Monday, October 29, 2007

Cue The Crazy, Latin Chant Music

Britney's new album, Blackout will be unleashed upon the world tomorrow. It's all for you, Damien!

I keep hearing whispers that this album is so dope, yo, that it might very well help Brit rise from her self-dug grave. You probably all know that most music reviewers are smarmy imbeciles who love nothing more than being different for difference's sake, so we shouldn't be at all surprised if this record manages to get rave reviews. I, however, am not afraid to pan it without ever laying ears on it.

First off, let's take a gander at this album cover. Now, I've heard that this might not be the final artwork, but since the record is hitting stores tomorrow, I'm gonna guess that this is it. Someone making a seven-figure salary looked at this, shrugged and said, "yeah that's fine...print it." It looks like an invitation to someone's Sweet Sixteen party. I could've made something more interesting on my computer and I don't even have Photoshop.

By now, everyone has heard the lead single, "Gimme More," but I'm sure you're dying to know Brit's full list of demands. Behold, the track listing:

1. Gimme More
2. Piece Of Me
3. Radar
4. Break The Ice
5. Heaven On Earth
6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
7. Freakshow
8. Toy Soldier
9. Hot As Ice
10. Ooh Ooh Baby
11. Perfect Lover
12. Why Should I Be Sad

I the title of song #12 a rhetorical question, or will there be some type of essay contest?

Like books and their covers, I don't think you can always judge a song by its title. But this is Britney Spears we're talking about. Something tells me that "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)" isn't about the importance of regular skin cancer screenings. But, to be fair, I'll delve deeper into the lyrical content before passing judgment. So, break open a bag of Cheetos and a can of Red Bull while I attempt to analyze and interpret these lyrical master works, starting with the aforementioned ode to nudity (yay for early leaks to the Internet).

Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
Yeah, this sounds nice
Yeah, yeah

(Hmmm....I sounds nice!)

I got a plan we can do it just what you wanted, baby, baby
As long as you wanna come with me, we can do it, baby, baby
I got a plan we can do it just what you wanted, baby, baby
As long as you wanna come with me, we can do it baby, baby

(This is sweet. Obviously she's singing about letting Sean Preston drive her to the club. This is proof of her motherin' skills. She should really play this in court for that mean old judge who took her kids away from her.)

My body is calling out for you bad boy
I get the feeling that I just wanna be with ya
Baby I'm a freak and I don't really give a damn
I'm crazy as a motherf**ker
Bet that on ya man

(OMG, y'all! Britney totally said the F word! She soooo rawks!)

If you like what you see
And your curiosity
Let your mind roam free
Won't you pay attention please

(How do you let your mind roam AND pay attention at the same time? It's kind of like that whole "what's the sound of one hand clapping" riddle. I think these lines will be borrowed by many a Philosophy professor in years to come.)

What I gotta do to get you want my body?
Quarter past three and ready to leave the party

(This guy better shape up. He wants to leave the club at 3:15 when they're open until 4?? Hello!? What does he think, now that Britney's a mom that she might want to go home a little early? Fool, please! Babies don't matter! She's still the same old Britney. Same old bad grammar, too!)

What you tryin' do, do, do?
What you tryin' do, do, do?

Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked
Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked
Take it off, take it off
Take it off, take it off
Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked

(It's really hard to rhyme things with "naked." I would've tried "make bread," "Lake Schmed" or "take meds." But rhyming "naked" with itself? GENIUS! This whole passage just really speaks to me as a woman. It empowers me to be assertive and demand what I want. Mark my words...the next time I'm grinding against some random dude at a bar, I will not be afraid to order him to take his clothes off. Move over, Gloria Steinem, 'cause it's Britney, bitch.)

I'm not ashamed of my beauty you can see what I got
Shouldn't I freak you out
Imagine if I work it out
If I get on top
You're gonna lose your mind
The way I put it down, boy
You know should be up

(Right on! Just imagine if Brit worked out those flabby buttocks. The next time she forgets to wear underwear and flashes the pap, we will literally lose our minds. She hasn't even begun to tap into the power of that firecrotch. She is talking about exercise here, right? Just like Olivia Newton-John was in "Physical?")

I understand that you don't got no man
And I just want to take your hand
And I need you to understand that, that, that I
I got everything perfectly planned in mind
Get it all inside, work that body

(Did someone mess these lyrics up or is this suddenly a lesbian song? Or is this just the part where she makes nice with other girls in the club by pimping them out and getting them high?)

Get naked, get naked, yadda yadda, grunt grunt, moan, moan...


Whew. Only one song and I'm thoroughly exhausted. I can't keep this up, so I'll just go for some of the naughty bits now.


Piece of Me
(First two verses)
I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
There still gon' be pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...

(Oh, so it's not a remake of the Skid Row song. That's good. Damn, rhyming "scene" with "Philippines?" I guess if she can't beat K-Fed in court, she's gonna whip him in the mad rhymin' skillz contest. Oh, and I'm so glad she promises that there will be more pics of her ass in the tabloids. Because, yes, I think we all do want a piece of her. Could I just get a small piece, without any crabs on it? That would be great.)

I’m Miss Bad Media Karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can’t see no harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I’m still an exception
And you want a piece of me

(There is no harm in working and being a mama. As long as you remember to feed your kids, don't force them to go to bed at 6:00 and stop dropping them on their heads.)


(3rd verse)
Make them clap when we perform
Wanna be crazy we can show 'em
Dancin' table top freak, freaky
So outside the norm
I'm some superstar ish, ish
Christian hot, Bugatti whips
Hope the new designer fits
We can do it if you wish

(Ish ish? Will that be the new annoying phrase, like "true dat?" Or is she just saying that she's superstar-ish? I love that Britney feels comfortable enough to berate everyone for wanting a "piece of her" in the previous song, and then follow it up with this first-person account of her constant cries for attention. And I admire that she's open enough to consent to sexual relations with her tabletop dance partner, if he so desires. She's not pushy. She just lets him know that if, for some reason, he decides that he wants to do it, she'll be ready.)


Ooh Ooh Baby
(Chorus? Bridge? Filler? Along with the 3rd verse.)
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up with your love

(This is, uh, deep. Huh huh huhuhuhuhuhuh.)

The more you move
The more I tense
It’s like you got me hypnotised
I’m in a trance
Your jersey fits
It’s right at home, between my hands
And now I hope you know
That I’m your biggest fan
Yeah, yeah
(What is this? A song about banging basketball players? Ok, now she's just ripping off Madonna.)


Hot as Ice
(About the 1st half)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(I'm nodding. Britney's mind control must be working!)

I'm just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy (crazy)
Make him call me "mama" (Mama), make him my new baby (baby)
A new way to prove they're saying "Thank you very much"
Living legend, you can look, but don't touch

(I've got nothin'.)

'Cause I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice
If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice
I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice
If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice

(Ok, now she's just ripping off Lita Ford.)

Break it down, break it down, break it down
Break it down, break it down, break it down

(I'm breaking it down. It's too late for me. Save yourselves!)

To see your foolishness and f**kery
And handling my business (business)
Holler if you hear me
Hey, can I get a witness
Preach it, preach it
I'm the teacher, you can learn
Watch your fingers, boy
You might get burned

(Like, omg, y'all! She dropped the F-bomb again! The needless and copious use of profanity has proven that she is no longer a girl and fully a woman! She might also be ripping off Salt-N-Pepa. Or Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act.)


I've been reading these lyrics for the past hour, and I've come to the conclusion that I kind of hate words now. That I managed to make this such a long post is really quite a feat.

If you decide to pick up a copy of Blackout (and if you order on Amazon NOW, you can have it by Halloween night!) please listen responsibly. Whatever you do, don't play it backwards. And most importantly, do not try it with a full stomach of candy corn.


Bubs said...

I am dying here, DYING, almost spitting my after work late night bourbon all over the computer screen reading your post!! Good LORD.

"Baby I'm a freak and I don't really give a damn "

"Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked
Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked "

I mean, for chrissake, she's even got a song titled "FREAKSHOW"!?!?!

This is wonderful. Brit might become the official poster girl of Sprawling Ramshackle Compound if she keeps this up. All she needs now is a pet caiman and a crack pipe.


An80sNut said...

I really don't know what to say other than she really should never have been allowed to write any of her lyrics. Just my thoughts. I won't just be skipping this one, I will be laughing at anyone in line at Best Buy with it in their hands.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

"Can I get a witness"? Britney's handlers should have really laid the law down on that one - she's way too white (trash) to ever use those words.

My dear, you have done the world a huge service and I have a feeling they are going to insert your interpretation into the album's liner notes. Just as long as they don't mess with the great artwork.

I'm with Bubs - you have killed me.

Anonymous said...

You had me laughing out loud with your commentary. Poor Brit Brit.

Skylers Dad said...

Damn fine work! The best part is now I don't ever have to listen to this on my own!!

cube said...

What a load of crap. Those lyrics are about as unreadable as they are unlistenable.

I can only hope the sales are dismal. She must be stopped from pumping further disgusting doxy drivel into the world.

Slave to the dogs said...

It speaks loads about your fortitude that you were actually able to wade through all these lyrics. I'm sure you did end up puking, but still...I think you could have a future in any of the professions that the show Dirty Jobs profiles.

Moxie said...

Good lord. I hope the beats are danceable and so loud that it's difficult to actually hear what she's saying.

Alice said...

i love you for wading through these lyrics for our sake. because i certainly wouldn't have the strength to have done it myself. :-)

Bond said...

OK...I have SIX words for her, her mommy, her handlers, her record company A&R people


You know you can't be a 20-something slut princess your whole life...

You have been passed by the likes of Cristina, who realized to make it you have to eventually be AN ADULT

You have money...give up the white trash act...go to school and have two children who are probably more mature than you are...

can you tell I am sick and tired of this poor excuse for a person?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

"I've been reading these lyrics for the past hour"

It's an hour you'll never get back.

But better you than us. Thanks for the laughs!

pistols at dawn said...

Wow. What frightens me is that she may well have had other people write this for her. I can only imagine what her versions were like.

Leonesse said...

She says she was Miss American Dream. She just didn't mention it was of the Freddie Kruger variety. With snatch.

Leonesse said...

Oh, and Beckeye, you deserve an AMA just for listening to all that.

You are by far a better woman than eye.

Les Becker said...

I gotta tell you that I'm SO sick of The Brit that I don't even CARE about the lyrics, the album, pffftttt!

BUT... HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE PHOTOSHOP?! That's like... that's like not owning a television anymore, isn't it?

LoraLoo said...

Did ya have a shot of whiskey to cleanse your soul after this? LMAO

There is no way in hell I'd give her any of my money!

Allison said...

This post killed me as well, and I think you summed it up perfectly with this line...

"I've been reading these lyrics for the past hour, and I've come to the conclusion that I kind of hate words now."

Amazing effect that Brit has on people.

deadspot said...

I'm stunned, Becks. That was even better than your description.

The title "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)" just kills me, but your lyrical analysis is a thing of beauty.

Coaster Punchman said...

"If you decide to pick up a copy of Blackout...." yeah, like that's gonna happen after this review! (Which I appreciated, by the way)

Anonymous said...

You are fucking halarious. I'm dyin heah

X. Dell said...

I can see it now. To boost sales we'll see the "Get Naked (I Have a Plan)" video shortly.

In my past life as a musician, we had a tradition whereby we would replace the last word or syllable of each song title with a certain expletive that begins in 's' ends in 't' and is 'hi' in the middle.

So I found this particular track listing quite amusing.

chelene said...

I'm speechless that you managed to make sense of those ramblings! I'll hand you an award or something when I next see you.


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