Friday, April 06, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

John Travolta is Stayin' Alive. Whew. - On Monday, my dearest darling had to make an emergency landing at Ireland's Shannon Airport, due to technical troubles. According to one source, "If he hadn't made it to Shannon, it could have been the end of him. You could tell that he was very relieved." Now, no one is more relieved than I, but John's publicist has told Extra that the world's sexiest actor/pilot was only making a routine stop to re-fuel on his way back from Germany, and that there were no engine problems. Whatever the case may be, John's alive. Thank God. I wasn't looking forward to locking myself in a dark room for two weeks and sobbing while watching Michael on a constant loop.

So, Kevin Costner Wants to Be a Rock 'n Roll Star? - Satisfied that he's made enough boring, over-indulgent movies to last us all a lifetime, Kev has now set his sights on the world of music. What's that you say? You didn't even know that he was a rocker? Well, that's why he's mad as a Durham bull. Costner is suing Mahee Worldwide Ventures, the firm hired to promote his band, for breach of contract. According to the lawsuit, Mahee Worldwide reneged on their promises to make Costner's band a household name by seemingly dropping off the face of the Earth and cutting off contact with Costner and his company, Kevin's Music LLC. (Original name, eh?) Hey, I know it was Mahee's job and all, but having worked in PR, I kind of feel for them. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror every morning when you know you're a shill for shit. Then again, the same company promoted Lindsay Lohan's "music," so I think it's a little too late for its employees to suddenly develop souls.

Go To Jail. Go Directly to Jail, Do Not Go Wild, Do Not Collect 29 Million Dollars. - Human turd, Joe Francis, aka the Girls Gone Wild guy, was recently cited with contempt and ordered into custody by Judge Richard Smoak. The order came after Negotiations Gone Wrong in a lawsuit filed by seven women who claim that they were minors when featured in one of Francis' T&A extravaganzas. The ladies' lawyers reported that Francis threatened them during settlement talks, a claim that Francis denies. Joe's attorneys are appealing the order, but I'm hoping this smarmy moron gets some jail time. I'm sure he'd be a big hit with Sodomites Gone Wild.

If Sunjaya Wins, I Will ________. - Simon Cowell has already announced that if Sunjaya wins American Idol, he'll quit the show. (Simon, you can't quit me, baby.) Now, there is a website dedicated to the horrific possibility that Pure Evil may be our next Idol. The site is asking people to fill in the blanks and fill everyone in on what they will do if that happens. Responses range from the funny (If Sunjaya wins, I will be eagerly awaiting the remake of "From Justin to Kelly" starring Sunjaya and Antonella) to the foolish (If Sunjaya wins, I will line up and let everyone in the world kick me in the junk) to the highly probable (If Sunjaya wins, the Apocalypse will occur immediately after his "victory," God will appear, tell us all we've been punk'd, and all human existence will cease to be. So long long). As for me, I originally planned to move to England with Alec Baldwin if Sunjaya wins, but instead I'll probably just sigh, change the channel and go back to making fun of Paris Hilton or something.

Britney's Favorite Mistakes - With her divorce from K-Fed finalized, Brit's hindsight is leading her to believe that the white rapper was her "biggest mistake." Sure, K-Fed's mere existence could probably be considered a mistake, but can Britney really put him at the top of her long list of bad choices? Let's take a look at some of the other contenders:

  • Got knocked up twice by said "big mistake"
  • Let her baby drive her car
  • Thought people would actually watch Britney & Kevin: Chaotic
  • Befriended Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
  • Lost all of her panties
  • Repeatedly proved to the paparazzi that she lost all of her panties
  • Shaved her head
  • Partied too much; went to rehab
  • Mistook rehab for a dating service
  • Checked out of rehab much too early
  • Married random childhood friend for a day
  • Embarked on a singing career despite an utter lack of vocal ability

  • When put in proper context, K-Fed doesn't seem so bad, huh?


    Anonymous said...

    Pure genious my friend. But I hate to tell you that Tom Cruise and John Travolta believe the same scientology madness.


    pia said...

    Have a soft spot for John Travolta

    Can't tell my Kevin Costner story without making him sound pure evil so I won't

    Les Becker said...

    "If Sunjaya wins, I will get drunk!" I already said that here, didn't I? Okay, so maybe I'll stay drunk. And get stoned in the parking lot. Yeah. And I'll order a case and take it over to my landlady's. She's 84; she needs a beer. I wonder if she knows any drug dealers...

    Barbara Bruederlin said...

    I'm thinking that Britney and the other Kevin (the crap movie one) should team up to become last minute contestants on American Idol (some would say Idle). That way we could get all our tabloid news in one shot.

    Writeprocrastinator said...

    "Pure genious my friend. But I hate to tell you that Tom Cruise and John Travolta believe the same scientology madness."

    If she ever gets a hold of him, Becka will cure him of all that ; )

    BTW, what the hell is Simon thinking??? If he truly intends to honor the promise, hell, I'd watch the show and vote for Sunjaya.

    Travis said...

    If Kid Rooster Head wins, it serves AI right. I can't even come up with anything funny about it.

    Metal Mark said...

    I am not a huge fan of John Travolta. However I am thrilled that season one of "Welcome back, Kotter" is due out soon. I hope it will be as good as I remember it.

    Turnbaby said...

    LOL--sugar--must I do an 'intervention' about you and K-Fed? *snarf*

    BeckEye said...

    Jef - Yes, but John doesn't believe he's the most important man in the universe.

    Pia - Why wouldn't I want to hear a story about Kevin Costner being pure evil?

    Les - I bet that 84 year old could drink you under the table. I used to tend bar at a place that many oldsters frequented and lemme tell ya, they couldn't get enough Wild Turkey.

    Barbara - That's actually a good idea! Maybe they can be on the next season of Celebrity Duets or Singing with the Stars or whatever the hell that crappy show was called.

    WP - I would never try to make John change his beliefs. I would, however, forbid him from making Battlefield Earth II: The Search for L-Ron.

    How could you want to get rid of Simon? He's the best part of that show.

    Travis - Agreed. The producers put him there for controversy and those very special reality TV "moments." The judges need at least one whipping boy every year. They put him through, so now they have to deal with the fact that people might actually vote him to the top.

    Mark - Welcome Back, Kotter really isn't the greatest show in the world but it's entertaining enough. Watching it now, I can't help but groan at the awful jokes and Gabe Kaplan's nasty mustache and wooden performances. But John certainly looked lovely back that with that massive head of hair. I hated when he left and they replaced him with that annoying Southern dude, Beau. Ugh. I always kinda liked Mr. Woodman, too. He was funny.

    Turnbaby - Actually, I think I'm more obsessed with Sunjaya these days. Just like everyone else!

    Flannery Alden said...

    ::whispering:: I watched Chaotic. It was a total trainwreck.

    Alecia said...

    Love the Brit-List. God Bless you.

    LoraLoo said...

    I can't believe Kevin Costner wants to be a rockstar too. I can't watch a movie he's in, he simply gives me the creeps. Funny thing is, I don't really even know why!

    Turnbaby said...

    Oh god--not me--I am just watching everyone else be 'obsessed' *grinning*

    Hey--I've got the Finns on the blog today!


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