Monday, July 16, 2007

Rock of Love: Week 1

Oooh. Blogs turn me on. So does foot fungus. And rubber cement...and ring around the collar...and...

As promised, I'll be providing weekly recaps for the new Bret Michaels mess, Rock of Love. Why did I promise this? Who did I promise? Do any of you care? I only ask because, after watching the first show, I'm not sure how much more I can take. I can only endure so much stupidity, sluttiness and silicone before I pass out.

For those of you not familiar with its concept, Rock of Love is along the lines of The Bachelor or Flavor of Love, starring Poison front-man Bret Michaels. Unlike the many "Bachelors," Bret doesn't often pretend to be sincere about his quest for love, stating that his ideal woman need only be "hot, cool and sexy." And unlike Flavor Flav, he doesn't seem to have a problem calling his groupies by their real names. I don't think Bret has enough imagination, vocabulary or brain cells in his noggin for all that nicknaming nonsense. Not that it matters, since some of them have ridiculous names anyway. I think most of them are probably going by their stripper names.

My favorite part of the show was listening to Bret try to not use "horny" or "turned on" in a sentence. I think he only succeeded once or twice. It was still fun to hear him speaking in his Pittsburgh accent. The fact that he's from Pittsburgh makes me like him a little more than I normally would. Well, he's actually from Butler, PA, which is about 30-40 minutes north of da 'Burgh. It's a pretty countrified suburb. A great place to take a Sunday afternoon drive. Lots of farms and such. So I'll bet Bret even thinks tractors are sexy.

My least favorite part of the show was listening to the bimbo brigade try to not speak complete jibberish. Out of 16 girls, I could only stomach maybe 4 of them. Most of them have fake boobs, many of them are strippers and two of them are named Brandi. Are you shocked yet?

The show began with 25 horny women, and before they even went into Bret's den of sin, his head of security, Big John, did the typical heavy-metal dick move by eliminating 5 girls immediately. He explained that the show was just like a concert, where not everyone gains "access." Four of the girls angrily left but hardcore slut, Tiffany, finally decided not to take something lying down and pounded on the door until Big John let her in. She was really annoying and everyone hated her right off the bat, so I have no doubt that this was a completely scripted move. Oh wait, the whole show is probably scripted! Aaauuuugh.

After Bret took sexy photos of all the girls - evidently done for the sole purpose of keeping him in his necessary, perpetual state of horniness - he tried to have some one-on-one time with each of them in order to decide which ones he wanted to stay. Yes, there were two rounds of cuts on the premiere episode, whittling down the stable of sluts from 21 to 16.

I know what you're all waiting for. You want to meet these broads, don't you? You masochists. Well, you asked for it. Here is a little about each of the Rock of Love girls and my early-on predictions.

Brandi C. - Your average nightmare. A squeaky-voiced Marilyn Monroe wannabe who thinks that the quickest way to a man's heart is by whining incessantly that he needs to spend more time with her. If you've seen the trailer for the show, you'll know Brandi C. as the girl who came up with the already-classic line, "If we put our boobs together, we can think better." Bret seemed like he wanted to cut Brandi C. because she was such an annoyance, but I guess her parents changed his mind. You know, because Mom and Dad bought those boobs for her. I bet they were the cool parents on the block who let all Brandi's high school friends get drunk and have sex at their house.

Bottom line - Bret won't be able to deal with the Minnie Mouse voice for very long.
Odds of winning - 10:1

Brandi M. - The typical hard-partyin' chick. Brandi #2 didn't annoy me too much, even though I'm sure I couldn't spend more than 15 minutes in the same room with her. She gave Bret a brief lesson in astrology by telling him that she's a Scorpio which means that she's "ruled by her genitals." Wow, so that must mean that most men in the world are Scorpios!

Bottom line - Her goal is to "get some rocker ass" and I believe that she'll get it. Bret seemed to like her right away, but she isn't the breastiest babe of the bunch, which may hurt her chances.
Odds of winning - 3:1

Dallas - Only one of two African-American girls in the group, and the only one who remained after the first cut. I didn't see much of her during the show, except for when drunk-ass Tiffany tried to get in her face. Let's face it. She's not gonna win. This isn't a racist statement, and I'm not insinuating that Bret is a racist, but he definitely has a type. Dallas is not a blonde, blue-eyed, bubble-boobed plastic bimbo, and I doubt that she would ever transform into one to please some has-been rocker.

Bottom line - She'll hang around for a little while longer, thanks to her laid-back attitude.
Odds of winning - 30:1

Erin - All you really need to know about Erin is that she is "Miss Hooters of Illinois." No, actually, that isn't all you need to know. She had her breasts done on Venus. She must've. I've never seen boobs that size or shape anywhere on this planet, ever. But, supposedly she is not a bimbo. I just read on that she graduated college in 3 1/2 years with honors. Heh. Yeah, the entire male faculty had the honor of...oh, never mind. If her plastic surgery choices are any indication, trust me - the girl isn't that smart.

Bottom line - Bret likey big boobies. Bret keepy her for a loooong time.
Odds of winning - 5:1

Faith - The longshot. I barely remember this girl from last night. I don't know why she's on this show. She seems way too classy to be with Bret and too boring to be on TV.

Bottom line - I think I just said it.
Odds of winning - 100:1

Heather - This girl looks like any number of actresses you might see while flipping through the cable movie stations late at night. I don't think a thing on her is real, and she flashed two of those fake items within the first 20 minutes of the show. If I were casting a movie and needed to fill the role of "slutty band groupie," I would pick Heather. She totally looks the part, and is my early favorite to be Bret's rock.

Bottom line - She's not going anywhere. Except for maybe upstairs with Bret.
Odds of winning - 1:1

Jes - This fuschia-haired minx (when will I ever get to use that phrase again?) caught Bret's eye, but he actually was impressed by her obvious intelligence and down-to-earth personality. Jes is probably the girl I like the best on the show, which probably means she won't win. Still, I hope she sticks around for a while and puts some of these bimbos in their places.

Bottom line - She's pretty, edgy and smart...but if her brains are bigger than her boobs, she could be in trouble.
Odds of winning - 5:1

Kristia - She quickly became BFFs with Brandi C., the pair who most of the other girls have already taken to calling "Dumb and Dumber." Know why she and Brandi C. thought they would make such good friends? Because they were both blonde, and they could bond over that. Uh....huh. That kind of friendship is really rare. They couldn't have found that with just anyone in the house.

Bottom line - Not as annoying as Brandi C., but she's a little too quiet. Bret could forget about her quickly unless she turns up the tramp factor.
Odds of winning - 20:1

Lacey - Hi, I'm Lacey and I'm in a band. I play drums. I sing. I'm a rocker girl, y'know? I rock! Hey, I'm in a band! Yeah, yeah, no one cares. Well, Bret kind of does. But he'll lose interest soon enough. I mean, what is she, a C-cup? Pffffftt.

Bottom line - She and Bret will write a really lame song together, make out a bit and then he'll lose interest. Wrong hair color. Wrong bra size.
Odds of winning: 30:1

Magdalena - A Polish Amazon woman who may very well be a man. Don't get me wrong; she's beautiful, but for a woman she's got the deepest voice I've ever heard. Ironically, she's obsessed with the idea that Rodeo might actually be a man. Maybe she's just lining up some action in case the whole Bret thing falls through.

Bottom line - Bret will tell a Polish joke and she'll slap him silly. Game over.
Odds of winning - 20:1

Mia - One of the prettiest girls there, but she's a brunette. As a brunette, I know what that means. Especially to a guy like Bret Michaels. He'll be hair-color blind for a while, but I'm sure blonde lust will get the best of him eventually.

Bottom line - I'll bet that she loses interest in him first. Of course, she'd never be allowed to say so on TV.
Odds of winning: 30:1

Rodeo - Her real name is Cindy, but I guess the name Rodeo comes from the hat that's been surgically attached to her skull. Well, that's one thing she and Bret have in common - they have an aversion to showing the tops of their heads. Rodeo is a single mother and seems like a nice person, but she is a wee bit scary. She's a personal trainer who looks like she could go into a 'roid rage at any minute. I hope several of the girls piss her off.

Bottom line - She's in great shape, but has the face of a 50 year-old. I don't think she can hold Bret's attention for very long.
Odds of winning: 30:1

Sam - Besides Jes, Sam is the only other of these girls who I could actually see myself liking or having a conversation with. She looks like a crazy party chick with millions of tattoos, but she doesn't drink or do drugs. I don't know if that's because she's had problems with them in the past or if she's just not interested. I guess that will all be discovered soon enough.

Bottom line - She's physically just Bret's type, but the fact that she doesn't live the party lifestyle could be a problem. Because he's a damn child.
Odds of winning: 3:1

Tamara - Bret said that Tamara was one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen, but was a bit put-off by her inability to carry on a conversation. Even though she seemed to be a coke-head with a 3rd grade education, Bret decided that her face and body were enough to cancel any other problems out. Such a simple man, that Bret Michaels.

Bottom line - Beautiful and dumb? That's a winning combination! She's kind of a honey-blonde though. She might have to take the peroxide challenge.
Odds of winning - 3:1

Tawny - Like her namesake, Ms. Kitaen, she has a gigantic mouth and crazy eyes but that's about it. I doubt that Bret will ask her to roll around on the hood of his car any time soon. She's just not hot enough.

Bottom line - She's not very memorable, even to a man with fully functioning brain cells.
Odds of winning - 50:1

Tiffany - Take equal parts Jennifer Coolidge, Fergie and Barbara Streisand, mix with plenty of alcohol, top it off with a nice garnish of crazy and you have Tiffany. Bret doesn't really seem to like her, despite the fact that she was the only girl who dry-humped him or, as he put it, "beat his penis to a pulp." No one likes her. She's the most dramatic and most annoying character, er, contestant on the show. Therefore, she will easily coast through to at least week 8.

Bottom line - She's on the show to make "good TV" for its producers, not "sweet sweet love" to its star.
Odds of winning - 30:1.

I hope that C.C. DeVille will stop by the bimbo hut soon. Maybe now that he's sober, he can hook up with Sam and take her away from all the madness.


Travis said...

OK. I want you to know I really did try to read all of it. But I just couldn't do it.

This is so not my kind of show.


X. Dell said...

Are we starting a betting pool, here? If we are, gimmie another week to catch the show. We'll see how fast the favorites fall.

Beth said...

I got lost in Bimboland, too. I made it through ten bimbos, though, and I'm feeling rather proud about that. If you write that the show gets better, I'll click over.

Have you seen the Scott Baio show? I watched just 15 minutes. Man, he's a bitter, nasty pain in the arse.

Karen said...

Oh lordy, trash tv at it's finest. I may have to avoid your blog if you're going to provide updates as it's not airing up here yet. The moment it's announced though...I'm soooooooooooooo there.

Angell said...

ROTFLMAO - Love the recap Beck. Would never watch the show, despite my lust for Bret.

Just can't get into it - I'm sure you will be forgiven if you give up the ghost.

Anonymous said...

If he is from Butler, why are there no sheep in the show?

Wait that's Blawnox.

Bubs said...

This is awesome! Thanks for the summary, now I can check out the next episode and catch up using your handy guide.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Wait a minute, is this the one where half the women are in their 20s and the rest in their 40s? I'm so confused. Not that it really matters, they're all the same show anyway.

Bond said...

I got through most and then realized that this is lunacy!

Melanie said...

I DVR'd the first episode, but haven't watched it yet. I'm also looking forward to seeing how the producers are going to incorporate the other Poison guys. Maybe in the finale, the winner will get to remove Bret's do-rag.

LoraLoo said...

Thank you for this, because now I don't have to watch! I didn't realize he STILL looks like such a girl!

Slave to the dogs said...

I couldn't read the synopsis either...just wanted to say that the photo of him screams "Gay Cowboy". Wonder if he liked Brokeback Mountain?

chelene said...

I read the whole thing and that will probably be the last time I spend any brain cells on this show...that is, until C.C. shows up. Him I like.

And for the record, I would really appreciate it if these reality shows didn't throw in the "token" minority. If the guy (or girl) wants a mixed bunch, that's great, but I always think it feels forced.

Malcolm: said...

I totally agree with Chelene's comments. I'm all for diversity, but I hate it when the producers of these reality hookup shows throw in a minority just for the hell of it... knowing good and well that the minority will be lucky to make it to the 2nd week.

cube said...

I can't get into a show like this either. One or two at a time is my
bimbo limit. 25 of them would drive me batty.

An80sNut said...

I can't put myself through watching it. I know that the guys at work watch Age Of Love but this might be too much. I think I can save a lot of time just reading your updates.

OldGuy said...

I read the whole post I really did. Not that I'll watch the show I'm afraid. The closest I've ever come to watching "reality tv" is a few episodes of American Idol. I know, I know, sacrilege, but what can I say.

I have an idea for the show that might be cool though. Every time Bret dumps a bimbo Jeff Foxworthy drives her back to her trailer park in a pick-up truck and she gets a gift basket with useful stuff like sausages, rat traps, a bottle of peroxide, a package of batteries (because dumb blondes rarely have dates that last the whole evening).


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine