Friday, April 27, 2007

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

Alec Baldwin: The Hottest Jerky Boy Ever - Alec Baldwin's answering machine rant heard round-the-world continues to inspire. Video mashups like this one are being churned out with greater frequency than KISS albums, while people everywhere have finally stopped asking friends and family, "Can you hear me now?" in favor of leaving Baldwinesque voicemail messages. No word yet on when the Alec Tirade Soundboard will be available to further assist prank callers. Of course, there's always this to keep them occupied in the meantime.

Rosie O'Donnell No Longer Blocking Barbara Walters' View - Big-mouth Rosie announced recently that she will be leaving chick gab-fest, The View, this summer. I don't even watch The View and I'm glad. So is Donald Trump who, of course, is taking credit for her departure. I'm not really concerned about the Rosie/Trump feud because I'm too busy cringing over this news. Apparently not satisfied with making TV audiences sick, Rosie now wants to go after the upper-crusty theater crowd. Would the producers of Les Miserables actually allow this wench to defile my favorite musical? Hey, while they're at it, why not just cast Sanjaya as Gavroche? Or Alec Baldwin as Jean Valjean? I guess the ending would be changed so that Valjean tells Cosette that her mother, Fantine, was a manipulative slut who never loved her. Then, during the curtain call, Madame Thenardier will launch koosh balls into the audience.

Richie Wichie Kissed the Girl and Made Hindus Bitchy - Richard Gere could be arrested! Finally, enough people who paid money to see Dr. T and the Women have filed a complaint. Hold on. No, sorry...I was mistaken. Turns out it's just because he kissed some Bollywood starlet. Wow. If Indians are upset about that, I hope for Richard's sake that they haven't heard all the gerbil rumors.

Joe Simpson Looking to Adopt Another Ditzy, Vocally-Challenged Blonde - The word on Page Six is that Jessica and Ashlee's Daddy is interested in taking Britney Spears under his wing, now that she's fired her manager. I guess since Britney and Jessica have so much in common, Brit would almost be like Joe's third daughter. Except that he could actually fondle her without getting arrested.

SanGanja's Hairdos and Misplaced Confidence Explained - Here is a transcript from lost footage of a recent episode of American Idol:

(Sanjaya sings.)
Randy: Yo, man I dunno, man, I dunno. That was whack, dawg.
Paula: Tee hee heee. Urp. Mo gurgle glamma zop! Whee. Sanjy,'re like...a toasted love muffin. Hmm ha ha hee hee.
Simon: If I'm being honest, that was absolutely dreadful.
Sanjaya: Awww...really?
Simon: Really! Abysmal. Awful. Other 50-cent "a" words. Who ever told you that you could sing?
Sanjaya: My parents and my sister.
Simon: Were they high?
Sanjaya: Yes. So?
Simon: Oh. Well. Right, then. Um, carry on.
Randy: Dude. Whack. Aight.
Paula: Sanblablah, tell your Momz I will meet her in the parking lot at 9:15, sharp.


Les Becker said...

ROTFL! I can't think of anything to say. I hate when you do that to me, GAWD! You "do" Paula better than Paula "does" Paula, I swear! And no spelling errors! ROTFL!!

OldGuy said...

I like Paula, she's like a bag of cotton candy. Sweet, colourful, and you just want to eat her up.

And the best part is that when you're done you can blow the bag up and pop it and make a big loud noise.

Bond said...

See... you did real well without Lindsey and K-Fed and Paris around, all rotting in a prison in India...though I almost did the Joe Simpson story also...

What were we on the same wave-length?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Damn girl, I've playing with that Glengarry Glen Ross thing for an hour now. It's almost as bad as virtual bubble-wrap.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I didn't always agree with Rosie, but to her credit, she actually had me watching the show here and there...

only to see her wind Elizabeth Hasslebeck up into an apoplectic fit.

Layla (aka Barbara) said...

I don't subscribe to People or any of those lame mags, I just come here for the real entertaining entertainment scoop!

Aayush Bhatnagar said...

hi !
about the richard gere kiss..
its not Indians as a whole who are upset..just a conservative group of people seeking cheap publicity!In a country of over a billion people..even a small group like this into thousands!Kissing is probs!

A.R. Crawford said...

Gotta hand it to you write the most entertaining blog in blogdom...

Dale said...

Loved your headlines. Ugh, didn't Rosie play Rizzo in Grease for a while? And then she ate it all up.

The Moviequill said...

what's this thing I heard about Rosie calling Oprah and Gayle lesbo lovers?


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