Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Mission Impossible to Ignore: Spawn of TomKat - Thank God, now reporters can stop yammering on about the pregnancy and silent birth and jump right into discussion of the requisite unconventional baby name (Suri), whether or not Katie will ironically suffer post-partum depression and wondering if the whole family will jump in the nearest spaceship and head off to L. Ron-Land. Whatever. My favorite snippet of the linked story is this: "Details about the birth weren't disclosed, but it had been planned to take place as a silent procedure under the tenants of the Church of Scientology." It had been planned. Yeah, in other words, Katie screamed bloody murder and threatened to knock Tom's perfect teeth down his throat if he said a damn word about it. Actually, other accounts hint that it may have been an easy delivery since Katie was back home less than 24 hours after giving birth. I think Tom probably jumped up and down on Katie's tummy yelling, "I love this baby...I love this baby!" until she just popped right out. Easy peasy.

Even Lesbian Couples Are Having Babies - Melissa Etheridge and her woman, Tammy Lynn Michaels, are the latest celebs to catch baby fever. Tammy is preggers and is due this fall. The proud father? Graham Nash. It was his turn. You should probably read the article though...I may be making that up.

Womb Raider: Spawn of Brangelina - Oh yeah, these bozos are expecting too. I keep forgetting. I have a feeling that Brad and Ang will have a girl, just like Tom and Katie. I imagine that Baby Cruise and Baby Pitt will grow up very differently, yet when they are of age they will become best friends and enjoy ridiculously pampered lives as quasi-celebrities, often starring in reality shows or bad horror movies. Let's call them the future Paris and Nicole.

Paris Hilton Sings Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner - Speak of the devil and she appears. Well, "appears" probably isn't the right word. That implies that she ever disappeared, which she unfortunately has not. This link will take you to the You Tube video of her most recent "performance." It really must be seen and heard to be believed. And if I had to witness this mess, then you all have to too. Is she trying to be sexy? Is she trying to channel Marilyn Monroe? Is she trying out for American Idol? Is she hitting actual notes? Does she just have gas? It's so hard to tell.

Nick Lachey Needs a Woman - Uh, at least that's how I interpreted this Rolling Stone article. I admit that I have serious issues with RS, but several points in this article made me laugh out loud, most notably the description of Joe Simpson as "a former Baptist minister turned relentless pimp for his two vocally challenged girls." Oh, that's classic. Anyway, the basic point behind this article is that Nick is a good guy who got dumped by his more famous, less talented, not-really-that-dumb bimbo of a wife. If people already dislike the tone-deaf Proactive shill, this article will do nothing to change their minds. And Nick, as always, comes off beautifully. I keep hearing that he's hooking up with other blonde bimbos but he says it's not true. I've never been a fan of 98 Degrees or his brand of pretty boy lite-pop, but I certainly wouldn't kick him out of my bed for eating chicken of the sea on crackers. Nick, if you're interested in trying out a reasonably smart brunette while you're in this transitional phase, I'm game.

Eye Boogers are All the Rage - So, this isn't really a pop culture phenomenon but I've noticed a steady pattern in my Stat Counter of people finding me while looking for info on "eye boogers". And these aren't just people who are wanting to know where they come from, these are evidently people with serious conditions! I'm finding a lot of searches for "lots of eye boogers coming out," "eye boogers won't go away," "how to get rid of eye boogers", "eye boogers all day long," and my personal favorite, "eye boogers - why?". I'm sorry I can't help you poor, poor folks. I just write about figurative eye boogers, not literal ones. But I would suggest seeing a doctor. Or watch that video of Paris Hilton singing a few times and you'll pray for eye boogers to completely cloud your vision forever.


Lee Ann said...

Yes the little redrose princess has arrived.
I would have liked to be a fly on the wall at delivery time (or at least a fly on the wall outside their door).
Wow, I wasn't aware that Melissa and Tammy are having a baby...hmmm!
How much longer for the Brange baby to arrive? I hear he just got his first tattoo! Well, what should we expect now!

Anonymous said...

How could you have possibly missed another HUGE irony?? Brooke Sheilds gave birth the same day as TomKat!! So let's wait and see if Suri gets to be friends with baby Brooke!

Any thoughts?

Angela :)

mere said...

great blog! i'm glad we can all agree on the high strangeness that is the TomKat/Tomkitten trio.

BeckEye said...

Ang - I didn't miss it, just didn't think it was all that compelling. I initially thought of that really stupid Sela Ward movie, "Child of Darkness, Child of Light" about the messiah and the anti-christ being born on the same day, yadda yadda...but Brooke Shields isn't exactly the Virgin Mary and I think even the devil would find Tom Cruise much too annoying to raise his demon-child - and there's too big a risk that the kid would convert to Scientology, screwing up his whole evil plan.

Anonymous said...

Ok as long as you didn't miss it. :)


Teri said...

I'm totally gonna google "eye boogers" like 50 times to mess with your stats. okay, just kidding.

As usual, you totally crack me up!

LoraLoo said...

I saw a bit of Paris' serenade to Hefner. Yuck. She's even less talented than Britney Spears. I'm also very glad the press will find something else to talk about other than the impending birth of Tomkat's baby!

Writeprocrastinator said...

I heard that Brooke's baby and Tsuris, I mean "Suri" were born on the same floor and wing, no less.

What was that quote from Bloom County? "Eye boogers, the great social equalizer.

Happy Villain said...

I can't help but wonder if Scientologists believe in silent conception too.

Why-oh-why can't Tom Cruise be the silent one for a bit? That might be a nice change.

So, was the movie Bowfinger about him, you think? Who'd have thought Eddie Murphy would play Cruise in a move about his life?

Alice said...

ha.... those article titles of yours are fabulous! womb raider MI to ignore? AHAHAHAHAHA.

except for the fact that i don't hate Katie with the blind, unadulterated passion with which i hate tom, i'd wish she DID get PPD just to fuck with tom's happy little tenets of scientology. b/c she might rip his teeth out after he told her to take vitamin A for the 8th time.

Sangroncito said...

And I thought Tom Kat was going to have a litter!

Ashish said...

ah damn, that's what I came here in the heck are you optimized on google for a search on eyeboogers anyways?!


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