Monday, April 10, 2006

The Kevin Who Makes Me Miss Kevin Covais

I thought I could get through life without a post about Kevin Federline. (The Poo Poo Yow video doesn't count as a post.) I was wrong. I thought if I ignored him, he would go away. So much for what one woman can do. Fine. I can't fight it anymore. The guy is much too big of a jackass to not talk about.

So, it seems that Mr. Spears is in big trouble with Thomas Dolby. Following in the footsteps of the Godfather of Soulless White-Boy Rap, Vanilla Ice, K-Fed has decided to jack someone else's music without permission. Here is what Dolby had to say on his website:

"Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline, whom I’d never heard of until a few days ago, appears to have illegally sampled one of my compositions. On his MySpace site you can download an MP3 which uses a looped sample from Mobb Deep’s ‘Get It Twisted’, which in turn copped the string line from my own song ‘She Blinded Me With Science.’ Now, Mobb Deep did it the right way and had his label BMG come and ask for a license. They paid me a fee and a royalty on the sales of Mobb Deep’s record. However K-Fed, as his fans affectionately refer to him, did NOT ask permission, he just went ahead and did it. He is therefore blatantly violating the copyright law. And laws aside, he owed it to me as an artist to ask if I minded that he recorded a vitriolic rap over the top of my music. It starts off ‘This is for the HATERS...’ and goes on to blast the media, paparrazzi and all his other critics, sparing no expletives along the way. BMG Records have also had their copyright violated, as they own the master to Mobb Deep’s record. But BMG don’t want to rock the Britney boat so they are turning a blind eye. It’s pathetic! Turns out K-Fed has no management, label or lawyer, so it’s going to be hard getting hold of him. So K-Fed, if you’re reading this, I’m asking you nicely to take the track down ASAP. Or maybe you’d prefer me to come after some of your wife’s ill-gotten gains?"

Oooooh.....burn! He blinded you with copyright law, foo! And dissed your baby's momma while he was at it. Get used to that.

Just a few things:

1. Speaking of "poetry in motion"....has anyone heard the song in question? He must've taken it down already. I checked his MySpace site and it's gone, but luckily there is another song for everyone's enjoyment. It's called "America's Most Hated," and is basically a narcissistic romp through K-Fed's life, now that he's embraced being the black sheep of the music business. Instead of putting some effort into actually finding some talent and making something worthwhile, he's just decided to use the fact that he's a hack as a gimmick. He seems awfully proud that while other artists are out there working their asses off, hoping for a break, all he had to do was knock some bimbo up and *poof* instant celebrity. Too bad his rhymes aren't as potent as his sperm. Quite simply, the boy can't rap. Apparently he thinks that all he needs to do is repeat his name a lot, swear and make lame-ass chit-chat in between verses about how he likes to get drunk. Screw any kind of storyline. I mean, the guy rhymed Federline with Pepperdine. If it's that easy, hell, I'll write a song for him.

I met a ho named Britney
We got down in a jitney
She got up on me like she was climbing up Mount Whitney

Nine months later
She popped out a tater
My boy ain't gonna grow up to be no playa hater

Yo, they call me Mister Spears
On Christmas and New Year's
I like to go to the Tangiers and movie premieres
I ain't wet behind the ears and yo, I buy all my clothes from Sears's as good as anything as he could slap together.

2. I love that this human waste in low-slung jeans wrote a song for "all the haters." The majority of the music-listening public must be wrong, right? K-Fed really is a blinding ray of talent and we're just all haters. Or maybe the song isn't really directed at us. Maybe it's a love song, dedicated to his fans...the haters of good music. That makes sense.

3. K-Fed has no manager, label or lawyer? Get out!! Man, I thought all the big-wigs would be chomping at the bit to sign him up. I wonder if he has a publicist? Could I be so lucky as to land him as a client? My life would finally have meaning.

Quick! What rhymes with "sperminator"?


Lee Ann said...

I love this post! I agree agree agree with you 100%.
He proves on a daily basis what a joke he and his trashy bride are.
I think your new lyrics could be a huge hit for him. You better watch it though, if he sees it, he may put it to someone elses tunes.
Funny how they are so impressed with themselves that they arrived at the last "gig" in separate SUVs with bodyguards for each of them. Seriously now! I am waaaay over her and he has not even gotten to the level for anyone to be over him yet.

Writeprocrastinator said...


"Nine months later
She popped out a tater"

Hell, you rap better than eighty-five percent of people with record contracts and 100,000 times better than Madonna.

"Quick! What rhymes with sperminator?"

Um, aural masturbator?

Happy Villain said...

Would someone please just put him on "Surreal Life" so we can laugh at his ass daily and then be done with him forever? PLEASE!

LoraLoo said...

Bad move to embrace being the black sheep of rap. I see that as no sales. Do you think he'll keep making albums after this one tanks (it has to be selling close to nothing, right?)

Their union is a train wreck waiting to happen. I sure hope she signed a prenup. Oh, wait.. he'll have sucked her dry by then.

Heather said...

He just makes me want to vomit.
I think I'll get right on it.
Purge a little here, yak a little there
Why does he think any of us care?

Masha said...

on it reports that little Sean Preston was dropped on his head today (no joke)...*sigh* that poor poor child

Neo said...

Becky - Try "Masterbator."


Hey it works right?

I mean what a lamer. Rip off another artist to drop his lame ass name out there. You won't even hear his name a year from now.

Crash and burn baby!

Peace & Hugs,

- Neo


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