Monday, March 05, 2007

P. Diddy: Making K-Fed Seem Tolerable

Submitted for your amusement: the latest nonsensical mutterings of Diddy or Puffy or Puff the Magic Diddy...whatever name that samplin' mofo is going by these days.

1. "I'll smack flames out of your ass." Stop laughing, this is supposed to be a threat. Recently, Gerald Rechnitzer, who will henceforth be known as "some dude," filed a lawsuit against Diddy, claiming that the Puffmeister not only had the audacity to chat up his girlfriend while he was in the little boy's room, but that when he came out to retrieve her, Diddy-o flipped out and yelled, "What the f**k you looking at dude? I'll smack flames out of your ass!" Then Staypuft punched the dude in the jaw and spit on his woman, 'cause that's how he rolls. Oh no, wait, P. Dud hasn't actually commented on how he rolls at this point.

Now, I know that there are a lot of wacky people out there who think that suing celebrities is a good way to make some fast cash, so it's possible that this is just a bunch of diddy-doody. However, if I made a false accusation against someone, I doubt I would fabricate a battle-cry like, "I'll smack flames out of your ass." What does that mean? Not a thing. Who says that? Not normal people. Picture those words coming out of anyone else's mouth but Po-Diddly. It just doesn't work.
That's why I'm inclined to believe that this incident really did happen. That's a Diddy-ism if ever there was one.

2. "I shave down there. I do it myself - or I have my young lady help me, because I don't want to get no nicks." Diddy just cop to shaving his pubes? Yep, and he's proud of it. And don't worry, the young lady he's talking about is his girlfriend. You know, because women like it when men call them their "young ladies." If I had a boyfriend who referred to me as "his young lady," I'd smack flames out of his ass.

In this story - yes, let's all marvel that this was actually a story in the first place and someone actually got paid to write it - The Puffinator goes on to brag about his lovemaking skills. Obviously, ripping off Sting's music just didn't make him happy enough, so he decided to rip off his "tantric sex" schtick too. Evidently, he and his young lady can get it on for up to 28 hours. If the idea of that doesn't make you nearly hurl, your stomach is stronger than mine. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even want to have sex with John Travolta or Eddie Vedder for 28 hours. At some point, I'd just need to take a nap. And some pictures.


Les Becker said...

ROTFL! Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be for me to not say "I'm gonna smack flames out your ass?" whenever I get pissed, now?! If you knew how often I get pissed, that would worry you... Oh, yes, they are going to put me "away", wait for it.

Lee Ann said...

28 hours....she must be able to smack flames out of his ass! It would have to be something like that...otherwise....OUCH!

Have a great week!

Teri said...

"If I had a boyfriend who referred to me as "his young lady," I'd smack flames out of his ass."

A-MEN, sistah!

eeeewwwww. young lady. eeewwww.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I just hope to hell that she's not really a young lady, like a niece or something. EWWWWWW. I mean, ewwww anyway, but that would up the ante.

Damn it now I'm thinking of a big old pile of shaved Diddy pubes and I do not want to think about that.

Travis said...

Sometimes it isn't necessary to try and think up funny stuff to write. You just have to wait, and some celebrity or other will utter so much foolishness you could write about it for weeks.

Writeprocrastinator said...

No flames coming out of Diddy's ass, all the burn with him is upfront.

Turnbaby said...

OMG "smack the flames out of your ass" CLASSY!!


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