Monday, August 21, 2006

Brit Sure Knows How To Pick 'Em

If you're a single woman out on the prowl for Mr. Right, I think Britney Spears would be a fantastic person to take along on your man-hunts. It would be such a great way to weed out the losers and supremely revolting specimens. You could be assured that any man she would approve of is not worth a second glance.

Let's look at the obvious - current hubby, K-Fed. We all know he's nothing but a white-trash sperm bank. I guess that would make him a sperm trailer. So, ok fine. Let him laze around Britney's house all day in his wife beater, waiting for her to ovulate. She doesn't seem to mind, so why should I? I don't. But why couldn't he just be happy riding the gravy train? Why did he have to inflict his "music" on us all?

I know I shouldn't have, especially after seeing those online clips of him in the recording studio, but I stopped flipping through the dial the other night when I saw that he was going to be performing on the Teen Choice Awards. I do have a limit, so I only got through about 30 seconds of it. Why did I even stop to begin with? What was I expecting? I should know not to even expect comic relief from that numbskull. I guess it was the old car wreck theory. You can't look away...until you see a real casualty. That's K-Fed. The bloody, mangled corpse on the freeway of funk. But it's his own fault, really. He had no business being out there on that road. I think even Vanilla Ice would agree with me on this one.

Then we have Brit's former flame, Justin Timberlake. I actually used to kind of like Justin. I enjoyed the occasional 'N Sync tune, and I liked the song where he rocked Janet's booby, er, body. He used to be a bit goofy, which I found endearing. I don't know what happened to him, but suddenly he's a gigantic tool. He's been trying waaaay too hard to shed the former teen idol image. Oooooh, he's done drugs. Oooooh, he's wearing skull caps. Ooooh, he drops some F-bombs in his new song. Ooooh, he's dating Cameron Diaz. Yeah, come on, you know it takes one hell of a tough man to put up with her.

He says he's bringing Sexy back. Evidently, Justin's idea of Sexy is a song that's more monotonous than 50 Cent's "In Da Club," if such a thing is even possible. I have news for you, T-Lake. Sexy never went away. Even if it did, I don't think you're qualified to bring it back. And, Justin, you are NOT Prince. The Purple One is out there working up a black sweat and you just have plain old white B.O.

And when lyrical vomit isn't coming out of his mouth, he's talking himself into a giant hole. He recently trashed American Idol winner, Taylor Hicks, saying, "he can't carry a tune in a bucket." He continued, "I have a strange relationship with that show...I despise it, and yet I'm completely fascinated." Awwwww, look. Isn't that cute? Justin is trying to jump on the "legitmate artist" bandwagon by decrying AI. Somehow, the idea of someone like Justin - an overhyped, image-conscious, Mickey Mouse-loving product of Boy Band Industries, Inc. - belittling a show like American Idol does not compute. Maybe he's still pissed that he never won the big prize on Star Search as a kid. Maybe he has a bad association with Taylor Hicks. Maybe Taylor's gray head of hair reminds him of Ed McMahon. Who knows.

I just wish that Britney's boys could be more like her first husband, Jason Alexander. He had his 15 minutes of fame as Brit's boy-toy and is now content to live out of the spotlight, only popping up as an occasional punch line or an answer to a Trivial Pursuit question. She should've hung on to him.


LoraLoo said...

I saw the tail end of K-Fed's performance, and whoever told him he has talent needs a labotomy.

I hadn't really pondered why Justin Timberlake's been acting like an ass clown lately - but I think you're on to something.

Happy Villain said...

Ah, Beck, I sure missed your posts! This one was genius. Do you remember the good ol' days when Brit reminded us of a modern version of Debbie Gibson, with some spunk and sex appeal? Now, everything that girl touches turns to trash. How sad.

Yet she makes a great anti-hero and is the antithesis of what we want for ourselves and our daughters. I guess we can thank her for that. Thank her with an open-handed slap across the face.

Metal Mark said...

I like the part you wrote about Prince the best.

BarBarA said...

I'VE MISSED YOU! i SWEAR TO GOD I thought of you this morning and then there you were commenting on Lora's blog - it was a Twilight Zone moment!

Excellent post as always...You are so about K-Fed and T-Lake!

Start posting more often, will ya???!!!

Les Becker said...

"The Purple One is out there working up a black sweat and you just have plain old white B.O."

Yup. You're back! LOL!

Lee Ann said...

I totally agree, Britney's choice in men is not good. I saw Kfed perform on the teen choice awards the other night. He is ridiculous!

Heather said...

I try to avoid all of them as much as possible. I heard I had missed the performance and I just thought "Thank you Jesus".

Masha said...

I'm glad you're back! I missed your posts...I hope Sean P. and the other little one go to Harvard or Yale and completely distance themselves from their crazy parents

BadGod said...

I would still fuck Britney.

I might even let you watch....maybe.

pia said...

Welcome back! Have been looking for you :-)

Congrats on the new job

Writeprocrastinator said...

I can't blame K-Fed in this instance. There's 500,000 no-talents (like myself at the age and I'm still no better as a singer or a rapper) every year that would love to bypass the whole system nor have to deal with a band. Because they don't want fight over which musical direction the band is going.

No, I blame the record companies, then they get pissed off when geezers like me won't buy anything recorded after 1997 and everybody under thirty illegally downloads.

I'll admit I'm curious to hear just how bad he can get, but fortunately I've been busy or out of the room, every time he comes on TV.

Once again, you've braved a fate worse than death so that we, your audience, could stay informed.

Brooks said...

justin is such a cupcake. i only saw one episode of "punk'd" but it was the episode where aston and co. pretend to be the feds taking over all of timberlake's property and cars. at first he is trying to maintain his "dope" white boy facade, but after the pseudo reality of the moment sets in he is crying and calling his mommy for backup.

Kate said...

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Weolcome back! I'd been checking back day after day and nothing doing on here, and now it looks like I have to catch up on a month of posts! I actually like the SexyBack song -- it's kind of a brain leecher but hell, I grudgingly like it.


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