it should be smacked. It's way too close, making his head look much too round. I should know - I have a big old pumpkin head myself.

Best Hair of the Night: Russell Crowe. My best friend was a bit put off by the curly-Q but I loved it. Say whatever you want about Russell, he's a hell of an actor (Cinderella Man was one of the few nominated movies I saw) and he's totally hot. A tough guy with hair like that....he looks like he should be one of the T-Birds. He appeals to my inner Pink Lady.

Coolest Chick of the Night: Dolly Parton. She's adorable. You gotta love her just for being able to walk upright.

Best Reason for Better Security: Who the hell let Gary Busey in? Even he looks confused as to why he's there.

Best Impression of a Casket Lining: Jennifer Lopez. Apparently this was from the Lily Munster collection. At least it wasn't white...that would've been really creepy.

Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping: Michelle Williams. Ick - mustard! Oddly enough, the color went really well with her skin tone but it's still a disgusting shade. Maybe it's just because I hate mustard.

Best Pimps: I almost picked Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson, but Three 6 Mafia narrowly edged them out. Those old, white pimps just don't have it as hard out there.

Worst Waste of Talent: Will Ferrell and Steve Carell. These are two of the funniest guys on the planet right now, but that "makeup" skit was pretty lame. Couldn't the writers have given them something better to do? If they came up with that themselves, I'm pretty disappointed. The visual was amusing, but only for about 10 seconds. Remember when Ferrell and Jack Black sang the "unknown lyrics" to the "wrap up your speech music" last year? Now, THAT was hilarious.

Worst Dressed: Charlize Theron. You may ask yourself, why such a big dress? Really, she looked like an extra from the Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime" video.

And finally, the "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award goes to....Lisa Rinna.


FreeThinker said...

Uma ... Oprah ... Uma ... Oh!

LoraLoo said...

Uma did look absolutely beautiful last night. As much as I dislike Jennifer Lopez (cack), I must say I actually loved her dress.

Bar Bar A said...

I didn't watch the show but am glad to see the most important part of it here. Matt Dillon. mmmmmmmmm I've always loved him.

Lee Ann said...

Good calls on all of those!
I agree with bar bar a....mmmmm....Matt Dillon!

Teri said...

If Russell Crowe wasn't such a big-ol'-cell-phone-flinging-bar-fight-having jerk, I'd have a big ol'crush on him.. (I like the hair.)

And you were right on Uma.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Mustard? Does that make Heath a hot dog?

Naw, the biggest pimp was Jack because he allegedly flustered Keira simply by not paying attention to her.

Brooks said...

Thanks Beckeye for recapping the event. Call it mid-life ADD, but I can no longer sit through those four hour award ceremonies without serious and constant sedation. Also, I found Jon Stewart's monologue a little forced because I love and depend on "The Daily Show" so much, it was a little painful.
I think you summed it up well. Uma was stunning. Michelle Williams was very mustardesque, J.Lo had a major WTF moment and I have always thought the exact same thing about Lisa Rinna -- the human mannequin.

Les Becker said...

I don't "do" the Oscars, sorry. The only thing that will change my mind on that is when they nominate me. Hey, it could happen. Eventually.


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