American Idol Top 7: Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Sunjayas

Yee-haw! It's country night on American Idol, which promises to be rather interesting, considering there isn't one country singer in this bunch. However, the group has been working with Martina McBride all week, a woman who could give me chills just by singing the ingredient label from a box of cereal. With any luck she's rubbed off on the finalists. Of course, no amount of rubbing can help Sunjaya and - eww - gross visual.

Phil Stacey kicks the shin-dig off with Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends." He gives some blah-blah reason for picking the song, but I think he's less attracted to the song as he is to Keith's purty hair. Phil sounds quite good, but didn't take Martina's advice to "put more soul into it." Like every week, Phil hits all the right notes but still sounds like he's singing from cue cards. He can't stop boring me. The judges all think Phil sounds great, and Randy even thinks that he could have a career in country music. Upon hearing this, Phil mouths, "That's what I want!" This guy kills me. The Dawg could've said, "Yo man, I think you have a real future in opera," and Phil would say, "Oh yes, Randy, I've always wanted to be the next Pavarotti! I'll start eating calzones right now. Promise me more things! Produce my next record! Tell me more about your time with Journey! Love me! Love me!"

I'm glad I got to pick on Phil a little bit, because Jordin Sparks is leaving me with nothing snarky to say. I hate when these kids do that to me. Jordin is singing Martina's "Broken Wing" and, no doubt, making Ms. McBride very proud. For me, this might be the best performance all season. It's certainly unforgettable and will be hard to beat tonight. The judges beam proudly at their little 17-year-old with the big voice, and Simon tells Jordin that he believes she could win the competition. Wait! I thought of something smart-assy! Her dress...it, um, looks like an Asian tarp of some kind. *Sigh* Yeah, I've got nothing.

I was really hoping that Sunjaya Milkin'Cows was going to come out sporting a full beard and sunglasses, fashioned from his own overgrown eyebrows, to sing "All My Rowdy Friends Are Comin' Over Tonight." Imagine my disappointment when he announces that he's still taking this competition seriously, then dives into Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About" while sporting one of Bruce Springsteen's old bandanas. It really is a perfect song choice for Sunjaya though, as long as you're playing along at home. "Let's give 'em something to talk about/A little mystery to figure out" (Like how you're still here?) "Let's give 'em something to talk about/How about love?" (How about, you suck?) The Dawg tells it like it is, while Paula tells Sunjaya that he "loves adversity." That's just a nice way of saying, "Boy, you love rubbing America's nose in the big pile you leave up on that stage every week." Simon is just beyond annoyed. He's given up on the reverse psychology this week and blurts out that Sunjaya is "utterly horrendous." When Lord Cowell tells Sunjaya that he's as bad as some of the early auditioners, Seacrest sticks his nose in and suggests that Simon would still diss the boy even if he nailed a song. Simon shuts blondie up with a brusque, "I liked him last week, big mouth," and tries to shoo him offstage. At the risk of getting sued by Paris Hilton, that's so hot.

LaKisha Jones tries to clean up after Sunjaya with her rendition of former-Idol Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel." I had a feeling that this really wasn't going to work, so I'm not surprised that it doesn't. The girl can still sing, but she is a little pitchy (I can't believe I just used the p-word!) and just does not fit with the country genre. All the judges agree, but Paula avoids breaking out in a "truth rash" by tacking on a "But, so what? You're still brilliant!" Yeah, LaKisha, that really wasn't great, but so what? It's just a singing competition. Who cares? Sing even worse next time. Tank it! You'll be fine. Hey, it works for Sunjaya, right?

Just for tonight, Chris Richardson stops channeling Justin Timberlake in favor of an even whinier singer, the fat Lance Bass from Rascal Flatts. "Mayberry" starts off a bit shaky, but Chris actually pulls off the choruses rather well. Chris still needs a little work, but I think he deserves to stay, if for no other reason than because he looks cuter than usual this evening. It's the tween in me coming out, what can I say? None of the judges really dig Chris tonight though, and Simon really twists the knife by calling his whole performance "insignificant." Just as I start to consider ending my imaginary relationship with Cowell, Chris whimpers, "Nasally is a form of singing. I don't know if you knew that." Then, in the middle of this bellyaching, he says his prayers are with the folks at Virginia Tech and, just as quickly, the show continues as normal. Simon and I both roll our eyes at Chris's completely inappropriate timing. Maybe he really cares, but the way it was done just makes it look like pandering for votes. And don't even get me started on the "nasally is a form of singing" comment. Oops, too late! Actually, Chris, "nasally" is an adverb. It's how you sing. It's not recommended. It is annoying. Just shut up, take your lumps like everyone else, figure out how to sing through your mouth, and thank your lucky stars that you're fairly good looking. If you don't get voted off tomorrow night, it's because of your face.

Melinda Doolittle steps in just in time, because I'm tired of ranting! Oh, look! The stylists took my advice (I think I suggested this in one of my comments or on someone else's blog) and gave Melinda some of Haley's old extensions, covering up her short neck. And - two snaps! - she looks fab-u-lous. While most of us would never expect to see Melinda anywhere near a country song, she does a fantastic job with Julie Reeves' "Trouble is a Woman." Once again, Melinda proves that a truly good singer can sing anything, although I think that it being a fairly unknown song certainly helps, because it doesn't draw immediate comparisons. (I think that was part of LaKisha's problem tonight - it was very difficult not to hear Carrie Underwood in my head.) The judges still love Melinda, and Cowell finally tells her to "lose the look of surprise" every time someone gives her a compliment. With some practice, even sweet Melinda could learn to be a smug jackass like Simon. (I wouldn't have him any other way, so I'm allowed to say that. But don't let me catch any of you bad-mouthing him.)

Blake Lewis closes out the show, clad in yet another nerd-boy ensemble. Man, I would love a look inside his closet some time. I hear he spends a lot of time in there. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Blake is singing Tim McGraw's "When the Stars Go Blue" and it starts out a bit weird, but greatly improves after the first chorus. I'm listening to this thinking that Blake actually has some power that he doesn't use. I would love to hear him really belt something out...I think it would be good. He's also got nice range and has no problem hitting those high notes. Overall, I like it. Not as good as last week, but he should still breeze through this round. I have to say though, when he sang the line, "Laughing with your pretty mouth," I fell into a serious giggle-fit because I'm always a bit distracted by the odd way his mouth moves when he sings. It's very effeminate, for lack of a better word. Then I kept thinking that if Blake were ever in prison, his cell mate would surely tell him what a pretty mouth he had. But, I won't go there. Randy actually likes Blake's geek-chic fashion sense, but that's coming from a guy who wears rhinestoned tee-shirts. He and Paula both think the performance was fab, but Simon looks a bit drab. Apparently he's been bitten by Chris's bad-timing bug, because he starts to critique Blake, abruptly says something about Virginia Tech, then goes back to Blake and says something like, "You were okay." What is wrong with these people tonight? Seacrest sent a message out to everyone involved in the tragedy at the top of the show. That was really all that was needed, because throwing in little comments about it in between songs is just kind of tacky. But, why am I looking for class and sophistication from American Idol? If it had either, I probably wouldn't be watching.

So, who's getting bucked tomorrow night? I'm sticking to my six-guns this week and putting Sunjaya in the Bottom 3. I mean, come on. This has gone on long enough. We're down to seven now, and as the group gets smaller, his suckitude is only magnified. He's definitely in the hot seat. I'm torn between Phil and Chris for the second slot. I want to pick Phil because he's already been there a lot and he's consistently boring. However, I think Chris and his annoying little comments might not sit too well with some folks. After some thought and a round of eenie-meenie-miney-mo, I'm going with Chris. As for the third bottom dweller, I think the world is ready for a little surprise this week, so I'm going to say that LaKisha will be getting her first taste of the danger zone. So, there you have it: Sunjaya, Chris and LaKisha in the Bottom 3, and...dare I say it? Sunjaya's finally going home.