Saturday, June 02, 2007

Britney: Redefining Rock Bottom

I posted a link recently to Britney Spears' disjointed, personal message to fans on her website in which she claimed that she had a nervous breakdown, not a drug or alcohol problem, and that she hit "rock bottom" before heading off to rehab. Well, luckily for all us gawkers, Britney found a trap door amongst the rocks.

According to a story first printed in the New York Sun, the night before Brit's website letter went up, she was found on the floor of Sky Bar's men's room, sobbing and stewing in her own vomit. "Sources" say that as staff members carried Brit out of the club, she kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment."

Things aren't going well for her? Remember that she stated in her letter, "I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life." Well, I can only imagine that the letter was written right before heading out to Sky Bar. Hey, the kids' eyes are closed! Woooo! Party!!! How can this broad say that she feels blessed to have her kids in her life, when she can't spend one damn night at home with them? And 6:25?? What kids are in bed and stay in bed before 7:00 pm? Good Lord, if she's still breast-feeding the little one, he must be on a constant buzz. As crazy as it may sound, those two boys would probably be much better off with K-Fed.

Now, according to an OK! piece, Britney is reveling in Paris Hilton's legal drama. Looks like she won't be slipping her ex-BFF cakes with files or iPods in them anytime soon. She is now saying that Paris is to blame for putting her on the path to self-destruction. An insider said that, "Britney is happy to be living clean and sober, far away from Paris’ mess. She’s also glad that the attention of making mistakes is now on somebody else.”

I guess the "insider" wasn't at Sky Bar the other night to see Brit's demonstration of clean and sober living.

So if Paris Hilton's publicist is to blame for her troubles and Paris is responsible for all of Britney's problems, I guess that means that Lindsay Lohan will soon be blaming all of her woes on Britney.

I just had a great idea for my own business. I could be a professional scapegoat! Any time one of these celebretards does something stupid (and they always do) they could just issue a statement, show a really skeevy picture of me and say, "BeckEye made me do it." I'd be like the real-life manifestation of that "Family Circus" character, Not Me. Anyone interested in financing or partnering with me on this slam-dunk business opp, give me a holler.


Layla (aka Barbara) said...

How much will you get paid for this new gig? Lots I hope. Yuk, just the thought of a floor in a men's room makes me feel sick. You have to feel sorry for a little bit...I mean that's PATHETIC.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Yes, I'm sure their publicists told them to do drugs and go commando, because that's how you ring up all the family-friendly endorsements...

in Brazil.

X. Dell said...

(1) I'm sensing an opportunity with the professional scapegoat thing.

(2) Maybe Lohan can blame Paris' publicist too?

(3) Perhaps the best thing that can happen now for Hilton, Lohan and Spears is to slip into obscurity.

Les Becker said...

Finance you? Ummm.... I can't even finance myself, yet? Partner with you, now? Free booze, you say? Sign me up.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm in for $50. You are doing the world a great service and capitalizing on a previously unserviced need. I expect we will make millions.

Dale said...

I've been blaming you for months, you're a shoe in or a shoe off or or

Chancelucky said...

After watching the 783 year old Tony Bennett sing on the American Idol finale, it struck me that these celebrity meltdowns serve an extremely critical environmental-social function.
Imagine if Britney, Lyndsay Lohan, Paris et. al. didn't find ways to destroy their careers so quickly. There would be no room for the next set of celebrities. The public's attention is very limited, so I can't imagine adding to the list of people whom People Magazine must chronicle every year.

While I realize this is very tough on Britney and her family, I'm glad that there is a way to make room for new people to profile in People.

Flannery Alden said...

I already blame Mel Gibson for everthing, though I'm not a celebrity (yet). When I'm famous, I'll give you a call.

deadspot said...

I think I have a new catchphrase: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment."

The word verification word for this post is omzoft. I bet Britney was on Omzoft in the Skybar.

Dale said...

I'm hoping you watched Sarah Silverman with squirmy delight last night over her Paris remarks. That's good teevee!

Scott said...

I adore the word "skeevy".


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine