Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Eye Boogers

Hey kids, I'm posting twice today to make up for my lackadaisical bloggitude lately! Please read both posts, commenting heavily and loving me dearly all the while. You wouldn't want me to catch a severe case of the Butterscotch Blues™ now, would you?

Butterscotch Suicide, Don't Do It - Owen Wilson is in the hospital after an apparent botched suicide attempt on Sunday. Other than the Butterscotch Blues™ thing, I'm not really going to attempt to make light of this because I think it's kind of sad. I like the guy. It's strange because I couldn't stand him when he first burst onto the scene, but his turn as so-hot-right-now Hansel in Zoolander totally won me over. I defy anyone to watch that movie (or Wedding Crashers) and not love him completely. Hopefully, he will be okay and manage to escape the clutches of that grief-magnet, Barbara Walters.

Nicole Richie Mistaken For High School Student - I'm assuming that's what happened when Nicole showed up at the Los Angeles Century Regional Detention Facility. The guards must have thought she was a delinquent in one of those "Scared Straight" programs, because they stuck her in a cell for a little over an hour and then let her go. No, wait. Says here in this article that the sheriff's sergeant knew exactly who she was and that she was there for the usual - drunk, reckless driving. The sergeant explained that "At this time, the criteria for a female arrestee sentenced to 30 days or less for a non-violent offense is as follows: the arrestee is booked, screened and usually released within 12 hours." Why doesn't the city just eliminate all traffic cops from its budget and put that money to better use? Maybe they could build a special celebrity bumper-car lane on the highway.

Finally, A Couple I Can Get Behind - Rumor has it that Paris Hilton has been getting quite friendly with Kid Rock, after photos of the two canoodling at a recent party surfaced. Since the mere thought of either of these idiots can cause me to have a projectile vomiting episode, you'd think that the idea of them together might actually kill me. However, the way I figure it, these two should go off and live in their own little corner of hell, make sex tapes and raise a family of smelly, bratty, tattooed, anteater children. Putting them together gives other single celebs a better chance of escaping the horror and embarassment of V.D.

Miss Teen USA is a Scholarship Program, Eh? - If anyone needs a scholarship, it's Miss Southern Comfort, er, South Carolina. I can't imagine that her grades and SAT scores are putting her in a decent university. But even if she does get into college, what good will that do if she can't even find her way there? What if she's one of the poor, underprivileged U.S. Americans without a map?

Britney's a Bad Mother - You don't say? Bears are still shitting in the woods too. What a world.


Marxxxcelo Valdes said...

You are a very beautiful Girl !

Les Becker said...

Up here, the bears have decided "to hell with the woods", and have begun to shit in everybody's backyard. Makes BBQs tons of fun. Britney's not allowed, though.

Beth said...

Oh, can you imagine the post-coital stench that will rise from Paris and Kid? I'm getting bedbugs just thinking about that nastiness.

I read on some of the gossip sites that Owen actually had a drug overdose, but suicide plays better to the film studios and their insurers. God, I hope he's okay.

I heart Owen.

Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

Hey, and here I thought that US students' inability to identify the country on a map really did have something to do with aiding Afighanistan. My kids were watching that pagent, and I stumbled into the room just in time for her l'il Q&A session...

cube said...

The beauty pageant girl has a 3.5 grade point average. Just how dumbed down are schools today?

Blondie should go crack a book sometime.

Rhet said...

I had a bear shite outside my back door once.
They eat a lot of berries.

dguzman said...

I started hearting Owen when I saw Bottle Rockets. Pure gold. Poor guy.

deadspot said...

I had to google to get the Butterscotch reference. People actually call him the "Butterscotch Stallion"? And they aren't ashamed of themselves? I need to watch more E.

At first I just assumed it was some sort of... actually, never mind what I assumed you had in mind.

deadspot said...

Oh, and I so have the perfect caption for the first picture in the Paris/Kid Rock story:

"Paris Hilton seems to be enthralled by a shiny object."

Loving you dearly,

Molie said...

Kid Rock is too low rent for Paris.
Tara Reid is more his speed.

Alice said...

haa haaaaaa. so much goodness in this one! i just saw a news clip of paris and.. uh.. the guy from entourage? what's his name? and got all pissed off. WHO STILL WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THAT? i mean seriously. there are cleaner hookers. at least they get tested.

i'm sad about owen. zoolander was definitely where he won me over, too. god i love that movie. i think i'm going to go put in on right now.

also, i have no comment on ms south carolina because i start foaming at the mouth when i try.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I thought you meant Butters Scotch from South Park and thought, "Butters is attempting suicide too? Right after Owen Wilson?" And then the fridge light went on.

And please by all that is holy, do NOT let Paris and Kid procreate. That would bring on the apocalypse, I'm fairly certain.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Allegedly Miss Teen S.C. is on the honor roll at her school...obviously her father went the Bush route and built two new wings for her high school.

"ane-eater children"


angell said...

ROTFLMAO - Beck babe - thanks for the chuckle.

LOVE Owen Wilson. So upset at this, but hopefully it's a one timer and he realizes that he's got more to offer Hollywood than most of the vapid pretty boys they put out there.

Paris & Kid? Ok, I like Kid Rock. So I'm gonna have to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Nicole - yeah, I got nuttin.

Ms. T. S. C. - kids these days are getting dumber and dumber. All I can say on that.

Britney - nah, too easy (or is that what her underwear said?)

anandamide said...

I join everyone else in saying Kid Rock and Paris Hilton: ICK !!!

Can any drug beat the brand of super-herpes this pair will create? ICK !!!

Dale said...

grief magnet Barbara Walters...highlarious!

Yes, Paris is too klassy for Kid! Hahahaha.


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