Friday, January 12, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Jessica Simpson Pours Herself a Cup of Ambition, Takes a Sip and Burns Her Tongue - You might think that anything involving the word "honors" would be bimbo-free. However, in the case of the Kennedy Center Honors this year, you would be wrong. Somehow, Jessica Simpson got herself invited to sing as part of a tribute to Dolly Parton. Apparently she's a big fan. I'm sorry, I'm a huge Pearl Jam fan, but I doubt I'll be asked to perform at their Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony - even though I'd probably do a better job than Jess did at Dolly's party. While trying to sing (see, she's already at a disadvantage) the classic, "9 to 5," ol' Simpy flubbed several lines and performed with all the heart and enthusiasm as one of the automatons from Disney's Hall of Presidents. Later, she claimed she was nervous. Not good enough? Her adoration of Dolly made her super-emotional. No? Still no good? Oh, well then it was her strapless dress. That was giving her problems. How's that? I don't know, maybe it's just because she's never had a real job and didn't understand the concept of the song. Or maybe her band started playing the wrong number. Woops, wait...wrong sister. Whatever the reason, Jess was given a 2nd chance to tape the song after the show was over and reportedly still sucked. She's since asked that the performance be removed from the telecast because she doesn't feel that it's good enough. Well, that's the first bright idea the girl's ever had. Why stop there? On those grounds, can't we have all of her songs, videos, live shows, interviews and movie performances stricken from public record? And can she just go work at Hooters where she belongs?

Donald, Rosie and Barbara are The Richest, Most Successful Fifth Graders on Earth - Omigod. Like, okay, you guys weren't on the bus yesterday and you totally missed it. Well, like, you know how Donny and Rosie totally hate each other now, right? Ok, so like Donny passed Barbie a note that says like, I know you hate Rosie too so why did you diss me the other day when I said hi to you in the hall? And why did you tell everyone you hated me 'cause I was being mean to her and she's like your BFF? If that's true, then, like why did you come over my house that night to watch "One Tree Hill" and make out with me? So Rosie grabbed the note and read it and she's all "eww, whatever" and Barb is just like, "you know he's lying," and then Donny's all, "I don't even care what you think anymore, you're both pigs." Dude, it was so funny.

Li-Lo and Her Stitches - After Lindsay Lohan had an emergency appendectomy last week, blood tests revealed that her liver is taking quite a beating. If anyone hasn't heard, the gal likes to drink. The doctors warned her that she's jeopardizing her health, but you know how doctors are. They just like to scare people. She's young. She's having fun. What's wrong with that? Come on, it's not like she's gonna die. I mean, she could just buy a new liver tomorrow if she really needed one.

James Brown, Russian Dictator? - I don't quite get the reasoning behind giving James Brown the Stalin treatment; displaying his dead body in a glass case like a damn stuffed pheasant. Who wants to see that on every other TV channel? He must have the craziest fans. There was really no shortage of crazy in the guy's life, it seems. From his nut job widow (pending further investigation) to rumors of sexual harassment and rape to a fan shoot-out stemming from a disagreement over Brown's height...he was pretty much a walking, gyrating Jerry Springer episode.

More Celebrity Couples Call it Quits - Let's heave a collective shocked sigh for the latest victims:
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake - Rumor has it Cameron was upset because Justin gave Scarlett Johanson a dick in a box for Christmas.
Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson - Reportedly, Kate got tired of Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller constantly showing up at their place unannounced.
Drew Barrymore and The Strokes' Fabrizio Blahblahbatti - Supposedly, he found out that she's a closet Jet fan and she found out that he prefers Alf to E.T..
Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady - No surprise. Who isn't sick of Mr. Pretty and the Patriots?


Teri said...

I am so bloody sick of The Donald. GAH!

I'm feeling strangely bad about the Cameron Diaz/Justin Timberlake thing. WTF?

Writeprocrastinator said...

I dunno, I heard that your version of "Alive" is the toast of Pittsburgh and that was the original reason why Sienna Miller came to visit your fair former city.

Lee Ann said...

Jessica...oh really...I just cannot even comment on her! Except John Mayer????? What is he thinking?
Donald and Rosie, just has to be PR, because no two grown people should act like that.
Lohan had claimed not too long ago she had quit drinking....did it not stick?
Wow, more celebrity breakups....I had not heard about these latest ones.

Have a great weekend!

Dale said...

Thank you for this wonderful public service. You saved me several episodes of ET THE MOST WATCHED NEWS ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM IN THE WORLD and countless YouTube searches. Plus it was way more entertaining.

Why didn't they just send Gerald Ford and James Brown out on tour together that week?

Turnbaby said...

Thanks for the re-cap. And wow--you made it through a whole post--nay -the week --without a K-Fed mention. Is that on the skids too? *GRIN*

Anonymous said...

was Kate even away from Chris long enough to be even into "end" status with Owen? Seems to me more like a few dates not going anywhere

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I have to second Dale here to thank you for the public service. Now I feel I can venture forth in the world, confident that I hold my own if anyone challenges me to a gossip dance-off.

Masha said...

Usually I think the media hypes up most of the story, but it's sad when they are actually just relaying truth, as in the case with LiLo

Writeprocrastinator said...

I forgot to mention, Rosie's hair flip into the Donald's combover was one of the funniest things I've seen in the past few weeks.

Bond said...

Funny stuff Beck.... OH and Pretty Pat is now dating carrie Underwood....


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