Monday, March 19, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Simon Cowell Says He's Bigger Than Springsteen - Simon, I love you. But this is why it would never work between us. You only think of music as a business. You don't feel it in your heart and soul. It's all dollars and cents to you. You think because you can sell more units than The Boss that that makes you more important to the music industry? It's not that hard to spot a trend and capitalize on it. Anyone in the right position could achieve what you have. But not many could write something as brilliant as "Jungleland."

Rehab is Wasted on the Young and Famous - It seems that post-rehab Lindsay Lohan is even more of a menace than she was before. Since coming back from her "getaway," she's: 1.) Run over a photographer with her BMW 2.) Hooked up with the much-older, big-time player, Jude Law, either because she's a silly ho or to spite her ex, who is now dating Jude's ex, Sienna Miller 3.) Flipped out on fans who came to hear her DJ at a NYC club and 4.) Forgotten the point of detox, as illustrated by her still-constant partying. Then there's Britney Spears, who recently got nasty with a fellow rehabber in the bushes near the tennis court of her treatment center. She's also reportedly acting like a little brat, being rude to staff, throwing temper tantrums and leaving huge messes in her wake. Someone needs to fry LiLo with some good ol' fashioned shock treatment. As for Britney, she's already prepped her head for a lobotomy, so why not? I'm sure it would be a very quick operation.

Heather Mills Has a Leg Up on the Competition - The new season of Dancing with the Stars premieres tonight, featuring the cute Beatle's soon-to-be ex teetering around on her prosthetic leg. She claims she's not doing the show for publicity. Well, no! Of course not! Just like she didn't make up all that nonsense about Paul being worse than the Marquis de Sade. Hey, I know it must be hard to lose a limb, but that doesn't give a person the right to turn into an evil, lying witch. So, I hope her leg does fly off, spins around and her fake foot knocks out all of her horsey teeth.

What's A Three-Way, Alex? Noooo...soooorry. The Correct Answer is 'What is a Menage a Trois?' - On March 16, for the first time in the show's history, Jeopardy! ended in a three-way tie. The odds of this happening were calculated by some nerdy guy as being one in 25 million. The probability of Alex Trebek getting through an entire game without being a condescending jackass, however, is about 10 times less likely.

So Many Reunion Tours, So Little Spending Cash - It seems that a bunch of old '80s, and even '90s, musical favorites are gearing up for reunions this year. Most importantly, for me, is the recent announcement of a Squeeze tour. I would definitely dole out the big bucks to see those guys back together. I'd love to catch Crowded House and The Police too, but I don't know if my bank account could handle all that action. Wouldn't a Squeeze/Crowded House double-bill just beat all? To hear both Glenn Tilbrook and Neil Finn in the same night...and if they performed a song together? Good Lord. I would end up with a serious, irreversible perma-grin.


Dale said...

You're so sexy when your eyes are all crusty!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahaha they had to hose down Britney and her junkie friend to separate them? Where are those damn photogs when you really need them?

Travis said...

I'm so with you on the music. I have a sneaking suspicion that this season's bland Idol is a measured and calculated attempt to find that dime a dozen pop star who will sell a couple million units and line some pockets.

They didn't get that with Taylor last season.

Funny thing is, that might be why last season was so popular - because it was so diverse in terms of musical taste.

But that's just my 2 cents adjusted for inflation.

Anonymous said...

on the dancing with the stars HEATHER MILLS front....check out this 24 seconds of her dancing on Paul's grave:

deadspot said...

I think you should be allowed to run over paparazzi if they stand in front of your car, at least a little bit.


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