Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Idol Results: 4/18/07

I'm not going to try to be coy and keep you all in suspense here. I'm sure by the time anyone reads this, it will be common knowledge that Sanjaya's days as American Idol's comic relief are over. Notice I finally spelled his name right? I figured I'd send him out with a bang. Plus, he cried and I started to get a little uncomfortable. It almost makes me, no. I refuse to go soft. Before my annoying heart makes itself known, let me give you a run-down of tonight's results show.

For the first five minutes, I thought I had mistakenly tuned in to CNN or Larry King Live. Like everyone else, I sat on the edge of my chair as the drama of Eye-RollGate unfolded. Thank goodness someone on the grassy knoll was filming Simon's argument with Paula over whether or not Chris was "nasally," thus validating the infamous eye-roll and confirming that Cowell is just a mean ol' bastard, not a heartless one.

Once that was over, the All-Filler Variety Show commenced. I missed the group performance of JoDee Mesina's "I'm Alright," but my roommate said it sounded good. But he's the Paula to my Simon, so who knows what really happened.

After the group sing, the crowd was treated to country superstar, Fergie. When AI picks a theme, they really stick with it, eh? Fergie still has the face of a 50-year-old truckstop waitress, but she actually didn't annoy me tonight. I even found myself kind of liking the song she sang. All I know is that it wasn't "Fergalicious" and that was a blessing. Even though it was clear that she was heavily aided by a backing track during the chorus, and was probably using an auto-tune mic, I didn't hate it. I know, I wonder about myself sometimes too.

The group Ford commercials are always ghastly, but this week's was particularly bad. I have no idea what was going on. Some sort of James Bond/Mission Impossible/Spy Kids piece of fluff, all set to a bad cover of '80s classic, "I Ran." I can't believe the stylists missed a golden opportunity to give Sanjaya a Flock of Seagulls 'do.

After the break (has AI copyrighted that phrase yet, or can I still use it?), Ryan picked sides for a game of Red Rover. Oh no, wait. Apparently, he just found a more juvenile way of picking the Bottom 3. He grouped Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake together and then Chris, Jordin and Phil. Mr. Seacrest then paraded Melinda around like Teacher's pet, told her she was safe (duh) and tried to force her to pick which group she thought was the Bottom 3. The ever stoic Melinda refused, and plopped down in the middle of the stage. I was a little disappointed when Dionne Warwick didn't suddenly appear to lead everyone in a sing-along of "That's What Friends Are For." Ah well. I'm gonna keep smiling and shining anyway.

Oh, if you couldn't figure it out because you completely skimmed over the first paragraph of this post, Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake were the Bottom 3. Hard to believe Blake was in danger, and not Chris. Maybe "nasally" really is a form of singing?

But wait, there's more! Ryan wasn't ready to reveal the results yet, so we followed the gang on a trip to Dreamworks Studios for a sneak preview of Shrek the III. Most exciting was Phil's reunion with his long-lost father, Jeffrey Katzenberg. Least exciting was a visit from long-haired mumbler, Antonio "What you say...a-sexy" Banderas.

Finally, we were treated to a real country star - this week's mentor, Martina McBride. All the finalists just stood there watching her, mouths agape, wondering if they should ever sing in public again after her pitch-perfect performance. Well, not all of them. But come on, next to Martina, LaKisha sounds like Sanjaya. I guess that means next to Martina, Sanjaya sounds like - I don't know. Michael Buble?

Martina's daughter jumped up on stage for no reason other than to be cute, and she succeeded. Ryan made some little jokey jabs at her, which made me so happy for him. Finally, he got a chance to pick on someone his own (mental) size.

The hour had stretched as long as it could possibly go, so Seacrest told Blake what everyone already knew - he was safe. For one moment prior to the announcement of who would go home, I doubted my prediction. I thought it might be LaKisha. Then I strangely found myself almost hoping that it would be LaKisha.

You see, it dawned on me recently that, without Sanjaya, my blog is suddenly going to be less funny. I'll need to find a new go-to guy or gal. What am I gonna do, go back to writing about K-Fed? No. I can't. I won't. I'll have to actually do internet research to come up with nutty celeb news. That's work! This kid's just been dropping primo material in my lap week after week! I've barely had to lift a finger! Why did I want him to go? Stay, Sanjaya! Oh...nuts. Too late. Sanjaya, out.

Well, it's as it should be. To his credit, Sanjaya showed some humor during his farewell performance, singing, "Let's give 'em something to talk about, other than hair, hair, haaaaaair." Sanjaya's alligator tears won't make me take back anything I've ever said about his vocal ability (or lack thereof) or innate creepiness, but maybe I will withdraw my earlier contention that he is "pure evil." Thus confirming that I am just a mean ol' wench, not a heartless one.


Writeprocrastinator said...

I just read about it on Yahoo and I thought I would come over here to console you.

We're here for you...

And after the mall tours and ribbon cuttings...

Sunjaya will be here for you, too...

Be strong...

(cue "My Heart Will Go On")

Nearrrrr or farrrr

Dale said...

Beckeye, your blog will be watched closely over the coming weeks for signs of pitchiness and nasally writing (it's a form of writing in case you didn't know that). Thank you for giving me the perfect description of country star Fergie! I was worried she might pee her pants again and maybe she did but at least she wore black.

And to piggyback WP's comment: The next time you hear Celine take another little piece of your heart with My Heart Will Go on, listen to the fact that it sounds like she's singing 'and I know that the hot dogs go on'. Local radio used to love making fun of her for it.

Masha said...

At least I get my dose of AI from your blog--to add, free from 30 minutes of commercials! *sigh* Switzerland is still watching Friends like it just came out last year.

Les Becker said...

I watched last night. I was almost hoping Sanjaya (I can spell too!) would stay, so I could watch Simon crawl over the table and throttle him. I really LIKED the kid during the first few shows... but the longer he stayed the evil-er he became.

(I still think AI has lost what little credibility it may have ever had over this...)

deadspot said...

Be strong, Becks, and remember that, deep down, we all love a mean ol' wench.

kellypea said...

Sigh. He voted himself off the island because he's already got a gig. He's gotta.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

"Fergie still has the face of a 50-year-old truckstop waitress, but she actually didn't annoy me tonight." - oh lord, child, I simply have to use this my quote of the day. May I?

Naturally I thought of you when I heard about the big upset. Will you be buying a cake on the way home from work?

BeckEye said...

WP - Mall tours? Is Tiffany back?

Dale - If I do start blogging nasally, I hope you'll keep it real, dawg.

Masha - It's really amazing the ways in which an hour can be stretched.

Les - I felt like Simon knew TOO much. Like he broke into the vote jar before the show and rigged the results.

Deadspot - Deep down? You can't love a mean ol' wench and be up front about it?

Kellypea - I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up in his own VH-1 reality show. He'll be the next Flava Flav.

Barbara - Of course you may! Cake doesn't go well with beer, so I think I'll pass on the dessert.

cube said...

Dale beat me to the punch. He used all my material ;-)

Did anyone else feel a little sorry for Melinda when they visited the Shreck set?

Travis said...

I didn't get a chance to see the results show. I didn't know they made him cry.

But, maybe he was crying because he'll no longer have AI stylists to do his hair.

And trust me - you don't need Kid Rooster Bandana Head for material. If you haven't seen something silly from a celeb, just wait 5 minutes and it'll happen.

You'll be fine.

LoraLoo said...

YES! He's gone.

Fergie didn't annoy me like she usually does, either... whatever she was doing there (filler?) on Country night, I haven't a clue either.

The Randomness said...

lol you always come through Becks. We can always go back to watching Paula drink her "coca cola"

Anonymous said...

sheesh. No wonder you're commenting on Flannery's blog all the time. Everytime I read someone commenting on Idol it's like I'm struggling with English as a FIRST language...


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