Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Bitch is Back

Sorry, Britney. You had a good run there. You really made the most of your alone time in the spotlight. But, Paris is now a free woman. You'll have to crack open a few extra jars of crazy if you hope to keep up with her media maelstrom.

Prior to being released, Paris told Ryan Seacrest that she now has a "new purpose" in life, which is to do more - er, any - charitable work and develop some type of transitional home for her sistas. You know, other female convicts. Yes, Paris was quite popular with the ladies, and I don't mean that in any kind of stereotypical prison-lesbian way. She made lots of friends. In fact, I'm surprised that Paris didn't choose to stay in prison longer, since she had these wonderful things to say about her experience:

"I was really scared to come here at first, but all the inmates have been really nice and supportive and, I don't know, it was different than I thought it would be. It's not like what everyone thinks about jail. The walls are pretty thin and there are vents, so the girls next door talk to me through the vent, and they say, 'Oh my God, my kids love you,' or, 'My dad, all he wants for Father's Day is your autograph.'"

Man, I wish I still had a car so I could drive drunk and get thrown in jail. It sounds like a super-cool summer camp, and I never got to go to one when I was a kid!

And girls, forget hanging around the Clinique counter or spending all your money at Sephora. Just spend a few days in jail and you'll look like a million bucks. It's true! According to an article in Stuff, actress friend Julie Araskog was amazed by how great Hilton's skin looked during a recent jailhouse visit. Araskog was quoted as saying:

"She looked so beautiful. It felt surreal, like a movie. No make-up - she is naturally beautiful. I was stunned. She was as beautiful as she is with make-up."

I guess what she's trying to say is that Paris always kind of looks like some sort of dolphin-anteater hybrid? Cool.

All right, I've already devoted entirely too much time to this topic already. We all know that the "transitional home" will never see the light of day, and that Paris will be back in the clubs before her inevitable Playboy spread even hits newsstands. I doubt she's really learned anything. Except for maybe the number to a good car service.

Now, in honor of Hilton's release - and in belated celebration of gay pride day, I guess - enjoy this very appropriate video. (Click the pic to be redirected to the YouTube page.)

I'd swear that dude in the striped jacket is Jm J. Bullock.

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Anonymous said...

Ok I am pretty sure that was Jim J Bullock in the striped jacket. LOL And what gay man would claim that, and I use this term loosley, choreography?

Yikes. Funny video though.

Angela :)

Anonymous said...

So does this mean the Paris porn movies will be free now?


cube said...

The hair is too poofy to be Bullock, unless he was there incognito.

BTW doesn't that hold the world record for most triple snaps at one place?

Alice said...

that video seems like what a group of people who had never met gay men before would make in an attempt to mock them.

uh, that sort of came out wrong. i think what i meant was that i'd be sort of embarassed if i had been a gay man in that chorus and my new boyfriend found out.

that still didn't make sense. brain! mush! i give up.

deadspot said...

"Dolphin-anteater hybrid"

Is this what love feels like?

LoraLoo said...

The video was hilarious!

Paris is always full of hot air, let's she what she actually does...

Dan said...

I wonder if Paris will go on Martha Stewart's show now. Martha can talk about how she decorated her cell while Paris can discuss how she kept her skin looking so fine.

Beth said...

You know, if you want to make a change of lifestyle and become more of do-gooder, what person way to announce it to than Ryan Seacrest? Damn, she's a different chick!

Layla (aka Barbara) said...

I thought Jim B. was dead?

I am so happy for Paris. She sounds like she's had a major revelation.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Taggedy-tag-tag, you're it

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Paris obviously got some great make over tips in the slammer. Note the Heidi (hey I'm just an innocent young goat-herder girl) pigtails and the lack of orange fake tan. Those prison gals know how to make an appearance!

X. Dell said...

That's actually a pretty good performance--with choreography, no less.

Anyone feel like starting a Paris relapse pool?

chelene said...

I saw 5 seconds of Paris on Larry King tonight. She looked like she was made of wax.

Dale said...

What's up with all the gratuitous ball shots in that video?

I'm sorry for the terrible childhood you suffered Beckeye. No jail? It's worse than I thought.


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