Wednesday, September 19, 2007

America's Next Top Model Cycle 9, Week 1

This recap is just one more service I provide here at The Pop Eye - watching all the mindless reality TV I can stomach, so you don't have to!

This season of ANTM kicks off in Puerto Rico, where we discover....what? Bitches get to live on a cruise ship for a week, as they travel the Caribbean. I love boats, so I'm particularly annoyed by this. What did these 33 girls do to deserve such a sweet reward? The show just started! More than half of them won't even be here by the end of the episode. Tsk. Too bad the cast-offs won't actually get thrown overboard. (Or will they? A girl can hope.) Now, that would be a show!

Miss Jay shows up first to put the girls through their paces with a pointless runway show where everyone stomps around wearing their life preservers. Then everyone gathers in a lounge for Tyra's big entrance. She comes out dressed like an Old West saloon girl and puts on some kind of burlesque show that would be more at home in the American Idol "Best of the Worst" reel. Of course, all of the girls take this opportunity to kiss Tyra's ass and shriek for her like she's reanimated Elvis or something.

After Tyra's cornball display, each girl gets a chance to tell her story at panel - which is sadly missing a key member. That gorgeous hunk of British man meat, Nigel Barker, is only seen in a few ANTM commercials. He better return next week. Anyway, as you can imagine, the violins come out in full force as the modelettes tell their tales of abuse, adversity and awkward years. I wonder when one of them will finally give us the old, "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to be America's Next Top...." Oh. Thanks, Ebony. I knew I wouldn't have to wait much longer.

The first informal photo shoot is on the beach in Antigua and I can't really pay attention. I'm too busy watching to see if John Taylor or Simon LeBon pops up out of the water.

Once the film is in the can (impressive photog jargon) the first cut is made. Thirteen chickies get jettisoned and the ship sails on with only 20 Tyras-in-training.

Before anyone has a chance to celebrate, the second cut is made, whittling the cast down to the final 13. Say hello to the Cycle 9 gals and take a gander at my early predictions, below.

Ambreal (19) - This Dallas student seems a bit fake. You know, she's one of those chicks who acts all happy happy joy joy until you look at her the wrong way and then she punches you in the throat. Mr. Jay said she was a bit "too choreographed" for him. I agree. And what is that name all about? Is that short for "I'm Amber, for real?" Odds: 15:1

Bianca (18) - A Queens native with a "$25 weave." I kinda dig the purple hair she's got going on on top. She's very pretty and seems down to earth, and seems most likely to take a swing at Ebony. Odds: 10:1

Chantal (19) - Another Texas student, but this one's from Austin. Chantal said something at the beginning like, "everyone thinks I'm the perfect little Barbie doll," which doesn't endear her to me in the least. When you're trying to overcome an image, don't put that image in everyone's heads immediately. The judges seem to think she's got top model potential, and they're probably right. A blonde, skinny model? You don't say! Odds: 3:1

Ebony (20) - The over-confident Chicagoan who everyone already loves to hate. Ebony doesn't even look like herself in this picture...I didn't think she was that attractive. But, if she's really a troublemaking drama queen, she will stick around for quite a while like they all do. Especially since she told Tyra that her mother was a crack-head. Now her nastiness is justified. Odds: 10:1

Heather (21) - The Hunchback of Valparaiso. Much was made of Heather's poor posture, which she attributes to too much time spent at work, hunched over the computer. I'm sure Miss Jay can straighten her out. Heather also has Asperger's Syndrome, so she has difficulty socializing. I'm sure she'll become someone's whipping girl in no time and the sympathetic favorite. She's also my early favorite, as she does have a very interesting look. Odds: 2:1

Janet (22) - The token edgy, short-haired girl this season. She simulated an ass-crack wax on Tyra. That's all I remember. These pixie chicks always fall off the radar halfway through the show. Odds: 15:1

Jenah (18) - A student from Connecticut with big, crazy eyes. Jenah said that girls don't like her because she's pretty, hangs out with a lot of guys and reads books. Oh God, yeah, I hate them there book readin' gurlz. Odds: 10:1

Kimberly (20) - Florida native, Kimberly, says that everyone tells her that she looks like Victoria's Secret goddess, Adriana Lima. Yeah, I could see that. If I were really drunk and she was about 20 feet away. Up close she just looks like one of those girls who's always bored, even when she's having fun. Odds: 20:1

Lisa (20) - Is Lisa from New York or New Jersey? It's a mystery. Every time her chyron came up, it read "Jersey City, NY." I lived in Jersey City and I can tell you this - it ain't New York. Close, but no cigar. Anyway, Lisa is very likable, but gets snotty looks from some of the girls when she reveals that she's an exotic dancer...even though she only strips down to a bikini. I hate to tell them, but dancing in a bikini isn't exotic or dirty. It's certainly the most tame activity that goes on during Spring Break. Odds: 3:1

Mila (20) - The longshot. This chick is sure to drive everyone in the house nuts, which is probably why she's here. She's like a cheerleader on crack, who loves to celebrate everything from random people's birthdays to buying a pair of socks. She's a Bostonian with no accent, unlike the much prettier cast-off, Jennifer, who had the most wick-aaahd ahhhh-some accent I ever heard. Odds: 50:1

Saleisha (21) - An L.A. woman who looks cute enough to be the next Tyra. Tyra and the Jays think that with the proper makeover, Saleisha could go very far in the competition. Odds: 5:1

Sarah (20) - The "plus-size" model from Heath, MA. Sarah may very well be the most beautiful girl in the cast. However, she will become a victim of the sizing debate. Everyone kept saying that even though she's the plus-size model, she's on the "small end" of the plus-size range, so they don't know where she would fit in. Finally, Mr. Jay said the smartest thing anyone on ANTM has ever said when he suggested that she could be a "normal size" model. Tyra and Ms. Jay looked thoughtful for a second, then looked at Mr. Jay like his eyeliner was smudged. Odds: 20:1

Victoria (20) - A Yale student who looks like the stereotypical Yale student. In other words, she looks like she has an oar jammed up her ass and just spent all her Daddy's money at J. Crew. Odds: 30:1

Previews for next week reveal that one girl has a hard time fitting in with the others and two cats are already scratching at each other. Something tells me that I will just be copying and pasting this same preview description every week.

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Zed said...

I LOVE ANTM for how pathetic it is. The claws come out and they all talk behind each other's backs (set up by the producer no doubt). And Tyra gets high attitude (even more than usual) and cuts the contestants' egos to itsy-bitsy pieces.

And you're so right about Kimberley. Yeah, she looks like Adriana Lima. AS IF! Haha! Should be a fun new season.

deadspot said...

"She looks like she has an oar jammed up her ass and just spent all her Daddy's money"

Spring Break Rules! Wooooooo!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I think we have similar tastes in women, Beck. I also find Heather to be the hottest.

Bond said...

Pretty girls, yet I have no interest in this can that be?

cooper green said...

How difficult is it to look like you know somebody in the room has a camera when you're getting your mug shot? Why do they all (except Saleisha) seem to be thinking, "Oh, look a camera. Good thing they caught me being completely natural, and not being all self-conscious about my looks". On the other hand, Saleisha seems to be saying, "This better add 50% to my looks, or I'll jam that fucking camera into the first available cavity." What an ego parade.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

The whole thing sounds exhausting. I will leave this for the experts (you) and wait for the book report.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I refuse to watch a show about women who vomit during sex so they won't gain an ounce.

Bubs said...

I've never watched this show. Now, thanks to your scorecard, I can jump right in at the next episode.

Do you have any advice for a new viewer? Like, do any special drinks go with watching this?


Travis said...

My Dancing reviews begin next Tuesday. Woooooooo!!

I'm with Bond about this model show. It's a puzzlement.

pistols at dawn said...

I used to watch ANTM, but then again, I used to be trapped in a loveless sham of a relationship where such programs were welcome diversions from facing the fact that our love had passed out on the couch months ago and wasn't ever going to wake up.

However, I enjoyed this recap.

Oh, and it's all digital now, so there really isn't any film to put in the can.

chelene said...

I'm sorry but if there's no Nigel than there is absolutely no reason for me to watch.

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Ho Ho! Oars...

Clearly, they ought to wrestle each other in mud (to improve their skin) and then be subject to a strict, bodily-fluid based selection process at my soon-to-be-grubby hands.

Chauvanistic? Me?

Alice said...

i just closed my eyes and scrolled to the bottom of the post because ACK HAVE NOT WATCHED IT YET TIVO WILL BRING IT TO ME TONIGHT CANNOT READ ANYTHING YET. i'd also like to note that i had the season premiere ON MY OUTLOOK CALENDAR (but it was tragically displaced by a regina spektor concert).

Beth said...

I have never had any interest in watching this show. The closest I've gotten are the snippets on "The Soup."

Dale said...

I caught the last part of the show and so far, your recap is higher rated and far funnier! Did they say the girl next week with trouble fitting in has Asperger's or AssBurgers? Man oh man.

Anonymous said...

This is probably the ONLY reality show I don't watch. Skinny bitches.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I can't thank you enough for providing this great service. You've saved me so much time and your snide comments and observations are very much like my own usually are. How fun!


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