Saturday, December 02, 2006

Duff, Please Pistol-Whip This Guy with your Velvet Revolver

I was a huge fan of Guns N’ Roses back in the day, and I still think that Appetite for Destruction is one of the best rock albums of all time. I totally loved Axl Rose, and thought that he was actually probably a sweet guy underneath that skinny tough-guy exterior. (I didn't always have the best judgment when it came to men.) I may have had a bit of a crush on him at one point. I even dressed up as him one year for Halloween. I’m happy to say that I avoided any gender-identity issues that could have resulted from that experience, but unfortunately Axl's issues are still alive, well and many. Mainly, he's suffering from an overblown ego crisis due to his beliefs that it’s still 1988 and that people still care about the New and Unimproved GN’R.

Despite what his plastic surgeon would have us believe, the guy is getting older...he just hasn't gotten any wiser. Ax-hole is still up to his old tricks. First, Axl fired Guns’ opening act, Eagles of Death Metal, after their first gig last week failed to make an impact on the black tee-clad mullet heads in the audience. Second, he still thinks it's okay to show up onstage whenever he feels like it, cancel shows and make lame excuses for his behavior (he has a headache, his throat hurts, his ass itches, etc). Third, he is still trying to convince everyone that Chinese Democracy exists and convince himself that it will be the most important record in the history of rock. If it actually sees the light of day, that is. I would've bought the album if it had been released back when GN'R was still GN'R. But now that they're just RN'Some other guys, I've lost interest. I know a lot of other fans have too. And ever since Axl's return to the scene as a cornrowed wax figure who occasionally gets into fights with fashion designers, more and more fans have come to accept that the Guns N' Roses we knew and loved is officially dust n' bones.

Did Axl never get the memo that his out-of-control, moody, drunken, bad boy shtick just ain’t cool anymore? Not that it was ever cool for rockers to take themselves too seriously. Axl did show some humor when he referred to his fired tour-mates as the “Pigeons of Shit Metal.” I’m sure that comment would at least get a big ol’ “HA-ha!” from Nelson Muntz. Still, Eagles of Death Metal got the last laugh with this brilliantly cheeky follow-up statement that has nearly persuaded me to buy their record without knowing anything about them or ever having heard a song:

"At first the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die."

Humorless, botoxed Axl probably wants to get in the ring with those guys now, but they might need to get in line behind Vince Neil. I think he's been waiting kind of a long time.


Happy Villain said...

For the record, Axl lied about the Chicago show. It sucked. It was the talk of the radio stations for days after the concert, and callers from all over were saying it was the worst they'd ever seen. Sebastian Bach did his thing and no GNR on stage. Finally at midnight they took the stage, and more than one person said they left in the middle of the performance. The joke was that Milwaukee got off lucky with the cancellation. An entire night of their lives wasn't robbed from them.

It must be difficult to be Axl. Everywhere he goes, people tell him he's washed up -- over. It's particularly difficult when they're right.

Arlen Crawford said...

I find it mildly amusing that Slash has moved on with his life, even doing Volkswagen commercials, while Axl desperately tries to live off past glory. Don't be surprised to see some tracks from Chinese Democracy and previous hits actually getting released in a Best Of package eventually.

The worst thing that can happen to a rocker is to believe their own press. Don Henley fell into the same trap, but he was fortunate enough to pull himself out. Whereas Axl's free fall continues with no end in sight.

Teri said...

Heh. Loved how you threw in Nelson. Ha-HA!

Writeprocrastinator said...

He went wrong with songs like "November Rain," which I don't think is a bad song, but it was over the top for G-N-R.

I'm like you in why I can't see why this guy thinks he's still the shit, when his best material is over a decade behind him.

I saw open for The Cult on the "Appetite" and while he couldn't pull off all the vocal parts of "It's So Easy" and "Michelle," the band was at their performing peak.

It's a shame how Mr. Brownstone and egos could ruin such a good thing.

Anonymous said...

I am a star syndrome has affected many...but Mr. Axl grease has taken it to a new level..

Please someone tell him that botox is a he looks horrible

Anonymous said...

He refuses to be roped into the Hair Band 80s retread tours, but that probably would have saved him... 3rd on a bill with Warrant, Poison and LA Guns, he could have tried out enough new material and got a fanbase interested in the new album. Now people just don't care

Anonymous said...


"Rock Star" is to Botox as current musical relevance is to Axl Rose


Metal Mark said...

It sounds like they have had trouble selling tickets in a number of cities. I guess not having an album out, having a reputation of showing up late and being an ass may have something to do with that.

scott said...

You nailed it. I can't understand why anybody cares about this guy or this band anymore!


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