Friday, February 23, 2007

Flashback with High Fructose Corn Syrup!

It was on this day way back in 1896 that an Aussie immigrant named Leo Hirschfield introduced the world to the Tootsie Roll. No, not the dance - the little confectionary treat that looks like feces. In fact, I think I that "Tootsie" is Australian for "Kangaroo turd," which is a popular Aboriginal apres-dinner treat. Looks like shit, but the taste is bonzer.

This is an important day in history for me because I love candy. My hips might tell you that I love it a bit too much and, according to Shakira, hips don't lie. Well, she's wrong. My hips (and abs...and thighs) are constantly trying to tell me that I'd be happier snacking on rice cakes and carrots instead of Swedish Fish and chocolate. I can't believe I have to put up with such dishonesty from my body parts.

Back from the self-depracating tangent in 3...2...1...

Tootsie Rolls are fabulous, but whoever came up with the idea of putting them in Pop form was the true genius. Tootsie Pops (especially raspberry...drool) may very well be my all-time favorite candy. Shakira and all the health nuts out there should be happy to know that they are also one of the healthiest candies, relatively speaking, with which to satisfy those sweet cravings. They're low in calories, non-fat, and you can suck on them for a long time; thus extending your candy consuming process, appeasing those pesky oral fixations and possibly preventing a full-on binge. Of course, I have been known to "chain-pop," but only on rare occasions. You know, weekends, holidays, full moons, Must See TV nights...that sort of thing.

So, I totally understand these women...some of my homegirls from Pittsburgh. (No surprise.) I can't think of any better reason to have children than to wait for them to reach school-age and then pilfer all of their fundraising candy. Are they thieves? Well, yeah. But, come on. Motherhood is stressful! Give them a break. And break 'em off a piece of a few hundred dollars worth of Kit Kat bars.

These guys, on the other hand, need to be put away. Ruining perfectly good chocolate bars in the name of drug smuggling? If these dudes were smart, they'd give up the heroin game and start selling pure corn syrup.


Spinning Girl said...

Tootsie pops really are the best thing of all time.


Travis said...

The powers at my office decided to switch up on us - they stopped putting chocolate in the candy dish and went to fruity candy...jolly ranchers and sweet tarts and Nerds and other such.

But the one concession they were forced to make? Don't take away the Tootsie Rolls!!!

We would have rioted in the hallways.

Bond said...

Personally.. My fav are the grape.. and I keep Tootsie Pops on my desk all the time for others to take... I have them occasionally, but the ones on my desk are for co-workers

Turnbaby said...

Tootsie rolls and Tootsie Pops--oh--my--god

O )
-- )~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O )

Writeprocrastinator said...

What did Prince say about Tootsie Rolls?

Yeah, I've never understood that expression, taking "candy from a baby." I mean, as a metaphor, it makes sense, they can't ID the perps. But as you pointed out, kids will have a superior stash.

"but the taste is Bonzer"


For Christmas, the Missus got a box of these Trader Joe's chocolates filled with a lesser version of Bailey's and unfortunately, the candy took advantage of me, and the entire box leapt into my mouth. Pity, that...

Metal Mark said...

Tootsie pops are great. I like orange the best.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

For me, if it's not chocolate, it's not worth opening my mouth, I'm afraid. I'd obviously be better off with the (relatively) healthy Tootsie Pop, but what are you gonna do?

Ooooo, Sweet Tarts are very fine though, and they are not chocolate.


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